How can I make my wife come home?

[TomH]

* I posted a few weeks in regards to my wife leaving me. We had been together for 10 years and married for 5 years. She left because she said she loved me but wasn’t in love with me and basically didn’t want be with me anymore. She said she had been feeling this way since the start of the Year and that there was no hope for us. She swore she hadn’t been cheating which now a few weeks more have passed I do believe she is telling the truth about.

 

I have done everything I can save the relationship I have sent flowers, wrote cards, sent poems, wrote letters and tried to make her see that we have too much to throw away. She completely refused to try and told me that there was no chance of marriage counselling. She has been staying with a friend for the past two weeks. We agreed that she needed some space and so far haven’t actually told my family about it. Everything is so damn amicable and my wife says she feels like we have grown apart of the years and that we are more like friends. She said she needs her freedom and feels like she missed some of her youth. It’s a real case of the grass could be greener on the other side. I still don’t think she is seeing the full fall out of her decision as at the moment she is sheltered from it.

 

After a serious amount of negotiation she agreed to try this week and we are meeting up twice. She did say though that she really doesn’t think it will make any difference. That her mind is made up and she just cannot come home. That she wants different things and that I deserve much better. She has looked into apartments and how divorce procedures do work. Again I am willing to do anything to save our marriage. I am playing a waiting game as on Saturday she is basically going to give me her final answer.

 

I know many will say and have said that in time she may see the light. After no contact at all that she may come around. Does anybody have any advice for how to bring back her love for me? Or ways that I can bring up memories and get her to relax without being too obvious?

 

Any advice would be fantastic.

 

Thanks, Tom

[lostmirthfulness]

Man first off,

 

I feel for you. Your wife is doing what she thinks is best though. If you could make somebody love you, then life would be much easier.

 

You can try though. In my recent situation, trying only really pushed her away farther. If you want to try to connect with her, ask for help in understanding, if she gets upset, bring up the point that imagin if the situation was reversed a year ago. She would be fighting to, so in her heart, she has to understand that.

[boldjack]

Dude. I'm sorry for your troubles, but there is no way to make her want you, if she has made up her mind to leave. That's a fact. All you can do is to work on your own life, see other people and look to a future without her.

[GrayClouds]

*

Or ways that I can bring up memories and get her to relax without being too obvious?

 

Sorry about your loss. I will warn that likely "thing" you try to do at this point will be interpreted completely opposite of your intent. She will see it a pressuring and annoying. Fact is the more you try to hold her at this point the more she will push away.

 

I suggest you pick up the book "love must be tough" by james dobson. I has a bit of religious bent to it but the information is very very good.

 

If you have not, read the follow link also:

So you want a second chance?

 

Good Luck

[deux ex machina]

As has been pointed out, you cannot make anyone love you.

 

Something tells me her mind is made up right now, so anything that you do that she perceives to be trying to get her to change her mind will only serve to alienate her further.

 

So back way off and be yourself.

 

She will only come back of her own accord. Take your hands off of it completely.

 

Good luck to you.

[seibert253]

Back off, give her space. Begging, pleading, flowers, all signs of weakness. Will do nothing but push her farther away.

 

Are you absolutely sure there's no one else in the picture? Or maybe a potential OM? What have you done to confirm this?

 

The only thing that will bring her back is you need to be strong, show improvement physically and mentally, and appear you are moving on.

 

She may get the WTFAID moment, but she may not. If there's not an OM in the picture, and a W says she's done, that's it, it's over. You need to come to that realization and start planning for it.

 

Plan for the worst, but hope for the best.

[hoping2heal]

* I posted a few weeks in regards to my wife leaving me. We had been together for 10 years and married for 5 years. She left because she said she loved me but wasn’t in love with me and basically didn’t want be with me anymore. She said she had been feeling this way since the start of the Year and that there was no hope for us. She swore she hadn’t been cheating which now a few weeks more have passed I do believe she is telling the truth about.

 

I have done everything I can save the relationship I have sent flowers, wrote cards, sent poems, wrote letters and tried to make her see that we have too much to throw away. She completely refused to try and told me that there was no chance of marriage counselling. She has been staying with a friend for the past two weeks. We agreed that she needed some space and so far haven’t actually told my family about it. Everything is so damn amicable and my wife says she feels like we have grown apart of the years and that we are more like friends. She said she needs her freedom and feels like she missed some of her youth. It’s a real case of the grass could be greener on the other side. I still don’t think she is seeing the full fall out of her decision as at the moment she is sheltered from it.

 

After a serious amount of negotiation she agreed to try this week and we are meeting up twice. She did say though that she really doesn’t think it will make any difference. That her mind is made up and she just cannot come home. That she wants different things and that I deserve much better. She has looked into apartments and how divorce procedures do work. Again I am willing to do anything to save our marriage. I am playing a waiting game as on Saturday she is basically going to give me her final answer.

 

I know many will say and have said that in time she may see the light. After no contact at all that she may come around. Does anybody have any advice for how to bring back her love for me? Or ways that I can bring up memories and get her to relax without being too obvious?

 

Any advice would be fantastic.

 

Thanks, Tom

 

 

Okay, so you said she told you it started this year, and she has fallen out of love with you. Do you have any idea why that might be?

[tryagaintoday]

 

She may get the WTFAID moment, but she may not. If there's not an OM in the picture, and a W says she's done, that's it, it's over. You need to come to that realization and start planning for it.

 

 

Seibert, what do you mean and why?

[dead-dyke]

OK -

 

It's not over, even if the fat lady DOES sing. You don't want to hear it though, just like I never wanted to hear it....... the advice of letting go, and living your life. But it's true. Every last word of it. It hurts, I'll definitely give you that. The people saying to not pursue are right. They are just right. You won't realize it until much later though - unfortunately.

 

The faster you run toward her, the harder she will run away from you. It's human nature. If there was a strong bond to begin with, that will bring her back. She, and only she will know this when it dawns on her. Not now, and not any time in the near future, but it will. The HARDEST thing you will do, is use most of the advice in that link about second chances. It will be counter intuitive to you, but that is the only thing that will make you attractive to her again.

 

I find myself slipping every now and again, but once I've collected my thoughts and returned to the status quot, I see it work. You have to find yourself again, and be that guy she fell in love with. I can speak w/ some form of certainty because, when I found myself separated, and chasing, things only downgraded to a non recoverable point. I'm optimistic, but I blew it w/ my wife. To the point of divorce. A little less than 2 yrs. later, and begrudgingly moving on, guess what? Yeah, we're working it out. Slowly, but it takes time.

 

And this is why I say 'unfortunately' when speaking about realizing what has to be done. Because you will try EVERYTHING that you THINK you should do, and only start the real deal of moving on when hope is lost. You will need to be really over her, and I don't mean try and convince yourself you're over her. Really be over her.... Because if she's convinced it's over, NOBODY will be able to make her try with any real intention of fixing it.

 

And when you don't see it coming.. that's when it happens. I wish you luck, as I really suck at the advice thing, but I've been there........ and it's no way to live. Nothing will change until the core being of the relationship is started fresh.

[lkjh]

the "I live you but not in love with you" line usually means someone else is involved. Just back off and don't come off as needy

[TomH]

Well last night’s cinemas trip was lovely and yet a whole other load of emotions all at the same time. She came over from work and she was quite down on herself especially physically. She was saying I am fat, don't look nice and herself confidence seemed at an all time low. She was asking me for advice what she should wear etc and we then went up to my nan's and had tea and Gemma did her hair for her as normal. This was all fine.

 

We went down to the cinema had a normal chat and watched the film. All very nice and no crossed words and actually no mention of the current situation. She did say she had read some e-mails that I had sent her that I wrote about her when we first going out and that they brought back some memories. I feel like my life is on hold though as I keep mentioning things more than 3 days into the future and can get no answer on them. For example there is a Whitney Houston concert next Year and we have been asked up her Nan's at Half Term. She mentioned a birthday party in London for a family member and she would answer with lines like despite whatever happens between us I won't be going.

 

She told me she had a really nice night and we parted ways. I slipt a card into her bag of clothes which had a lot of quotes that I have read in the past few weeks for example:

 

I think it's called making love because you have to make love work

 

True love is about falling in love time and time again all with the same person

 

Don't give up no matter how hard and no matter how hopeless

 

I am just a guy standing in front of a girl asking her to love him

 

There were loads more of those as well and some are from films we both really like. Some of them also have specfic memories attached. I will see her on Saturday and she said she might pop back during the week to do some washing. She said to text her about prices for the Whitney Houston London Concert. I did that today and asked her if she wanted to book them or me and didn’t get any response at all. I have sent her over an article someone sent me today about getting over marriage problem without a counsellor. I hope she does read it. I am at a loss to know what I should do. My heart says keep fighting until its over and my heart and many tell me just to leave her be now. I think on Saturday if she does say it’s over I have no choice at all to do that. Does anybody have any creative ideas for making her see the light?

[GrayClouds]

Well last night’s cinemas trip was lovely and yet a whole other load of emotions all at the same time. She came over from work and she was quite down on herself especially physically. She was saying I am fat, don't look nice and herself confidence seemed at an all time low. She was asking me for advice what she should wear etc and we then went up to my nan's and had tea and Gemma did her hair for her as normal. This was all fine.

 

We went down to the cinema had a normal chat and watched the film. All very nice and no crossed words and actually no mention of the current situation. She did say she had read some e-mails that I had sent her that I wrote about her when we first going out and that they brought back some memories. I feel like my life is on hold though as I keep mentioning things more than 3 days into the future and can get no answer on them. For example there is a Whitney Houston concert next Year and we have been asked up her Nan's at Half Term. She mentioned a birthday party in London for a family member and she would answer with lines like despite whatever happens between us I won't be going.

 

She told me she had a really nice night and we parted ways. I slipt a card into her bag of clothes which had a lot of quotes that I have read in the past few weeks for example:

 

I think it's called making love because you have to make love work

 

True love is about falling in love time and time again all with the same person

 

Don't give up no matter how hard and no matter how hopeless

 

I am just a guy standing in front of a girl asking her to love him

 

There were loads more of those as well and some are from films we both really like. Some of them also have specfic memories attached. I will see her on Saturday and she said she might pop back during the week to do some washing. She said to text her about prices for the Whitney Houston London Concert. I did that today and asked her if she wanted to book them or me and didn’t get any response at all. I have sent her over an article someone sent me today about getting over marriage problem without a counsellor. I hope she does read it. I am at a loss to know what I should do. My heart says keep fighting until its over and my heart and many tell me just to leave her be now. I think on Saturday if she does say it’s over I have no choice at all to do that. Does anybody have any creative ideas for making her see the light?

 

You don't want to hear this but...You are focusing on the wrong thing. The thing that is going to effect her most is not subtle and not so subtle hints you are offering, but you focusing on yourself. Those your creative ideas to make her see the light is likely comming off as needed, annoying, pressuring and desperate. Would you find that attractive? Stop focusing on her but yourself. Showing her your strong, independent and can take care of yourself with or without her in your life will seem attractive and prepare you if she does not comeback.

 

Good Luck

[TomH]

I have decided that if tomorrow for this second of our planned dates she tells me it's no good or there is no hope then I will follow everybody's advice and just leave her alone. Maybe she will come to her senses and realise we have something to save or maybe not.

 

Tomorrow we have a lot planned - we are off shopping early morning, then to a theme park with that followed by a meal. Some advice if you would.

 

The last thing I want is to have an amazing day tomorrow and then be told again the earth shattering news that she just ain't in to me anymore!

 

Do I just say nothing go through with the day - even if it's a lost hope just give her a great day. Maybe in the future she willn realise.

 

Or tell before tomorrow that if there is no hope then we should call tomorrow off? or atleast if she doesn't have an open mind.

[Limbo21]

Oh Tom man, I have no advice as I'm going through it myself but I'm feeling for you

 

I just want to wish you the best

 

Limbo

[gavinus]

The advice everybody is giving you to back off is sound advice based on their experience. I advise you to let her go because how can she miss you if you are there?? Being a nice guy is ok but being a nice guy won't make her see you......it will only make her feel ok about whats going on. I feel your pain, everybody does, let her go....let her find out what she has missed out on, how can she miss and want to be with you if you are there? Would she be happy if you left her? Would she plan a day out together? Cancel the date, she is wanting the best of both worlds....she wants you when she wants you.......but when she does not she does not. Let her go, be strong, don't let her win! Show her she has let you go..what she has lost....and maybe, just maybe she will come back!!

 

A great quote off this site (not from me) but still true: You don't respect a doormat you wipe your feet on it: best wishes

Edited October 16, 2009 by gavinus

[TomH]

Well today the trip to theme park was really nice. She said she had an amazing time and we did have a real laugh and let our hair down. I had a chat with her on the way up and told her exactly how I was feeling and basically that I didn’t think much of the way she had been treating me of late. She agreed and did apologise.

 

On the way back we were due to go for a meal. After the good day I asked her if she was considering give us another go. She told me that she just couldn’t and that she could only just us ever being friends. We headed back to the house and on the way we talked and in the house about things. She again swore she wasn’t cheating and I do think she is telling the truth. I may be wrong but not much I can do about that really. She said she was devastated to hurt me etc but that she just couldn’t come back and try. I tried to explain to her that she has done nothing to save our marriage. She will not see a marriage counsellor with me and she won’t actually give it a go with us both trying to resolve things. She said simply she just doesn’t love me anymore but will always care about me and I hope I am ok etc etc. She started to pack her stuff and will be back on Tuesday for the rest. She is taking a few more days just to think about everything from where she is going to live, down to money issues etc. I guess now I have no choice but to move on however hard that maybe. I hope she realises after a period of time that she has made a mistake. However I am not hopeful. Is it possible to fall out of love someone completely? Someone you married and said you loved.

[Yashy]

Tom, I think the best way to go about this is to really focus on something you love doing, a passion of some kind which will not only make you productive but also be fruitful when it's done/focused on.

 

The reason is that when you are constantly focusing your energy on her, all it is doing is (as cliche as it may sound) limiting what you can achieve. If every single time, your approach was to 'win her back' and she's saying 'no', then why not try a different approach? Changing your approach = changing your results.

 

At the same time, I would seriously consider making something of your own time, whether it is going to the gym or something productive which you have been putting behind, as that will lead to a much much greater level of self confidence which she will sense immediately. She HAS to see this. The advantage of this is that not only will this make you more determined to do things in order to fulfill your goal but when you reach your goal/targets and you see she didn't come back, you will at the very least be in a far better place emotionally. That's where you want to be, so that regardless of the outcome you are in a position of strength.

 

I literally just lost my girlfriend of 3years around 6 weeks ago. I was lost, messed up and she won't come back to me. However, on a regular basis I put my time into making sure I spend time with my friends, further my career and keep regularly going to the gym as the physical workout definitely adds to a better mental state of mind. All I tell myself is that 'I want to be in a better state of mind than before and if she sees this, she may come back later'. However, by that point I may not even want that, but what I am saying is that through doing this it will change your psychology and that will have far far greater advantages than you trying to go back to her and attempt on sorting things out.

 

I hope this helps.