whysohard Posted October 11, 2009 Share Posted October 11, 2009 hi, i am new to the forum newly separated. we ended things up amicably and we still respect each other enormously- no kids as well. she moved out, however she doesnt want to divorce till probably 2-3 years later, she doesnt want to change her name either. but she certainly doesnt want me back. the reason why we separated are complicated but there was no third party involved (the reason are more to due with feeling and the fact that we are both very young -23 when we got married, we are 26 now) she keeps saying that dont wait for me, but i dont know, is it worth waiting? i dont want to move on and ruin my chances of us getitng back together. Link to post Share on other sites
Lusitan Posted October 11, 2009 Share Posted October 11, 2009 hi, i am new to the forum newly separated. we ended things up amicably and we still respect each other enormously- no kids as well. she moved out, however she doesnt want to divorce till probably 2-3 years later, she doesnt want to change her name either. but she certainly doesnt want me back. the reason why we separated are complicated but there was no third party involved (the reason are more to due with feeling and the fact that we are both very young -23 when we got married, we are 26 now) she keeps saying that dont wait for me, but i dont know, is it worth waiting? i dont want to move on and ruin my chances of us getitng back together. She's probably interested in another guy or meddled with a guy during the marriage. Possibly, he didn't want anything more with her but now wants and she as a consequence, wants to go her own way. There's no point in wasting your sanity pining for her. If she wanted you, she'd be with you. The best you can do is to read the many, many threads created by men on the divorce forum and you'll understand what's happening to you. Good luck . Link to post Share on other sites
FeelingLonely98 Posted October 11, 2009 Share Posted October 11, 2009 she moved out, however she doesnt want to divorce till probably 2-3 years later, she doesnt want to change her name either. but she certainly doesnt want me back. ... she keeps saying that dont wait for me, but i dont know, is it worth waiting? i dont want to move on and ruin my chances of us getitng back together. Sorry you're going thru this my friend. I say get a D now. Unless she wants to explore the M and see if it can work. Maybe MC, maybe IC, maybe re-exploring why you fell in love to begin with. Guaranteed there is someone else or she wants to see someone else. Also, there is probably something about you that caused her commitment and feelings to you to wane. This can be discussed in MC. If she won't then get a D. Whether you are married or not you can get "back together". If you don't want the D yet then you need to go NC and apply 180 to yourself if you are hopeing or trying to win her back. Like the previous poster said - read a lot on here what others in your situation have been thru. Should help give you some clarity. GOOD LUCK. Link to post Share on other sites
Author whysohard Posted October 11, 2009 Author Share Posted October 11, 2009 She's probably interested in another guy or meddled with a guy during the marriage. i know it is a big possibility, you know how it is, you always hope that it doesnt happen to you, but yeah i have thought about it even though she didnt say anything after confronting her with the issue. sometimes i think its best not to dig too deep (you will eventually find monkey droppings.....). the way we ended it couldnt be better i think (no financial commitment, no kids, no other difficulties) i think the respect we/still had for each other is a double edged sword, even if she did meddle would she tell me now? should i confront her again? Link to post Share on other sites
Author whysohard Posted October 11, 2009 Author Share Posted October 11, 2009 Also, there is probably something about you that caused her commitment and feelings to you to wane. you are absolutely right, a marriage doesnt fall apart for no reason, yes i think i made the mistake of getting too comfortable, and treated her as if she was everything under the sun (inc mother, friend, wife, business partner, sexual partner etc...) i have even stopped seeing my friends when i met her...so i think this has contributed a lot, but at least it is something i have learnt, i should have had other preoccupation in my life Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted October 11, 2009 Share Posted October 11, 2009 I wouldn't confront her with anything just yet, give her some space and start learning a bit about yourself. A few more details would help us help you as well. Why does she want to wait? Her reasons for the break up? How long have you been seperated? How long were you married? Sounds very much like a bomb drop scenario from the little you gave, sudden and harsh! Like mine! Keep posting and start reading other threads to gain some perspective. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t190291/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t192892/ Heres mine to get you started. Keep Posting!!! TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
sadhubby Posted October 11, 2009 Share Posted October 11, 2009 why wait 2 -3 years ??? you military ? lots of peeps stay together for the health benifits and extra money. wich is also against the law but many do it. would you go outside in a snow storm naked ? 2-3 years before divorce sounds like an open can of worms to me. maybe shes been unfaithfull and just cant come to grips with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author whysohard Posted October 11, 2009 Author Share Posted October 11, 2009 Why does she want to wait? Her reasons for the break up? How long have you been seperated? How long were you married? 1- i spoke to her a an hour ago and she said that all this is too much on her and the last thing she wants to discuss is divorce, she said that the earliest we can proceed is 3 month but she doesnt mind waiting for a couple of years, she needs to clear things in her head. i know she is confused and ANGRY (why angry i am the one being dumped!) it seems like she is doing it just to prove a point... 2- her reasong are basically me pressuring her and treating her as if she was everything (mum, wife, friend, sexual partner) and i admit i did get too comfortable... funny, my dad used to aloof and not as sensitive and emotional as our generation is and he kept the marriage together for 30 years and mum loves him to bits! (maybe this is what i should do from now on - old school ) 3 & 4 - separation has been for 2-3 weeks and we have been married for 3 years. maybe getting married too young wasnt the best thing to do, we were both still developing and probably did not know what we want out of life... Link to post Share on other sites
Author whysohard Posted October 11, 2009 Author Share Posted October 11, 2009 why wait 2 -3 years ??? you military ? lots of peeps stay together for the health benifits and extra money. wich is also against the law but many do it. would you go outside in a snow storm naked ? 2-3 years before divorce sounds like an open can of worms to me. maybe shes been unfaithfull and just cant come to grips with it. all i can notice from her is that she is very ANGRY (like i said in my previous post i am the one being dumped! so why the animosity? ) i think she initially said 2 years when i asked her few hours ago she said can we wait at least 3 months till she clears her mind coz she cant deal with it now! i'd have thought that if she made that decision to leave the marriage wouldnt she have thought about divorce? Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted October 11, 2009 Share Posted October 11, 2009 1- i spoke to her a an hour ago and she said that all this is too much on her and the last thing she wants to discuss is divorce, she said that the earliest we can proceed is 3 month but she doesnt mind waiting for a couple of years, she needs to clear things in her head. i know she is confused and ANGRY (why angry i am the one being dumped!) it seems like she is doing it just to prove a point... Sounds like she has some thinking to do and is trying to buy time, this can be good for you. 2- her reasong are basically me pressuring her and treating her as if she was everything (mum, wife, friend, sexual partner) and i admit i did get too comfortable... funny, my dad used to aloof and not as sensitive and emotional as our generation is and he kept the marriage together for 30 years and mum loves him to bits! (maybe this is what i should do from now on - old school ) Sounds like your treating her like a wife. It's not fair of you to rely on her for all your needs. I heard a similar thing from mine, you have to let her have her own life as well. 3 & 4 - separation has been for 2-3 weeks and we have been married for 3 years. maybe getting married too young wasnt the best thing to do, we were both still developing and probably did not know what we want out of life... Don't give up, it's still early, just give her some time to think. Link to post Share on other sites
Author whysohard Posted October 11, 2009 Author Share Posted October 11, 2009 Don't give up, it's still early, just give her some time to think. what i dont understand is the anger, why is she so angry? i am being treated like the dumper rather than the dumpee, never raised my voice at her once. sometimes i just think she needs a break but when i told her i'll wait for you she just said "dont, i wouldnt do that", now i can spend years reading onto that sentence but i rather not.... Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 11, 2009 Share Posted October 11, 2009 She's angry because she is guilty of something. Don't waste your life waiting on her to decide if she wants you 2-3 years down the road. You should start dating other people and go ahead with your divorce. Some girls may not want to date you knowing you are still a married man and I don't blame them. Tell your wife this and that's why you want a divorce. Tell her you want to get married again in the future and you don't want a divorce hanging over your head to prevent you from getting the right girl. How selfish of her to want you to be on hold for 2-3 years while she makes up her mind about what she wants to do. My goodness it's all about her isn't it. Link to post Share on other sites
Lusitan Posted October 11, 2009 Share Posted October 11, 2009 i know it is a big possibility, you know how it is, you always hope that it doesnt happen to you, but yeah i have thought about it even though she didnt say anything after confronting her with the issue. sometimes i think its best not to dig too deep (you will eventually find monkey droppings.....). the way we ended it couldnt be better i think (no financial commitment, no kids, no other difficulties) i think the respect we/still had for each other is a double edged sword, even if she did meddle would she tell me now? should i confront her again? I sense a lot of respect from you, for your wife. But I don't think your wife has any for you. A partner who respects the other wants the best for the person who she shared her life with. Most likely, she no longer has feelings for you, however, when you share your life with someone, you grow to care for that person. Your wife hasn't given you any reason for the dissolution of the relationship. In other words, she's trying to get the cake and eat it too. By staying in contact with you in friendly term, she always has someone she can fall back on, when the hard times hit her or something negative happens to her. It's not worth it. I had something happen to me too, much like what's happening to you. Fortunately, we weren't married. A person who cares for you will do what's the best for you. To keep your hopes up and not allowing you to move on and find someone you can be happy with is uncaring. Don't confront her. It would only result in arousing bad feelings in you because, people when decide to give up a relationship, instead of lining out the facts and either work on them or move on, they try to make the other person faulty for what is not satisfactory for the person that's breaking up the relationship. If I was you, I would be very, very thankful. I know that you have feelings for her and I commend you. Not many guys are willing to love a woman like that, and more, even marrying her. You have my respect and admiration. That is one thing I could never do. I want you to be happy, clearly, this woman doesn't deserve you, my friend. Being so young as you are, there's clearly no reason to get stuck in this. As you say, there are no children etc. break away from her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author whysohard Posted October 11, 2009 Author Share Posted October 11, 2009 thank you all for your replies;), i think what i will do for now is stop thinking that we get back together (although keep it amicable like it is) and just move on, i will not actively look for a partner just as yet ( you can imagine what would happen in the state i am in) she keeps saying that we are going to be very good friends but i think she's only saying that so she doesnt have to feel guilty about leaving the marriage... i'll keep you guys posted on whats happening if that's ok Link to post Share on other sites
Lusitan Posted October 11, 2009 Share Posted October 11, 2009 thank you all for your replies;), i think what i will do for now is stop thinking that we get back together (although keep it amicable like it is) and just move on, i will not actively look for a partner just as yet ( you can imagine what would happen in the state i am in) she keeps saying that we are going to be very good friends but i think she's only saying that so she doesnt have to feel guilty about leaving the marriage... i'll keep you guys posted on whats happening if that's ok Of course it's OK. I'm glad you are getting your head straighten out and that you are willing to move on and let this part of your life, become a memory. Let your life move you forward, never look back. Life is too short for regrets. Yes, that is actually a great idea. When my relationship - similar to yours - ended, I decided to stay a whole year away from women. It made wonders for me, it would do the same for you. See? You are already putting that woman where she belongs. In the past! She wants to stay friends because she wants you to continue being how you are to her right now. What a lack of respect she has for you. You are so lucky because you have no children with this woman Imagine how it would be like. Not pleasant, is it? Never look back. Link to post Share on other sites
sadhubby Posted October 13, 2009 Share Posted October 13, 2009 hey why so hard beleive me she is mad at you becuase she is hiding a nasty secret im almost positive !!! when mine did this i really thought about blacksmithing a sheild to cary around to dodge all the animosity thrown at me and yes there was someone else in the back ground.. sounds like you are free and clear tho AKUNA MATADA no worrys bro.. give her space plenty of it . but i think id watch your back stud.. Link to post Share on other sites
FredMerc Posted October 13, 2009 Share Posted October 13, 2009 you are absolutely right, a marriage doesnt fall apart for no reason, yes i think i made the mistake of getting too comfortable, and treated her as if she was everything under the sun (inc mother, friend, wife, business partner, sexual partner etc...) i have even stopped seeing my friends when i met her...so i think this has contributed a lot, but at least it is something i have learnt, i should have had other preoccupation in my life I know what you are saying. I loved my wife so much I let the parts of me that were unique and interesting fade away until I was just a shadow, all to focus on her. It is such a cruel irony... Link to post Share on other sites
Author whysohard Posted October 13, 2009 Author Share Posted October 13, 2009 hey guys, just an update, apparently she has been thinking about leaving me for a long time... she planned everything in advance... i feel like a fool, i am trying the NC at the moment (hard but with time it should get easier). we spoke about divorce the other day and she says she cant deal with it right now! i dont understand she made the decision to leave so why cant she handle the divorce... shall i pre-empt the divorce and just ask her or wait? i've read so many post in this forum and it seems like most man are dedicated to their wives and kids.... most havent cheated... most didnt have a drinking problem....most didnt have any of the cliché stories that lead to divorce.... do you think that you have to be husband from the 50s to get a relationship to work... minimal communication, bottle everything up, no emotion, be aloof etc..... my father was like that and his marriage lasted forever and my mum loves him to bits and we all do !!!!! could someone please shed some light on this. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 14, 2009 Share Posted October 14, 2009 You don't have to wait on her to start the divorce. Just see an attorney. Since you don't have children it should go smoothly. She is just not coming out and telling you "I want the divorce" because she doesn't want to hurt you by saying those words. Also it keeps the door open for her in case things don't work out. This woman has fallen out of love with you and that is the reason she is acting the way she is right now. She knows you are a good man and wants to keep you just in case. Don't let her. Stop waiting on her and move on with your life. The more you try to be nice to her the less respect she is going to give you. Move on now and be happy this happened when you were young and no children. You will find a good wife and hold faith in knowing that. Link to post Share on other sites
SRV Posted October 14, 2009 Share Posted October 14, 2009 hey why so hard beleive me she is mad at you becuase she is hiding a nasty secret im almost positive !!! when mine did this i really thought about blacksmithing a sheild to cary around to dodge all the animosity thrown at me and yes there was someone else in the back ground.. sounds like you are free and clear tho AKUNA MATADA no worrys bro.. give her space plenty of it . but i think id watch your back stud.. The poster above got it right. She is angry at you because she wants to rationalize what she is/has been doing. She needs to justify the reason to leave. She wants to keep you as a back up plan incase the new relationship that she is/has been pursuing does not work out, hence the need to ask you to wait for 2-3years. If you dig deep enough, you will find someone in the picture or lurking. Best bet, file now. Do not alert her to this fact. Just have her served. By the way, when women leave physically, mentally they had been gone for a while. You are young. Good thing is that you did not have children together, that would have been messy. Concentrate on making yourself a better person in all aspects, you will find a woman that will stand by you through thick and thin. P.S. sadhubby, its 'Hakuna matata.' Link to post Share on other sites
Auroracoladybug Posted October 14, 2009 Share Posted October 14, 2009 SRV Hakuna matata...I know... you say tomato I say tomAto LOL Anyone who leaves physically has been gone mentally for a while Link to post Share on other sites
Aksion Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 @whysohard - You seem to be the exact same situation that I am going through right now. You want to know why, and she isn't giving you any reason and most likely doesn't want to talk to you at all, right? Its a horrible and painful spot to be in, makes you want to do pretty much nothing at all. My wife wouldn't even reply to an e-mail I sent her recently letting her know I was going to see a lawyer. I wish I could give you the answers bro, but I'm dealing with the same thing. If you need to talk or anything though, I'm right here. I know that talking to people about it and coming here has helped, still hurts though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author whysohard Posted October 15, 2009 Author Share Posted October 15, 2009 You seem to be the exact same situation that I am going through right now. You want to know why, and she isn't giving you any reason and most likely doesn't want to talk to you at all, right? Its a horrible and painful spot to be in, makes you want to do pretty much nothing at all. My wife wouldn't even reply to an e-mail I sent her recently letting her know I was going to see a lawyer. I wish I could give you the answers bro, but I'm dealing with the same thing. If you need to talk or anything though, I'm right here. I know that talking to people about it and coming here has helped, still hurts though. thank you man, i read your post the other day, 5 years is a long time especially if you have been so dedicated to your wife. i cant imagine what would happen if we had kids though! this forum really helps and reading all of the posts regarding the matter gives you perspective. i have spoken to her again and told her that she's been out of the house for sometime now and she needs to make her mind up, i suggested divorce, she went berserk and then she said fine, will do it as soon as. oh, she also wants to keep my name after the divorce..... Link to post Share on other sites
Aksion Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 thank you man, i read your post the other day, 5 years is a long time especially if you have been so dedicated to your wife. i cant imagine what would happen if we had kids though! this forum really helps and reading all of the posts regarding the matter gives you perspective. i have spoken to her again and told her that she's been out of the house for sometime now and she needs to make her mind up, i suggested divorce, she went berserk and then she said fine, will do it as soon as. oh, she also wants to keep my name after the divorce..... Why? Why in the world does she want that? I would have to tell her no. She doesn't want to be your wife, but she wants your last name? Not really the way it works in my eyes. If, or should I say when my wife and I divorce, I definently don't want her carrying my name around. Link to post Share on other sites
Author whysohard Posted December 13, 2009 Author Share Posted December 13, 2009 hey guys just an update, few months after separation and still no divorce, the friendship thing that she wanted when we separated also ended, now we mainly talk about money and practical things. she is still avoiding the divorce like the plague, i know she doesnt care about me anymore and i think she is seeing someone else too. she made it clear that i can do the same (and i am) but why complicate things, we have no kids, no financial commitments... why cant she just accept that we need to divorce? she wanted to spend chrismas together but not the new year and i said no to both. going to be a vert lonely festive period Link to post Share on other sites
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