FeelingLonely98 Posted October 24, 2009 Share Posted October 24, 2009 ... AND GO HAVE SEX WITH OTHER PEOPLE. Yes, yes, and triple yes... OK - I've also been told go have sex by numerous folks. How do I do that? (Serious question!!! don't laugh...). I wouldn't even know how to get from where I am now to the point where she and I are ready to go to bed. I loved having sex with the STBXW. And I miss the physicality and emotions of it now. (A LOT!) I have been with the STBXW for 16 yrs. I feel like I can not trust women. Women my age seem or appear to old for me. <-- Not trying to be prejudiced (ageist?). It is just that everyone tells me I look about 10 yrs younger than my 46. And, I sort of feel like 29 again like I was when I met the STBXW. I have never been to the hospital, ...ETC. Where would I go to meet a woman in her mid-30s that I am attractive to that I would click with and it may end up in bed. I haven't done anything like this in 20 yrs. (I was married 4 yrs. - got divorced and met the STBXW (W2) while separated with W1 and 16 yrs later here I am.) Do I just head out to a bar? The beach? (I was actually going to the beach alone tomorrow to get some sun, run on the sand, CHILL, and read a little, ...) Any adivce folks. Or shold I wait because I am not ready and when I am I will know it?????????? Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted October 24, 2009 Share Posted October 24, 2009 OK - I've also been told go have sex by numerous folks. How do I do that? Well, you start with some booze and then just fold flap A into slot B...... Sorry couldn't resist! Any adivce folks. Or shold I wait because I am not ready and when I am I will know it?????????? I think you answered your own question. Just going out and bedding down to make yourself feel better, isn't fair to you or the woman. You'll know when your ready! I'm not yet! TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
curiou Posted October 24, 2009 Share Posted October 24, 2009 I dragged my best friend here and he's been reading this forum for the last hour--it's mind blowing how many people go through this stuff! I hope he posts his story, it really is quite compelling, well maybe not quite as shocking as Feelinglonely98's story, but you get the drift. Feelinglonely, sex probably won't happen tomorrow or within a week. You kind of have to just get out there and make yourself presentable. Working out is great stress relief and an ego booster when you start seeing your six-pack again. going out with your friends every time they ask will often lead to being introduced to women. If people from work go for drinks at the bar, join them! Network. You can talk about your situation, but I wouldn't focus on it too much. In my opinion, you should allow it to happen if the opportunity presents itself. It may seem very "mature" to "wait it out" until you're "emotionally ready" but I think that advice is hogwash. At this point, there are no marital vows to be upheld. Your STBXW has abandoned the marriage. You have a right to enjoy the intimate company of a woman. It feels good to touch and to be held. Okay I'll just say it. You need to empty your nuts. And face it, you've been through a lifetime of hurts. You aren't going to be "misleading" any woman who knows of your situation. Women aren't stupid. Two consenting adults should know what they're getting into. Sometimes, sex is just sex. It feels great. When I went through this, I was kind of lucky to be in a position where I was surrounded by some women. One, I worked with, and I think she kind of felt sorry for me. We went out, I came home with her, and we screwed. I woke up, and felt great. I know you might not believe this, but it didn't change our relationship at all, and I think we'd still be professional working friends if I didn't move away. another time, I went to a club with a group of people, and one sexy lady in particular was acting a little loose. Hey, I had nothing to lose, and asked her if she wanted to fool around afterwards. She followed me in her car home, and we mind-blowing sex. I mean, multiple position, mutual orgasm, stupid unprotected sex. It was the best sex of my life. There were other opportunities I didn't capitalize on--my acquaintance's sister wanted to go to a movie starring Jason Statham so we went, and during the movie, her hand brushed my bare knee a couple times. maybe I'm reading it wrong, but I think I "coulda" but didn't because I think she was looking for a little more. And if it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen. Doesn't change the fact you're a good guy. don't look back. Life on your terms. You've probably only got one life, and you need to minimize how many months of it you're going to wallow. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MrMayI Posted October 24, 2009 Author Share Posted October 24, 2009 sex really helped me when i was low. even being sort of rejected by my most recent after 3 weeks felt really good. it boosted my esteem right back up. rather, it knocked the dust off of the esteem i had all along. curiou, thanks for posting in here. cheers! Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted October 24, 2009 Share Posted October 24, 2009 it's official today. i just got off the phone with the clerk's office and the judge has signed our divorce. i don't know how i feel about it. life has been pretty damned good, but it's missing something for sure. i saw the ex yesterday for about half an hour, and talked to her on the phone for a while last night. i don't think it's her that i consider to be missing, but something definitely is. Oh MayI, sorry I wasn't here for you when you posted this, too much study. I haven't had chance to catch up on your thread properly either, although I saw something about her making out witha guy outside her work? You've got it tough right now, but you know you deserved beter than this, someone who just walks away from you and your daughter, your family, so much better. Hugs. Link to post Share on other sites
FeelingLonely98 Posted October 25, 2009 Share Posted October 25, 2009 Well, you start with some booze and then just fold flap A into slot B...... Sorry couldn't resist! TOJAZ :laugh::cool: I knew I would get some of that - GOOD - It made me smile. :laugh::cool: Link to post Share on other sites
FeelingLonely98 Posted October 25, 2009 Share Posted October 25, 2009 ...well maybe not quite as shocking as Feelinglonely98's story... YEAH - I have one of the most shocking MF'ing stories. JK - (but I do!) Feelinglonely, sex probably won't happen tomorrow or within a week. You kind of have to just get out there and make yourself presentable. Working out is great stress relief and an ego booster when you start seeing your six-pack again. DEFINITELY - Been working out hard since about the 7th day after STBXW flipped my world upside down. Weights, runnig, sit-ups, ... Started doing 20 situps a day. I used to do 300 every day when in HS and the first few years of college. Now I am up to 120 a day. My goals is to get to 300 again!! At that point the 6-pack may be back? (I am 46 though - not sure if there are 6-packs in middle aged guys!) going out with your friends every time they ask will often lead to being introduced to women. If people from work go for drinks at the bar, join them! Network. You can talk about your situation, but I wouldn't focus on it too much. In my opinion, you should allow it to happen if the opportunity presents itself. Don't laugh but this is hard for me because I do not have friends ... not because I am not personable. But because I work at home for my employer and then I travel out of town to further work. AND, because I revolved the last 16 years of my life around my W and her friends. (They all chose her. I contacted a few - they ended up ignoring my calls. ) I neglected myself. Before I was married I had toins of friends. I've huhg out with my Sister's and their friends a few times ... not the same. I most definitely WILL make some friends of my OWN - just hasn't happened yet. Will be submitting the D papers to the court this week - so a little pre-occupied. It may seem very "mature" to "wait it out" until you're "emotionally ready" but I think that advice is hogwash. At this point, there are no marital vows to be upheld. Your STBXW has abandoned the marriage. You have a right to enjoy the intimate company of a woman. It feels good to touch and to be held. Okay I'll just say it. You need to empty your nuts. And face it, you've been through a lifetime of hurts. You aren't going to be "misleading" any woman who knows of your situation. Women aren't stupid. Two consenting adults should know what they're getting into. Sometimes, sex is just sex. It feels great. I probably would explore this soon but not sure how or when it may happen. I don't want to necessarily go out desperately looking but don't want to be on the sidelines all the time. Like tonight - it's Saturday and I'm here. My two teenage sons are back with my 1st wife. Sisters are busy. Do I go to the movies? Go to a Sports Bar and sit down and have a few beers and see what happens? Tomorrow I'll probably go to the beach by myself to chill, get some sun, Run, read, ... I guess I could also walk up and down the beach and "TRY" to start up a conversation? IDK, I probably sound pathetic, but it's been 20 years since I've even thought about making a "move" on a woman. And if it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen. Doesn't change the fact you're a good guy. don't look back. Life on your terms. You've probably only got one life, and you need to minimize how many months of it you're going to wallow. I wouldn't say I'm "wallowing" anymore. And I definitely am a good guy - all around. I hope it happens. THANKS! PEACE! Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted October 25, 2009 Share Posted October 25, 2009 :laugh::cool: I knew I would get some of that - GOOD - It made me smile. :laugh::cool: Glad I could get you to crack a smile FL. :laugh: Cheer up, and don't worry so much about what other people suggest for you to get over this. You'll know what s right for you, but that may not be right for the next guy. If you think sex will help you heal, then by all means, that has helped a lot of people to let go, I won't deny that. I said what i did, because in your other threads your still focused on the possibility of reconciliation and i wouldn't think you would want that hanging over your head if that where to surface. Besides, it's a temporary fix and for me at least sex is a very emotional thing that i have never taken as anything more then as an expression of love (even though it's fun as hell and sorely missed ) and that is still a ways off for me, but thats just the way I'm wired. Would rather be forced to do the laundry by hand then just jump in the sack to soothe my broken ego. Although i have come real close on a number of occasions, it still felt wrong so i never went through with it. I guess what i'm trying to say with all my rambling is, if the opportunity arises and it feels right for you, then go for it, but don't force yourself into something your not ready for, the cost could be huge. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted October 25, 2009 Share Posted October 25, 2009 I'm going to chime in here on the subject of sex. To some it can be a recreational sport but to others, it's highly emotional. Don't hurt anyone on your quest, that's the main thing, and that includes yourself. Also, if you are going to embark on bedding whoever you can so you can feel good, keep in mind, the next woman that you might be really interested in, may not be too keen on a high number of sexual conquests you've had in order to get over your ex. Could be a deal breaker. It works the other way around as well, women are no different in that regard. Link to post Share on other sites
FeelingLonely98 Posted October 25, 2009 Share Posted October 25, 2009 I said what i did, because in your other threads your still focused on the possibility of reconciliation and i wouldn't think you would want that hanging over your head if that where to surface. Well, tojaz, I don't think a reconciliation is gonna happen now (been in this mindset for 2-3 weeks) and I'm not expecting one. If she came back now it would very hard for me to believe I would take her back (trust, pain, heartache, ... STD????). If I did it would ... WAIT, I won't take her back! Besides, it's a temporary fix and for me at least sex is a very emotional thing that i have never taken as anything more then as an expression of love ... Before my W sex was just an extremely fun non-emotional thing - but with the STBXW for 16 yrs. it was always way more than that. Very emotional, deep and satisfying in a non-physical way. Would rather be forced to do the laundry by hand then just jump in the sack to soothe my broken ego. Although i have come real close on a number of occasions, it still felt wrong so i never went through with it. I guess what i'm trying to say with all my rambling is, if the opportunity arises and it feels right for you, then go for it, but That's a hilarious way to say that tojaz!!!!:p:p:lmao::lmao: You know - I guess we can be personal here - LS is anonymous for the most part. Last time I had S with the STBXW was 20 days before she dropped the bomb which was 57 days ago. In the 30+ days after d-day I did no laundry and the weird thing is during those 30+ days my laundry stayed completely limp all night while I slept. Normally throughout my life (as with any normal guy) my "laundry" would "stand up" tall several times at night. (No more nocturnal er*ct*ons during that time) (They're back now that I'm trying to move on) I guess that was all stress induced?? IS THIS ALL TMI?!?!?!? ...don't force yourself into something your not ready for, the cost could be huge. TOJAZ I think when and "IF" the situation arises I will figure it out. And if I can't then it will be one for the books that I can learn from. TY tojaz. PEACE! Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted October 25, 2009 Share Posted October 25, 2009 Libido goes out the window when you get cheated on. Very common. Good to hear you are getting yours back, and yes, it is a sign of moving on. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted October 25, 2009 Share Posted October 25, 2009 IS THIS ALL TMI?!?!?!? Most of LS is TMI for most. Thats why it's anonymous. I think when and "IF" the situation arises I will figure it out. And if I can't then it will be one for the books that I can learn from. TY tojaz. PEACE! Thats what I was getting at. Do it b ecause it's right for you, not because you think it's a tool to getting over the pain. It won't. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
curiou Posted October 25, 2009 Share Posted October 25, 2009 I'm going to chime in here on the subject of sex. To some it can be a recreational sport but to others, it's highly emotional. Don't hurt anyone on your quest, that's the main thing, and that includes yourself. Also, if you are going to embark on bedding whoever you can so you can feel good, keep in mind, the next woman that you might be really interested in, may not be too keen on a high number of sexual conquests you've had in order to get over your ex. Could be a deal breaker. It works the other way around as well, women are no different in that regard. hopesanddreams, you are absolutely right about women who care about your number of prior sexual partners. I advise FeelingLonely98 to avoid those women Like I said, choose a rational, consenting adult with no pretenses. I had opportunities I chose not to pursue because I felt the other party wanted more. I just wanted sex. And trust me, even though sometimes they're hard to find, there are women out there who aren't hindered by insecurities about your previous partners. I also agree with hopesanddreams, it works both ways with both genders. I'm signing off. Best of luck to you my friend. I don't think I will coming back here to post too much more, so live well no matter what! I hope you will find happiness within yourself soon and knock the snot out of the rest of your life! Link to post Share on other sites
Author MrMayI Posted October 25, 2009 Author Share Posted October 25, 2009 my daughter told me last night when i was getting her out of the bubble bath that her mommy is my girlfriend, and i need to call her. i am hoping she will move past this, and soon. i can't force it though. she's only 4. i think the ex may be saying things to her here and there. don't know though, because i don't want to be that guy. had a pretty good day yesterday. few friends over with kids. lots of kids playing in the yard, the grill fired up, and college football all day. i have to admit, looking at it all from my kitchen window, i missed the ex terribly for a brief moment. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted October 25, 2009 Share Posted October 25, 2009 You think the ex is feeding your DD a little of that girlfriend talk?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author MrMayI Posted October 25, 2009 Author Share Posted October 25, 2009 You think the ex is feeding your DD a little of that girlfriend talk?? i have to wonder, but i just don't know. i felt bad yesterday. the ex and i have been getting along pretty well, but i've dodged her this whole week, and couldn't bring myself to look at her or really even speak when she brought the kid home yesterday. she smiled and waved really big when she got out of the car, but i had my shades on and acted as though i wasn't looking in her direction. i can't see how just a few days ago she was seen with another guy, but would still be feeding our daughter lines like that. on a lighter note, i am totally smitten for a friend of a friend about 100 miles from here. she's a bartender, and she's beautiful, and total opposite of my ex. she tends to be friends with guys like me. for those who have seen me you know what i mean, but tends to go for the preppy types more times than not. i still think i'm going to keep up the pursuit. she texted me at 4:30 in the morning today to tell me she's off work and was i in town and awake. i haven't replied yet. admittedly, a part of me still wants to ask the ex if she's interested in going to dinner sometime to talk. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted October 25, 2009 Share Posted October 25, 2009 I get that, in a similar place myself, wondering about her intentions. If that was what she was after, if she had seen the light so to speak, what would you want after all that has happened, honestly? Link to post Share on other sites
Author MrMayI Posted October 25, 2009 Author Share Posted October 25, 2009 i'd have to really think about it for a long time. i don't even have a desire to physically be with her anymore, but i know if we could each tap back into what made us fall in love in the first place, i wouldn't be able to stop it. i've said it multiple times on here, it just doesn't sadden me anymore, but i have never and don't think i will ever find a girl i'd rather be with for the distance like that. my interests are too varied for most women i meet. i'm not even upset by all of these thoughts, which i am seeing is a very good thing. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted October 25, 2009 Share Posted October 25, 2009 It's a confusing place to be. For me, I met someone (just a friend) that has so much more of what I would want, heart and soul, I see that and how much it means to me, yet I cant shake the draw my ex has on me, I can accept the D and move on little by little, but the what ifs and what was still kick my a$$. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Aksion Posted October 25, 2009 Share Posted October 25, 2009 admittedly, a part of me still wants to ask the ex if she's interested in going to dinner sometime to talk. I haven't been going through this as long as you -- but I still feel the same every now and then. We haven't seen each other since the day she left, and haven't spoke outside of the initial week. I don't feel like I know her anymore, and don't want to be with the woman that has made my life hell -- but I still, like you, feel that if we loved each other so much before, I could see it happening again, and don't think I'd be able to/or want to stop myself. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted October 25, 2009 Share Posted October 25, 2009 I haven't been going through this as long as you -- but I still feel the same every now and then. We haven't seen each other since the day she left, and haven't spoke outside of the initial week. I don't feel like I know her anymore, and don't want to be with the woman that has made my life hell -- but I still, like you, feel that if we loved each other so much before, I could see it happening again, and don't think I'd be able to/or want to stop myself. Thats a good way of looking at it Aksion. The thing i hang on to is being true to myself. I don't want the psycho hose beast she has become to return, I don't need that in my life. Yet if i should get a call from the woman I married and not the one that left, it would still be hard to say no. Hard to trust, but also hard to say no. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Auroracoladybug Posted October 25, 2009 Share Posted October 25, 2009 The what ifs kick all of us in the a$$...I wonder if J is just wanting me around because of the baby...what if we get the divorce and he dissappears on us...at the same time as much as I love him I am an optimist corney I know...Tojaz ask that friend out and spend some time out. I think your x is a crack head and you should send a business like card to her (like she did to you) for the holidays and know that you have done more than enough good deeds for her. MMI & Aksion, if we knew what was that thing that tapped us so deeply with our spouses and could recreate it we all would just to get that happy high. I pray we can all find it again. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted October 25, 2009 Share Posted October 25, 2009 Tojaz ask that friend out and spend some time out. I think your x is a crack head and you should send a business like card to her (like she did to you) for the holidays and know that you have done more than enough good deeds for her. I would ask that friend out if i could. Unfortunately she is in a similar place as me right now and neither of us is really ready for anything like that. Which is a pity, because if we ever had the chance, I think it would be sparks and fireworks. :love: Oh well, such is life. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Auroracoladybug Posted October 25, 2009 Share Posted October 25, 2009 Well I think that it is admirable that you think that much of your friend and when you are ready ask her to go do something off the wall (indoor put put lol)just for some fun not any expectations just fun for friends...you aren't crossing a bridge and burning it...you are just getting some more time with that person you enjoy...but avoid the sparks till you feel you are ready to Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted October 25, 2009 Share Posted October 25, 2009 Well, distance is an issue as well, but i get in contact with her every chance we get. It is a nice thought though. Link to post Share on other sites
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