terminus1256 Posted October 11, 2009 Share Posted October 11, 2009 So, recently I had a rather quick break-up. A lot of issues were left unresolved and questions left unanswered. Five days after the breakup my ex immediately started dating a new guy that she previously had never had any amount of feelings for and who is quite frankly kind of a jerk and absolutely repulsive in every sense (her words). Now I'm curious if this is typical of a rebound? Or what the signs are that I could decipher to tell if it is? Because I still love her and want to be with her. I've told her that repeatedly in many ways and how much I had realized from being without her for the past weeks. Yet she still insists on giving this guy another chance. The thing is at the start of their relationship he told her how much he loved her right after our breakup and just jumped on her immediately. When he asked her out she told me how much she regretted it and made a mistake. But now she keeps telling me she's happy and just wants to be good friends, yet she still has feelings for me. Are they a rebound? And if they are, how should I conduct myself? Because I still call her every now and then and we talk and enjoy each other's company. Should I stop telling her that I still love her? And I've been writing her letters explaining how horrible I was at some times to her and how much I regret it and what she means to me, as well as telling her I still love her. Should I stop doing that as well? Link to post Share on other sites
TheLoneSock Posted October 11, 2009 Share Posted October 11, 2009 So you're looking for ways to tell if your ex is rebounding with another guy or not? Link to post Share on other sites
Author terminus1256 Posted October 11, 2009 Author Share Posted October 11, 2009 Yeah. Because I've heard rebounds rarely ever work and only under certain situations or behaviors from the reboundee. Link to post Share on other sites
Author terminus1256 Posted October 11, 2009 Author Share Posted October 11, 2009 And I'm also curious how I should conduct myself towards her while I'm waiting for this transitory relationship to run its course. Should I not talk to her often even if she says she enjoys it? Should I not write those letters or tell her I still love her? Link to post Share on other sites
TheLoneSock Posted October 11, 2009 Share Posted October 11, 2009 Yes, rebounds rarely work. No, you shouldn't be talking to her at all unless you have kids together or live together. There is no 'transition' period, it's over. Link to post Share on other sites
Author terminus1256 Posted October 11, 2009 Author Share Posted October 11, 2009 You mean just... not talk to her at all even though she says she still has feelings for me? Be there for her if the rebound falls through? And I still don't know if it is a rebound... Link to post Share on other sites
TheLoneSock Posted October 11, 2009 Share Posted October 11, 2009 (edited) Alright bro, I'm not putting it this way to make you feel down or be harsh or anything. But it's called a break up because you're supposed to be broken up. "You mean just... not talk to her at all even though she says she still has feelings for me?" Absolutely do not talk to her. Especially since she has feelings for you. How is she supposed to miss you or feel any regret if you're still there waiting on her like a good little puppy? It needs to sink in for her that you two are broken up. Otherwise she'll get used to this idea of you being a pussy and her getting whatever she wants. Her still having feelings for you is great, but it doesn't mean jack unless she wants to actually get back together. You need to start cutting her out of your life, she won't want back in unless she gets kicked out. If she has a problem with it, remind her that the relationship ended. You don't want to be a complete *******, but you do want to be firm. "Be there for her if the rebound falls through?" Hell no. Strength is what will make her want your dick again. It may sound blunt, but it's true. Edited October 11, 2009 by TheLoneSock Link to post Share on other sites
Author terminus1256 Posted October 11, 2009 Author Share Posted October 11, 2009 I can see your points and they make sense but... all the other advice I've gotten is pretty much says the contrary. Link to post Share on other sites
TheLoneSock Posted October 11, 2009 Share Posted October 11, 2009 Take whatever advice you want. But the fact is she's already trying on a new guy for size, meanwhile your worried about being there for her and telling her how much you love her. You get exactly what you deserve in the end. How old are you by the way? Link to post Share on other sites
Author terminus1256 Posted October 11, 2009 Author Share Posted October 11, 2009 19 as of last week. Why? Link to post Share on other sites
TheLoneSock Posted October 11, 2009 Share Posted October 11, 2009 Alright well happy late birthday. It's common to have the questions in your mind you do. I'm not much older than you (23) but I thought the same way you do at one time. I'm guessing your ex is around the same age, 18, 19. 20 ish. Your situation isn't anything new, not by a long shot. Just go with whatever advice you're most comfortable with. You'll learn what works either way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author terminus1256 Posted October 11, 2009 Author Share Posted October 11, 2009 Alright sounds good. I'm just curious if I did pull away... wouldn't it be suspicious if I just suddenly start talking to her after they break up? Maybe I should seek some sort of middle ground... don't tell her I love her still, talk very sparingly, maintain a sort of distance between us but still be... acquaintances? Casual friends? Link to post Share on other sites
TheLoneSock Posted October 11, 2009 Share Posted October 11, 2009 "wouldn't it be suspicious if I just suddenly start talking to her after they break up?" Not suspicious, lame. You don't cut a girl off and then jump right back at her like a puppy as soon as she's available again. If she wants to come to you, she will in time. You don't push anything. "Maybe I should seek some sort of middle ground... don't tell her I love her still, talk very sparingly, maintain a sort of distance between us but still be... acquaintances? Casual friends?" Nope, none of the above. Being friends won't work, you still love her. Middle ground is where you're already at, you just don't realise it. The point is to get yourself out of the middle ground. The middle ground is just another word for friendzone- which gets you no where. Again, not to be harsh, but stop looking for excuses to not let go. Distance (figurative, not geological), time, and more distance is the only thing that will help you right now. It just takes guts to saddle up and accept it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author terminus1256 Posted October 11, 2009 Author Share Posted October 11, 2009 Does this sound like a rebound? Link to post Share on other sites
TheLoneSock Posted October 11, 2009 Share Posted October 11, 2009 Yes, it is a rebound. Leave it alone. Link to post Share on other sites
quarterlifecrisis Posted October 12, 2009 Share Posted October 12, 2009 She is with a rebound. Chances are, it won't work out, but you can't bank on that. Lonesock is absolutely right. You need to extricate yourself out of the situation. I'm in a similar situation right now, and I cut off the ex after asking her for another chance (read...unattractive, weak, undesirable male). After I got away, I started feeling a lot better about myself. In the past few weeks, I've grown, done new things, AND I've heard from mutual friends that she misses me because I am completely inaccessible. Doesn't mean she isn't with another guy or that she will ever want me back, but certainly a step up from me being a groveling idiot. Your ONLY chance of getting her back is to get her to think of you as an attractive independent male again. Being a dependent, supplicating male will only drive her away. Link to post Share on other sites
Author terminus1256 Posted October 12, 2009 Author Share Posted October 12, 2009 I'm doing it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author terminus1256 Posted October 14, 2009 Author Share Posted October 14, 2009 One problem. 3 weeks from now we have a thing planned that we've had set up for a while now and that we wanted to go to together. Should I call it off? It's sort of hard to cancel these kinds of plans... Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted October 14, 2009 Share Posted October 14, 2009 One problem. 3 weeks from now we have a thing planned that we've had set up for a while now and that we wanted to go to together. Should I call it off? It's sort of hard to cancel these kinds of plans... Yes!! Call it off! She's gone forever as far as you're concerned. Cut ALL contact and move on! Once they're with another person it's NEVER the same...Trust me on this please.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author terminus1256 Posted October 14, 2009 Author Share Posted October 14, 2009 How long do these rebounds usually last? Why do they fail? Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted October 14, 2009 Share Posted October 14, 2009 How long do these rebounds usually last? Why do they fail? Sometimes they last forever. Why are you even concerned how long her new relationship will last? You going to be her fall back plan if it doesn't work out with the new guy? Link to post Share on other sites
Author terminus1256 Posted October 14, 2009 Author Share Posted October 14, 2009 Okay, first off, stop making assumptions that are completely unfounded. I'm curious. And second off, I want to know when it's safe for me to start dating again without this **** happening to me as well. I've never been in a rebound or saw someone rebound and I just want to know why they happen, how they happen, why they fail, how long it takes, how long after the breakup until it's safe to assume you're ready for a new relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Leveller Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 Please listen to the advice being given. I doormatted myself for three months after we split and she was with someone else. This led to FWB but because she could pick me up and put me down without penalty she went back to her bf; dick though he is. I went NC till July, got friendly again, could see where this was leading until the point about a month or so ago where she said she was now 'in love' with this other guy. To him she is a challenge, whereas I was always 'on call'. Go NC, try and get on with your life and see what happens. Do not do what I did, it only hampers your chances. My ex gets on better with me than she does her bf but her level of sexual attraction has waned due to me doormatting myself. Please listen to the good advice you are being given, it will (in time-time being the operative word) increase your chances of reconcilliation. Link to post Share on other sites
Logik Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 Dude, I was with my first girlfriend for like 7 years. She broke it off with me and had a new BF in like a week. I tried to get her back a few times, but gave up after about a month. I totally disappeared out of her life. I moved on and forgot about her. A year later she desperately wanted me back, but I mean desperate. She broke up with her BF, not the same one she had straight after the break up - another guy. She couldn't be with him because she was still in love with me, even though the reason for the breakup was that she didn't love me any more. At this point it was too late. I had found somebody else who I was much happier with. Time bro. Time and patience. You might not even want her if she does come back eventually. Trust me on this one. Move on thinking that she's gone forever. It's the only way. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
mushmush Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 All great advice from people older and more experienced than you.. Trust what they are saying. Rebounds happen because a person is unintentionally filling an emotional and physical void in thier lives. Instead of dealing with the break up and being alone you have someone telling you how wonderful you are. I will re-iterate what they are all saying here. Move on with your life be strong and independant.. Link to post Share on other sites
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