WS......SEX with OW/OM? Sex in M, can it get better?

[HisSweetThing]

Why did you open up more with your OM? What was different?

 

My H and xAP have many similar qualities. The attraction is different. I knew my xAP found me attractive years ago, he told me and the feeling was mutual. We had a grand opportunity to take it to "that" level and two close opportunities prior to our marriages. We refrained out of respect(then) for our now spouses and never spoke a word of anything for eleven years.

 

My stbxH and my OMM are both good men, but they have very different physical traits and very different personalities. I always told myself I would never marry a man like my father - because my father had a temper. So one of the reasons I loved my stbxH was because he was relaxed and easy-going. I have known my OMM for 12 years. He is a lot like my father. He has a temper. I have seen it. It has never been directed towards me, but I am under no illusions - if we are together long enough, he will lose his temper with me. A part of me looks forward to that day - not sure why, and a part of me knows it will just break my heart.

 

For me, I think it is as simple as the chemistry and attraction. I never had that with my H. I always loved and respected him, but something was missing. I've known since I met OMM that it would be like that. We both fought the attraction for years. I have never met anyone else and felt that immediate pull towards them. When I am with him, it just feels right. I feel like I am where I belong - like I'm "home". He feels it too. I don't feel like I have to hide any part of myself when I am with him. That is not something that comes easy for me.

 

I don't know if that helps you any. I know you are trying to work things out with your husband and I wish you the best.

[jennie-jennie]

This is so true.

 

By the end of the day, three jobs, two kids, homework, dinner, soccer practice, washing dishes, and putting kids to bed...it is hard to exactly want to rip each others undergarmets off with your teeth

 

This is what I don't get. All these things, kids, job, homework and so on, are in my life even when I have mindblowing sex with my MM. Sorry, DI, but in my world those things are lame excuses.

[HisSweetThing]

This is what I don't get. All these things, kids, job, homework and so on, are in my life even when I have mindblowing sex with my MM. Sorry, DI, but in my world those things are lame excuses.

 

I agree with you JJ. If the attraction is there - if the desire is there - none of those things matter. They are just excuses. Excuses I made for years. I had no idea what I was missing.

[Spoiled]

You know this is interesting. When I was younger and I had sex I would treat the woman like a "china doll." I would try to be delicate and sensual and all that.

 

Then I had a GF that was more in touch with her sexuality. She taught me how to have a balance. So sometimes I would treat her gently and make love...and often I would grab her..throw her on the bed...rip off her clothes...and treat her like the "whore" that she wanted me to treat her like.

 

See maybe your hubby does not know you like this. Maybe he feels it would be disrespectful or something. Why don't you start to model the behavior you want in bed. Tell him to slap your a$s or pull your hair. Tell him to call you a slut or whore...whatever you like. Talk dirty.

 

I found that my wife can do some of these things. It's just hard because she is not confident in this...or maybe I don't make her confident with it.

 

 

My H is very professional and laid back. Rarely curses, a true gentleman. I honestly do not even think he would "slap" or "pull". But sometimes, I need him to be a thug in the bedroom. Makes total sense, my xAP did not initially because he did not want to "disrespect" me and it obviously wasn't normal for him either(for several reasons). I loved that he felt comfortable with me to let it all go. We were amazed to see our naughty sides, we always knew each other as religious, parents, cordial and supportive friends. It was awesome because we both experienced new fantasies together.

[Spoiled]

This is what I don't get. All these things, kids, job, homework and so on, are in my life even when I have mindblowing sex with my MM. Sorry, DI, but in my world those things are lame excuses.

 

I am hyper and rarely get tired. Bad thing, I make excuses even when I am terribly horny.

[Spoiled]

When I am with him, it just feels right. I feel like I am where I belong - like I'm "home". He feels it too. I don't feel like I have to hide any part of myself when I am with him. That is not something that comes easy for me.

 

I don't know if that helps you any. I know you are trying to work things out with your husband and I wish you the best.

 

 

A frequent thought of mine. So no, this statement does not help. Makes me miss him and want to break NC. But, I refuse to falter. Just pray he doesn't falter.

[Devil Inside]

This is what I don't get. All these things, kids, job, homework and so on, are in my life even when I have mindblowing sex with my MM. Sorry, DI, but in my world those things are lame excuses.

 

Yeah..but are the responsibilities in your life with him. See I agree that they are lame excuses for all the time...but some of time...makes sense.

 

Besides it is a theory untested. I never shared these responsibilities with my xAP. Before I did with my W...the sex was a lot better. It is always better when on vacation...or kids are gone. You have to remember my kids are little...it is very labor intensive to raise them.

 

Besides...from what I remember you don't share these kinds of responsibilities with your MM. I mean do you have joint bills, live together, or raise children together..because if not...the theory is untested with you two as well.

[Fallen Angel]

<<< has to quit reading this thread ... (walks away fanning herself)

[jennie-jennie]

Yeah..but are the responsibilities in your life with him. See I agree that they are lame excuses for all the time...but some of time...makes sense.

 

Besides it is a theory untested. I never shared these responsibilities with my xAP. Before I did with my W...the sex was a lot better. It is always better when on vacation...or kids are gone. You have to remember my kids are little...it is very labor intensive to raise them.

 

Besides...from what I remember you don't share these kinds of responsibilities with your MM. I mean do you have joint bills, live together, or raise children together..because if not...the theory is untested with you two as well.

 

Explain to me, DI, because I truly don't understand. Why would the joint responsibiltiy weigh heavier than the responsibility in itself? My children's father lives far away and takes very little responsibility for our kids. My MM shares the responsibility for his children with his wife. During our EMR he says it feels like he has responsibility for two women, two houses, two households, nine kids. I go to him with my troubles, not to my ex. I have more support now than I have ever had, with every tiny detail of my life.

 

I do understand that your kids are smaller, and that takes its toll on the sex life. But you or at least your wife would not be less tired by this whether or not you or she were having sex with someone else. The responsibility is still there.

 

I guess what you might mean is that it is easy to lose sight of the fun stuff among all the responsibility.

Edited October 14, 2009 by jennie-jennie

[Untouchable_Fire]

Explain to me, DI, because I truly don't understand. Why would the joint responsibiltiy weigh heavier than the responsibility in itself?

 

And your answer is.... Expectations.

[Spoiled]

Explain to me, DI, because I truly don't understand. Why would the joint responsibiltiy weigh heavier than the responsibility in itself? My children's father lives far away and takes very little responsibility for our kids. My MM shares the responsibility for his children with his wife. During our EMR he says it feels like he has responsibility for two women, two houses, two households, nine kids. I go to him with my troubles, not to my ex. I have more support now than I have ever had, with every tiny detail of my life.

 

I do understand that your kids are smaller, and that takes its toll on the sex life. But you or at least your wife would not be less tired by this whether or not you or she were having sex with someone else. The responsibility is still there.

 

I guess what you might mean is that it is easy to lose sight of the fun stuff among all the responsibility.

 

It was far more work for me to maintain my A for a year. Coupled with sex at home, taking care of small children, extracurricular activities, church, family, friends, and work. Nobody would ever believe I was having an A. I felt like superwoman some days. We do what we want.

[NowhereToHide]

This is what I don't get. All these things, kids, job, homework and so on, are in my life even when I have mindblowing sex with my MM. Sorry, DI, but in my world those things are lame excuses.

 

 

Did you ever stop to think that you are still not living in "reality" with your married man? It is still an affair, with the deception, the secrecy, the sneaking around. You may be having mind-blowing sex EVERY TIME with him, but you still aren't sharing a life together, no matter how you might try and rationalize it.

 

He is still coming to you to GET AWAY from his stress. It doesn't matter if you "share" your problems with him. He is your relief and he is yours. He is still not 100% yours which adds an entire layer to passion (remember passion can be defined as both good and bad). It's just not the same as being in a stable, committed marriage where everything is a joint responsibility -- the bills, the kids, the dying parents, the homework. And while those are the things that take a toll on a marriage, they are also some of the things that bond a couple together.

 

Quite frankly, I don't need mind-blowing sex every time. Do I want an orgasm every time - you bet. And I get one. But my husband and I are well-suited in that we can please each other, we want each other and we can up the passion when we are both ready for it. To imply that a marriage is "less than" because the people in it aren't having "passionate" sex every night is ridiculous.

[jennie-jennie]

Did you ever stop to think that you are still not living in "reality" with your married man? It is still an affair, with the deception, the secrecy, the sneaking around. You may be having mind-blowing sex EVERY TIME with him, but you still aren't sharing a life together, no matter how you might try and rationalize it.

 

He is still coming to you to GET AWAY from his stress. It doesn't matter if you "share" your problems with him. He is your relief and he is yours. He is still not 100% yours which adds an entire layer to passion (remember passion can be defined as both good and bad). It's just not the same as being in a stable, committed marriage where everything is a joint responsibility -- the bills, the kids, the dying parents, the homework. And while those are the things that take a toll on a marriage, they are also some of the things that bond a couple together.

 

Quite frankly, I don't need mind-blowing sex every time. Do I want an orgasm every time - you bet. And I get one. But my husband and I are well-suited in that we can please each other, we want each other and we can up the passion when we are both ready for it. To imply that a marriage is "less than" because the people in it aren't having "passionate" sex every night is ridiculous.

 

That is why I bring up my two long term relationships with SOs. They were completely different. I was the same person however. So how do you explain that my relationship with my first SO was as intensive and wonderful as my EMR? While my relationship with my second SO was not?

 

I always knew that if I once again would find the right partner I could get back the intensity of my first relationship. It happened to be a MM.

 

Also, I do not sneak around, I do not decieve, I do not keep our relationship secret. Everybody in my life knows the score. He does these things, but I do not.

 

Good for you if your marriage is working out. I just feel sorry for all the people who like I once was, are trapped with the wrong partner. I loved him, and still do, but we were incompatible in so many ways.

Edited October 14, 2009 by jennie-jennie

[jennie-jennie]

NowhereToHide, I see you were in a 3 month long affair. Our EMR has lasted for four years. We are in a long term relationship. A lot of stuff happens during four years. The relationship evolves. The initial excitement of the first year disappears. In many ways it becomes like any other long term relationship where you are not living together. Would you tell them too that they are not living in reality because they are not sharing bills?

[NowhereToHide]

NowhereToHide, I see you were in a 3 month long affair. Our EMR has lasted for four years. We are in a long term relationship. A lot of stuff happens during four years. The relationship evolves. The initial excitement of the first year disappears. In many ways it becomes like any other long term relationship where you are not living together. Would you tell them too that they are not living in reality because they are not sharing bills?

 

No... I get that you are having a longer term affair. There's been a lot posted about that on here... The OW that have been with their MMs for years are definitely living with more "reality" than I certainly had in my 3 months. And I don't discount at all that you have a much more "normalized" relationship with your MM than most.

 

I guess what I was wanting you to consider is that, even though you feel it is reality, you still represent some escape to him. While it may feel pretty close to a marriage, it still isn't. Is that contributing to your happy sex life? Maybe. At the end of the day, you are probably really compatible, regardless if you were married or not.

 

I'm also trying to dispel this myth that seems to be going around these boards that just because we married folk aren't staring into each other eyes while climaxing every night, that we don't have satisfying sex lives. You made the statement to DI that the kids, the homework, the practices, the bills, etc. are a convenient excuse for not having passion. I just don't agree that it's an excuse. Some of us have passion and mind-blowing sex, we just don't need to have it every single time we do it. As long as BOTH partners are satisfied, then it's all good.

[jennie-jennie]

Agreed.

 

But remember that while my MM might feel it is an escape to be with me (he has never expressed this), he has most certainly expressed that having two relationships adds stress and pressure to his life. And to mine.

[HisSweetThing]

Agreed.

 

But remember that while my MM might feel it is an escape to be with me (he has never expressed this), he has most certainly expressed that having two relationships adds stress and pressure to his life. And to mine.

 

My OMM has said this too. He feels pressure because he feels like he has a responsiblity to take care of both of us. And he loves my kids like they are his own. More pressure.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

so suddenly i find myself thinking about the sex with the MM. (im not having sex with EITHER of them right now). but any thoughts of why i might be focusing on this at the moment? theres so much going on that this should be the last thing that i think of.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I don't usually post in this forum, however this may help someone... so I will actually try to say something intelligent this time.

 

When we have a relationship with someone, our expectations of that relationship create rules and boundaries of perception. Thus in an affair, you have the expectation of passion which in turn provides your AP with the permission to BE passionate and moves your perception of events in that direction.

 

Marriages and long term relationships carry their own baggage, which moves expectations in a different direction becoming much broader. Without even knowing it sometimes your SO even loses your permission to make you feel passionate.

[Devil Inside]

Explain to me, DI, because I truly don't understand. Why would the joint responsibiltiy weigh heavier than the responsibility in itself? My children's father lives far away and takes very little responsibility for our kids. My MM shares the responsibility for his children with his wife. During our EMR he says it feels like he has responsibility for two women, two houses, two households, nine kids. I go to him with my troubles, not to my ex. I have more support now than I have ever had, with every tiny detail of my life.

 

I do understand that your kids are smaller, and that takes its toll on the sex life. But you or at least your wife would not be less tired by this whether or not you or she were having sex with someone else. The responsibility is still there.

 

I guess what you might mean is that it is easy to lose sight of the fun stuff among all the responsibility.

 

What was I trying to say? Sometimes even I don't know.

 

I guess it's this. When you have the joint responsibility of raising your children together. Pay your bills together. Take care of the home you share together. Then your roles as partners change. Before moving in together and having kids your roles as partners are to make each other happy, support one another, have great sex. So when these new roles come along...the other ones are still there..but they have to share the spotlight with these new roles.

 

Now where I see your experiences coming in is here. In a partnership where both people have a higher libido...their will be more effort given to ensuring that the role of sexual partners is not pushed to the back burner. With all these new roles it takes a lot of extra organization, energy, and creativity to keep this role alive and kicking. So maybe this is where we really find out about our partner's libido...when we have new roles to juggle.

 

In my marriage it is obvious to me...I am more invested in the role of sexual partner than is my wife. This is not good. It also makes me wonder. If I were to have new roles with my xAP...what would things look like then. Would this woman that has sex with me three times a day in every which way we want disappear. I don't know...it is untested.

 

It also brings up something else. Maybe if I help out more in the other roles we have (like take the kids more, clean more, etc...) that may free her up to put more energy into her role as sexual partner. Although I have to tell you...I give a lot to all my roles as it is.

[Spoiled]

What was I trying to say? Sometimes even I don't know.

 

I guess it's this. When you have the joint responsibility of raising your children together. Pay your bills together. Take care of the home you share together. Then your roles as partners change. Before moving in together and having kids your roles as partners are to make each other happy, support one another, have great sex. So when these new roles come along...the other ones are still there..but they have to share the spotlight with these new roles.

 

Now where I see your experiences coming in is here. In a partnership where both people have a higher libido...their will be more effort given to ensuring that the role of sexual partners is not pushed to the back burner. With all these new roles it takes a lot of extra organization, energy, and creativity to keep this role alive and kicking. So maybe this is where we really find out about our partner's libido...when we have new roles to juggle.

 

In my marriage it is obvious to me...I am more invested in the role of sexual partner than is my wife. This is not good. It also makes me wonder. If I were to have new roles with my xAP...what would things look like then. Would this woman that has sex with me three times a day in every which way we want disappear. I don't know...it is untested.

 

It also brings up something else. Maybe if I help out more in the other roles we have (like take the kids more, clean more, etc...) that may free her up to put more energy into her role as sexual partner. Although I have to tell you...I give a lot to all my roles as it is.

 

Damn I miss that.................There were many nights in which I had worked, been to the gym, cooked dinner, played and cared for my children, and wished my xAP was in my home to make love to me. My H could cook, take care of the children, and more but if I did not feel it, I did not want it. I believe my H and I always had something missing emotionally and my assumption may be that my H is very private. Deals with his issues alone and rarely asks "what do you think?" even when it related to both of us. I felt more of an emotional connection with my xAP probably because he emotionally opened up to me. He expressed his fears and desires with me. He asked for my opinions and suggestions which made me feel admired and respected.

 

My H and I dated long distance the entire year before our marriage. He traveled often with work and we waited several years before starting a family. Not one time did we ever stay in bed all day and have sex "three times." This is what I do not understand. I do not hear many say that this was once present, yet lessened in their R. I have two single female friends who have recently shared these experiences with their partners and I was stunned. One replied, "You NEVER did that before."

[jennie-jennie]

I do not hear many say that this was once present, yet lessened in their R. I have two single female friends who have recently shared these experiences with their partners and I was stunned. One replied, "You NEVER did that before."

 

Spoiled, could you elaborate on this? I get confoused about what you are saying. Very interesting subject though.

 

Thanks, DI, for explaining. I hope it works out for you.

[Spoiled]

Spoiled, could you elaborate on this? I get confoused about what you are saying. Very interesting subject though.

 

Thanks, DI, for explaining. I hope it works out for you.

 

 

I never experienced "mind blowing" sex or spent an entire day in bed with my H or any other man prior to my A. I consistently read posters stating how the newness and excitement of the A is what makes the sex so great. And it seems they have experienced that type of sexual experience before with others and/or the BS. I NEVER had such an experience. Yet, several of my single female friends have with more than one partner before. My EA was slightly more intense than what I had experienced before but the sex was far more intense. I don't know JJ, I'm confused.

[HisSweetThing]

I never experienced "mind blowing" sex or spent an entire day in bed with my H or any other man prior to my A. I consistently read posters stating how the newness and excitement of the A is what makes the sex so great. And it seems they have experienced that type of sexual experience before with others and/or the BS. I NEVER had such an experience. Yet, several of my single female friends have with more than one partner before. My EA was slightly more intense than what I had experienced before but the sex was far more intense. I don't know JJ, I'm confused.

 

I understand what you're saying. I NEVER had that kind of sex before either. I don't think it's the affair though. I think it's the chemistry. The chemistry was never there between my stbxH and myself. The chemistry I have with OMM is the kind that will be there forever. It has always been there - in the 12 years that I have known him - and we've been in the affair for a year now. That's what I want as a part of my life on a regular basis. That's why I can't give up on him yet. I don't know if I could ever find that connection and passion again with anyone else.

[Devil Inside]

I understand what you're saying. I NEVER had that kind of sex before either. I don't think it's the affair though. I think it's the chemistry. The chemistry was never there between my stbxH and myself. The chemistry I have with OMM is the kind that will be there forever. It has always been there - in the 12 years that I have known him - and we've been in the affair for a year now. That's what I want as a part of my life on a regular basis. That's why I can't give up on him yet. I don't know if I could ever find that connection and passion again with anyone else.

 

This is interesting. I used to feel the same. However, I know I could have great chemistry with someone else...exactly the same...well maybe not...but maybe even better...I mean where ever I go, there I am...I think I have a certain intensity as a lover that has more than one match in this world...I just wish my wife was one of them.