How is it I'm feeling guilty?

[NowhereToHide]

I've been madly posting on here all day today to keep myself from contacting my xAP who I just went NC.

 

And I'm actually feeling guilty for instituting NC... actually starting to worry that I've "hurt" him. How sick is that?

 

I know this is for the best. NC has just (hopefully temporarily) ramped up my obsessing about him.

 

Damn it I wish this was easier.

[fooled once]

**hug** I am sorry you are hurting.

 

The best thing you can do when hurting is KEEP YOURSELF BUSY and keep posting. I am sure there are other forums on here that could use your wise words. I guess what I am trying to say is maybe hanging in this forum right now isn't the best for you because it keeps your mind on the situation?

 

I know years ago when I visited step family forums -- and I heard all the negativity about step kids, it made ME more negative about my situation. I had to stop going to those sites because it wasn't helping; it was hurting my marriage.

[jennifer4]

I know how tough it is. I am on the 2nd week of NC. Every time I check my email I want to see one from him...

I hope it gets easier.

[Spoiled]

I've been madly posting on here all day today to keep myself from contacting my xAP who I just went NC.

 

And I'm actually feeling guilty for instituting NC... actually starting to worry that I've "hurt" him. How sick is that?

 

I know this is for the best. NC has just (hopefully temporarily) ramped up my obsessing about him.

 

Damn it I wish this was easier.

 

 

I have been posting all day too. It will get better, I felt guilty the first two weeks because I did not even allow him to respond. I felt guilty because I knew neither one of us wanted to truly maintain NC BUT neither one of us was planning to pack either. We both knew it was best for our marriages but did not want to be the one to do it. I felt responsible for ending a twelve year friendship but of course I am not the only one to blame.

 

I do not think it is "sick" of you to feel that way. You assume he is hurting too, it means you cared about him. Then there is the little devil on your shoulder asking whether or not you really could have been together if you had held on a little longer, does he know I really did love him, does he understand. All kinds of mess to make you think you should contact him. DON'T. It will get easier, just takes time. I know your pain and wish I could help take it away, I have been teary eyed all day.

[Devil Inside]

NTH...sorry...I know it is going to be a tough few weeks. I feel you.

 

You are not sick for feeling like you hurt him. This is a man that you love. of course you do not want him to hurt. Let me tell you though...as an MM that was broken up with. He will get through this. He is a big boy. He lived before you..and he will get along now without. He will miss you...sure...but he will survive. I promise.

 

Now as for you lady. You keep yourself busy. You buzz around these forums and help others. Do whatever you need to do to get your mind off of this dude. Play with your kids. Hang with your hubby. Go clean. Go exercise. Watch a funny movie...no romances. Do whatever.

 

The other thing...it is ok to feel like this. It is normal. It will be a process. This is finally the beginning of your healing...now that you really are NC. Just know that everyday is a step in the right direction...but it starts off with a lot of pain. You are not alone. We are here to help. You know I'm always here for you....reach out if you need it...and stop feeling guilty...you going NC is an act of love for you and him...this is for the best...remember that!

[Athena]

I've been madly posting on here all day today to keep myself from contacting my xAP who I just went NC.

 

And I'm actually feeling guilty for instituting NC... actually starting to worry that I've "hurt" him. How sick is that?

 

I know this is for the best. NC has just (hopefully temporarily) ramped up my obsessing about him.

 

Damn it I wish this was easier.

 

Cutting off all contact from one you love is tough. As for your xAP it's understandable that you would still be concerned for him, but all you can do is keep your side up, and hope he will do his part, so that you both can move on to something different.

 

You need to learn to self-sooth when you start to obsess about him... remember that his feelings about you haven't changed, it's just that the circumstances call for NC.

 

It will get easier as time goes by, like everything else.

 

Every time you find yourself thinking of him/longing for him, switch mental gears and force yourself to think of a different subject.... you need to give him/the subject less of your time and thoughts.

[NowhereToHide]

DI .... Where in the Hell have you been all day?

 

Thank you. I've been struggling all day. I kept telling myself what you said.... It gets worse before it gets better. It's like I'm going through the withdrawal of checking my old email. No contact. Shut off. It feels so strange to never talk to him again when he was such a focus in my life for too long.

 

Thank you for knowing exactly what I needed to hear.

[Devil Inside]

DI .... Where in the Hell have you been all day?

 

Thank you. I've been struggling all day. I kept telling myself what you said.... It gets worse before it gets better. It's like I'm going through the withdrawal of checking my old email. No contact. Shut off. It feels so strange to never talk to him again when he was such a focus in my life for too long.

 

Thank you for knowing exactly what I needed to hear.

 

You know why I know what you need to hear...because you and I are so alike that it freaks me out sometimes.

 

That should also tell you that it is about us and not the people we chose to have As with. Don't get me wrong...they are wonderful people...or else we not have fallen so hard. However...the difficulty in the separating...that is withdrawal kicking in.

 

Like a little kid giving up the pacifier...we are crying for it. Athena is right...you have to learn how to self soothe. We both do.

 

I know it hurts. Hang in there...k?

[NowhereToHide]

Thank you Athena. I know you are right... I tend to be a bit compulsive when it comes to my behaviors with this A. I need to switch my focus to something that is positive. I have a great deal of good things in my life that I can focus on. It's a good reminder.

[NowhereToHide]

DI... You made me laugh- I needed that! Yes.. Our similarities are freaky indeed:p

 

One day at a time, right? My emotions are so scattered right now it's almost humorous... Guilt over what I've done, anger at myself for opening myself up to him, intense sadness over what I'm losing, relief at finally going NC, doubt over my strength to get through this... Damn. We are a messed up pair.

 

Did you have therapy today? How did it go? How are YOU doing, my friend?

[whattodonow12]

NTH, I could have written your last comment myself. I feel so confused over everything too. Hope tomorrow will be better for you. But, I am glad that I am not the only messed up one around. LOL

[Devil Inside]

DI... You made me laugh- I needed that! Yes.. Our similarities are freaky indeed:p

 

One day at a time, right? My emotions are so scattered right now it's almost humorous... Guilt over what I've done, anger at myself for opening myself up to him, intense sadness over what I'm losing, relief at finally going NC, doubt over my strength to get through this... Damn. We are a messed up pair.

 

Did you have therapy today? How did it go? How are YOU doing, my friend?

 

 

How am I. Well actually...not bad. I had a great day yesterday...and today, despite some medical stuff I was dealing with...I had a really good day again. Two in a row.

 

Like Fallen Angel I do better telling other people what to do...me...not so much...LOL.

 

However it is all going better...one day at a time. I am learning how to accept that the time I had with her was special to me...and now it is gone. I need to move forward. Whether that be married or alone. That is truly my focus now. That and my kids.

 

Hope you have a good night crazy. I swear you are like me...but I'm sure much prettier. LOL.

[NowhereToHide]

NTH, I could have written your last comment myself. I feel so confused over everything too. Hope tomorrow will be better for you. But, I am glad that I am not the only messed up one around. LOL

 

Yes... we all make a sad bunch, don't we? You hang in there, too. It can only get better right? (right?)

[NowhereToHide]

How am I. Well actually...not bad. I had a great day yesterday...and today, despite some medical stuff I was dealing with...I had a really good day again. Two in a row.

 

Like Fallen Angel I do better telling other people what to do...me...not so much...LOL.

 

However it is all going better...one day at a time. I am learning how to accept that the time I had with her was special to me...and now it is gone. I need to move forward. Whether that be married or alone. That is truly my focus now. That and my kids.

 

Hope you have a good night crazy. I swear you are like me...but I'm sure much prettier. LOL.

 

Well, being a therapist you would know crazy -- so you have me pegged.

 

I'm glad you're doing well... And TWO days in a row? Now THAT is progress (spoken from one freak to another of course). You are doing the right thing focusing on your marriage and family. No matter what comes out of it you will know that you didn't give up without a fight. And if it turns out you feel your marriage is sound, then it will be all the better for having worked through this.

 

.... see, I, too can give advice better than I can take it.

 

You have a good night, too. I'll probably stick around on the boards later on... you know... to give out the advice that I struggle with taking myself! Talk to you tomorrow.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

i guess the downside to knowing someone so well (AP or not) is that you know how they feel.

 

im trying to start NC. but i also know if he did the same to me it would crush me (as i sit here and wonder if he'll call or write or if hes thought about me like ive thought about him), so i think its normal to feel guilty if you think it might hurt them as much as it hurts you. after all - you love this person.

[NowhereToHide]

DI... you here?

[Devil Inside]

DI... you here?

 

 

I sure am. Man you have been a thread whore here lately :laugh::laugh:

 

Good to see you staying busy...how ya feeling today?

[NowhereToHide]

I sure am. Man you have been a thread whore here lately :laugh::laugh:

 

Good to see you staying busy...how ya feeling today?

 

 

Nice! Another laugh, too! I'd rather you call me a thread vixen, but whore works...

 

I'm doing "okay". Last night I actually went back in my old journal entries from the time he decided to "slow things down"... I was a wreck. In every one of them I was miserable and just wanted the pain to stop. It was really hard reading them. And it made me realize that I've invested far too much in this.

 

Of course, that didn't stop my subconscious from dreaming about him. And of course it was a dream where he expressed his undying love for me... blah, blah, blah. Just what I needed.

 

So I will continue to keep busy today as you've suggested... keep whoring around, maybe even do some laundry (gasp!).

 

How are you doing today? Are we going to make it a trifecta? THREE good days in a row????

[Devil Inside]

Nice! Another laugh, too! I'd rather you call me a thread vixen, but whore works...

 

I'm doing "okay". Last night I actually went back in my old journal entries from the time he decided to "slow things down"... I was a wreck. In every one of them I was miserable and just wanted the pain to stop. It was really hard reading them. And it made me realize that I've invested far too much in this.

 

Of course, that didn't stop my subconscious from dreaming about him. And of course it was a dream where he expressed his undying love for me... blah, blah, blah. Just what I needed.

 

So I will continue to keep busy today as you've suggested... keep whoring around, maybe even do some laundry (gasp!).

 

How are you doing today? Are we going to make it a trifecta? THREE good days in a row????

 

This is why I have gotten rid of all my emails from the affair. I used to write her these long love emails. I know if I read one of those now it would be a very bad thing for me. Don't know how you do it. reading those things...even if they are your words...they were written in that time.

 

How am I. I am fine. I actually am feeling fairly balanced today. Not too many clients to shrink...so I might have to whore it up with you for a bit...these poor people...do they really need both of us projecting all over them

 

So laundry huh...hmmm...I think I have some of that do myself. Maybe between posts.

[NowhereToHide]

This is why I have gotten rid of all my emails from the affair. I used to write her these long love emails. I know if I read one of those now it would be a very bad thing for me. Don't know how you do it. reading those things...even if they are your words...they were written in that time.

 

How am I. I am fine. I actually am feeling fairly balanced today. Not too many clients to shrink...so I might have to whore it up with you for a bit...these poor people...do they really need both of us projecting all over them

 

So laundry huh...hmmm...I think I have some of that do myself. Maybe between posts.

 

 

I think our experiences with our xAPs was different. While we both had the intensity, the connection and the love, I stayed in contact with my ex much longer than you did -- and much longer than was healthy. He handled things so poorly when it ended... revisiting his "imperfection" and "hearing" the pain I was in was actually a bit cathartic. I need the fantasy of him to be muddied. It's almost like the old me talking to the "new" me if that makes sense.

 

And yes, the long love emails... I still have some of those. I don't read them. But damn they were good. I sent a few good ones myself...

 

You're going to do some laundry, huh? Impressive. I don't think my H has seen the inside of a laundry basket since 1998. You truly are a renaissance man! Folding and posting... that's good therapy, right?

 

As for us projecting..... we could post in tandem. Save ourselves the effort since we basically say the same damn thing to everyone!

[Devil Inside]

I think our experiences with our xAPs was different. While we both had the intensity, the connection and the love, I stayed in contact with my ex much longer than you did -- and much longer than was healthy. He handled things so poorly when it ended... revisiting his "imperfection" and "hearing" the pain I was in was actually a bit cathartic. I need the fantasy of him to be muddied. It's almost like the old me talking to the "new" me if that makes sense.

 

OK...I can see that. I wish my xAP had been more of a b!tch or something. I have a hard time taking her off her pedestal...or more like enshrined in a glass case. I guess for me it is less about making her out to be less than, and more about just appreciated whwt it was...and then accepting that it is over. Truth is...if we had met under different circumstance we may have been together now...but we met while married, and that was not a good way to meet. I wasn't willing to take the risk involved to make it happen, and when she sensed that she bailed. It was what it was...and now it is over.

 

 

 

You're going to do some laundry, huh? Impressive. I don't think my H has seen the inside of a laundry basket since 1998. You truly are a renaissance man! Folding and posting... that's good therapy, right?

 

Hey I do it all. I wash dishes, vacuum, mop, bathrooms...whatever...and I have two jobs. I'd be a great husband if I hadn't had cheated.

 

 

As for us projecting..... we could post in tandem. Save ourselves the effort since we basically say the same damn thing to everyone!

 

Oh gosh. Again I feel sorry for these poor people getting advice from the Dynamic Duo. LOL. Maybe we should come up with our own snazzy title and some matching outfits.

[NowhereToHide]

OK...I can see that. I wish my xAP had been more of a b!tch or something. I have a hard time taking her off her pedestal...or more like enshrined in a glass case. I guess for me it is less about making her out to be less than, and more about just appreciated whwt it was...and then accepting that it is over. Truth is...if we had met under different circumstance we may have been together now...but we met while married, and that was not a good way to meet. I wasn't willing to take the risk involved to make it happen, and when she sensed that she bailed. It was what it was...and now it is over.

 

Hey I do it all. I wash dishes, vacuum, mop, bathrooms...whatever...and I have two jobs. I'd be a great husband if I hadn't had cheated.

 

Oh gosh. Again I feel sorry for these poor people getting advice from the Dynamic Duo. LOL. Maybe we should come up with our own snazzy title and some matching outfits.

 

 

Stop trying to make me swoon.

 

I think the "reality" of my AP is a gift to help me get through it. If I actually felt in my heart that he was perfect for me, I'd be struggling even more. If I look closely at his words and actions, he's given me everything I need to move forward knowing that I'm doing the right thing. I think I'm a touch OCD so I tend to obsess about the good stuff and forget about the bad stuff, at least initially. You sound much stronger. It continues to give me hope about going NC.

 

Snazzy outfits! Now you're talking! Just what we need... a project. We could be the "shrinky dinks"? I am SO not a therapist. You people scare me...

 

When am I going to get my PM capabilities already?

[Devil Inside]

Stop trying to make me swoon.

 

I think the "reality" of my AP is a gift to help me get through it. If I actually felt in my heart that he was perfect for me, I'd be struggling even more. If I look closely at his words and actions, he's given me everything I need to move forward knowing that I'm doing the right thing. I think I'm a touch OCD so I tend to obsess about the good stuff and forget about the bad stuff, at least initially. You sound much stronger. It continues to give me hope about going NC.

 

Snazzy outfits! Now you're talking! Just what we need... a project. We could be the "shrinky dinks"? I am SO not a therapist. You people scare me...

 

When am I going to get my PM capabilities already?

 

Trust me...I am not swoon worthy.

 

You....OCD...really?

 

I hear you. I was like that initially. I really needed to feel like i had not let the perfect woman just walk out of my life. Here's the thing for me though...there is no perfect woman...there is no soul mate. There are many women that would be a great match for me...and one of them is my wife. Another was my xAP. However...giving it a try with my wife yields greater rewards...like being an everyday dad to my little kids. I also know, however, that if it comes to it...I won't stay with my wife just because either. This is me at 11 weeks NC. Week 1...well...I thought I was going to die.

 

As for our team name...shrinky dinks...really...um...as a guy...just saying...that name doesn't exactly make me feel very masculine :laugh:

 

Why do therapists scare you? We are nice people. Messed up a little...but nice.

 

I thik you get PM capabilities a month after joining..and after 50 posts. I don't think the posts are going to be a problem.

[Athena]

Nowheretohide, I am kinda glad you don't have PM yet -- that way I can eavesdrop on the two of you for now! It's all good

[NowhereToHide]

Trust me...I am not swoon worthy.

 

You....OCD...really?

 

I hear you. I was like that initially. I really needed to feel like i had not let the perfect woman just walk out of my life. Here's the thing for me though...there is no perfect woman...there is no soul mate. There are many women that would be a great match for me...and one of them is my wife. Another was my xAP. However...giving it a try with my wife yields greater rewards...like being an everyday dad to my little kids. I also know, however, that if it comes to it...I won't stay with my wife just because either. This is me at 11 weeks NC. Week 1...well...I thought I was going to die.

 

As for our team name...shrinky dinks...really...um...as a guy...just saying...that name doesn't exactly make me feel very masculine :laugh:

 

Why do therapists scare you? We are nice people. Messed up a little...but nice.

 

I thik you get PM capabilities a month after joining..and after 50 posts. I don't think the posts are going to be a problem.

 

 

Hmmm... my OCD is that apparent? Damn. I thought I was keeping it well hidden. To be fair, though, it's not like I'm washing my hands 200 times a day.... I'm only a freak on the inside (just wanted to clear THAT up).

 

Yes, I can see how anything with the word "shrink" might not make you feel manly. However, for me I think it's quite appropriate given that attribute in my xAP At least I can still laugh about it all, right?

 

Just kidding about you therapists scaring me. I love my therapist... she was a life saver for me during my darkest days. I owe her a lot. I think it takes a LOT of patience to do what you do. I've often thought about what my therapist tells her husband about me... "she came in crying AGAIN, and STILL can't let go of her AP! It's been SIX months!". If I was my therapist, I would have poked myself in my eyes... repeatedly.

 

It's funny you say that about soul mates. I NEVER believed in the notion until I met HIM. Then I thought, THIS must be what everyone is talking about! But you are exactly right (once again).... there are many people that would be a good match for me, he was just one of them. He offered me different things, not necessarily better. It's just so damn hard to let go of the fantasy... and those unbelievable feelings. I know they're not sustainable. I know he's not perfect. I know we would have had issues. It's just letting go of the "what might have been".

 

I was thinking of signing up for the premium subscription to get PM, but I can't be that far away from one month of membership. I can't remember when I joined actually. Yeah, and I know I'm way up there with the posts. But didn't you have something like 700 in your first month??? Project much?

 

What time do you go to work, my renaissance man-friend?