Incredibly unscientific Poll.....

[hopeful1980]

My wife would probably bash me over the head with the book if I tried to get her to read it. Is it in paperback:)? She however would rather I read "I'd Rather Eat Chocolate" by Joan Sewell.... Which as I have said sounds like the saddest indictment on marriage I ever heard.

 

Yes they have it in paperback. You can read a little bit of it here. It really isn't as bad as the title implies. I recommended it to my friend who was having fights with her husband over sex and she couldn't stop thanking me after she read it and put it to practice. It helps a lot.

[always_searching]

Out with friends Saturday and the question came "How often do you have sex?"....

 

All males (6) mid-40's.... All professional, fairly well-to do, decent looking with spouses the same. Not a single one with health problems or weight issues (for purposes of this poll).... Marriages or common-law partnerships all 10-23 years..... Two divorced...... All have young children, mine the oldest (outside one divorced) @ 13 & 16..... Others range 2-9......

 

So how often...... 1-1.5 X per week to 1 X per month for married. 10-12 X per month for the two divorced with GF's in their 30's.....

 

Tell my wife and she laughs and nods, explaining "Well those two don't have to see their BF's everyday"......

 

Does it say anything? No, but funny, eye-opening and pretty much what I expected......

 

I haven't read through all of the replies, but I have to say: that is depressing as hell. If it weren't for the fact that I'm Catholic and, thus, believe I should be married before sex is permissible: I would probably just do what your divorced friends are doing.

 

So, where do you stand on this? You are married, and am I to assume that you aren't getting as much sex as you'd like?

 

I'm not sure what it says except that oftentimes people grow too "comfortable" with each other--married couples become close friends who lose sexual attraction for each other. Also, many woman stop wanting sex after they stop ovulating i.e. after menopause. Finally, due to alterations in physique and/or personalities, people just lose interest or naturally grow appart.

 

Marriage is hard. Two people who are married (especially if they are married with children) have to work for their relationship to stay passionate.

 

Anyway, if you're in the same boat as your other married friends: maybe try to be more active in getting your wife in bed. Or tell her that you aren't being desired as you feel you ought to be.

 

[MistyK]

Out with friends Saturday and the question came "How often do you have sex?"....

 

All males (6) mid-40's.... All professional, fairly well-to do, decent looking with spouses the same. Not a single one with health problems or weight issues (for purposes of this poll).... Marriages or common-law partnerships all 10-23 years..... Two divorced...... All have young children, mine the oldest (outside one divorced) @ 13 & 16..... Others range 2-9......

 

So how often...... 1-1.5 X per week to 1 X per month for married. 10-12 X per month for the two divorced with GF's in their 30's.....

 

Tell my wife and she laughs and nods, explaining "Well those two don't have to see their BF's everyday"......

 

Does it say anything? No, but funny, eye-opening and pretty much what I expected......

 

I'm 30. When I was married (relationship of 12 years), things petered out 5 years before we got married. By the time we separated it as about once a week - once every 2 weeks, and only because I felt obligated. My H thought something was wrong with me. He had me convinced enough that i went to my gyno about it. She said, that her H, like most men, seems to think that "everybody's getting laid more than me." She offered me an anti-depressant, and I decided I would not change my body chemistry just because my H wanted it more than I did (felt stepford wife-ish)

 

Now, post-divorce, I quickly discovered that it wasn't. Turns out it wasn't that I didn't want sex, I just didn't want to have it with him. It was a truly amazing discovery. My current bf now is in his mid-forties and struggles to keep up with me We have sex probably 3-4 times a week, and it would probably be more if our schedules permitted.

[confusedinkansas]

"everybody's getting laid more than me." She offered me an anti-depressant

 

I haven't read this entire thread - But my 2 cents worth:

 

This is what gets me about "People"...(I think mostly men) in general. They all tell such tall tales that everyone out there thinks that the next guy is gettin' more than he is.

 

The actual average (just saw this last week) amount of sex per year is 103 times. AVERAGE. That's not quite 2 times a week.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Now, post-divorce, I quickly discovered that it wasn't. Turns out it wasn't that I didn't want sex, I just didn't want to have it with him. It was a truly amazing discovery. My current bf now is in his mid-forties and struggles to keep up with me We have sex probably 3-4 times a week, and it would probably be more if our schedules permitted.

 

Great another happy ending...... Sure Lizzy and some other females on this thread are vigorously nodding their heads somewhere....

[MistyK]

Great another happy ending...... Sure Lizzy and some other females on this thread are vigorously nodding their heads somewhere....

 

It's not the marriage that kills the sex - sex for my xH and I was dead well before that (and we got married anyway). It was that the relationship was bad. Sex is a good indicator of the health of the relationship. When one tanks, the other tends to as well.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I haven't read this entire thread - But my 2 cents worth:

 

This is what gets me about "People"...(I think mostly men) in general. They all tell such tall tales that everyone out there thinks that the next guy is gettin' more than he is.

 

The actual average (just saw this last week) amount of sex per year is 103 times. AVERAGE. That's not quite 2 times a week.

 

So my single friends getting it 10-12 x's a mth are just above average. I hope that # is married people under a certain age......

[Mr. Lucky]

I haven't read this entire thread - But my 2 cents worth:

 

This is what gets me about "People"...(I think mostly men) in general. They all tell such tall tales that everyone out there thinks that the next guy is gettin' more than he is.

 

The actual average (just saw this last week) amount of sex per year is 103 times. AVERAGE. That's not quite 2 times a week.

That sounds about right. The problem is that some of the posters here would love to be "average". They're having sex 2-3 times per month ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Toodamnpragmatic]

That sounds about right. The problem is that some of the posters here would love to be "average". They're having sex 2-3 times per month ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

I bet if people would be getting it 103 on average a lot more would be complaining about getting too much sex.

 

With the amount getting 2-3 X's/mth and let's pretend that those are in committed relationships, how many are getting it 300-400/yr to average it out to 103?????

 

Heck how many on LS are getting it 103+/yr???? I bet you 75%+ are getting it less.......

[eeyore1981]

It's not the marriage that kills the sex - sex for my xH and I was dead well before that (and we got married anyway). It was that the relationship was bad. Sex is a good indicator of the health of the relationship. When one tanks, the other tends to as well.

 

I agree completely.

 

Here's an idea for another unscientific poll.

 

"What kind of things, like writing love letters, whispering sweet nothings, etc. were being done at the beginning of the relationship, and how often, by the person 'doing without' vs. what and how often now?"

 

My guess is the 'romance' became scarce long before the sex did.

[mem11363]

I don't think this is quite right. For the husbands who want much more sex then they are getting - I would guess at least half those men do all the textbook stuff PLUS SOME. I think the issue for that half is - at risk of being simplistic - too nice / too loving.

 

I bet you - at some point in the past those guys got frustrated - wife was slowing down the pace in bed and the husbands started trying too hard. The ultimate turnoff for many people/men and women is: An endless bombardment of love acts performed by your spouse, that have the sole purpose of getting you to love them more. This is the worst possible message - it is the message that when you are not meeting my needs I will simply try harder. I will chase you more, love you more, try to emotionally grasp you tighter.

 

And this is a very natural behavior pattern. In fact the opposite - genuine indifference/deprioritization of your spouse is hard to do. But if you can do it - and do it properly - it works well. This means you are every bit as nice, as kind as fun to be with when you are present, but since you are genuinely focusing more on other activities and priorities - you are not present nearly so much. And it also means that you are not doing extra above and beyond stuff. You do your fair share. If you get complaints about a lack of dinners - etc - you simply respond that if they want to go to dinner - they just have to ask. This creates a very nice dynamic. Most partners will give chase when they feel that their partner is gradually losing focus on them. Almost everyone loves a challenge as long as the partner is worth chasing. This approach does not work if you are not fun to be with and/or have killed their desire by letting yourself go.

 

I simply do not believe that women find it attractive when a man won't stand up for his own needs in a firm and mature way.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I agree completely.

 

Here's an idea for another unscientific poll.

 

"What kind of things, like writing love letters, whispering sweet nothings, etc. were being done at the beginning of the relationship, and how often, by the person 'doing without' vs. what and how often now?"

 

My guess is the 'romance' became scarce long before the sex did.

[eeyore1981]

I don't think this is quite right. For the husbands who want much more sex then they are getting - I would guess at least half those men do all the textbook stuff PLUS SOME. I think the issue for that half is - at risk of being simplistic - too nice / too loving.

 

I bet you - at some point in the past those guys got frustrated - wife was slowing down the pace in bed and the husbands started trying too hard. The ultimate turnoff for many people/men and women is: An endless bombardment of love acts performed by your spouse, that have the sole purpose of getting you to love them more. This is the worst possible message - it is the message that when you are not meeting my needs I will simply try harder. I will chase you more, love you more, try to emotionally grasp you tighter.

 

And this is a very natural behavior pattern. In fact the opposite - genuine indifference/deprioritization of your spouse is hard to do. But if you can do it - and do it properly - it works well. This means you are every bit as nice, as kind as fun to be with when you are present, but since you are genuinely focusing more on other activities and priorities - you are not present nearly so much. And it also means that you are not doing extra above and beyond stuff. You do your fair share. If you get complaints about a lack of dinners - etc - you simply respond that if they want to go to dinner - they just have to ask. This creates a very nice dynamic. Most partners will give chase when they feel that their partner is gradually losing focus on them. Almost everyone loves a challenge as long as the partner is worth chasing. This approach does not work if you are not fun to be with and/or have killed their desire by letting yourself go.

 

I simply do not believe that women find it attractive when a man won't stand up for his own needs in a firm and mature way.

 

I kind of understand what you are saying, and I kind of don't.

 

I don't see why my point never comes across unless I write a 3 page essay.

 

I agree very few women would want a man slobbering all over them all the time.

As far as your 'dinner' analogy, that, imo, goes to "she never initiates..." See what I am saying?

 

Unfortunately, it is a biological fact most men view sex differently than most women. Most women view other factors, the 'romance', differently than most men. That's why women generally need lots of foreplay, and men don't.

 

Basically, what I am trying to say is IMO a lot of men expect to maintain the same level of sex from about year 3 or so of the relationship, yet they are not maintaining year 3 or so of the romance.

 

If my H needs to have sex with me to have an emotional connection, then I need to have an emotional connection to have sex. In my case, the sex lasted long after he quit making me an important part of his life. I've also seen the same thing in most of my friends. I read a thread in here, sorry, can't remember what it was called, where the guy was saying his wife was fed up with him always putting work over her and their children. This went on for months, with him constantly saying, "I understand what she is saying, but this (call, meeting, business trip...) was very important." It seemed to take him forever to get that he was continually making work more important, at her expense, so why should he be number 1 on her list?

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I kind of understand what you are saying, and I kind of don't.

 

I don't see why my point never comes across unless I write a 3 page essay.

 

I agree very few women would want a man slobbering all over them all the time.

As far as your 'dinner' analogy, that, imo, goes to "she never initiates..." See what I am saying?

 

Unfortunately, it is a biological fact most men view sex differently than most women. Most women view other factors, the 'romance', differently than most men. That's why women generally need lots of foreplay, and men don't.

 

Basically, what I am trying to say is IMO a lot of men expect to maintain the same level of sex from about year 3 or so of the relationship, yet they are not maintaining year 3 or so of the romance.

 

If my H needs to have sex with me to have an emotional connection, then I need to have an emotional connection to have sex. In my case, the sex lasted long after he quit making me an important part of his life. I've also seen the same thing in most of my friends. I read a thread in here, sorry, can't remember what it was called, where the guy was saying his wife was fed up with him always putting work over her and their children. This went on for months, with him constantly saying, "I understand what she is saying, but this (call, meeting, business trip...) was very important." It seemed to take him forever to get that he was continually making work more important, at her expense, so why should he be number 1 on her list?

 

And what were you doing for your husband to make him want to stay married and happy? You keep expecting an emotional connection to have sex, which according to you is something only men want and is a "reward".... What exactly were you bringing to the marriage then? I do not mean to be crass, it is just a bothersome question, based on what one might read as sex being a "reward" to the male....

[eeyore1981]

And what were you doing for your husband to make him want to stay married and happy? You keep expecting an emotional connection to have sex, which according to you is something only men want and is a "reward".... What exactly were you bringing to the marriage then? I do not mean to be crass, it is just a bothersome question, based on what one might read as sex being a "reward" to the male....

 

You have a real problem. You don't address the post, because you apparently can't. You instead start throwing all this other stuff out there. Classic evasion, which seems par for the course with you.

 

I've been manipulated by my husband for most of our marriage. It took me a long time, but I recognize the signs now, and I'm not playing. Have a nice day.

[Lizzie60]

I'm 30. When I was married (relationship of 12 years), things petered out 5 years before we got married. By the time we separated it as about once a week - once every 2 weeks, and only because I felt obligated. My H thought something was wrong with me. He had me convinced enough that i went to my gyno about it. She said, that her H, like most men, seems to think that "everybody's getting laid more than me." She offered me an anti-depressant, and I decided I would not change my body chemistry just because my H wanted it more than I did (felt stepford wife-ish)

 

Now, post-divorce, I quickly discovered that it wasn't. Turns out it wasn't that I didn't want sex, I just didn't want to have it with him. It was a truly amazing discovery. My current bf now is in his mid-forties and struggles to keep up with me We have sex probably 3-4 times a week, and it would probably be more if our schedules permitted.

 

and I'm sure a LOT of women out there and even here.. thinks their libido is 'dead'.. but in fact.. it's just dormant.. because of the 'boredom'... once it's 'relived'... wow..

 

I can't complain ever since I've been single.. my libido has never been 'dormant'... I have variety..

 

I said it before.. and will repeat it... routine/same partner\boredom kills the libido... women... get a new partner.. and see your libido revived..

[mem11363]

eeyore,

I am not trying to be dense. And I get your first person point very well which is that you continued to meet his needs for a long time after he stopped meeting yours. I totally get why that would make you angry. And I totally get why you would shut down sexually over time.

 

I will give you my first person story about sex, love and feeling appreciated and well treated. My wife has always treated me very well sexually.

 

But we did have one period - 6 to 12 months where I felt so ill used overall that I shut down sexually. Pretty close to completely as I recall. I was working 60 plus hours a week at a super high stress job and all 3 kids were in school full time and my stay at home wife was routinely blowing off my requests for a little more help with stuff. Our workloads felt so unequal and yet she still seemed to consider anything extra I requested as a nuisance. For instance I asked her to get me a house key - we had just bought a new house. And sure I could have done it on the weekend - but didnt think I should have to. I was at 60 plus hours/she was at a workload of about 25 hours. It took me asking 4 times and almost a month. And yes - yes I could have gone to Sears. I know that. In fact I could have just given in and stopped asking her for stuff entirely. But that would have been part of a plan to suck it up til the kids left for school and then leave. I didn't want that.

 

Around that time I resumed smoking cigarettes and she told me she did not want to have sex if I smelled like smoke.

 

And I told her that I was fine if we just completely stopped having sex. I told her - until I start feeling some love outside the bedroom - I have zero interest in any love inside the bedroom. And I stayed the course on that until I felt like I was being treated fairly. At which point I resumed being a decent partner - quit smoking and went back to playing nice between the sheets.

 

 

I kind of understand what you are saying, and I kind of don't.

 

I don't see why my point never comes across unless I write a 3 page essay.

 

I agree very few women would want a man slobbering all over them all the time.

As far as your 'dinner' analogy, that, imo, goes to "she never initiates..." See what I am saying?

 

Unfortunately, it is a biological fact most men view sex differently than most women. Most women view other factors, the 'romance', differently than most men. That's why women generally need lots of foreplay, and men don't.

 

Basically, what I am trying to say is IMO a lot of men expect to maintain the same level of sex from about year 3 or so of the relationship, yet they are not maintaining year 3 or so of the romance.

 

If my H needs to have sex with me to have an emotional connection, then I need to have an emotional connection to have sex. In my case, the sex lasted long after he quit making me an important part of his life. I've also seen the same thing in most of my friends. I read a thread in here, sorry, can't remember what it was called, where the guy was saying his wife was fed up with him always putting work over her and their children. This went on for months, with him constantly saying, "I understand what she is saying, but this (call, meeting, business trip...) was very important." It seemed to take him forever to get that he was continually making work more important, at her expense, so why should he be number 1 on her list?

[Lucky_One]

and I'm sure a LOT of women out there and even here.. thinks their libido is 'dead'.. but in fact.. it's just dormant.. because of the 'boredom'... once it's 'relived'... wow..

 

I can't complain ever since I've been single.. my libido has never been 'dormant'... I have variety..

 

I said it before.. and will repeat it... routine/same partner\boredom kills the libido... women... get a new partner.. and see your libido revived..

 

I don't think that this is totally untrue; I don't think that finding a new partner is necessarily the answer, but it definitely does work.

 

There was a case in point on this thread - the sex frequency in a marriage wasn't adequate for one of the partners and the romantic gestures on both sides were nil. She is now having an affair, and both the sexual frequency and the romantic gestures are high numbers. New partner for both the OW and for the MM, and sexual satisfaction rates highly.

 

Granted, her "data" doesn't fit for the highly unscientific poll parameters and would have to be tossed (as the poll is intended for married people or people in long-term monogamous open relationships, and not for people in affairs), so her input really doesn't change the poll outcome.

[EcstasyX6]

Hi All,

Late in the game....

I read this entire thread, and it seems the issues are that people validation for support of their opinion or situation. Truly, people are like a box of chocolates; we come in many flavors, and because of our hodge podge of DNA, we vary a great deal sexually, even though many people fall within the statistical average on scientific bell curves. It's really all ok people.

 

TooPrag-

I guess you won't like me either, but here's my truth: In my 17 year marriage, my husband typically had sex 1-2 times per week, but that increased to 2-3 after 40. However, during the first 12 years or so, for me it was duty sex because I didn't orgasm through intercourse and felt sexually frustrated. We learned later that it was a technique issue. I also learned that I'm one of those few women(apparently only 30% of women-I was shocked at this low number) who are capable of a G spot orgasm. It appears that I'm not the 'average' woman, I enjoy sex for sex sake for the physical pleasure and the emotional connection, and don't require much romance, but I certainly like it in the right amounts and context. My husband was very romantic, (even that petered out towards the end) BUT lost himself over the years, gained weight, and became very stifling and boring to me. He didn't have any outside interests, didn't involve himself much with the kids except with play, didn't cook, clean, or do manly stuff around the house for the most part unless asked, yet I was his sun, moon and earth. And why not? I did the cooking, cleaning, childcare, managed finances, and my own activities outside of the house, provided regular sex willingly, and get this fellas, he found me very sexy. Still, I wanted more sex, but more QUALITY sex, not sex where just he was getting satisfied. He was a man who was so into his work, that when he came home, he'd collapse and watch TV or get on the computer. Which I didn't have a problem with during the week, but damn it, get up Saturday morning, and plug in!. Talk about an unappealing lump. Men, this is VERY UNSEXY!

 

I still received flowers, fancy dinners, expensive trips, etc., but largely he was inactive, and I was active. He bored the hell out for me, and I felt strangled. Offers of more flowers and attention didn't work because we weren't emotionally connected. For me, sex became sex for the physical pleasure alone. There was little to no kissing, eye contact. The intimacy was nil. I certainly liked him, and we were friends-still are, but love him as a wife should love her husband, no. I knew after the honeymoon, that we just weren't well matched. I'm NOT blaming him, we just didn't fit well together.(yes we had therapy)

 

I don't think anyone here experienced a similar situation, but I'm not surprised.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Everyone loves to project their own situations into these posts and truly they do have a place in the ultimate state of your marriage. But this does not mean that it is a catch all to all marriages and the issues about sex. Yes, an unfulfilled marriage marriage does affect sex.

 

EcstacyX6, you talk about a husband who has no interests (don't know yours), inactive and overweight, did not help around the home or with the children. These are specific problems with your spouse and not a catchall.

 

Eeyore1981 I appreciate you had an unhappy marriage and unsupportive husband and he did not do what you expected on an emotional level, thus you resented and slowly stopped having sex (probably went on too long). I ask my questions because you do list his shortcomings, but I don't know whether you ever told him your issues and what he was doing wrong and why the marriage was crumbling.

 

Now I am a male who is lost and think that it takes two people to tango and no one is 100% to blame, but he still loved you, or at least wanted to have sex and you did not and resented it. I guess I wonder why it is so one-sided.

 

I know couples and wonder why wives/GFs stay because I doubt the male is pulling his weight. This is a two-way street and that is why I ask my questions, because I always hear/read just the one side.

 

Read the men who post.... Most own up to their shortcomings or how they contrubuted to the issues in the marriage. Many women on the otherhand are oblivious and seem to have done nothing and in fact have put up with their spouses for longer then necessary in their assessments.

Edited October 22, 2009 by Toodamnpragmatic

[Scrivdog]

Anybody remember this guy? His wife wasn't having sex with him because she thought he was a crashing bore, then he sure fixed that issue

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=170807

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Anybody remember this guy? His wife wasn't having sex with him because she thought he was a crashing bore, then he sure fixed that issue

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=170807

 

What a story...... Am not going through the 11 pages, but I simply think that it is absence that makes the heart grow fonder..... Gone all week and together the weekend...... If you have a good marriage (even if not enough sex), once you take care of the family obligation you will probably get more sex.....

 

My wife said the same thing about my friends with GF's...... They don't have to see and live with them everyday.....

[eeyore1981]

eeyore,

I am not trying to be dense. And I get your first person point very well which is that you continued to meet his needs for a long time after he stopped meeting yours. I totally get why that would make you angry. And I totally get why you would shut down sexually over time.

 

I will give you my first person story about sex, love and feeling appreciated and well treated. My wife has always treated me very well sexually.

 

But we did have one period - 6 to 12 months where I felt so ill used overall that I shut down sexually. Pretty close to completely as I recall. I was working 60 plus hours a week at a super high stress job and all 3 kids were in school full time and my stay at home wife was routinely blowing off my requests for a little more help with stuff. Our workloads felt so unequal and yet she still seemed to consider anything extra I requested as a nuisance. For instance I asked her to get me a house key - we had just bought a new house. And sure I could have done it on the weekend - but didnt think I should have to. I was at 60 plus hours/she was at a workload of about 25 hours. It took me asking 4 times and almost a month. And yes - yes I could have gone to Sears. I know that. In fact I could have just given in and stopped asking her for stuff entirely. But that would have been part of a plan to suck it up til the kids left for school and then leave. I didn't want that.

 

Around that time I resumed smoking cigarettes and she told me she did not want to have sex if I smelled like smoke.

 

And I told her that I was fine if we just completely stopped having sex. I told her - until I start feeling some love outside the bedroom - I have zero interest in any love inside the bedroom. And I stayed the course on that until I felt like I was being treated fairly. At which point I resumed being a decent partner - quit smoking and went back to playing nice between the sheets.

 

Ya know, it seems from what you write here we are pretty much on the same page.

 

I somewhat used myself as an example in a general way. My personal situation is on the very extreme side, and so the things I am saying on this subject come a lot more from my exposure to other people and their sexual problems than my own.

 

It's like being in here, in some ways I KNOW people see my problem much clearer than I do, yet until I myself have some clarity of vision, I'm just spinning my wheels.

[eeyore1981]

Everyone loves to project their own situations into these posts and truly they do have a place in the ultimate state of your marriage. But this does not mean that it is a catch all to all marriages and the issues about sex. Yes, an unfulfilled marriage marriage does affect sex.

 

EcstacyX6, you talk about a husband who has no interests (don't know yours), inactive and overweight, did not help around the home or with the children. These are specific problems with your spouse and not a catchall.

 

Eeyore1981 I appreciate you had an unhappy marriage and unsupportive husband and he did not do what you expected on an emotional level, thus you resented and slowly stopped having sex (probably went on too long). I ask my questions because you do list his shortcomings, but I don't know whether you ever told him your issues and what he was doing wrong and why the marriage was crumbling.

 

Now I am a male who is lost and think that it takes two people to tango and no one is 100% to blame, but he still loved you, or at least wanted to have sex and you did not and resented it. I guess I wonder why it is so one-sided.

 

I know couples and wonder why wives/GFs stay because I doubt the male is pulling his weight. This is a two-way street and that is why I ask my questions, because I always hear/read just the one side.

 

Read the men who post.... Most own up to their shortcomings or how they contrubuted to the issues in the marriage. Many women on the otherhand are oblivious and seem to have done nothing and in fact have put up with their spouses for longer then necessary in their assessments.

 

I'm sure I am projecting some of my own feelings, but what I am saying about sex, or lack of, in a marriage has very little to do with my own circumstances.

 

As far as making my H aware of the issues, yeah. I would have had more success beating my head into a wall. I discussed, I read books, I had IC, I initiated MC, etc. H likes to push me right to the very edge of endurance, at which point he suddenly has an 'epiphany', things get better for a while, then it is right back to all him, all the time.

 

You asked before what I brought into my marriage. I could type for days, but to be brief, I brought love, support, consideration, respect, and compassion. I got little of this in return. I would hope most of the marriages, and by reading the posts, I feel it is safe to assume, are not this unbalanced.

 

If you have two people who love each other and respect each other, having a mutually satisfactory sex life for years, then not so much anymore, then IMO SOMETHING has changed. For a partner to just wake up one day and decide sex no longer appeals to them for no reason at all is illogical. It probably happens, but in a small, small minority of people. Go back to when things were good, and compare to when things aren't. What is different?

 

Sex is such a difficult thing to work with. So many things can go wrong with it, like feeling unloved or unappreciated. When the person wanting more sex only does things to get more sex, it reinforces the feelings of being unloved and unappreciated, thereby backfiring, and usually causing resentment in the person wanting more sex. And the cycle continues.

[EcstasyX6]

Everyone loves to project their own situations into these posts and truly they do have a place in the ultimate state of your marriage. But this does not mean that it is a catch all to all marriages and the issues about sex. Yes, an unfulfilled marriage marriage does affect sex.

 

EcstacyX6, you talk about a husband who has no interests (don't know yours), inactive and overweight, did not help around the home or with the children. These are specific problems with your spouse and not a catchall.

 

Eeyore1981 I appreciate you had an unhappy marriage and unsupportive husband and he did not do what you expected on an emotional level, thus you resented and slowly stopped having sex (probably went on too long). I ask my questions because you do list his shortcomings, but I don't know whether you ever told him your issues and what he was doing wrong and why the marriage was crumbling.

 

Now I am a male who is lost and think that it takes two people to tango and no one is 100% to blame, but he still loved you, or at least wanted to have sex and you did not and resented it. I guess I wonder why it is so one-sided.

 

I know couples and wonder why wives/GFs stay because I doubt the male is pulling his weight. This is a two-way street and that is why I ask my questions, because I always hear/read just the one side.

 

Read the men who post.... Most own up to their shortcomings or how they contrubuted to the issues in the marriage. Many women on the otherhand are oblivious and seem to have done nothing and in fact have put up with their spouses for longer then necessary in their assessments.

 

 

I didn't read any of the post after mine, so I'm going back a bit...

 

Prag- I guess you're agreeing with me in a sense. My situation is specific and not a catchall, but I think there may be some women who can relate to me in terms of losing attraction for your husband after many years of marriage d/t other issues not related to romance. I also thought you'd find it interesting that we were a couple who had frequent good sex(later in the marriage), but the love was absent(on my part anyway). In other words, looking at how many times a week we had sex, would tell you nothing about the health of our marriage.

 

Yes, I agree that both are responsible but according to my husband, I was the perfect wife for him and had done nothing wrong other than the EA, which occurred late in our marriage. He did say that I could have been more attentive during sex, but I wasn't physically attracted to him, and typically enjoyed all the attention. Yes, I put up with him for a long time, and I communicated my unhappiness, and we went to therapy, but he just went back to being the same old lump that he was before after a few weeks of trying to be more of a participant in the marriage.

 

I thought I stated that he had no interests outside the home. I'm a very outdoorsy person. He found great enjoyment from watching TV and going on the internet. My interests were and are, hiking/trail walks, biking, anything involving water, gardening, and a number of community organizations.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I didn't read any of the post after mine, so I'm going back a bit...

 

Prag- I guess you're agreeing with me in a sense. My situation is specific and not a catchall, but I think there may be some women who can relate to me in terms of losing attraction for your husband after many years of marriage d/t other issues not related to romance. I also thought you'd find it interesting that we were a couple who had frequent good sex(later in the marriage), but the love was absent(on my part anyway). In other words, looking at how many times a week we had sex, would tell you nothing about the health of our marriage.

 

Yes, I agree that both are responsible but according to my husband, I was the perfect wife for him and had done nothing wrong other than the EA, which occurred late in our marriage. He did say that I could have been more attentive during sex, but I wasn't physically attracted to him, and typically enjoyed all the attention. Yes, I put up with him for a long time, and I communicated my unhappiness, and we went to therapy, but he just went back to being the same old lump that he was before after a few weeks of trying to be more of a participant in the marriage.

 

I thought I stated that he had no interests outside the home. I'm a very outdoorsy person. He found great enjoyment from watching TV and going on the internet. My interests were and are, hiking/trail walks, biking, anything involving water, gardening, and a number of community organizations.

 

it is taking no interest in your partner.... I love to golf, my wife golfs too.... Does she love it??? No, likes it, but not like I do. We can golf together or I can with friends. She does martial arts, I run..... We sit on the couch and watch TV together, where at times I will read a magazine or paper while she watches. The point is we spend time together.

 

The issue with your husband is that he is lazy and out of shape (sure mem11363 has something to say about that;))....

 

It is the fact he does not spend time with you that resulted in the resentment..... A walk or hike in order to be together seems a small thing to do, with great benefits (i.e. exercise, fresh air and cardio).....

 

Did you tell him you were not physically attracted to him and his weight???? Would he do something about his weight? Hope that is the only thing that bothered you (i.e. not his aging, which he has no control over). I will however say being inattentive during sex is unfair to him....

Edited October 23, 2009 by Toodamnpragmatic