the finality of divorce...

[tojaz]

i guess it should be mentioned that i'm not sure where it's going still. granted, we spend a little time with one another, we still are apart 90% of the time. i refuse to accept it's totally over, just like i refuse to tell myself we're going to reconcile. i really don't know. i don't think the ex does either.

 

MayI, getting back together is just like the first time. You'll know when you know. Until then, just do what feels right, you've learned a ton in going through this and your going to learn more everyday. As long as you can forgive her (notice i didn't say forget, you never will) and feel that your life together can be stronger then before, then do whats right for you, but answer your questions FIRST!

TOJAZ

[curiou]

Good luck MrMayI. I hope everythings works out for both of you.

[MrMayI]

hi everyone. i haven't updated in a while, so i figured i'd go ahead with that. i'm just about as lonely as i can be right now. i went a little backwards and have started trying to distance myself from the ex. i don't want her to see that she still has this kind of effect on me. the emotions are all my own, and she is not responsible for any of them. i have a constant running dialogue in my head of what i want to say and what i want from all of this. i want my daughter back, full time. i know i have custody of her, but being a part time parent really sucks. i have lost desire to be around friends right now. i spent this entire past weekend pretty much staring at walls. telling myself i need to go christmas shopping, i need to just do SOMETHING! i saw my ex yesterday. i don't think we've had any interaction since shortly after thanksgiving, short of some very brief phone calls. i miss her. still. i don't think it's the same for her. if it is, i wish to god she would hurry up and express this. the holidays are about to be here. it feels like a train is crashing directly at me and all i can do is stand, blankly staring at it. i'm just at a total loss right now. over 6 months since it all began. time is certainly healing the wounds, but there is a piece of me that keeps pulling them back open. i don't know why.

[GoodDad]

MMI,

 

Hang in there brother. What you are feeling is normal and part of the grieving process. It sounds like you were making some forward progress and are taking a dip in the rollercoaster. Its normal man.

 

My suggestion is fake it till you make it. If you need to go shopping for your daughter, make a game out of it. Go do it. Think about how happy she will be with what you get her. Smile a lot. You will find people smiling back at you.

 

Hang in there man. This is just a bump and and perfectly normal. Holiday's can bring anyone down in all our circumstances. You can see it all over the LS board. You aren't alone though. Never forget that.

 

Take care,

 

GD

[curiou]

MrMayI

 

I don't claim to have "right" answers for your situation. I'll just pose questions in hopes they may help your thinking.

 

Have you considered just being more direct with her and asking what her intentions with you are? And possibly outlining exactly what you want in order for reconciliation to occur?

[MrMayI]

MrMayI

 

I don't claim to have "right" answers for your situation. I'll just pose questions in hopes they may help your thinking.

 

Have you considered just being more direct with her and asking what her intentions with you are? And possibly outlining exactly what you want in order for reconciliation to occur?

 

i have curiou. i truly have, and then i realize that a) she left, and i haven't heard anything indicating reconciliation from her. she just seems to be rolling with it all, and b) i'm terrified. what if i'm wrong? what if i didn't wait long enough to really get myself in order? what if X 1,000,000.

 

i just wish she'd be willing to talk it out with me, and i say that without even knowing if she really would be or not.

[2.50 a gallon]

MrMayI

 

Sounds like she is showing her true colors. You left the door open, and I am sorry to say it does appear that she is not knocking. Think about it, it was an opportunity to her to get closer to her child. It's better you learn now than later when you could have been in deeper.

 

It is time to once again protect yourself and the little one. Shields up, arm the photon torpedos, and bunker down. It might be another ride.

 

Gallon

[MrMayI]

MrMayI

 

Sounds like she is showing her true colors. You left the door open, and I am sorry to say it does appear that she is not knocking. Think about it, it was an opportunity to her to get closer to her child. It's better you learn now than later when you could have been in deeper.

 

It is time to once again protect yourself and the little one. Shields up, arm the photon torpedos, and bunker down. It might be another ride.

 

Gallon

 

this. this is what i'm starting to feel. i won't get myself so far down about it now. i've grown accustomed to it. if i give attention, she gives back. i still don't understand what the point of her placing herself around me is. it's not to torture me. it's not to hurt me. i wonder if it's to feel it all out. to give it time. i can't help but wonder that. i don't know divorced people like this, personally. i just don't see the kindness, the hugging, the smiling and talking going on between the divorced people i know. even with kids. god, just let this **** end. enough is enough! that's probably like the 10th time i've said that.

[Gunny376]

What you fail to understand and comprehend is that you as a man have an overwhelming and compelling need to make sense which women don't.

 

That is to say that men and women's minds are hard wired differently. And there are those that are in between. Its not an absolute. There are women that are more masculine than feminine ~ because of how they're brains are hard wired, just as there are men that are more femininie than masculine ~ again because of how there brains are hard wired.

 

Probally why SHB is having such a hard time over her break up.

 

Factor in the societial and cultural aspects of it ~ and its no wonder you brain goes tilt.

 

I mean stop and think about it for a moment? We're suppose to live our lives according to the ethics and morals of some sheep herders from a couple of thousands of years ago?

 

Take it for what it is ~ as it is ~ LIFE!

 

She comes? She Goes?

 

It matters not.

 

Live your life!

 

Live it to its top!

 

Live it to its fullnest!!!!!

 

Live it for yourself!

[MrMayI]

What you fail to understand and comprehend is that you as a man have an overwhelming and compelling need to make sense which women don't.

 

That is to say that men and women's minds are hard wired differently. And there are those that are in between. Its not an absolute. There are women that are more masculine than feminine ~ because of how they're brains are hard wired, just as there are men that are more femininie than masculine ~ again because of how there brains are hard wired.

 

Probally why SHB is having such a hard time over her break up.

 

Factor in the societial and cultural aspects of it ~ and its no wonder you brain goes tilt.

 

I mean stop and think about it for a moment? We're suppose to live our lives according to the ethics and morals of some sheep herders from a couple of thousands of years ago?

 

Take it for what it is ~ as it is ~ LIFE!

 

She comes? She Goes?

 

It matters not.

 

Live your life!

 

Live it to its top!

 

Live it to its fullnest!!!!!

 

Live it for yourself!

 

 

the kick in the ol' ass i needed today. thanks Gunny!

[GoodDad]

Gunny nailed it, but I got some good advice before that trying to rationally figure out an irrational person is impossible and will drive you crazy.

 

At this point you can't figure out her motivations MMI so just keep focusing on getting yours solidified in what you want and keep moving forward and healing.

 

It's a long process man. Some days will be harder than others, but you are strong and can do it!

 

GD

[MrMayI]

Gunny nailed it, but I got some good advice before that trying to rationally figure out an irrational person is impossible and will drive you crazy.

 

At this point you can't figure out her motivations MMI so just keep focusing on getting yours solidified in what you want and keep moving forward and healing.

 

It's a long process man. Some days will be harder than others, but you are strong and can do it!

 

GD

 

thanks, gd. this is just what i'm trying to do. everyday i wish upon something for her to "snap to". i know that's not going to happen. all i can do is keep on moving forward, and if the day of reconciliation is going to find us, it will. no amount of force or pressure will make it happen at this point.

[MrMayI]

today, it's just not possible. i'm spent. i have to be totally honest with myself. i want to reconcile. i want to go back in and try to do it right this time. i'm out of love, but still love her enough to not want to completely close the door. oh, i wish i knew if she felt the same. i wish i knew if she didn't. i really don't think she knows, but is not closing the door either. i could be wrong. i don't want to sit down and have "the talk" just yet, because i don't have all my eggs into one basket. i just know i miss her, i love her (still), and i'm willing to put things back in order with her if she's willing.

 

unfortunately, i have nothing new to report. the holiday time is eating me alive. i get sadder by the day. my daughter is doing great, both in school and just life in general. she still tells me she wants mommy to come home, but i can't change that. she wants what she wants. i don't encourage it though. sometimes it's hard not to say "me too", but i know that'll only confuse things for her even more. the coaster has been ongoing for 7 months and has only slowed long enough for me to sign divorce papers.

[soheartbroken]

all i can do is keep on moving forward, and if the day of reconciliation is going to find us, it will. no amount of force or pressure will make it happen at this point.

 

Sorry you're having a tough time MMI. I think what you wrote above is the way to go.

 

I know you're going to make it through this.

[MrMayI]

hi everyone. i just have run out of what to say or do. the majority here were right. the om from pre-divorce and my ex are together. at least in his mind, because he tells her he loves her, and i think it's safe to assume she tells him the same. my head is where all of the pain has gone. i'm happy to say my heart feels pretty in tact, but i'm still devastated. the ex has not relented from putting herself around me. from being actively involved in my life. those days are gone. i will now go back to the LC/NC push and force her out of my life, not my daughter's. we had our little girls' birthday party yesterday. hell of a time to find out what i know now. i never even got the chance to ask. she would've just lied anyway. wow. i tried convincing myself that we may break the cycle and actually reinvent our relationship. we have all right. just NOTHING like i expected. i won't hate her because that is still giving something of myself. i will now completely let go, because the damage is irreparable. exposure would be pointless, because i'm divorced already. so, i just told my family and a couple of friends and i'll leave it at that.

[tojaz]

Sorry to hear it MayI I really had hopes for you and her. Try not to let it ruin your holiday.

TOJAZ

[2.50 a gallon]

Not a good to find this this out.

 

Time to let the pretty faces know you are available. You are the real McCoy, you fought for an won custody of your little girl. Women are more impressed with a man's deeds and his confidence, you should be a hot item. Give it time

 

I disagree with your view of exposure if he is still part of the leadership of the church. He is not of good moral character, he is a predator, and cannot be trusted with leadership of the flock

 

Also include me as one of your contacts, I have heard of your tats and am curious

Edited December 20, 2009 by 2.50 a gallon

[LisaUk]

MayI, I don't get her, why oh why keep stringing you along. At least now you know she was cake eating once and for all. Time to NC/LC and move on just like you said. I know you are strong and you can do it.

[MrMayI]

Sorry to hear it MayI I really had hopes for you and her. Try not to let it ruin your holiday.

TOJAZ

 

i'm going to do my best. man t, the stuff i know now. have seen in print! make me so angry still. i will never do what i want to that guy. damn!

 

Not a good to find this this out.

 

Time to let the pretty faces know you are available. You are the real McCoy, you fought for an won custody of your little girl. Women are more impressed with a man's deeds and his confidence, you should be a hot item. Give it time

 

I disagree with your view of exposure if he is still part of the leadership of the church. He is not of good moral character, he is a predator, and cannot be trusted with leadership of the flock

 

Also include me as one of your contacts, I have heard of your tats and am curious

 

added. only a small portion of my tats are on here. thanks. i hope my confidence comes back soon. i need it more than ever right now. i'm ready to just move on. we haven't been really physical, so that's good. i kept my heart covered and my mind somewhat sharp before yesterday. dude isn't part of the church staff anymore. i thought i may go talk to the pastor anyway. he may need to think about his judgment a little as well. it makes me sick, 2.50.

 

 

MayI, I don't get her, why oh why keep stringing you along. At least now you know she was cake eating once and for all. Time to NC/LC and move on just like you said. I know you are strong and you can do it.

 

thanks lisa. i think i'm going to bounce back from this pretty quickly. she doesn't know what i know, but i've seen at least his words to her, and that's enough to sum it up for me. trust is going to take a while. i'm not looking for my 2nd ex-wife right now. i think i'll just try and have fun. the ex dropped my daughter off today and tried to go in for a hug. i turned and walked away, and didn't feel bad at all. christmas will be tough, but it's almost here and gone.

[tojaz]

i'm going to do my best. man t, the stuff i know now. have seen in print! make me so angry still. i will never do what i want to that guy. damn!

Thats because your the better man MayI. I'm a little messed up myself right now. Don't let that anger own you man.

[MrMayI]

Thats because your the better man MayI. I'm a little messed up myself right now. Don't let that anger own you man.

 

i'm trying not to, but it'd be real easy to walk less than a block and finish it with this guy. sure, it was she who walked, but this guy was involved in every step of my seperation and divorce. seeing the words "i love you so much, baby" just about made my teeth break from gritting them so hard. i also found out that in the first 2 months we were together, my suspicions of her messing with another guy were spot on. he came in from his last tour in iraq and was talking to a friend of mine about it. how he regretted it every day, but he assumed she and i split anyway, because i'm a smart guy. my friend told him we just got divorced and said the guy said he was really, really sorry now.

[tojaz]

Yeah mayI, it would be real easy and would probably feel pretty damn good for a little while. In the end it isn't going to solve anything and will probably just make things worse. You'll be that jealous guy that she complained about at the begining (yeah I remember ) and in that small town of yours you'll be the crazy tatooed guy that beat up his ex wifes boyfriend. Even if he does deserve it. Moral high ground man. In the long run you'll thank yourself. Remember, I was there, had him in my hands and everything, now I'm glad I didn't.

TOJAZ

[curiou]

i'm trying not to, but it'd be real easy to walk less than a block and finish it with this guy. sure, it was she who walked, but this guy was involved in every step of my seperation and divorce. seeing the words "i love you so much, baby" just about made my teeth break from gritting them so hard. i also found out that in the first 2 months we were together, my suspicions of her messing with another guy were spot on. he came in from his last tour in iraq and was talking to a friend of mine about it. how he regretted it every day, but he assumed she and i split anyway, because i'm a smart guy. my friend told him we just got divorced and said the guy said he was really, really sorry now.

 

wow, I just caught up on your thread. that SUCKS. It makes you shake your head at how deceitful human beings can be.

[GoodDad]

Hang in there MMI. Be the better man. You can do it. Just take it one day at a time.

 

So sorry you are going through this. Be strong for your daughter and time will heal.

 

Take care,

 

GD

[MrMayI]

i'm hanging in there. for sure. i don't know if i mentioned that i found all this **** out 10 minutes before my daughter's birthday party started. god it was brutal. i made it through with the biggest grin on my face, though. a couple days ago we took her for her birthday dinner. i wanted it to be a daddy-daughter date, but the ex had to get in there. we went out, and i acted like i don't know a damn thing. we get back to my house and the ex tries to grab my hand as i walked up the sidewalk. i just turned and said "no. no more.", and went inside. i'm sick of her trite. i'm not going to do it anymore. i've seen om 3 times now since i found out, and i have never seen him in person before. all 3 times i was in my car, and he was out. i am really choking back reverting to old ways and beating this guy's ass mercilessly. my little girl is the center of everything for me. obviously only for me. i have custody. i'll make sure she never feels pain like i have. ever. hopefully.