WS......SEX with OW/OM? Sex in M, can it get better?

[jennie-jennie]

I can see a lot of merit in this approach. It is true for me at least that before we had kids I had a much stronger connection sexually with my wife.

 

We also found that connection later in our marriage as well.

 

It's just difficult because it takes work. However makes me realize that eventually it would have become work with my xAP as well...hard as that is to imagine...I think it is true.

 

DI, I wonder if it IS true. Perhaps your fOW just has a stronger libido than your wife? Okay, I know your affair only lasted for 10 months, and there is the initial rush which tends to last for a year or so in every relationship. But then we have to be aware that different partners have different libidos, more or less compatible with our own libidos.

 

No matter how long of a long term relationship I am in, my libido is always strong. I still continue to desire the body of my partner. My MM loves this about me, that I make him feel desired. And I know from experience that this is a character trait of mine, not caused by the affair. That is how I am, I desire my men.

[Devil Inside]

DI, I wonder if it IS true. Perhaps your fOW just has a stronger libido than your wife? Okay, I know your affair only lasted for 10 months, and there is the initial rush which tends to last for a year or so in every relationship. But then we have to be aware that different partners have different libidos, more or less compatible with our own libidos.

 

No matter how long of a long term relationship I am in, my libido is always strong. I still continue to desire the body of my partner. My MM loves this about me, that I make him feel desired. And I know from experience that this is a character trait of mine, not caused by the affair. That is how I am, I desire my men.

 

Well I can agree that it is completely possible. My fOW was different sexually then my W is or ever was. However...I am just thinking that it could change. What could change is ME. Maybe I am the one with the issue. Maybe I am the one that has better sex when it is with someone I am not tied down with responsibility with.

 

Either way...I have to accept...the sex with fOW was out of this world...but it is over.

[WalkInThePark]

The lesson here...is how do I make my wife feel that way. Also, why doesn't she make me feel that way. I worry that our infidelity may have damaged that. We'll have to see.

 

Maybe you married the wrong woman? I think that in a good relationship there is attraction on the emotional, intellectual and physical level. That is something very RARE! Time and time again I see relationships struggle where people got together despite the fact that one of these aspects were missing. The couples I know that work well are couples where the physical attraction is very much alive. You see and feel that in the way these people behave with each other.

[Spoiled]

Not sure if this helps, but I read somewhere that thinking of your current spouse in the same light as you used to when you FIRST met helps.

 

Teach the mind to think about them before the whole marriage / kids thing happened and remember where you were mentally during that time.

 

Back the relationship being new. Flashback to when it was hot.

 

Very valid and I have browsed our old photos, read our old letters/cards, and more. This is helping to get back to where it was initially. I was trained to focus more on everything else in relationships that I naively assumed the sex would be just as awesome. I thought marriage would bring the fire into the bedroom, not the person? The sex was never "mind blowing" or "hot", but enjoyable.

[aeh]

Whew, you had me concerned. I thought you may be my xAP, then I recall you saying she got divorced. That man worshiped my body, I felt it with every touch and the way he stared at me when we made love. I KNOW exactly what your xOW felt, like a queen. Making you feel like a king was nothing for her, extremely easy and a pure joy. I know my H finds me attractive and views me as sexy, he just doesn't make me feel that way.

 

I refuse to give up.

 

I know EXACTLY how you feel. During my RA, this is how my XAP made me feel! Sex was absolutely beautiful, it was otherworldly, beyond amazing. While my H is the one who loves me beyond compare (even though he had an almost year long A), my XAP is the one who made me feel absolutely gorgeous, as if my body was the most terrific ever, etc. And I think the sexiest thing about when we had sex was not what he had between his legs, but it was his eyes! The way he looked at me, stared at me as if he had never seen anything so beautiful. The way we would look into each others eyes, what we communicated without saying a word (even though there was tons of talking) is what I can't get out of my mind.

[Spoiled]

Well I can agree that it is completely possible. My fOW was different sexually then my W is or ever was. However...I am just thinking that it could change. What could change is ME. Maybe I am the one with the issue. Maybe I am the one that has better sex when it is with someone I am not tied down with responsibility with.

 

Either way...I have to accept...the sex with fOW was out of this world...but it is over.

 

 

Yes, but haven't you had sex with someone prior to M in which you were not involved in a committed relationship? What about the sex you/we/I have had in other new and exciting relationships?

 

I need to change. I have an issue. I have never opened up to my H like I did with my xAP. I feel shameful and it really bothers me that I am and have not being a total "whore" with my own spouse.

[pkn06002]

This is an interesting topic and something I also cannot resolve.

 

Several comments are interesting:

 

1) The eyes thing, the two married woman I have been involved with mentioned my eyes over and over all the time. Where normal relationships (including my marriage) I never hear a thing about it. As little as a comment about looks/eyes is it was always a turn on and something that made me feel special. I mean to have someone pay so much attention to you that they notice how your eyes change colors is very powerful.

 

2) The feed back loop that seems to be between AP's is different than any "normal" relationship I have ever had. It is just different like everyone involved just wants to please and please never really worrying about themselves.

 

3) This idea of look to the past to fix the marriage trying to recover. I just don't get that idea. That seems like reaching for something to hang your hat on.

 

The idea of the type of sexual freedom in an affair is something I always struggle with. Could it be tied to the notion there is no pretext to a greater relationship so you live more in the moment?

[HisSweetThing]

This is so true.

 

She was always self-conscience of her curvy body. I worshiped it. I loved every curve on her. She told me that she could see in my eyes that this was the truth...and she said that she became the woman in bed that I saw. In turn, I became the man that she desired.

 

The lesson here...is how do I make my wife feel that way. Also, why doesn't she make me feel that way. I worry that our infidelity may have damaged that. We'll have to see.

 

DI, I agree with WITP - maybe you married the wrong woman. I commend you for trying to save your marriage. But is it really worth saving? And at what cost to you and to your wife? I know you're the only one who can answer these questions. But it was a no-brainer for me. That's why I'm in the process of getting a divorce. I think we should all be married to the person who makes us feel the way everyone here is talking about.

 

As another poster said, it's his eyes. It's the way he looks at me. It's the way I feel when he looks at me.

[HisSweetThing]

I need to change. I have an issue. I have never opened up to my H like I did with my xAP. I feel shameful and it really bothers me that I am and have not being a total "whore" with my own spouse.

 

For 22 years I thought I was the one with the issue. And I guess I was. I never opened up to my stbxH like I do with OMM. I never gave myself to him completely. I never let go with him. If I thought it was possible to change that, I wouldn't be getting a divorce. I just think the chemistry and attraction were never there like they should have been. That's what I want - even if things don't work out with OMM. That's what I want in life. If I stayed with my husband I would have been settling for way less and he knew that too.

[Spoiled]

I know EXACTLY how you feel. During my RA, this is how my XAP made me feel! Sex was absolutely beautiful, it was otherworldly, beyond amazing. While my H is the one who loves me beyond compare (even though he had an almost year long A), my XAP is the one who made me feel absolutely gorgeous, as if my body was the most terrific ever, etc. And I think the sexiest thing about when we had sex was not what he had between his legs, but it was his eyes! The way he looked at me, stared at me as if he had never seen anything so beautiful. The way we would look into each others eyes, what we communicated without saying a word (even though there was tons of talking) is what I can't get out of my mind.

 

So true, my H never looked at me like that. Everyone expresses love in different ways. Whether public or private, My H makes me feel sexy by the way he hugs me, proudly holds my hand, helps with my chair, and his consistent gentleman ways. I respond more with verbal affection. My xAP would whisper in my ear, touch me under the table, saying my name like I was the only with that name:love:, the excitement in his voice to hear mine.

 

I have been praying for those visuals to leave my mind. Some days it drives me insane. Do I think I'm beautiful? YES. Do I think I'm sexy? HELL YES with my curves. I do not need validation but it sure feels wonderful to have someone strongly admire and worship your beauty.

 

My H would give me those compliments but it didn't come across like that. I need him to whisper it in my ear, and put a little dirtiness in it.

[Devil Inside]

I know EXACTLY how you feel. During my RA, this is how my XAP made me feel! Sex was absolutely beautiful, it was otherworldly, beyond amazing. While my H is the one who loves me beyond compare (even though he had an almost year long A), my XAP is the one who made me feel absolutely gorgeous, as if my body was the most terrific ever, etc. And I think the sexiest thing about when we had sex was not what he had between his legs, but it was his eyes! The way he looked at me, stared at me as if he had never seen anything so beautiful. The way we would look into each others eyes, what we communicated without saying a word (even though there was tons of talking) is what I can't get out of my mind.

 

BIN freaking GO...I mean that is so dead on. To have an orgasm at the same time while staring into another's eyes is really an intense and changing experience.

 

I mean the technique, and positions, and location...all of that is great...but it is that connection that really makes the sex raise to another level.

 

My wife and I have spoken about keeping our eyes open. She really struggles with it. She says that she is afraid to look and see what my eyes are saying. However she also says it helps her to reach orgasm when she concentrates and has her eyes closed.

 

For me the orgasm is so much more intense with the eyes open. It is really the ultimate sexual experience in my opinion. I mean trust me...we even did doggy style in front of a mirror so we could see that hunger in each other's eyes.

[Devil Inside]

DI, I agree with WITP - maybe you married the wrong woman. I commend you for trying to save your marriage. But is it really worth saving? And at what cost to you and to your wife? I know you're the only one who can answer these questions. But it was a no-brainer for me. That's why I'm in the process of getting a divorce. I think we should all be married to the person who makes us feel the way everyone here is talking about.

 

As another poster said, it's his eyes. It's the way he looks at me. It's the way I feel when he looks at me.

 

I know...I hear you. This is something that I need to figure out. I am giving myself a year to do it...because we both deserve to have this connection with each other...or someone else.

[pkn06002]

I need him to whisper it in my ear, and put a little dirtiness in it.

 

Thing is though your husband (like my wife) is not a person that does that type of thing. Or worse if they did do it you might consider it odd and just not right because of how they have always acted.

[Spoiled]

This is an interesting topic and something I also cannot resolve.

 

Several comments are interesting:

 

1) The eyes thing, the two married woman I have been involved with mentioned my eyes over and over all the time. Where normal relationships (including my marriage) I never hear a thing about it. As little as a comment about looks/eyes is it was always a turn on and something that made me feel special. I mean to have someone pay so much attention to you that they notice how your eyes change colors is very powerful.

 

2) The feed back loop that seems to be between AP's is different than any "normal" relationship I have ever had. It is just different like everyone involved just wants to please and please never really worrying about themselves.

 

3) This idea of look to the past to fix the marriage trying to recover. I just don't get that idea. That seems like reaching for something to hang your hat on.

 

The idea of the type of sexual freedom in an affair is something I always struggle with. Could it be tied to the notion there is no pretext to a greater relationship so you live more in the moment?

 

 

This is what I consistently hear and read. However, I have a high libido, and always wanted to be a super freak, whore, and everything else in the bedroom. Watched porn since I was twelve, even wanted to make a movie with my xAP. My H never brought that out of me. I noticed many ways my xAP would get me in the mood. I grabbed my H for sex far more than usual during that A.

 

I lived in the moment because that man would call me and tell me how much he enjoyed kissing and tasting me, stop and stare at me, take ~1 hour to kiss me all over, talk super dirty to me(many miles away), explored my body to find my spots and new ones. Let me stop. But, what I am trying to convey is that if someone else had done that to me in the past, they probably would have received the same reaction.

 

So why do we not do all of this for our spouses?

[NowhereToHide]

My xAP did some things that my husband normally doesn't do. And they were things that I found drove me intensely crazy (in a good way). What I started doing was during sex with my H, I started asking him for the same things. And while at first it was really hard because it reminded my of my AP, now they are things that he knows he can do to really get me going.

 

And yes, the eyes. My God, that is something that I will never forget either. I even texted my xAP after we were physical about that very connection. He said it took him forever to erase it from his phone because it was a powerful memory for him, too.

[Spoiled]

BIN freaking GO...I mean that is so dead on. To have an orgasm at the same time while staring into another's eyes is really an intense and changing experience.

 

I mean the technique, and positions, and location...all of that is great...but it is that connection that really makes the sex raise to another level.

 

My wife and I have spoken about keeping our eyes open. She really struggles with it. She says that she is afraid to look and see what my eyes are saying. However she also says it helps her to reach orgasm when she concentrates and has her eyes closed.

 

For me the orgasm is so much more intense with the eyes open. It is really the ultimate sexual experience in my opinion. I mean trust me...we even did doggy style in front of a mirror so we could see that hunger in each other's eyes.

 

 

Sure you're not my xAP? lol

You do know talking about all of this and reminded ourselves is probably not helpful?

[NowhereToHide]

This is what I consistently hear and read. However, I have a high libido, and always wanted to be a super freak, whore, and everything else in the bedroom. Watched porn since I was twelve, even wanted to make a movie with my xAP. My H never brought that out of me. I noticed many ways my xAP would get me in the mood. I grabbed my H for sex far more than usual during that A.

 

I lived in the moment because that man would call me and tell me how much he enjoyed kissing and tasting me, stop and stare at me, take ~1 hour to kiss me all over, talk super dirty to me(many miles away), explored my body to find my spots and new ones. Let me stop. But, what I am trying to convey is that if someone else had done that to me in the past, they probably would have received the same reaction.

 

So why do we not do all of this for our spouses?

 

We CAN do this for our spouses. We just can't do it EVERY time. I have kids, a business, responsibilities. Sex is just NOT going to be powerful and mind-blowing every time we do it. It is VERY satisfying every time, but it isn't going to have that intensity.

 

But you can have that. We do. You just have to plan for it, make time and get your head in the game for it. Going away helps us. But sometimes it's just a Saturday and the kids are in bed and we look at the clock, see that it's only 9:00 p.m. and we know we have a LOT of time to put into it.

 

When you meet for an affair to have sex, it's so different. Expectations are different. There aren't responsibilities, pressures. And yes, you want to please, please please. It's a dynamic made for passion.

[Devil Inside]

Sure you're not my xAP? lol

You do know talking about all of this and reminded ourselves is probably not helpful?

 

 

LOL...I've thought that too..but as you see there are many of us here saying the exact same things...so obviously they are not so unique. Which means we should be able to replicate them with our spouses.

 

The reminding of the sex is probably not helpful...but trust me this doesn't make it any worse..I'm a guy..I think about that kind of stuff all the time.

[Devil Inside]

Y

 

I need to change. I have an issue. I have never opened up to my H like I did with my xAP. I feel shameful and it really bothers me that I am and have not being a total "whore" with my own spouse.

 

You know this is interesting. When I was younger and I had sex I would treat the woman like a "china doll." I would try to be delicate and sensual and all that.

 

Then I had a GF that was more in touch with her sexuality. She taught me how to have a balance. So sometimes I would treat her gently and make love...and often I would grab her..throw her on the bed...rip off her clothes...and treat her like the "whore" that she wanted me to treat her like.

 

See maybe your hubby does not know you like this. Maybe he feels it would be disrespectful or something. Why don't you start to model the behavior you want in bed. Tell him to slap your a$s or pull your hair. Tell him to call you a slut or whore...whatever you like. Talk dirty.

 

I found that my wife can do some of these things. It's just hard because she is not confident in this...or maybe I don't make her confident with it.

[Devil Inside]

We CAN do this for our spouses. We just can't do it EVERY time. I have kids, a business, responsibilities. Sex is just NOT going to be powerful and mind-blowing every time we do it. It is VERY satisfying every time, but it isn't going to have that intensity.

 

But you can have that. We do. You just have to plan for it, make time and get your head in the game for it. Going away helps us. But sometimes it's just a Saturday and the kids are in bed and we look at the clock, see that it's only 9:00 p.m. and we know we have a LOT of time to put into it.

 

When you meet for an affair to have sex, it's so different. Expectations are different. There aren't responsibilities, pressures. And yes, you want to please, please please. It's a dynamic made for passion.

 

This is so true.

 

By the end of the day, three jobs, two kids, homework, dinner, soccer practice, washing dishes, and putting kids to bed...it is hard to exactly want to rip each others undergarmets off with your teeth

[Spoiled]

For 22 years I thought I was the one with the issue. And I guess I was. I never opened up to my stbxH like I do with OMM. I never gave myself to him completely. I never let go with him. If I thought it was possible to change that, I wouldn't be getting a divorce. I just think the chemistry and attraction were never there like they should have been. That's what I want - even if things don't work out with OMM. That's what I want in life. If I stayed with my husband I would have been settling for way less and he knew that too.

 

Why did you open up more with your OM? What was different?

 

My H and xAP have many similar qualities. The attraction is different. I knew my xAP found me attractive years ago, he told me and the feeling was mutual. We had a grand opportunity to take it to "that" level and two close opportunities prior to our marriages. We refrained out of respect(then) for our now spouses and never spoke a word of anything for eleven years.

[jennie-jennie]

In my case, no, it could not be replicated with my ex SO.

 

When our relationship started 28 years ago, yes, the sex was mindblowing and hot the first year, only for me to realize that that was because I was in the right place and in the right mood, newly fallen in love as I was. It was the initial high of a relationship, caused by the hormones of love. My ex SO turned out to have a libido not at all compatible with mine. Twice a month was enough for him, with hardly any physical touch in between.

 

My MM and his wife have a similar problem with incompatible libidos. So I don't expect them either to ever be able to replicate the sex MM and I are having.

 

Also I had this kind of amazing sex for 5 years with my first SO. So it is not the affair as such in my case, it is finding a compatible lover who loves sex and me just as much as I love sex and him.

[pkn06002]

We CAN do this for our spouses. We just can't do it EVERY time. I have kids, a business, responsibilities. Sex is just NOT going to be powerful and mind-blowing every time we do it. It is VERY satisfying every time, but it isn't going to have that intensity.

 

But you can have that. We do. You just have to plan for it, make time and get your head in the game for it. Going away helps us. But sometimes it's just a Saturday and the kids are in bed and we look at the clock, see that it's only 9:00 p.m. and we know we have a LOT of time to put into it.

 

When you meet for an affair to have sex, it's so different. Expectations are different. There aren't responsibilities, pressures. And yes, you want to please, please please. It's a dynamic made for passion.

 

I will say you can't, because I don't. Believe me I tried but it takes a partner willing to do what you want them to, to make it happen. If they are not willing no amount of fantasy and wishing will make it happen.

 

I can make my wife respond in the same manor/fashion as my xAP did, but she does not make me feel the same.

Edited October 14, 2009 by pkn06002

[Spoiled]

We CAN do this for our spouses. We just can't do it EVERY time. I have kids, a business, responsibilities. Sex is just NOT going to be powerful and mind-blowing every time we do it. It is VERY satisfying every time, but it isn't going to have that intensity.

 

But you can have that. We do. You just have to plan for it, make time and get your head in the game for it. Going away helps us. But sometimes it's just a Saturday and the kids are in bed and we look at the clock, see that it's only 9:00 p.m. and we know we have a LOT of time to put into it.

 

When you meet for an affair to have sex, it's so different. Expectations are different. There aren't responsibilities, pressures. And yes, you want to please, please please. It's a dynamic made for passion.

 

Thank you. I too am a professional, have children, and many responsibilities. I do not expect sex to be that intense every time, I LOVE quickies.

 

The "pressures" of getting caught were always on our minds.

 

Even we go on vacation without the children or have the time, the intensity is just not present.

[Spoiled]

Thing is though your husband (like my wife) is not a person that does that type of thing. Or worse if they did do it you might consider it odd and just not right because of how they have always acted.

 

 

True, I probably would question whether or not he was having an affair.