How is it I'm feeling guilty?

[NowhereToHide]

Nowheretohide, I am kinda glad you don't have PM yet -- that way I can eavesdrop on the two of you for now! It's all good

 

Athena, you're too funny!

 

How are YOU doing? Any more cryptic messages from the hubby you need to have analyzed?

[Athena]

Athena, you're too funny!

 

How are YOU doing? Any more cryptic messages from the hubby you need to have analyzed?

 

I am fine, thanks! Just trying to study in my bedroom now, instead of the study because I am a little too addicted to LS ha ha and my exam is in about four hours time...

 

No more emails from H...

 

Tomorrow I will have time to post more! Hope you have a great afternoon... ttyl

[Devil Inside]

Uh oh....looks like Athena is our chaperon. I better make sure there is room for the holy spirit between us when we slow dance :laugh:

 

Athena...please...save us from our ranting...join in.

 

 

Hmmm... my OCD is that apparent? Damn. I thought I was keeping it well hidden. To be fair, though, it's not like I'm washing my hands 200 times a day.... I'm only a freak on the inside (just wanted to clear THAT up).

 

I just wanted to point out that you call yourself a freak quite a bit.

 

 

 

Yes, I can see how anything with the word "shrink" might not make you feel manly. However, for me I think it's quite appropriate given that attribute in my xAP At least I can still laugh about it all, right?

 

Oh that poor man. If he ever knew that you outed him that way he would shrink up and die...whoops...no pun intended. Seriously...that is the one place to hurt a man...say he was teeny and no good in bed.

 

 

It's funny you say that about soul mates. I NEVER believed in the notion until I met HIM. Then I thought, THIS must be what everyone is talking about!

 

I had the same experience. She and I used to say how we used to hate Valentines day and blah...and then we met each other and knew. Yeah right!

 

 

But you are exactly right (once again).... there are many people that would be a good match for me, he was just one of them. He offered me different things, not necessarily better. It's just so damn hard to let go of the fantasy... and those unbelievable feelings. I know they're not sustainable. I know he's not perfect. I know we would have had issues. It's just letting go of the "what might have been".

 

It is hard to let go of that feeling...even if you know it wasn't sustainable or created in a real environment. That is the addictive part.

 

 

 

I was thinking of signing up for the premium subscription to get PM, but I can't be that far away from one month of membership. I can't remember when I joined actually. Yeah, and I know I'm way up there with the posts. But didn't you have something like 700 in your first month??? Project much?

 

I think if you look at your profile page you can see when you joined. Besides, patience is a good thing...especially for you missy. Besides, I thik we entertain the masses with our project-o-fest. As for me projecting...ahhh....yeah..it's like my hobby.

 

 

What time do you go to work, my renaissance man-friend?

 

Soon enough...why want to get rid of me already?

[Devil Inside]

I am fine, thanks! Just trying to study in my bedroom now, instead of the study because I am a little too addicted to LS ha ha and my exam is in about four hours time...

 

No more emails from H...

 

Tomorrow I will have time to post more! Hope you have a great afternoon... ttyl

 

Hey Athena there is a post about addiction going on right now...maybe you should take a look. Heck..I should too.

[NowhereToHide]

Uh oh....looks like Athena is our chaperon. I better make sure there is room for the holy spirit between us when we slow dance :laugh:

 

Athena...please...save us from our ranting...join in.

 

I just wanted to point out that you call yourself a freak quite a bit.

 

Yes, you are right. My therapist has actually told me that, in all of her years of work, she has never had anyone who is as hard on themselves as I am. Quite a distinction, don't you think? I AM working on it. And it's good to be reminded of it. Thank you.

 

Oh that poor man. If he ever knew that you outed him that way he would shrink up and die...whoops...no pun intended. Seriously...that is the one place to hurt a man...say he was teeny and no good in bed.

 

If you want to remain my friend, you will never, ever, refer to him again as "that poor man". I know, it's terrible of me to say all of that. I would never say it to him of course... I could never hurt him in that way. It was just so surprising that it didn't end up being awesome in that area as well.

 

I think if you look at your profile page you can see when you joined. Besides, patience is a good thing...especially for you missy. Besides, I thik we entertain the masses with our project-o-fest. As for me projecting...ahhh....yeah..it's like my hobby.

 

Patience IS a good thing for me, it is NOT however one of my strengths (yes, I know you have me figured out all ready). It's good to know we are entertaining -- at least to Athena. But then again, she is studying some SERIOUS equations right now, so she's probably mentally exhausted and isn't really capable of evaluating us correctly!

 

What time do you go to work, my renaissance man-friend?

Soon enough...why want to get rid of me already?

 

Of course not! This is fun! Plus, I'm feeling better already. It's getting my day off to a good start. Witty banter is like therapy (and a lot less expensive I'm learning).

 

And that "Holy Spirit" reference, did you go to Catholic School?

 

Okay, a serious question. As I was reading through my journals last night I was struck by how much the rejection was causing me so much pain. Even though it was ME that said I wouldn't leave my family for him, he was the one that ended it. Did you feel that at all? It sounds like yours was mutual? I have so much abandonment crap from my childhood. I wish there was a way for me to reframe it all in a way that makes sense to me.

[Devil Inside]

 

And that "Holy Spirit" reference, did you go to Catholic School?

 

Okay, a serious question. As I was reading through my journals last night I was struck by how much the rejection was causing me so much pain. Even though it was ME that said I wouldn't leave my family for him, he was the one that ended it. Did you feel that at all? It sounds like yours was mutual? I have so much abandonment crap from my childhood. I wish there was a way for me to reframe it all in a way that makes sense to me.

 

OK...last post...then I have to go to work.

 

I did not go to Catholic school...but many of my friends did. They used to tell me about that.

 

So my situation was somewhat similar. I would never commit to leaving my family. She never gave me an ultimatum...but I think she had one for herself. So one day she just started to change. looking back I should have known it was coming. We had a trip planned for a couple weeks later..and sure enough it happened then. She said she could no longer be an OW...and that since I never left for her...that she knew I would never do it now. She was right...I didn't argue...but it hurt...I felt dumped..I felt abandoned.

 

Like you...I have abandonment issues from childhood. I have always had a terrible time with break ups...whether I initiated them or not. This was horrible. Even though I was to blame for the end...I mean she left her husband...I still felt like she was leaving me abandoned. I reverted back to the inner child. The adult could see why it happened..and see that it was probably for the best. The little boy, however, was crying, feeling alone, and wanting comfort.

[NowhereToHide]

OK...last post...then I have to go to work.

 

I did not go to Catholic school...but many of my friends did. They used to tell me about that.

 

So my situation was somewhat similar. I would never commit to leaving my family. She never gave me an ultimatum...but I think she had one for herself. So one day she just started to change. looking back I should have known it was coming. We had a trip planned for a couple weeks later..and sure enough it happened then. She said she could no longer be an OW...and that since I never left for her...that she knew I would never do it now. She was right...I didn't argue...but it hurt...I felt dumped..I felt abandoned.

 

Like you...I have abandonment issues from childhood. I have always had a terrible time with break ups...whether I initiated them or not. This was horrible. Even though I was to blame for the end...I mean she left her husband...I still felt like she was leaving me abandoned. I reverted back to the inner child. The adult could see why it happened..and see that it was probably for the best. The little boy, however, was crying, feeling alone, and wanting comfort.

 

 

Okay, have a good day at work mister.

 

We can continue our self-analysis later....

[NowhereToHide]

I am fine, thanks! Just trying to study in my bedroom now, instead of the study because I am a little too addicted to LS ha ha and my exam is in about four hours time...

 

No more emails from H...

 

Tomorrow I will have time to post more! Hope you have a great afternoon... ttyl

 

Athena -- GOOD LUCK on your exam! Let us know how it goes!

[Spoiled]

Hmmm... my OCD is that apparent? Damn. I thought I was keeping it well hidden. To be fair, though, it's not like I'm washing my hands 200 times a day.... I'm only a freak on the inside (just wanted to clear THAT up).

 

Yes, I can see how anything with the word "shrink" might not make you feel manly. However, for me I think it's quite appropriate given that attribute in my xAP At least I can still laugh about it all, right?

 

Just kidding about you therapists scaring me. I love my therapist... she was a life saver for me during my darkest days. I owe her a lot. I think it takes a LOT of patience to do what you do. I've often thought about what my therapist tells her husband about me... "she came in crying AGAIN, and STILL can't let go of her AP! It's been SIX months!". If I was my therapist, I would have poked myself in my eyes... repeatedly.

 

It's funny you say that about soul mates. I NEVER believed in the notion until I met HIM. Then I thought, THIS must be what everyone is talking about! But you are exactly right (once again).... there are many people that would be a good match for me, he was just one of them. He offered me different things, not necessarily better. It's just so damn hard to let go of the fantasy... and those unbelievable feelings. I know they're not sustainable. I know he's not perfect. I know we would have had issues. It's just letting go of the "what might have been".

 

I was thinking of signing up for the premium subscription to get PM, but I can't be that far away from one month of membership. I can't remember when I joined actually. Yeah, and I know I'm way up there with the posts. But didn't you have something like 700 in your first month??? Project much?

 

What time do you go to work, my renaissance man-friend?

 

The hand washing, that's me.

 

You all made me feel better reading this thread, too funny. DI mentioned if he had met his xOW at a different time, things may have been different. And you felt like you had met your soul mate. I struggle deeply with this at times because my xAP and I met shortly before our marriages, we were both engaged. I hid mine better but could tell he was interested in me when we first met. And later discovered we both had misconceptions about the other in regards to what characteristics appealed to us. This is how it all started, discussing what we felt for one another long ago and our past family experiences together. Throughout the entire A, I pondered whether or not I married the wrong person because I had doubts before the wedding. My xAP was the only other man who truly peaked my interest than my H, and being engaged at the time, it scared me. I never had a problem getting a date, I was very picky and this person other than my fiance was interesting. Like many, I wanted him to become hateful toward me to make it easier to let go. That never happened.

 

Oh well, hope everyone is feeling better today.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Nice! Another laugh, too! I'd rather you call me a thread vixen, but whore works...

I'm doing "okay". Last night I actually went back in my old journal entries from the time he decided to "slow things down"... I was a wreck. In every one of them I was miserable and just wanted the pain to stop. It was really hard reading them. And it made me realize that I've invested far too much in this.

Of course, that didn't stop my subconscious from dreaming about him. And of course it was a dream where he expressed his undying love for me... blah, blah, blah. Just what I needed.

So I will continue to keep busy today as you've suggested... keep whoring around, maybe even do some laundry (gasp!).

How are you doing today? Are we going to make it a trifecta? THREE good days in a row????

 

Jeeze, just out of an affair and your already trying to start up something with DI.

[Fallen Angel]

Jeeze, just out of an affair and your already trying to start up something with DI.

 

LMAO! I was thinking the same thing ! (I think part of ALL of our problems is that we all border on overly flirtatious without meaning to sometimes... we have boundary issues)

 

Not a jab at ya, just an observation... I could see myself doing the same thing with another poster on another thread last night, just got up and walked away from puter for about 30 minutes to collect myself... it is so easy to fall into that "needing validation" and when it comes from someone of the oposite sex we RUN WITH IT!

[Untouchable_Fire]

LMAO! I was thinking the same thing ! (I think part of ALL of our problems is that we all border on overly flirtatious without meaning to sometimes... we have boundary issues)

Not a jab at ya, just an observation... I could see myself doing the same thing with another poster on another thread last night, just got up and walked away from puter for about 30 minutes to collect myself... it is so easy to fall into that "needing validation" and when it comes from someone of the oposite sex we RUN WITH IT!

 

I was mostly joking.

 

I think NWH should put some thought into this though. Why? Because the internal issues that created the affair in the firstplace still exist... even though somewhat exposed.

 

Besides... I don't think her problem is really her problem. I get the strong impression that the factors that she thinks lead to her affair are not exactly the issue.

[Devil Inside]

LMAO! I was thinking the same thing ! (I think part of ALL of our problems is that we all border on overly flirtatious without meaning to sometimes... we have boundary issues)

 

Not a jab at ya, just an observation... I could see myself doing the same thing with another poster on another thread last night, just got up and walked away from puter for about 30 minutes to collect myself... it is so easy to fall into that "needing validation" and when it comes from someone of the oposite sex we RUN WITH IT!

 

What? Me a flirt...never

 

It's true. I have a big personality...and I'm sure it may be out of check sometimes.

 

NTH...if I offended...sorry. I will be a good boy...promise.

[Fallen Angel]

What? Me a flirt...never

 

It's true. I have a big personality...and I'm sure it may be out of check sometimes.

 

NTH...if I offended...sorry. I will be a good boy...promise.

 

I really don't think either of you have overstepped any boundaries, YET.

 

I just wanted to point out that it is SO EASY for some of us to step over without meaning to. Just pointing out a potential pitfall to your recovery.

 

As it is being discussed in the "addiction" thread, it is easy to transfer those feelings from one person to another when you are needing to feed the addiction. Just be careful my friends. ((HUGS))

[NowhereToHide]

What? Me a flirt...never

 

It's true. I have a big personality...and I'm sure it may be out of check sometimes.

 

NTH...if I offended...sorry. I will be a good boy...promise.

 

 

Good God. I leave the boards for a few hours and I really am pegged as the "board whore".

 

People. Most of my friends are male. What I've engaged in here with him is not uncommon for me -- I have a friendly relationship with lots of guy-friends. The guy I happened to have an affair with was NEVER my friend. We didn't start out that way.

 

I enjoy witty banter. DI and I have similar stories. He has helped me tremendously in going NC and in doing what I've needed to do for myself.

 

DI, you never offended me.

 

I think everyone on here might be a bit TOO sensitive to the topic under discussion in my opinion.

[NowhereToHide]

I was mostly joking.

 

I think NWH should put some thought into this though. Why? Because the internal issues that created the affair in the firstplace still exist... even though somewhat exposed.

 

Besides... I don't think her problem is really her problem. I get the strong impression that the factors that she thinks lead to her affair are not exactly the issue.

 

 

I would LOVE to hear what you think is my problem and what you think *I* think is my problem.

[NowhereToHide]

LMAO! I was thinking the same thing ! (I think part of ALL of our problems is that we all border on overly flirtatious without meaning to sometimes... we have boundary issues)

 

Not a jab at ya, just an observation... I could see myself doing the same thing with another poster on another thread last night, just got up and walked away from puter for about 30 minutes to collect myself... it is so easy to fall into that "needing validation" and when it comes from someone of the oposite sex we RUN WITH IT!

 

 

What I've been looking for... and what most of us are looking for... IS validation. But it's not the validation that you're thinking. It's the validation that this pain will end, that my story isn't unique, that going NC is the right choice, that my feelings about my xAP aren't skewed. Yes I need validation through this really hard time. But it's not the kind of validation I got from my xAP.

[Fallen Angel]

Good God. I leave the boards for a few hours and I really am pegged as the "board whore".

 

People. Most of my friends are male. What I've engaged in here with him is not uncommon for me -- I have a friendly relationship with lots of guy-friends. The guy I happened to have an affair with was NEVER my friend. We didn't start out that way.

 

I enjoy witty banter. DI and I have similar stories. He has helped me tremendously in going NC and in doing what I've needed to do for myself.

 

DI, you never offended me.

 

I think everyone on here might be a bit TOO sensitive to the topic under discussion in my opinion.

 

I want to be clear that I see nothing wrong in the exchanges between you and DI.. I am just stating that from an outsiders point of veiw they seem a bit flirty.

 

I see in myself the possiblity of becoming overly close with some of the people on these boards myself someday when i am ready to jump in with both feet as you and DI have done.

 

I have the "maiden in distress syndrome", I want to be rescued. I know this, and so maybe I am projecting my own fears about my possible future pitfalls on to you.

 

DI also struggles with "knight in shining armour syndrome" he has talked about it in other threads. You are both in a vulnerable state, I only said what i have because I am concerned. Not in an attempt to pass judgement. I have no room to judge ANYONE. I was just stating my concern, and I hope I did not offend either of you.

[Devil Inside]

I want to be clear that I see nothing wrong in the exchanges between you and DI.. I am just stating that from an outsiders point of veiw they seem a bit flirty.

 

I see in myself the possiblity of becoming overly close with some of the people on these boards myself someday when i am ready to jump in with both feet as you and DI have done.

 

I have the "maiden in distress syndrome", I want to be rescued. I know this, and so maybe I am projecting my own fears about my possible future pitfalls on to you.

 

DI also struggles with "knight in shining armour syndrome" he has talked about it in other threads. You are both in a vulnerable state, I only said what i have because I am concerned. Not in an attempt to pass judgement. I have no room to judge ANYONE. I was just stating my concern, and I hope I did not offend either of you.

 

Fallen Angel...you are looking out for people's emotions and vulnerabilities. I see nothing wrong with that. It is your nature to be a caring person...thank you for caring.

[Devil Inside]

Good God. I leave the boards for a few hours and I really am pegged as the "board whore".

 

People. Most of my friends are male. What I've engaged in here with him is not uncommon for me -- I have a friendly relationship with lots of guy-friends. The guy I happened to have an affair with was NEVER my friend. We didn't start out that way.

 

I enjoy witty banter. DI and I have similar stories. He has helped me tremendously in going NC and in doing what I've needed to do for myself.

 

DI, you never offended me.

 

I think everyone on here might be a bit TOO sensitive to the topic under discussion in my opinion.

 

 

I don't think it's come to you being a board whore..so slow down sister.

 

I think people are just looking out.

 

Like NTH has said...we do have a very similar experience..and it has been healing to talk to someone else that is so intense with this process of recovery.

 

I'm glad I didn't offend. Besides...I would be sad to have to end my witty banter with you...it helps me from being so somber all the time.

[Devil Inside]

DI also struggles with "knight in shining armour syndrome" he has talked about it in other threads. You are both in a vulnerable state, I only said what i have because I am concerned. Not in an attempt to pass judgement. I have no room to judge ANYONE. I was just stating my concern, and I hope I did not offend either of you.

 

Someone has been doing there homework. FA you are a very intelligent and insightful woman.

 

Now I need to do my homework and read that dang e-book you keep talking about already.

[bluegreen12]

I've been madly posting on here all day today to keep myself from contacting my xAP who I just went NC.

 

And I'm actually feeling guilty for instituting NC... actually starting to worry that I've "hurt" him. How sick is that?

 

I know this is for the best. NC has just (hopefully temporarily) ramped up my obsessing about him.

 

Damn it I wish this was easier.

 

Does your H know about your affair?

[NowhereToHide]

Does your H know about your affair?

 

No, he doesn't.

[boldjack]

NH, it is pointless to talk about your A and about reconnecting to you H until you allow you aH to have enough information to be able to make HIS decision. By not telling him, you are taking away his rights as a person, for your own selfish reasons. If you trully love him, you need to give him back his rights as a man.

[NowhereToHide]

NH, it is pointless to talk about your A and about reconnecting to you H until you allow you aH to have enough information to be able to make HIS decision. By not telling him, you are taking away his rights as a person, for your own selfish reasons. If you trully love him, you need to give him back his rights as a man.

 

 

Hi Boldjack... I just replied to your comment about this on the other thread.

 

I know how you and most everyone else feels about telling the BS. I get it. And not telling my H isn't a decision I came to lightly. I know I'm in the minority here, trust me.