Chick friend got dumped, she's a trainwreck - but we both like each other

[KingCrimson]

'm 23, she's 24. She and her friends have been part of my circle of friends for over a year. Hung out a lot (usually every weekend or every other weekend), usually involving group things like house parties, going to the bars, drinking at my house, concerts, beach trips, etc..

 

She's had a BF for the past 6 months, they liked to do their separate things, as she'd still come out to party with us and I think I'd only met her BF twice.

 

I don't know when or how I started liking her. She was even potentially going to be a roommate along with me and my 4 other roommates, but we could only find a 5 bedroom house. I guess a light in my brain just clicked one day saying, "Hey, out of all the girls that we've met or still hang out with, this one's actually smart and fun to hang out with. I think she's probably the only one I'd date out of all the girls we know". This was a few months ago. But the BF problem... so I put that on the backburner.

 

A few months ago she admitted to liking me and thinking I was cute. Asked her why nothin happened earlier, said we never spent "quality time". Says up how I never offered to take her for a ride in my new car (we're both into cars, and I'd just bought a new M3). This was at a bar.

 

That night my roommates, her friend, and her, are back at our place after the bars. We're all drunk. She's been flirty the whole night, lying on me in the cab ride back. She's hinting she needs a real place to crash rather than the couch. Winds up in my bed, but right after has a change of heart, says she can't do it, says she loves her BF, blah blah, then gets up and crashes on the couch.

 

Well, turns out she just got dumped by this BF two weeks ago cause he's moving away. Now, she's all depressed, crying, and hasn't come out at all. Her friend finally convinced her to come out and party with us this Friday, and she did but you could tell she was still a mess - wasn't dancing, unusually quiet, hardly drank, and then started crying again later at night.

 

Her roomate (who's a dude and another friend of ours and my co-worker - they both moved to the city, and since I already had 4 roommates, we all decided they'd get a double apt together), says she's also just been a mess lately, bitching constantly, crying, etc...

 

We were hanging out with one of her friends this Sat, and her friend randomly asked me "Would you date [girl's name here]?" I said "Yea why not, I mean it's pretty obvious I've wanted to". Her friend said she'd asked her the same thing about me and the girl had said "I don't know"(about dating me) and was still upset over being dumped.

 

 

So how should I proceed?

 

Call her up and now ask her out on a date/do something 1 on 1? Wait and try to get her to come out one of these coming weekends with all of our other friends and see if she's still a trainwreck? Or lay low and don't contact her, hoping she'll come around?

[SweetFla]

I think the going out with a group of friends thing isn't working. .she's already told you that you haven't spent "quality time" together. Why don't you call her up for a 1 on 1. . but maybe you could take the pressure off by saying s.thing along the lines of, "I've heard you've been going through a rough time lately. . was thinking you could use a friend, wanna get together maybe for coffee / drinks or something". I say this b/c she might say no if it feels like a date in light of the fact that she's still recovering from her recent break up and obviously needs some time before jumping into another relationship.

 

She may like you as more than a friend. . but I wouldn't rush it; you don't want to be her "rebound guy". Be there as a friend, don't make any moves, get to know her better 1 on 1, give her some time, and see where it goes.

 

Good luck!

[KingCrimson]

Ok, we're set for next week. Shot her a text and asked if she wanted to go to this weekly nightlife event in the city. I know this has been something she's wanted to check out. It's a science museum, but it's at night and they serve alcohol, have DJs, and special exhibits... along w/ a rooftop deck with awesome views of the city and telescopes

 

I suggested this Thursday, but she's out of town and said she'd still like to go some other time. I said why not next Thursday and she said it should work. So, here's to her not flaking or showing up with baggage intact.

 

My questions now are...

 

1. Do I chat with her in the meanwhile via Facebook Chat or texts? I've never been one to waste time on AIM/facebook/gmail/texting and chatting with friends - guys and girls. Usually it's just to make plans, see what people are up to on the weekends. Otherwise just real life socialization, mostly on weekends.

 

2. How do I act next Thursday? Openly flirt both verbally and physically? Play it safe and just be friendly/platonic and wait for her to make the move?

 

3. This is tricky. I've had some friends say yes, some no. Do I ask her how she's feeling or holding up? Obviously this relates to her getting dumped. Some had said dont bring up anything related to that at all - her feelings, how she was depressed, her exBF, anything. Some had said it might be thoughtful to ask her, console her, be her "shoulder to cry on", show her i have a caring side... but this just seems too pussy to me.

[SweetFla]

1) if you see her online or if you want to send her a casual text to say hi, I don't see how you could go wrong.

 

2) Be yourself next Thursday, and feel her out as best you can. If she seems distant/not happy, then I wouldn't get into the flirting thing, but would instead just try to have a good time as friends, not making any moves. I think it's best to take the cues from her.

 

3) I wouldn't ask her about her ex unless she brings it up and wants to talk about it, OR if she's obviously not herself b/c of her breakup. I don't know who's been telling you it's "pussy" to be the shoulder to cry on, but I'd venture to say it's guys telling you that. . .girls generally don't think that way. To the contrary, most women appreciate a shoulder to cry on / someone to confide in, especially when it comes to s.one we're in a relationship with (or s.one we're contemplating being in a relationship with)

[carhill]

It's not so much 'pussy' as inappropriate. This young man is not a long-time friend and I'll bet she doesn't even know his parents or family. It is quite appropriate for friends to 'be there' for each other. It's healthy. OP, tell me, when has this young lady ever 'been there' for you? Listened to your dating troubles, commiserated over the death of a beloved pet, etc? Probably never. That's OK. She's not a friend, but rather a dating prospect. Let some other guy (that was me in my past life) or her girlfriends be her tampon. Equal relationships are healthy relationships, IMO. Friends or lovers