WS......SEX with OW/OM? Sex in M, can it get better?

[Spoiled]

This is so embarrassing and shameful to admit. I probably should also post in another forum.

 

I was far more sexually open with my xMOM than any other man and believe vice versa. I was relaxed, comfortable and so far outside of myself, I gave my alter ego a name. We experimented with it all: positions, oral sex, role playing, and much more. Sex was for us was sinful, yet seemed so natural and was awesome, we could both reach 2-3 orgasms in a few hours, and he had erectile issues.

 

My issue, I have never been this open with anyone or even close to this sexual experience, not even my H. Sex for me in the past few years(prior to A) of my M was out of obligation, not because I truly desired it. For the past few months, I am having to force myself to feel half of this passion in the bedroom. I am REALLY trying, I do love my H, but I just don't "feel" it. My H is very attracted to me and desires to please me. How can I gain this passion in my M, a passion I had never felt before? Our sex life, for me, was never truly exciting. Oral sex is not enjoyable due to consistent pre-ejaculatory flow.

I prefer quickies because I quickly get hot with H's sweat even if the room temp is 60degrees. Any advice????????

[mybrowneyedgirl]

i dont have tons of experience to go by so maybe i shouldnt be posting but i think that sex really is related to the emotions (at least for me it is)

 

sex has always been great with H. even during my A. no complaints. sex with AP was great too, although much different. and new also has a little bit of excitement that goes with it.

 

but you cant compare the two. theyre different people. one not necessarily better than the other. just different.

 

sit back and think that there must be things your H has/does that you like better than the other guy.

[NowhereToHide]

My H is awesome in bed. My xAP, was not.

 

Even with that said, after my A ended, I had the hardest time enjoying sex with my H because of all the feelings I had experienced with my AP... the love, the adoration, the affection. I found it was really hard to have sex with H and NOT think about the OM.

 

I will say that now, it's not an issue. It's taken time.

 

It's hard when you open yourself up to experiencing something different. But that's all it is... different. When I felt ready, I really just opened myself up completely to my H in bed... we brought back things that we both liked and changed it up a bit. It's better than it's ever been.

 

You may need time still to get over what you're feeling for your xAP. But once it feels better, recommit to it. Engage your husband, try new things. It CAN get better again.

[Spoiled]

My H is awesome in bed. My xAP, was not.

 

Even with that said, after my A ended, I had the hardest time enjoying sex with my H because of all the feelings I had experienced with my AP... the love, the adoration, the affection. I found it was really hard to have sex with H and NOT think about the OM.

 

I will say that now, it's not an issue. It's taken time.

 

It's hard when you open yourself up to experiencing something different. But that's all it is... different. When I felt ready, I really just opened myself up completely to my H in bed... we brought back things that we both liked and changed it up a bit. It's better than it's ever been.

 

You may need time still to get over what you're feeling for your xAP. But once it feels better, recommit to it. Engage your husband, try new things. It CAN get better again.

 

Thanks for your input. I am not at all saying that my H does not satisfy me or is not good in bed. But like you said, it was very different and the few things that hinder me with my H just were not an issue with my xAP. I terribly regret experiencing "something different."

 

That is the problem, I am struggling to start things that were never there before. I had a hard time enjoying sex with H a few years prior to A because of what I mentioned in my initial post. Of course the A made it even more difficult. I also have been recently diagnosed with a common mental disorder which has enlightened us in several areas of my life in which certain aspects are more noticeable to me versus other people(if that makes sense). I have to keep telling my H it is not him, it is me, but we are working with our MC and IC to find ways to help. Emotionally, my situation is getting better, but not where it used to or should be. Mentally, I have to work on the issues that affect me. My H is very willing to help but I need to hear it can get better.

[NowhereToHide]

Thanks for your input. I am not at all saying that my H does not satisfy me or is not good in bed. But like you said, it was very different and the few things that hinder me with my H just were not an issue with my xAP. I terribly regret experiencing "something different."

 

That is the problem, I am struggling to start things that were never there before. I had a hard time enjoying sex with H a few years prior to A because of what I mentioned in my initial post. Of course the A made it even more difficult. I also have been recently diagnosed with a common mental disorder which has enlightened us in several areas of my life in which certain aspects are more noticeable to me versus other people(if that makes sense). I have to keep telling my H it is not him, it is me, but we are working with our MC and IC to find ways to help. Emotionally, my situation is getting better, but not where it used to or should be. Mentally, I have to work on the issues that affect me. My H is very willing to help but I need to hear it can get better.

 

 

I think it CAN get better. He can change some things, but the two issues that you mentioned don't really seem to be in his control. You can ask him to change OTHER things that can help, though.

 

The biggest thing that will have to change is YOU, though. How you perceive him, how you look at your marriage, how you evaluate things. That's the other part of the equation.

[Spoiled]

I think it CAN get better. He can change some things, but the two issues that you mentioned don't really seem to be in his control. You can ask him to change OTHER things that can help, though.

 

The biggest thing that will have to change is YOU, though. How you perceive him, how you look at your marriage, how you evaluate things. That's the other part of the equation.

 

I agree, he cannot control those issues. I MUST find ways to get past them but it's difficult, mentally, I honestly cannot control it. My H knows I am trying, spending hours in the bookstore reading and internet searches and I share the info with him because it gives both of us tips. I told him, our MC, and my IC that I feel so high maintenance but they all keep telling me it's mental. My poor H, he's been so patient and understanding. I owe him so much.

[NowhereToHide]

I agree, he cannot control those issues. I MUST find ways to get past them but it's difficult, mentally, I honestly cannot control it. My H knows I am trying, spending hours in the bookstore reading and internet searches and I share the info with him because it gives both of us tips. I told him, our MC, and my IC that I feel so high maintenance but they all keep telling me it's mental. My poor H, he's been so patient and understanding. I owe him so much.

 

You will find a way. You sound committed and so does your H. He sounds like a great guy.

 

I would suggest working on your emotional connection, too. I am amazed at how much better the sex with my H has gotten since I opened myself back up to him emotionally.

[Fallen Angel]

I agree, he cannot control those issues. I MUST find ways to get past them but it's difficult, mentally, I honestly cannot control it. My H knows I am trying, spending hours in the bookstore reading and internet searches and I share the info with him because it gives both of us tips. I told him, our MC, and my IC that I feel so high maintenance but they all keep telling me it's mental. My poor H, he's been so patient and understanding. I owe him so much.

 

I have absolutely no advice to offer about the sexual issues you are dealing with right now.

 

I am sorry that you and your husband are going through this when you have been through so much already. I just hope you are reminding HIM how grateful you are that he is so patient and understanding. I am sure just telling him that will go a long way in helping as you repair your marriage. I think at our core, most of us just want to be fully appreciated!

 

You sound like you have an amazing man who loves you deeply, good luck in finding all the wonderful ways to love each other more!

[fooled once]

Sex with a married man usually is completely different than with a spouse.

 

Sex outside of marriage is taboo - forbidden, done in secret, etc. Many times it needs to be quick.

 

Marriage sex CAN become boring, if you let it. Anything can get stale and hum drum if it isn't nurtured and fed.

 

How about going to sex therapy? How about you and your H buying a game or a book and experimenting?

 

Does your H know of the affair?

[Spoiled]

I have absolutely no advice to offer about the sexual issues you are dealing with right now.

 

I am sorry that you and your husband are going through this when you have been through so much already. I just hope you are reminding HIM how grateful you are that he is so patient and understanding. I am sure just telling him that will go a long way in helping as you repair your marriage. I think at our core, most of us just want to be fully appreciated!

 

You sound like you have an amazing man who loves you deeply, good luck in finding all the wonderful ways to love each other more!

 

Thanks, I tell him often how much he is appreciated. I honestly thought my H was going to be too prideful to work through all of this. Just another way of me seeing his love for me.

[Spoiled]

Sex with a married man usually is completely different than with a spouse.

 

Sex outside of marriage is taboo - forbidden, done in secret, etc. Many times it needs to be quick.

 

Marriage sex CAN become boring, if you let it. Anything can get stale and hum drum if it isn't nurtured and fed.

 

How about going to sex therapy? How about you and your H buying a game or a book and experimenting?

 

Does your H know of the affair?

 

Not quick, I actually felt more relaxed and did not rush. Yes, we bought a game a few years back and still enjoy it. Thanks for the suggestions. Yes, he does know of the affair. Worse knots in my stomach when I had to tell him.

[fooled once]

Thanks, I tell him often how much he is appreciated. I honestly thought my H was going to be too prideful to work through all of this. Just another way of me seeing his love for me.

 

remember that when you are feeling less than sexy or less excited when being intimate.

 

Maybe it isn't the same as the forbidden sex with the MM, but this is obviously a man who LOVES you and wants to be with you. He could have bolted. But he stayed and he is willing to keep the marriage going. So time for you to step up and maybe --- TMI --- be on top so he doesn't sweat on you; maybe viagra for him; heck, maybe have a few drinks to loosen you up so that you CAN be more open and experimentive with him.

 

Also remember, sex will more than likely go away one day; when both are older, the body begins to break down etc....

 

If there is a lasting foundation, then the lack of 'sex' won't be a big deal.

 

In addition, you could one day lose the ability to orgasm; you wouldn't want him to walk away from you over things you can't control, right?

 

Intimacy for me is very different than sex. Having a deep love, consideration, caring for your spouse is truly, IMHO, what really matters. I am not saying sex isn't a big deal; but it isn't everything.

 

Good luck!

[whattodonow12]

It is possible that you won't have that sexual connection with your H. If you did, you may not be in the situation that you are now. I know that may be true for me. In my personal opinion, the sexual connection is an extremely important one, but it also goes hand in hand with the emotional connection. I have been married many years, and I found out early on that I didn't have that sexual connection with my H. Sex was okay, but just not the way that I felt it should be. All you can do is try... try to do the best to make the best of it if you want to be with your H. Good luck to you. I truly believe that some people just have more chemistry with one another.

[Spoiled]

remember that when you are feeling less than sexy or less excited when being intimate.

 

Maybe it isn't the same as the forbidden sex with the MM, but this is obviously a man who LOVES you and wants to be with you. He could have bolted. But he stayed and he is willing to keep the marriage going. So time for you to step up and maybe --- TMI --- be on top so he doesn't sweat on you; maybe viagra for him; heck, maybe have a few drinks to loosen you up so that you CAN be more open and experimentive with him.

 

Also remember, sex will more than likely go away one day; when both are older, the body begins to break down etc....

 

If there is a lasting foundation, then the lack of 'sex' won't be a big deal.

 

In addition, you could one day lose the ability to orgasm; you wouldn't want him to walk away from you over things you can't control, right?

 

Intimacy for me is very different than sex. Having a deep love, consideration, caring for your spouse is truly, IMHO, what really matters. I am not saying sex isn't a big deal; but it isn't everything.

 

Good luck!

 

:DMy favorite!!!!!!!!!!! My xAP was the one who needs viagra. Not sure if it was a constant problem for him or if he was just stressed/anxious about the entire situation. My H has noooooooooo problems in that area. I may have to stop worrying about the calories of the alcohol and take a few, that will surely get me relaxed, but then I'll be the one sweating:o. I want it to be more natural, thanks for post, helpful.

[Devil Inside]

Hey Spoiled...huh...that screen name has some meaning I see. In many ways I felt that I was spoiled in bed when it cam to my A. I understand.

 

My xOW was very, very, very sexy. More than that, I have never felt so open and free to experiement sexually with any other woman...and she felt the same way. Like you, we tries anything we could come up with...we felt safe with each other this was...and we both knew that we desired each other in a crazy way.

 

Sex with my wife has never been like this. It has been good...but nothing like it was with my xOW. When my A ended...I thought that I would have to have a sex life with my wife like I did with my xOW. I thought that I would need that to be able to feel passion for her.

 

Thing is...it is not fair for me to compare the two women. It is also a set up if I think that I can only enjoy sex if it was like it was during my A. Because truth is...it may never be like that again..with anybody...and there were no garuntees that a year down the road, if I left my wife, that the sex with my xOW would still be as hot.

 

So first thing...I think you have to accept that it is going to be different. That you have to find ways to make it better, and special for the two of you...sex is important...but it will not be the same.

 

The other thing...sex is not everything. It can feel like it is the most important part of a relationship when it is lacking...but it is not everything. There are probably ways that your H lets you know how much passion he feels. Sex may not be the thing that the two of you connect at...but there are other areas.

 

Look...I know how hard it is. It will get better. I know that I had withdrawal from the intensity of the sexual relationship. I know that for awhile I felt that there was no way I could go back to vanilla sex. What I have found is that I need to take a little from my A and bring it into my M.

 

Good luck. Let me know what you find helps. We are on this journey together.

[Spoiled]

Hey Spoiled...huh...that screen name has some meaning I see. In many ways I felt that I was spoiled in bed when it cam to my A. I understand.

 

My xOW was very, very, very sexy. More than that, I have never felt so open and free to experiement sexually with any other woman...and she felt the same way. Like you, we tries anything we could come up with...we felt safe with each other this was...and we both knew that we desired each other in a crazy way.

Sex with my wife has never been like this. It has been good...but nothing like it was with my xOW. When my A ended...I thought that I would have to have a sex life with my wife like I did with my xOW. I thought that I would need that to be able to feel passion for her.

 

Thing is...it is not fair for me to compare the two women. It is also a set up if I think that I can only enjoy sex if it was like it was during my A. Because truth is...it may never be like that again..with anybody...and there were no garuntees that a year down the road, if I left my wife, that the sex with my xOW would still be as hot.

 

So first thing...I think you have to accept that it is going to be different. That you have to find ways to make it better, and special for the two of you...sex is important...but it will not be the same.

 

The other thing...sex is not everything. It can feel like it is the most important part of a relationship when it is lacking...but it is not everything. There are probably ways that your H lets you know how much passion he feels. Sex may not be the thing that the two of you connect at...but there are other areas.

 

Look...I know how hard it is. It will get better. I know that I had withdrawal from the intensity of the sexual relationship. I know that for awhile I felt that there was no way I could go back to vanilla sex. What I have found is that I need to take a little from my A and bring it into my M.

 

Good luck. Let me know what you find helps. We are on this journey together.

 

Thank you DI for the input. It is not fair to compare the two men and I do accept that it will be different. Sex was never very important to me, but I contribute that to never having such a grand experience like that in the A. I had such limited experience prior to my M due to fear of pregnancy and stds, then get into a situation like this was crazy. Yet, surprised at what I seemed to be missing. Without his knowledge, my xAP loved the physical areas about me in which I was self-conscience. You say how sexy your xOW was, well, you probably made her feel very sexy. Making her far more comfortable with you.

 

Our A was primarily and very emotional, but I am having serious emotional and physical withdrawal this week. "Vanilla sex", thanks for the smile.

[Devil Inside]

Thank you DI for the input. It is not fair to compare the two men and I do accept that it will be different. Sex was never very important to me, but I contribute that to never having such a grand experience like that in the A. I had such limited experience prior to my M due to fear of pregnancy and stds, then get into a situation like this was crazy. Yet, surprised at what I seemed to be missing. Without his knowledge, my xAP loved the physical areas about me in which I was self-conscience. You say how sexy your xOW was, well, you probably made her feel very sexy. Making her far more comfortable with you.

 

Our A was primarily and very emotional, but I am having serious emotional and physical withdrawal this week. "Vanilla sex", thanks for the smile.

 

This is so true.

 

She was always self-conscience of her curvy body. I worshiped it. I loved every curve on her. She told me that she could see in my eyes that this was the truth...and she said that she became the woman in bed that I saw. In turn, I became the man that she desired.

 

The lesson here...is how do I make my wife feel that way. Also, why doesn't she make me feel that way. I worry that our infidelity may have damaged that. We'll have to see.

[pkn06002]

I am finding this thread interesting since I am struggling with the same issues a year later.

 

So I am hoping you guys can find something that works because I got nothing.

[Spoiled]

I am finding this thread interesting since I am struggling with the same issues a year later.

 

So I am hoping you guys can find something that works because I got nothing.

 

 

We must keep trying. I sure will posts what helps me.

[Spoiled]

This is so true.

 

She was always self-conscience of her curvy body. I worshiped it. I loved every curve on her. She told me that she could see in my eyes that this was the truth...and she said that she became the woman in bed that I saw. In turn, I became the man that she desired.

The lesson here...is how do I make my wife feel that way. Also, why doesn't she make me feel that way. I worry that our infidelity may have damaged that. We'll have to see.

 

 

Whew, you had me concerned. I thought you may be my xAP, then I recall you saying she got divorced. That man worshiped my body, I felt it with every touch and the way he stared at me when we made love. I KNOW exactly what your xOW felt, like a queen. Making you feel like a king was nothing for her, extremely easy and a pure joy. I know my H finds me attractive and views me as sexy, he just doesn't make me feel that way.

 

I refuse to give up.

[NowhereToHide]

Whew, you had me concerned. I thought you may be my xAP, then I recall you saying she got divorced. That man worshiped my body, I felt it with every touch and the way he stared at me when we made love. I KNOW exactly what your xOW felt, like a queen. Making you feel like a king was nothing for her, extremely easy and a pure joy. I know my H finds me attractive and views me as sexy, he just doesn't make me feel that way.

 

I refuse to give up.

 

 

Interesting... I felt some of that with my xAP. But the more I think about it, I feel it more from my husband.

[pkn06002]

Whew, you had me concerned. I thought you may be my xAP, then I recall you saying she got divorced. That man worshiped my body, I felt it with every touch and the way he stared at me when we made love. I KNOW exactly what your xOW felt, like a queen. Making you feel like a king was nothing for her, extremely easy and a pure joy. I know my H finds me attractive and views me as sexy, he just doesn't make me feel that way.

 

I refuse to give up.

 

I had to read some of your other posts to make sure you were not my xOW.

 

Because what you have above is what I used to hear and experience.

 

Always interesting how the same ideas/phrases/feelings are so common in affairs.

Edited October 13, 2009 by pkn06002

[Spoiled]

I had to read some of your other posts to make sure you were not my xOW.

 

Because what you have above is what I used to hear and experience.

 

Always interesting how the same ideas/phrases/feelings are so common in affairs.

 

Oh yeah. Also interesting how you start feeling paranoid about whether or not someone on LS knows you personally. At least for me.

[riley707]

Not sure if this helps, but I read somewhere that thinking of your current spouse in the same light as you used to when you FIRST met helps.

 

Teach the mind to think about them before the whole marriage / kids thing happened and remember where you were mentally during that time.

 

Back the relationship being new. Flashback to when it was hot.

[Devil Inside]

Not sure if this helps, but I read somewhere that thinking of your current spouse in the same light as you used to when you FIRST met helps.

 

Teach the mind to think about them before the whole marriage / kids thing happened and remember where you were mentally during that time.

 

Back the relationship being new. Flashback to when it was hot.

 

I can see a lot of merit in this approach. It is true for me at least that before we had kids I had a much stronger connection sexually with my wife.

 

We also found that connection later in our marriage as well.

 

It's just difficult because it takes work. However makes me realize that eventually it would have become work with my xAP as well...hard as that is to imagine...I think it is true.