question for the guys; getting out of "friend zone"

[SweetFla]

First I'd like to say thanks for reading.. . I'd REALLY appreciate any advice the guys out there could give me! I'll try to make this as short as possible;

 

I've known the guy now for about 3 yrs. . .we went out a few times a few yrs ago, we hit it off, i thought things were going really well, then he just dropped off the face of the earth, until about 4 months ago; That's when out of the blue he emailed and called me several times, leaving several messages. I waited, not sure about what to do, then finally responded after getting a message that he really "needed a friend to talk to."

 

We met up again, when he told me that his ex girlfriend had just committed suicide, and he was having a hard time. He also explained the reason for the "diasspearing act" 3 yrs ago; he confessed jokingly that he was a player back then and he saw I was "better than that", but now he's a different man.

 

We started talking / texting / IM'ing several times everyday, and maybe the 2nd or 3rd time we got together we kissed a LOT, and NOT like "friends" kiss. Afterwards we talked, he told me that in light of what he's recently been through, he's not ready for a relationship, but he really values my friendship and "doesn't want to mess this up". Thinking that's reasonable, I said okay, but told him we can't kiss like that anymore b/c it's messing with my head, and he agreed.

 

Since then we've become even closer friends, building trust and confiding in each other completely. I've even done a lot of work helping him starting a new business. When we get together and talk in person, we look directly into each others eyes, which makes me think the attraction is still there. I dress sexy, mention other guy friends who I hang out with (and I can sense a little jealousy), I try to give him subtle hints like touching his arm when we're joking around, we laugh alot when we're together. .but nothing's happened. Of course, I don't want to push him b/c of what he's been through.

 

At this point I'm afraid of being put into the "friend zone" forever. I know he's still dealing with his ex-girlfriend's death, and I'm trying to be there for him as much as I can. I'm so glad our friendship has developed, but sometimes I feel like we reach a point when we become really close, and then he pulls back (like going into "his cave"). .then he'll contact me again and say, "sorry partner. .been really stressed lately".

 

What do the guys out there think? Is this a hopeless situation? I really want this guy, but I'm starting to get discouraged. . HELP!!!

[wizardof7]

The death of a friend can make people messed up . I'm going through a similar situation but not due to death , but divorce . Where we have a great time together . But then she pulls away . and says we are moving to fast . And I have the same fear about being put into the friend catagory forever . And I really do have feelings for her . In fact I love her and I know she feels the same way .But she has a lot of mixed up feeling about her marriage . She has kids and she feels guilty about having fun with me .

While her kids are at their dads . And its a big strain on our relationship .

So If his feelings for her { even though she no longer with us } are getting in the way of his feelings for you the only thing that will solve this is time . But you have to ask yourself if its worth it to stick around . Are you ready for a real relationship but he isn't . And are you being fair to yourself by waiting just to be with him . When there are so mony others that are ready . I have a hard time with this . I don't want to leave because of the way I feel about her . But I'm ready and I don't think she is ..............

[oysterman]

Sounds like he's just taking it slow and that he's not comfortable communicating his feelings all the time - otherwise it seems to me he would tell you advance he needs some space. I'd take his cue and if it's been a few days, just ping him and see how he's doing. If it's meant to be, it will happen. I'm also going thru this same thing with a female friend (different circumstances and we're both married) and I sympathize with the pain you're feeling. I also fear being placed in the friend-zone forever and can't get her out of my head - in my case, when I let my true feelings be known, she didn't reciprocate those feelings yet became even more communicative - very confusing. We also have the 'eye contact chemistry' so I know it's more than friendship but the time isn't right. Have you let him know how you feel?

[SweetFla]

Wow. . thanks for the great advice, guys!! It's at least comforting to know that I'm not the only one going through this. At times I think I do want to stick around & wait b/c I've been on so many first dates and it seems like I'm not interested in anybody to the point that I think, "what's wrong with me? why don't I like anyone?" Then this guy (who's not emotionally available) comes back into my life, and the attraction I have to him is overwhelming. . I can't explain it. Then at other times (when he's "in his cave" mostly) I think, "why am I sweating this guy?. .time to move on!". . but then he'll call me & I forget all about it.

 

He does know how I feel (i.e. that I'm looking to progress this into a relationship); after the heavy kissing a couple of mos. ago we had "the convo", which is when he said he needed more time, and when I said we can't kiss like that anymore if we're only going to be friends for now. Since then, we just hug / kiss on the cheek.

 

The biggest problem i'm having is when he "goes into his cave"...I guess I just have to chill out and accept it, or move on. ugh this sucks!!

 

THANKS AGAIN and good luck to you too!

[ADF]

This may not speak directly to your problem, but reading through your post made me think of one thing you should NOT do: do not agree to any kind of friends-with-benefits relationship with this man. And he may suggest it.

 

Women should avoid getting into FWB relationships with men they are genuinely interested in. Many women enter into such arrnagements in the hope that they may grow into something more. But the almost never do. You need to keep in mind is that from a male point of view, FWB is often the ultimate win-win, have-my-cake-and-eat-it-too sitaution. They get frequent sex with a woman they like, plus the companionship her friendship provides. However, they don't have to shoulder any of the responsibilities of a real relationship. Most men in FWB relationships NEVER want them to go any further. If the woman presses the issue, they are more likely than not going to end the relationship.

 

Whatever else you do, avoid this pitfall.