WS......SEX with OW/OM? Sex in M, can it get better?

[HisSweetThing]

This is interesting. I used to feel the same. However, I know I could have great chemistry with someone else...exactly the same...well maybe not...but maybe even better...I mean where ever I go, there I am...I think I have a certain intensity as a lover that has more than one match in this world...I just wish my wife was one of them.

 

I'm glad that you think this way - that you can have another relationship with such intensity and passion. I wish you had that with your wife. This is what keeps me stuck in my affair. I have never felt it before - ever! I am not remotely attracted to even one other person that I know. It's not like OMM is all that. Some women would probably not understand what I see in him. It has no logical explanation to me. It just is what it is. And it is amazing!

[jennie-jennie]

DI and HST, how I recognize myself in what you are saying! I spent 25 years in a low-sex relationship. I knew if I just found the right partner again, the intensity I had felt in my prior relationship would be back. My exSO would often put the blame on me, but I just knew I could find it again with someone else. What a sensation when this proved to be true with MM!

 

And HST, my MM is not all that either. Yet I desire him so. The chemistry is there, and like White Flower has said: True chemistry is hard to find, if you do find it hold on to it! (Hope I am quoting her correctly.)

Edited October 16, 2009 by jennie-jennie

[Spoiled]

I'm glad that you think this way - that you can have another relationship with such intensity and passion. I wish you had that with your wife. This is what keeps me stuck in my affair. I have never felt it before - ever! I am not remotely attracted to even one other person that I know. It's not like OMM is all that. Some women would probably not understand what I see in him. It has no logical explanation to me. It just is what it is. And it is amazing!

 

 

Same here, never felt such intensity. It upsets me because I felt some intensity toward my xAP twelve years ago before we were both M. We did not act upon it because we thought it was probably just lust, we were engaged to our spouses at the time. Of course many times I regret not acting upon the attraction long ago.

[Fallen Angel]

This is what keeps me stuck in my affair. I have never felt it before - ever! I am not remotely attracted to even one other person that I know. It's not like OMM is all that. Some women would probably not understand what I see in him. It has no logical explanation to me. It just is what it is. And it is amazing!

 

That is EXACTLY how I feel about My Mm.

 

I have a friend that asked me 'what is it, that is so special about him?'

 

Apparently she doesn't see what I see when I look at him. His soft hair, his AMAZING smile, and his eyes, big brown eyes that when I look into them, I see him looking at me like I am the most beautiful thing he has ever seen, and I just want to fall into them and stay there forever. *sigh*

 

I can't explain it, because even though I see that when I look at him, if I saw him just walking down the street and didn't know his SOUL, I would think, 'he's cute and has a great smile' but I wouldn't imagine that he would be the one that would feel like my everything.

[Jaspe_Loco]

My MOW and I didn't have sex until we had been together for 2 1/2 years. Sex is not a priority with us and often, when we have significant time together, we spend it talking, sitting at the park, etc.

 

When we do have sex, we rarely have much time and it adds pressure to the situation. I've tended to be more goal oriented where she is concerned and I often don't orgasm, which frustrates her.

 

Don't get me wrong, there is such a deep emotional connection between us when we make love, unlike any either of us had with anyone else.... it's just that we enjoy a deep emotional connection is just about whatever we do so sex is not a priority with us.

[Samantha0905]

When did you meet your husband (OP)? I mean how old were you? I met my husband when I was 14 and he was 15. We married when I was 21 and waited until marriage (his choice) to have sex the first time. When we did, I thought "Hmmmm" and that was about it. I just never was bowled over. I thought for the longest time something was wrong with me in that maybe I just didn't like sex because as time went on, I enjoyed it less and less. When I had my affair, I discovered I indeed do like sex very much. It was certainly the best sex I have ever had.

 

I realize, of course, sex in an affair is exciting, new, forbidden, etc. and perhaps that's what causes some of the enjoyment. I just know I liked it a lot.

 

My theory is perhaps my husband and I met so young we did not start our sexual relationship in the way many adult sexual relationships start. I don't know if that even makes sense. I do think meeting him at such a young age and waiting until getting married to have sex are a couple of areas in which the problem lies. To this day in our relationship there are problems in this area. There is definitely a lack of the type of inhibition that was there while having sex with the affair partner. I'm not quite sure why.

 

What's odd is that as a person, I like my husband much more. He's handsome, successful, kind, has integrity, etc.

[wheelwright]

I've only had good sex with my H and my MM. With my H it was comfortable and passionate at the same time. It was nice. And then it died overnight. Not the physical passion. We know each other too well. But the emotional connection. I don't know why!

 

Then came MM and it was a blissful, ecstatic experience unlike anything either of us had known. I know it was not like this because of extra passion due to secrecy etc. (I have experienced that too.)

 

I can enjoy sex with my H now (NC with MM 4 months) but I wake up in the morning feeling confused and guilty. Not sure if I feel I have betrayed myself or my MM. Ridiculous really!

[Spoiled]

When did you meet your husband (OP)? I mean how old were you? I met my husband when I was 14 and he was 15. We married when I was 21 and waited until marriage (his choice) to have sex the first time. When we did, I thought "Hmmmm" and that was about it. I just never was bowled over. I thought for the longest time something was wrong with me in that maybe I just didn't like sex because as time went on, I enjoyed it less and less. When I had my affair, I discovered I indeed do like sex very much. It was certainly the best sex I have ever had.

 

I realize, of course, sex in an affair is exciting, new, forbidden, etc. and perhaps that's what causes some of the enjoyment. I just know I liked it a lot.

 

My theory is perhaps my husband and I met so young we did not start our sexual relationship in the way many adult sexual relationships start. I don't know if that even makes sense. I do think meeting him at such a young age and waiting until getting married to have sex are a couple of areas in which the problem lies. To this day in our relationship there are problems in this area. There is definitely a lack of the type of inhibition that was there while having sex with the affair partner. I'm not quite sure why.

 

What's odd is that as a person, I like my husband much more. He's handsome, successful, kind, has integrity, etc.

 

When did you meet your husband (OP)? I mean how old were you? I met my husband when I was 14 and he was 15. We married when I was 21 and waited until marriage (his choice) to have sex the first time. When we did, I thought "Hmmmm" and that was about it. I just never was bowled over. I thought for the longest time something was wrong with me in that maybe I just didn't like sex because as time went on, I enjoyed it less and less. When I had my affair, I discovered I indeed do like sex very much. It was certainly the best sex I have ever had.

 

I realize, of course, sex in an affair is exciting, new, forbidden, etc. and perhaps that's what causes some of the enjoyment. I just know I liked it a lot.

 

My theory is perhaps my husband and I met so young we did not start our sexual relationship in the way many adult sexual relationships start. I don't know if that even makes sense. I do think meeting him at such a young age and waiting until getting married to have sex are a couple of areas in which the problem lies. To this day in our relationship there are problems in this area. There is definitely a lack of the type of inhibition that was there while having sex with the affair partner. I'm not quite sure why.

 

What's odd is that as a person, I like my husband much more. He's handsome, successful, kind, has integrity, etc.

 

Hi Samantha, I have been enjoying your recent posts on other threads and would appreciate any advice from you.

 

I had some sexual experience prior to meeting my H or AP but never "experimented" much. Had four serious R but none of those men really turned me on. Do not get me wrong, I was sexually fulfilled but never had the desire to truly fulfill them. Somewhat one sided. Therefore, when I met my H and our R became sexual, it was nothing new for me not to be extremely excited about sex.

 

I grew up in a religious home and the topic of sex was taboo. I highly focused on attributes such as professionalism, compassionate, respectful, kind, honesty, and whether or not he was a God-fearing man. Sex was okay and tolerable, never anything amazing for me. What frightened me was that I met my xAP prior to both of us getting M yet we were in R with our current spouses. I saw all of the qualities in him that my H possessed, yet he was more attractive to me, but again, attraction is not everything. And the same for my xAP, he commented that his SO and I had much in common and suggested a double date. We all became friends, this was 12+ years ago. We later moved to separate cities and visited/slept in each others' homes, made special efforts to attend parties, and much more.

 

So, I am having a very difficult time believing that our A was all fantasy and we that we did not have genuine and loving emotions for one another. I never placed him on a pedestal or felt he was better than my H. I have seen throughout the years characteristics about him that annoyed me and never deemed him perfect. I also have a difficult time believing that my xAP consistently lied to like so many MM. His W and I were in consistent contact. She often confirmed MANY things he would tell me, knowing we were friends, he knew he had to be as honest as possible with me. If you could imagine the expressions on my face whenever I received an email, call, or text from her.

 

My xAP and I mostly had an EA, consistent and daily communication for a year. Five months being after d-day. We may have seen each other 15-20 times during the A. And trust me, the two times sexual encounters were extremely awkard, we were uncomfortable. We knew we were sinning, we knew there was the possibility of hurting our spouses and children who we love, and we struggled throughout the A with exteme guilt and shame. Yet, we continued.

 

Surprisingly, my xAP's W unknowingly validated a few things to me when we spoke after d-day. Most difficult conversation I have ever had with a friend. She was extremely hurt, from phone records, etc., she knew we had a close R. And mentioned how private he was with his personal life. Yet, he was so open with me, even years ago. She mentioned several aspects of their life to me that I had known for years. My xAP and I always had a special R, but never thought this would have occured.

 

Almost three months ago, I decided to initiate NC. I have small children and wanted to try and reconcile my M. So far things are better and deep in my heart, I feel as if I made the right choice. But I hurt so much.

[Spoiled]

I've only had good sex with my H and my MM. With my H it was comfortable and passionate at the same time. It was nice. And then it died overnight. Not the physical passion. We know each other too well. But the emotional connection. I don't know why!

 

Then came MM and it was a blissful, ecstatic experience unlike anything either of us had known. I know it was not like this because of extra passion due to secrecy etc. (I have experienced that too.)

 

I can enjoy sex with my H now (NC with MM 4 months) but I wake up in the morning feeling confused and guilty. Not sure if I feel I have betrayed myself or my MM. Ridiculous really!

 

 

NC with MM almost 3 months.

 

For so long, I wanted my H to be more open with me. Talk to me about his feelings, desires, and fears. I think that is why my xAP and I were always close and part of the reason there was the attraction toward him long ago.

For me(outside of LS), I am private, and only open to those who I admire, trust, and respect.

 

Interesting statement above. My first true love and I ended our R because of my family. He had the qualities and there was the attraction. Long story short, rumors and drama from others is what ruined our R. I dated plenty of men afterward and had serious R with men who were CRAZY about me. Yet the feeling was not mutual. Met my H and fell in love, similar qualities but the attraction was okay. I rarely brought men home to meet my parents. They met my H a month before I met my xAP and they knew we were serious. What kept me from pursuing my xAP years ago, worried about what parents had to say, what if R with xAP did not work, or what if they did not approve of him as much. So many concerns about making everyone else happy. Fastforward 12 years later, ending A because I really want to improve my M. Yet, deep down wondering did I end it to please my spouse, his W, my parents, my church, our friends? Not sure, it is a constant struggle some days. But I am praying for God's guidance.

[Samantha0905]

Hi Samantha, I have been enjoying your recent posts on other threads and would appreciate any advice from you.

 

I had some sexual experience prior to meeting my H or AP but never "experimented" much. Had four serious R but none of those men really turned me on. Do not get me wrong, I was sexually fulfilled but never had the desire to truly fulfill them. Somewhat one sided. Therefore, when I met my H and our R became sexual, it was nothing new for me not to be extremely excited about sex.

 

I grew up in a religious home and the topic of sex was taboo. I highly focused on attributes such as professionalism, compassionate, respectful, kind, honesty, and whether or not he was a God-fearing man. Sex was okay and tolerable, never anything amazing for me. What frightened me was that I met my xAP prior to both of us getting M yet we were in R with our current spouses. I saw all of the qualities in him that my H possessed, yet he was more attractive to me, but again, attraction is not everything. And the same for my xAP, he commented that his SO and I had much in common and suggested a double date. We all became friends, this was 12+ years ago. We later moved to separate cities and visited/slept in each others' homes, made special efforts to attend parties, and much more.

 

So, I am having a very difficult time believing that our A was all fantasy and we that we did not have genuine and loving emotions for one another. I never placed him on a pedestal or felt he was better than my H. I have seen throughout the years characteristics about him that annoyed me and never deemed him perfect. I also have a difficult time believing that my xAP consistently lied to like so many MM. His W and I were in consistent contact. She often confirmed MANY things he would tell me, knowing we were friends, he knew he had to be as honest as possible with me. If you could imagine the expressions on my face whenever I received an email, call, or text from her.

 

My xAP and I mostly had an EA, consistent and daily communication for a year. Five months being after d-day. We may have seen each other 15-20 times during the A. And trust me, the two times sexual encounters were extremely awkard, we were uncomfortable. We knew we were sinning, we knew there was the possibility of hurting our spouses and children who we love, and we struggled throughout the A with exteme guilt and shame. Yet, we continued.

 

Surprisingly, my xAP's W unknowingly validated a few things to me when we spoke after d-day. Most difficult conversation I have ever had with a friend. She was extremely hurt, from phone records, etc., she knew we had a close R. And mentioned how private he was with his personal life. Yet, he was so open with me, even years ago. She mentioned several aspects of their life to me that I had known for years. My xAP and I always had a special R, but never thought this would have occured.

 

Almost three months ago, I decided to initiate NC. I have small children and wanted to try and reconcile my M. So far things are better and deep in my heart, I feel as if I made the right choice. But I hurt so much.

 

Thanks.

 

I did not grow up in a super religious home. My parents were Christians, but there were 14 kids and we just didn't all get dressed on Sunday mornings and head to church. I attended VBS a lot. My parents were probably happy to send us off to VBS to get a break. My husband, however, grew up in a pretty darn conservative Southern Baptist family and I'm sure his roots were what influenced him in wanting to wait until we married to have sex. I did start going to church on my own at a pretty young age -- 14.

 

I know it must be odd for you having been in a relationship with someone and also being close to their family. I can imagine the guilt involved in that.

 

I know you hurt, but it probably really is a good thing you are trying to work on your relationship -- especially if there are small children involved. My children are grown (19 and 25) and I still considered them in my decision to work on my marriage. It matters. Our actions would effect lives over generations if we chose to move on with the AP, leaving our marriages. My children are still my children and I want them to have an intact home to come visit for the holidays, etc. I want my children's children to have grandparents who are still together they can visit. I had to take all of that into consideration. Plus, my husband is a good man and deserves a devoted wife. He promised until death do us part, as did I.

 

I mentioned this on another thread, but I'm reading "The Dance of the Dissident Daughter." I think you may find it interesting. It isn't about affairs -- it's about women who have grown up in a very conservative/patriarchal religious environment. Now, I'm not a flag waving feminist or anything -- -- and at times Sue Monk Kidd (author) sounds a bit like that, but if you can overlook that (if you want to) and focus on the message, she says some interesting things about what women go through finding themselves. I think her main point is to help women to understand themselves and why they think the way they do and what has shaped them. She is exhorting women to come to terms with themselves and realize in many ways they have been minimized. This causes them not to own their own feelings, but to deny their right to have them.

 

Anyway -- I hate self-help books and usually read fiction or historical fact. I don't think this is really a self-help book, but it is something I wouldn't have normally picked up to read. My sister suggested it and so far I am relating. It's helping me to understand what's going on with me.

 

And I'm sure your relationship with ex-AP was not all fantasy and your feelings are genuine. It's a difficult situation and I'm sorry you are going through it.

[Spoiled]

Thanks.

 

I did not grow up in a super religious home. My parents were Christians, but there were 14 kids and we just didn't all get dressed on Sunday mornings and head to church. I attended VBS a lot. My parents were probably happy to send us off to VBS to get a break. My husband, however, grew up in a pretty darn conservative Southern Baptist family and I'm sure his roots were what influenced him in wanting to wait until we married to have sex. I did start going to church on my own at a pretty young age -- 14.

 

I know it must be odd for you having been in a relationship with someone and also being close to their family. I can imagine the guilt involved in that.

I know you hurt, but it probably really is a good thing you are trying to work on your relationship -- especially if there are small children involved. My children are grown (19 and 25) and I still considered them in my decision to work on my marriage. It matters. Our actions would effect lives over generations if we chose to move on with the AP, leaving our marriages. My children are still my children and I want them to have an intact home to come visit for the holidays, etc. I want my children's children to have grandparents who are still together they can visit. I had to take all of that into consideration. Plus, my husband is a good man and deserves a devoted wife. He promised until death do us part, as did I.

 

I mentioned this on another thread, but I'm reading "The Dance of the Dissident Daughter." I think you may find it interesting. It isn't about affairs -- it's about women who have grown up in a very conservative/patriarchal religious environment. Now, I'm not a flag waving feminist or anything -- -- and at times Sue Monk Kidd (author) sounds a bit like that, but if you can overlook that (if you want to) and focus on the message, she says some interesting things about what women go through finding themselves. I think her main point is to help women to understand themselves and why they think the way they do and what has shaped them. She is exhorting women to come to terms with themselves and realize in many ways they have been minimized. This causes them not to own their own feelings, but to deny their right to have them.

 

Anyway -- I hate self-help books and usually read fiction or historical fact. I don't think this is really a self-help book, but it is something I wouldn't have normally picked up to read. My sister suggested it and so far I am relating. It's helping me to understand what's going on with me.

 

And I'm sure your relationship with ex-AP was not all fantasy and your feelings are genuine. It's a difficult situation and I'm sorry you are going through it.

 

Thank you Samantha. I have much guilt and grieve not only the loss of my R with xAP, but also his W's friendship, his friendship, and the friendships of our children. I have constant reminders and memories of them. Due to their congrats and signatures on b-day and birth mementos. Of course my family is not aware of the situation and periodically question about them.

 

Like you, my H is a good man. He went through a state of depression, we were not aware, and we just did not handle the situation appropriately. He has been understanding and very patient through all of this while enduring his hurt. His kindness and love toward me have only made me feel even more guilty. I just do not want to feel like this a year or two from now and not giving myself totally to my H.

 

Ultimately, my choice was best. My xAP and I both have two children under the age of six. Our families would definitely be affected in many ways. His W is not in the best of health and unable to work, his children would most likely resent him for leaving them and their mother. My H and I made our plans for the future from day 1 and have been very successful at working toward our goals. Every thing we worked so hard for would be ruined(our dream home, college funds for our children, our plans for retirement, and more).

 

Thanks for the book suggestion. I will check it out during one of my frequent trips to the bookstore.

[2.50 a gallon]

For most of my life I was a confirmed bachelor, in short a player. I was not interested in LTR's and had only a few in my life.

 

Along the way I did have relations with a few MW, and I did target the newly divorced. Several times I was only the second man they had ever been with. The one constant theme was that sexually these women were more open with me, especially in trying something new such as oral. Another example, was a woman who had been married 5 years, was still shy with her H when it came to nudity. She had never had sex in the daylight and always in the dark with the lights out. All if these ladies were sexual dynamos with me, and basically prudes with their H. Their excuse was they didn't want to have their H think that they were whorish.

 

I finally did try marriage, we were together over 2 years before finally taking our vows. The pre-marriage sex was awesome, any place, any where, any time, including public sex. After marriage, she turned into the Virgin Mary, and the only place we ever had sex was in bed. No more lingere, etc. As she put it she was now a married lady and married ladies do not do those kinds of things.

[Spoiled]

For most of my life I was a confirmed bachelor, in short a player. I was not interested in LTR's and had only a few in my life.

 

Along the way I did have relations with a few MW, and I did target the newly divorced. Several times I was only the second man they had ever been with. The one constant theme was that sexually these women were more open with me, especially in trying something new such as oral. Another example, was a woman who had been married 5 years, was still shy with her H when it came to nudity. She had never had sex in the daylight and always in the dark with the lights out. All if these ladies were sexual dynamos with me, and basically prudes with their H. Their excuse was they didn't want to have their H think that they were whorish.

 

I finally did try marriage, we were together over 2 years before finally taking our vows. The pre-marriage sex was awesome, any place, any where, any time, including public sex. After marriage, she turned into the Virgin Mary, and the only place we ever had sex was in bed. No more lingere, etc. As she put it she was now a married lady and married ladies do not do those kinds of things.

 

During my premarital days, I refused to perform oral and worried about being "whorish." Started watching porn at the age of 12 and and planned to perform many sexual acts ONLY with my H. I thought M would bring it out of me, not realizing how important physical attraction would contribute to me becoming desired freak.

 

I looked forward to getting M in order to stop being a "prude." Truly desired to have a M in which my ladylike status was maintained in public yet my H was proud to have a "whore" at home. In my situation, pre-marital sex was NOT awesome and then change. I buy new lingerie frequently and always felt confident about my sexiness. I have a high sex drive and prefer sex in the daytime. I attempted to experiment with my H but for certain reasons I was either uncomfortable and the "spark" of attraction just wasn't present.

 

So yes, I experimented with my xAP just as much as I did with my H but it was far more enjoyable, exciting, and satisfying.

 

What did you do about your situation????

[2.50 a gallon]

Lingere. One of the things she did to rope me in was on our first Christmas tree decorating, was to come out in this new black outfit, heels and stockings, pour me a drink, offer me a cigar, and told me to sit back and enjoy while she decorated the tree. OH WOW, I got a winner here. After the vows it was flannel PJ's

 

On our six month anniversary I caught her embracing a co-worker. I kicked her out and to me the marriage was over at that point. I went back to my old ways. She tried to reconcile over the next 4 - 5 years, and finally gave up and divorced me about 5 years later. I never married again.

 

Sorry to read of you and your H's situation. But I know what you mean. I was once in an R that had possibilties of leading to M, very attractive sexually, she tried her best but there was just something missing, the passion wasn't there for either of us and I broke it off when another lady entered my life. She was not nearly as attractive, but oh the passion was off the scale

[Spoiled]

Lingere. One of the things she did to rope me in was on our first Christmas tree decorating, was to come out in this new black outfit, heels and stockings, pour me a drink, offer me a cigar, and told me to sit back and enjoy while she decorated the tree. OH WOW, I got a winner here. After the vows it was flannel PJ's

 

On our six month anniversary I caught her embracing a co-worker. I kicked her out and to me the marriage was over at that point. I went back to my old ways. She tried to reconcile over the next 4 - 5 years, and finally gave up and divorced me about 5 years later. I never married again.

 

Sorry to read of you and your H's situation. But I know what you mean. I was once in an R that had possibilties of leading to M, very attractive sexually, she tried her best but there was just something missing, the passion wasn't there for either of us and I broke it off when another lady entered my life. She was not nearly as attractive, but oh the passion was off the scale

 

Besides the later discovery of your W and her co-worker, why the change from lingerie to flannels? At least you knew the "passion wasn't there" in the other R. I had never felt that and struggling with whether or not I'll ever discover that passion in my M. Some days I have great hope while other days I feel negative about my situation.

[Samantha0905]

Besides the later discovery of your W and her co-worker, why the change from lingerie to flannels? At least you knew the "passion wasn't there" in the other R. I had never felt that and struggling with whether or not I'll ever discover that passion in my M. Some days I have great hope while other days I feel negative about my situation.

 

I feel downright dismal about the hopes of that ever being a part of my marriage. I wonder if one can even create passion when it's not been there over a 28 year marriage? It makes me angry for a number of reasons. The main reason is I would love to have that with my spouse and think not having it is what led me to screw up and have an affair. The other reason it makes me angry is because I miss it with my ex-AP a lot. I feel by letting my ex-AP go, I am moving forward knowing I will be in a marriage that lacks sexual passion and attraction and I wish I knew how to make it be there.

 

I'm glad you are having some days of great hope.

[jennie-jennie]

I feel downright dismal about the hopes of that ever being a part of my marriage. I wonder if one can even create passion when it's not been there over a 28 year marriage? It makes me angry for a number of reasons. The main reason is I would love to have that with my spouse and think not having it is what led me to screw up and have an affair. The other reason it makes me angry is because I miss it with my ex-AP a lot. I feel by letting my ex-AP go, I am moving forward knowing I will be in a marriage that lacks sexual passion and attraction and I wish I knew how to make it be there.

 

I'm glad you are having some days of great hope.

 

This is what I can't get my head around. Why stay in a sexless marriage when you have an AP with whom you have passion? I would leave that marriage ASAP. And in fact, that is exactly what I did.

[Spoiled]

This is what I can't get my head around. Why stay in a sexless marriage when you have an AP with whom you have passion? I would leave that marriage ASAP. And in fact, that is exactly what I did.

 

Most days I feel very confident about my decision to work on my M. Then some days I feel like I should leave but am afraid for various reasons. Yet I do not want to be like many couples I know who are just married to be married and truly not fulfilled. Looking ahead, a M with step children, child support, visitations, blah blah blah sounds so far worse than my current situation.

 

After d-day, deep down I probably wanted my H to let go of me. I asked him twice if he wanted me to leave but each time he firmly stated "no." It has been 8 months since d-day and about 3 months of NC and I seem to be getting worse. I barely work, I do not contact friends, and I am struggling with my spirituality. Trying to finish projects but exercising is the only thing right now I even desire. I miss my xAP, I go jog. When sad, I go to the gym. Contemplated breaking NC daily last week but stayed strong. Looking forward to IC this week.

[Samantha0905]

This is what I can't get my head around. Why stay in a sexless marriage when you have an AP with whom you have passion? I would leave that marriage ASAP. And in fact, that is exactly what I did.

 

I know there will be counterpoints to my points, but for me it just seems too selfish. Now I'm talking me here -- not you. We all know ourselves best and there's no judgment from me for what others decide is best for them.

 

In my reasoning, it isn't just about me. It's about my daughter and her future grandchildren. It's about my son. It's about my own siblings who come over every year for Thanksgiving and who have known us as a couple since we were adolescents. It's about my husband and his future happiness. It's about his parents and siblings. It changes life dynamics for so many people besides me.

 

Affairs are selfish and deceitful and I don't think there's any argument around it.

 

Also, when I say there is no passion I don't mean there is no love or no passion about things besides sex. I met my husband when I was 14 and there is a lot of history and a lot of love there. He is the person who I know without a doubt would be by my side if I were to get cancer or something. He will be there for me through good times and bad. If he were to get sick or anything, I know I would want to be by his side and not want someone else to be there. We do things together -- go to football games, movies, golf, etc. He sends me flowers. He holds the doors for me. He's a good father. Obviously, not listing in order of importance here.

 

Oh -- and I didn't mean the marriage was sexless. We have sex every Saturday night on "date night" at about 11:00 when I'm at the house. (I've been in an apartment since June.) Yes, it's that predictable. In fairness to him, I initiated with my ex-AP. I was more spontaneous with him. The issue is in doing this with my husband as I just don't have that fire for him. I've read repeatedly it's comparing apples and oranges, but I don't remember ever feeling that passion about actual intercourse with my husband. I loved kissing him in high school and do remember us getting all hot and bothered then. This was when I was 14, 15 and 16 years old. It was his idea to wait until we married (when I was 21) to have sex and once it happened, it just wasn't that great to me. I went forever thinking I didn't like sex, but eventually figured out that really wasn't the problem. My ex-AP confirmed that.

 

Now, I am thinking back and the way things are are probably due to both of us. He always wanted sex -- every night -- when the kids were young and I was so tired and turned him down so much I think he got sick of asking. I would always put him off until "date night." I started dreading "date night" because I knew I had to perform perfunctory sex. I bet a psychologist would have a heyday with this stuff.

 

If I force myself to think rationally -- which I have -- it just doesn't seem like a wise decision to ruin a 28 year marriage with that much history to run off with an AP I've known since February. Yes, I have all the "love" feelings and the passion for him currently, but I only see him to get together to watch movies, have dinner, drink wine and have sex. It's fun stuff, but how would I feel about actually living with him 24/7 and dealing with real life stuff instead of just fun?

 

I know I'm going on a lot here, but this is therapy for me. One more reason why I'm choosing not to leave -- and this sounds like a double standard, but I get to make my decisions -- is because this is someone who was okay with sleeping with another man's wife. Neither he (ex-AP) nor I have shown any integrity in embarking on the affair. I guess I don't want to end up with someone who is okay with that even though I know my husband has ended up with someone who has behaved in that manner. Strange reasoning, but I admire my husband and love his integrity. He's an honorable man.

 

Now, I'm not saying my ex-AP is a bad person. I think we both made a bad decision. I think we both can be people who are faithful to just one another, but we've done a lot of damage to our relationship already by choosing to conspire to do something dishonorable and deceitful. Although it hurts me to think of an actual other person, I really do want my ex-AP to find happiness in his life and find someone with whom he may have a 100% committed relationship.

 

I'll stop now. That's just a small portion of what all the little people in my head are saying to me currently.

[Samantha0905]

Most days I feel very confident about my decision to work on my M. Then some days I feel like I should leave but am afraid for various reasons. Yet I do not want to be like many couples I know who are just married to be married and truly not fulfilled. Looking ahead, a M with step children, child support, visitations, blah blah blah sounds so far worse than my current situation.

 

After d-day, deep down I probably wanted my H to let go of me. I asked him twice if he wanted me to leave but each time he firmly stated "no." It has been 8 months since d-day and about 3 months of NC and I seem to be getting worse. I barely work, I do not contact friends, and I am struggling with my spirituality. Trying to finish projects but exercising is the only thing right now I even desire. I miss my xAP, I go jog. When sad, I go to the gym. Contemplated breaking NC daily last week but stayed strong. Looking forward to IC this week.

 

I know this isn't your main point, but I need to channel your exercise therapy. I worked out five times a week regularly since I was 33 (I'm 48). Since I moved into my apartment in June, I think I've worked out three or four times. It's starting to show.

 

I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. I feel very alone also. I've not called for counseling yet, but I'm sure I need to do so.

 

I hope you discover what gives you some peace and happiness.

[Samantha0905]

I hate the edit feature on this board.

 

Anyway, I meant to say:

 

Now, I'm not saying my ex-AP is a bad person. I think we both made a bad decision. I think we both can be people who are faithful to just one other, but we've done a lot of damage to our relationship already by choosing to conspire to do something dishonorable and deceitful.

[jennie-jennie]

Spoiled, I just want to send you my support. Big hugs

[jennie-jennie]

Samantha, I have just barely started reading your post. I just want to immediately respond to what you are saying about children. To me it is also about my children. I do not want to see them stuck in the future in a marriage where they would be happier to get out. I want them to find their happiness in life. So I set an example where I show them that my life and my happiness are important to me, so they can make that decision in the future for themselves.

[Samantha0905]

Samantha, I have just barely started reading your post. I just want to immediately respond to what you are saying about children. To me it is also about my children. I do not want to see them stuck in the future in a marriage where they would be happier to get out. I want them to find their happiness in life. So I set an example where I show them that my life and my happiness are important to me, so they can make that decision in the future for themselves.

 

I understand that. I don't know your situation. My children are adults, by the way -- 19 and 25. They have no idea there has ever been any unhappiness in our marriage as I don't discuss the lack of passion with them or the sex issues and outwardly we seem very happy and get along in general. They love us. They love their parents together.

 

I think it's important -- for me -- not to put my future happiness out there as what's most important to me. I think it's important to be happy, but I don't accept seeking it via selfishness is the way to find true happiness. Plus, they come first for me. Now, when I had the affair I wasn't putting them first. I'm trying to find that part of me that understands how important it is not to put my selfish desires in front of God, my husband and them.

 

I think I've been given all I need in life to be happy and the fault with utilizing it lies in me. I am very blessed.

[jennie-jennie]

Okay, Samantha, I finished reading your post. I respect your decision. I have however myself never accepted being in a relationship where I did not feel passion for my partner. That is a key ingredient of a relationship to me. And in my relationship with my exSO, the passion I held for him did not go away for the 25 years we spent together.