Need some

[elder1972]

Hello to all! My name is Craig and I need some help see my story below....

 

Ok,

I lived with my best friend for 9 years I never had any sexual thoughts or feelings for her but due to convience and a partnership we stayed together YES for 9 years. In early 2007 my friend and I started dating others which was good she got me on Match.com wrote my profile etc. She new me best so she wrote it I am good with numbers not writing. So, long story short I started talking with a lady on Match which is now my wife of almost a year. So my best friend made it possible for my wife to have me.....here is where it gets good.

 

After 9 days of dating my current wife she gave me the ultimatum to stop talking with my best friend of 9 years why she did this I do not know. For 8 months or so I kept in contact with my best friend behind my wifes back why I did this was I was trying to get my wife to understand we were just friends and my best friend and other friends were giving me ideas to propose to my wife so it would work. Now my definition of a relationship with my best friend was an occasional phone call, emails to see how she was doing etc. Not seeing her hanging out on the weekends etc. Now my wife caught me over the 8 month period chatting with my best friend by finding e-mails etc. The e-mails were harmless BUT yes I did it behind her back. Now after almost a year of no contact with my best friend she still hasn't fogivin me and she uses it as ammo when she does something wrong...

 

My wifes background is as follows. On a scale of 1 to 10 in beauty she is a strong 9 with a fantastic personality around others and out drinking. A+ personality out and about if you know what I mean. I always get boy you have a winner she is so open and nice etc. Now my wife is very open almost scary open. She told me everything about her sexual past how big the guys were(you know what I mean here). I am her third husband so lets make that clear. Her first marriage she was physically abused to the point where she has had 7 back surguries. Her second husband was a really nice guy and she abused him verbally because he had no backbone. She would hold out sex for months at a time feed him food she knew he didn't like just to try to get him to push back and hold his own with her. I guess she was looking for a equal someone she couldn't push over. I am lucky number three.....

 

Three days after I met my wife she lost her job and with her having twin 2 year old boys me being a nice guy and really liking this wild sexy woman I helped in every way I could. When I met her I was making $80K with $10 grand in debt and a 750 fica score. I gave her a balance 0 credit card and asked her to only use it for emergencies. About three weeks into our relationship she talked about a family vacation I was fine with that just didn't understand I was paying for it all. She never asked she just assumed it was ok. Now in her past she lived in Fort Lauderdale she used men big time with her beauty for the things she needed so I am guessing here that she expected it from me. So, long story short in 2 months she had maxed the card out at $6500. She charged anything she wanted. I new the trip cost us $3500 but I didn't find out until I checked my bill(I know should have done this sooner).

 

In the beginning of our relationship my wife was fairly sexual not quote as much as I wanted BUT the way she talked about her past I thought it would gradually get more frequent. I would like to have sex everyday and at least some good mornin oral lovin at least a couple time a month. You know the spontanious being woke up to it. She told me once she had sex with her second husband 8 times in one day now being married I might have sex 4 to 5 times a month with oral lovin maybe 2 times a month just a few minutes at a time before intercourse. I have to start the sex session she just lays there while i rub on her until she is horny then she does the pull and jerk on me until i am ready. It is so mechanical. When I do get angry about this she uses she is still mad at me about talking with my friend behind her back which has been 8 or 9 months of no contact.

 

So here are the things that have happened in the last year.

1. I used up all my credit had to file chapter 13 bankrupcy

2. I felt so helpless one night drank too much was going to a friends house and got a DUI (she uses this all the time now as new AMMO)

3. Transmission on car needed to be rebuilt had to return the car due to not having the funds to fix it more good news for my credit

4. My job is re-loacting to another state not sure to stay or go etc.

5. I have sold almost everything I own that I had before I was married.

 

Lets jump to my everyday home life. Our house is very clean and our cleaning is strutured I know when we vaccum, clean bathrooms etc. Now in the beginning she would get very mad at me about my cleaning skills and corrects me on everything I do wrong or weird. She still does this almost everyday. I walk on pins and needles in my own house that I bought on my credit for her and her boys.

 

I love my wife we do have our good moments but it just masks the pain I feel. I think she doesn't have a lot of sex with me because I am not like the well hung guys of her past I am just above average. I think she married me for support financially and that I looked like a good father figure. She always tells me of guys that flurt with her and tell her how beautifull she is why does she do this?

 

So, at this point I am broke my credit is ruined her life has been blessed being with me. Now our backs are going to be up against the wall because we have no credit. I am scared she is going to leave me now because I do not have anything else to give.

 

All I want is a woman that will love me! Make love to me! Massage my back like I do hers. Dress up in sexy nighties. I need a partner not a judge and I do not know what to do.

 

Should I get a divorce and start over?

 

Thanks for your input

[65tr6]

Should I get a divorce and start over?

 

Thanks for your input

 

She does not want to have sex with you because she does not respect you. She thinks you have no backbone.

 

Don't threaten her with divorce.

 

Make a list of things you want from her. How you want her to change.

 

Ask her to do the same.

 

Set yourself a time limit. 3 months or whatever makes sense. Both of you start making changes. Revisit the list and see how much progress you both have made.

 

How old are her boys ?

 

PS: The list must include total elimination of love busting behavior. For example she stops nagging you on how to clean the house.

 

For your part you maintain total NC with your friend.

[elder1972]

65TR6 - Her boys are now 4 years old Twins. Now I do want to say lately when she tells me of something I have done wrong etc. I give it right back to her. I do not feel loved....the other day she had a old work buddie a guy(he is cool was her boss have hung out many times) over to watch football his shoulders were tight so she gave him a mesage. She gave him this mesage when I was in another room when she new I found out she was like dam now I have to give you a mesage. She has never given me a mesage....I feel like a nanny with sex for payments when I have been good enough. Yay me

[The Midnight Rider]

Get out, and get out NOW! You are a cash cow for her and this aint gonna get much better. Don't give her 3 months, 3 weeks, or 30 seconds! At best, give her a two minute warning! Here's my mean and nasty suggestion...

 

1. Slip out the back, Jack
   
2. Make a new plan, Stan
   
3. No need to be coy, Roy. Just listen to me.
   
4. Hop on the bus, Gus. No need to discuss much
   
5. Drop off the key, Lee. And set yourself free.
   

[65tr6]

Now I do want to say lately when she tells me of something I have done wrong etc.

 

you CANNOT continue a relationship like this. Most here will say Get out, Divorce. I cant give you advise there at all.

 

But man from a 80K, 750 Score to Chapter 13 in a year's time is stunning.

 

You really need to stand up for yourself. Talk to her tonight and tell her this cannot continue anymore. She starts making changes tomorrow. If not, ............(fill in the blanks)

 

Can you do that ?

[elder1972]

If I do that put her in that type of situation she will pull the old the way I am is because of your lies and your DUI she never looses a fight.....never she is always on top and I cannot win.

[Fallen Angel]

Get out, and get out NOW! You are a cash cow for her and this aint gonna get much better. Don't give her 3 months, 3 weeks, or 30 seconds! At best, give her a two minute warning! Here's my mean and nasty suggestion...

 

1. Slip out the back, Jack
   
2. Make a new plan, Stan
   
3. No need to be coy, Roy. Just listen to me.
   
4. Hop on the bus, Gus. No need to discuss much
   
5. Drop off the key, Lee. And set yourself free.
   

 

OMG I LOVE THAT SONG!

[elder1972]

another thing to note I do not do anything i used to do before. When I wanted to play golf with my father on fathers day she gave me severe grief. She wanted me to take the 3 year old boys with me to play golf. I currently do nothing for myself. I now enjoy cleaning at least I know in doing that i will not cause any problems in the household. Plus now i do not have the money to do anything for myself all my funds are already spent on the families needs, food, shelter, power, water, cable etc....

[quankanne]

you are in an abusive relationship, and my suggestion is to RUN. Even if you have to sleep on a friend's sofa until you get back on your feet. This woman has no respect for you, is doing whatever she can to control you, and because you love her, you've gone along with it.

 

unless she's willing to do some work on her end of things, this is the best your marriage is going to be. I won't say it's not possible for her to change, because anything is possible when you put your mind to it, but I will say that it's not very probable that she will.

[Fallen Angel]

65TR6 - Her boys are now 4 years old Twins. Now I do want to say lately when she tells me of something I have done wrong etc. I give it right back to her. I do not feel loved....the other day she had a old work buddie a guy(he is cool was her boss have hung out many times) over to watch football his shoulders were tight so she gave him a mesage. She gave him this mesage when I was in another room when she new I found out she was like dam now I have to give you a mesage. She has never given me a mesage....I feel like a nanny with sex for payments when I have been good enough. Yay me

 

WOW, will you marry me??

 

Seriously? She gets anything and everything she wants, gives nothing but heartache in return, and flirts with "old work buddy" *something doesn't seem right with that term* IN YOUR HOUSE? And YOU are feeling bad why exactly??

 

I'm confused

 

How can you let her win an argument? There should be no argument. There should be her back, at your door... but that is just my opinion.

[The Midnight Rider]

Elder, I like you so I am going to pay you the complement of being as blunt as I can.

 

 

GET OUUUUUUUUTTTT!!!

 

 

She is playing you like a cello! Don't argue with her. Don't fight with her. This doesn't even need discussion. Get out like you just found out SATAN is living in your basement! Run like you owe the Crips money and they are behind you in traffic! This broad doesn't care about you, she cares about getting paid! You WILL take a financial hit, but it's a lot better than you coming home to find your bank account empty and her legs in the air from some hot stud she found at the supermarket. Don't be a puss, let this broad loose.

[seibert253]

I was on the fence until you mentioned about having sex with HUSBAND NUMBER TWO.

 

You're a meal ticket and someone to raise her kids. You're not a husband. By the way you've described things, I doubt she really loves you. I know you don't want to hear that but, I not the only one giving you bad news.

 

As a matter of fact, level with yourself, deep down you know this, you are just hoping someone will tell you it's gonna be ok. It may be, but I doubt it. Here's my prediction if you stay in this marriage in it's current state:

She's already bored, that's evident by her lack of enthusiasm in the sack. Eventually she's gonna cheat on you. I'll bet the farm on it.

 

I may be wrong, and this may be salvagable, here's how you find out.

Go to her, tell her what you've told us. Tell you you love her, but you are not happy with your marriage in it's current state. Tell her you wish to attend MC to fix the rut the two of you have gotten into. Then sit back and what her reaction.

If she gets angry and you get the "I'm fine I don't need counseling, everything is your fault", then I think you know your answer right there. Run Forest Run.

If she truly loves you, she will do anything to help fix this. If she's not, she will blame everything on you and do nothing. If that happens, you need to get out now before it's too late.

Peace, and Good Luck.

[seibert253]

65TR6 - Her boys are now 4 years old Twins. Now I do want to say lately when she tells me of something I have done wrong etc. I give it right back to her. I do not feel loved....the other day she had a old work buddie a guy(he is cool was her boss have hung out many times) over to watch football his shoulders were tight so she gave him a mesage. She gave him this mesage when I was in another room when she new I found out she was like dam now I have to give you a mesage. She has never given me a mesage....I feel like a nanny with sex for payments when I have been good enough. Yay me

 

Sorry I missed this.

Totally disrespectful and unacceptable.

[elder1972]

I appreciate your thoughts. I am scared I do not want to be alone and now if I am alone who would want me. I am 38 years old no credit no money. I will have to live with my parents for a couple of years!!!!! Oh the things I get myself into. Well wish me luck I am taking your advice to try MC and see how she reacts to it. I will make sure the MC is a female....I hope the MC is on my side of this. I am soooo stupid....

[elder1972]

I have set up MC she want me to go a few times before she goes she feels I am at fault for the way she treats me now. This is definitly going to be fun......she is soooo head strong this will destroy us.....

[seibert253]

I have set up MC she want me to go a few times before she goes she feels I am at fault for the way she treats me now. This is definitly going to be fun......she is soooo head strong this will destroy us.....

 

You need to make it clear, everything wrong in this marriage is not entirely your fault. MC only works if both are committed. Doesn't sound like she is. Sounds like she wants you to change, to be her lap dog at her beckon call. It's all or nothing time.

 

You need to make it crystal clear that she has faults in this too, and if she's not committed to compromise and change, then the two of you are wasting your time. Tell her, we go into this together, or we go our seperate ways.

 

You need to be firm, strong, and let her know that her actions are no longer acceptable.

 

To me it doesn't sound like she's stubborn, she's selfish.

[The Midnight Rider]

i appreciate your thoughts. I am scared i do not want to be alone and now if i am alone who would want me. I am 38 years old no credit no money. I will have to live with my parents for a couple of years!!!!! Oh the things i get myself into. Well wish me luck i am taking your advice to try mc and see how she reacts to it. I will make sure the mc is a female....i hope the mc is on my side of this. I am soooo stupid....

 

mc? mc? Don't want to be alone or live with your parents?

 

oh my god! Grow a pair!!!

i am going to write the rest of this in all caps and bold letters so there is no mistake in what i am telling you. She is using you! she is using you! she is using you! she is using you! she is using you! she is using you! she is using you! she is using you! she is using you! she is using you! Do not be "captain savahoe!" she is going to use you for every dime you have, screw some guy she is probably boinking now, and leave you anyway because you are "emotionally abusive!" if she goes to marriage counseling, (which would be a stretch) she will only go there to prolong your agony! She is a parasite and must be cut loose now!

 

 

geeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet ooooooooouuuuuuuut!!!!!