the finality of divorce...

[MrMayI]

I'm so jealous MMI!!

 

please, don't be. i'm home, by myself, just like you.

[WTFO]

please, don't be. i'm home, by myself, just like you.

 

 

No your not. We got your back.

[MrMayI]

picked them up without a hitch. big hugs issued all around. i really missed my little girl. i thought i was going to cry when i saw her come out of the concourse. it was a nice drive back to our town. nothing serious was talked about, of course, but there was something hanging in the air there. here come the holidays.

[tojaz]

Seatbelts on, chairs in the upright position. This story is heading for some turbulance! Hang on MAYI and keep us posted. I hope it leads to a happy ending, whatever you decide that is.

TOJAZ

[MrMayI]

lol, t! good stuff.

i took the ex and dd to dinner tonight. ended with more hugs, and that's it. the hugs are getting longer, tighter and overall seemingly more affectionate. we'll just have to slowly turn the pages and see how this book ends, i suppose. i love this woman, but i am in a perfect position to not get "in love" again, or maybe...

[Surfer Girl]

Ok wait a minute... aren't you seeing someone else now??? I did not read all thru the threads...

[MrMayI]

i'm not seeing anyone right now surfer girl. i was seeing a girl for about 3 weeks, but that was over a month ago when it ended abruptly. i haven't closed the window on the possibility of another walking into my life. i have to live too.

[tojaz]

lol, t! good stuff.

i took the ex and dd to dinner tonight. ended with more hugs, and that's it. the hugs are getting longer, tighter and overall seemingly more affectionate. we'll just have to slowly turn the pages and see how this book ends, i suppose. i love this woman, but i am in a perfect position to not get "in love" again, or maybe...

 

Well, nothing wrong with being open to the possibility and even doing little things to increase your odds, as long as you take the time to work out what you think is best for you and she works out whats best for her. It's not enough that she wants to come back, you have to know WHY she wants to come back. Is it you? Or is it the support and security that you provided that she may be willing to throw away when the next guy turns her head? (sorry man know that one hurt but had to be said.) If you can't answer these things then you could be setting yourself up for big time hurt. Why do you want back? Are you sure you miss HER or do you miss the companionship of being married? Thats a hard one to answer, I was there.

 

A while back I started a thread about having an emotional connection with another woman. We eventually split because neither one of us were ready, we hadn't answered those questions yet and although it hurt like a SOB it was the right thing to do (I didn't see it, she did by the way) time goes on and we came back together, split again, not ready, get back together, yadda yadda..... Its a circus, but its for the best, and I think it's worth it.

 

Thing is MayI you both need to go into this with a new understanding of it all, and thats going to take time. Your a new man and she is a different woman. Your going to have to look beneath the surface and discover eachother all over again. Just like me and my situation, i have a pretty good bead on this girls heart, but she hasn't got me figured out yet I don't think, so patience is what s called for, its hard and I jam myself up and say something stupid sometimes, trying to get a read on where shes at, but she usually just pulls back or I get frustrated and the cycle starts over again, which of course just makes things worse.

 

In the end like I always tried to tell Lupa, be the smart bull!!!

Easy to hear, easy to say, real damn tough to do!

TOJAZ

[MrMayI]

t, thanks for taking the time to post so much. it's nice to know that you are still here, and the support you give just gets wiser and better as time goes on. i think you've taken more from this experience than anyone from our little "crew".

 

i still don't know if i want her back or not. i'm fairly certain if i presented the possibility of reconciliation to her, that she'd likely be open to it. it's not my place to put that out on the table though. i believe it's 2.50 a gallon i was discussing these possibilities with not too long ago. i know for certain i can't offer up my life for marriage with her again. far as the divorce goes, i pretty much got all i wanted from it, and will not give custody of my little girl up so easily. believe me, i damn near did the impossible by getting custody in the first place.

 

the ex opened up a little last night about the original suspected OM. she told me what's going on in his life just in passing. he's left her employer, and is going to school across the country. essentially, both of the OM's i originally fretted over are completely gone. it makes me wonder if this is why she's back in my life so much. it's okay if so, but i need to know what it is about ME that's brought her back. i know she's said she loves me still, and all that jazz. as much as it may bother some on here, this story is going to be long, and i'm going to tell it until the end.

 

IF i get back with her, it'll be because i love her. because she's the mother of my child. the love of my life. maybe this is karmic retribution for all of the girls i **** on in the past. i've never been a cheater, but i've done some really lousy, petty things. i'm learning from ALL of my mistakes. one way or the other, i'll be the better man for having gone through this.

[Auroracoladybug]

 

A while back I started a thread about having an emotional connection with another woman. We eventually split because neither one of us were ready, we hadn't answered those questions yet and although it hurt like a SOB it was the right thing to do (I didn't see it, she did by the way) time goes on and we came back together, split again, not ready, get back together, yadda yadda..... Its a circus, but its for the best, and I think it's worth it.

Just like me and my situation, i have a pretty good bead on this girls heart, but she hasn't got me figured out yet I don't think, so patience is what s called for, its hard and I jam myself up and say something stupid sometimes, trying to get a read on where shes at, but she usually just pulls back or I get frustrated and the cycle starts over again, which of course just makes things worse.

 

In the end like I always tried to tell Lupa, be the smart bull!!!

Easy to hear, easy to say, real damn tough to do!

TOJAZ

 

Tojaz re-read what you wrote...this cycle is what will make it better for you in the long run no matter the outcome...

 

We all have to go thru our cycles just like a washing machine (corney I know as an analogy)

 

MMI- I think that you will figure it out in time and you deserve happiness...if you find that you are willing and she is willing to re-commit well then that is between you two.

 

My sister and BIL are HS sweethearts...broke up, got together, broke up, etc... when my sister became pregnant with my oldest nephew they made the decision to make things work (14 years later)...there have been very hard parts for both of them but I am pleased to say they may not be happy all the time but they really do love each other and are making it work...ever the optimist here...I think anything can happen

[tojaz]

Please keep telling your story MayI, I've always been pulling for a happy ending for you and i still am. Like i said, we all know why you want her in your life, the key is going to be why she wants back. Thats not something shes going to tell you but reveal itself in time. On marrying again, don't count it out, but protect yourself, it's called a prenup! After all of this and it gets to that point she will understand. If she doesn't, then it wasn't for the right reasons anyways, but thats a long time off if at all.

 

P.S. Of course i keep checkin in on you bro, you still owe me a beer!:laugh:

TOJAZ

[MrMayI]

Please keep telling your story MayI, I've always been pulling for a happy ending for you and i still am. Like i said, we all know why you want her in your life, the key is going to be why she wants back. Thats not something shes going to tell you but reveal itself in time. On marrying again, don't count it out, but protect yourself, it's called a prenup! After all of this and it gets to that point she will understand. If she doesn't, then it wasn't for the right reasons anyways, but thats a long time off if at all.

 

P.S. Of course i keep checkin in on you bro, you still owe me a beer!:laugh:

TOJAZ

 

it may take some time, but that beer is going to happen. i agree about a pre-nup. in all honesty, that's going to be for any lady fortunate enough to have my hand again . i have some new business ventures that'll possibly start to really make me money after the first of the year. i can't wait. the ex was supposed to be my equal in the ventures, but she lost out. i stand to make my job's income or more in extra next year. i hope it all works out.

 

life is really good. i'm just glad my daughter is getting to be with her family again. last night at dinner, she was glowing. smile from ear to ear. the ex was looking gorgeous, but i couldn't bring myself to tell her. watching her walk out of the restaurant i was like "damn. i remember that."

 

i mentioned business ventures, but that has nothing to do with how it is right now. my partner and i are very secretive about what's going on. no one but he and i really know all the details. we've even left his wife in the dark to a degree. i just want life to unfold in a way that keeps everyone happy. if it's not with her, then alone, or with someone else. DD will always be top priority.

 

thanks everyone. i'll keep posting, and hopefully be able to stay with the way i feel right now. i feel good, and i really don't want to attribute it to the ex. she **** on me. it's going to be quite some time before i fully can find the forgiveness for that in my mind and heart.

[broken hearted]

I'm really rooting for you MMI! It seems as though your ex is realizing her mistakes and realizing what she had was better than she thought.

 

I know I've said it already and so have many others but, please please please be extremely careful with your heart! She broke it once, she could break it again! I know that I never want to feel the pain of a broken heart again and I'm sure you don't either! You are an amazing man and father, keep your guard up until you know for sure it's safe to let it down.

[tojaz]

Tojaz re-read what you wrote...this cycle is what will make it better for you in the long run no matter the outcome...

 

We all have to go thru our cycles just like a washing machine (corney I know as an analogy)

 

OK, you've got my attention Ladybug, care to Elaborate?

 

it may take some time, but that beer is going to happen.

No sweat MayI, I owe a lot of tipped glasses to a lot of different people here, I hope to make all the rounds some day. LOL While I'm sure it dosen't always seem that way, you've got it all put together and are happy. Thats the best way to go into something like this. Gives you the luxury of comfort, time, and options. Your going to be on top of this thing soon enough.

 

I'm really rooting for you MMI! It seems as though your ex is realizing her mistakes and realizing what she had was better than she thought.

 

I know I've said it already and so have many others but, please please please be extremely careful with your heart! She broke it once, she could break it again! I know that I never want to feel the pain of a broken heart again and I'm sure you don't either! You are an amazing man and father, keep your guard up until you know for sure it's safe to let it down.

Unfortunately it dosen't work that way, love is always a risk with anybody. All you can do is try to increase your odds of being safe.You will never really share love until you trust. Sadly there will always be those that abuse it, but it is a miserable and lonely place to be constantly fearing for what lurks in the shadows waiting to hurt us. Tremendous risk but the rewards are great! For a chance at real love, thre is very little I wouldn't be willing to put on the line..... for the right person.

TOJAZ

[PWSX3]

MM as you probably see in most my posts I am against divorce, I really do feel people give up to easy or for the wrong reasons.

 

You do NOT want to get back with your "EX" wife, you might want to get back with the new person that she might become, but she needs to show you that she is doing something different and not just talking about it.

 

She needs to figure out why she felt she needed the other person, what in her past made her feel insecure.

 

I would make her prove to you that she is coming back because she loves you. When me & my former W separated we did some counseling but it wasn't the right counselor. My W had just lost her best friend in the world so she was having to deal with that but neither of us realized that had such an impact on a persons life.

 

I started to go to classes at a local church, have met some very good people that I can trust & share my deepest feelings with. I had to learn that there is more feelings then just mad or happy. I learned why I had the affair, what I missed growing up that made me feel I wasn't loved.

 

When we did get back together I was doing fine with my money, she had maxed out two of her credit cards in just 7 months. Even after the divorce she told me looking back she wishes she didn't do it but I haven't "seen" any changes, it is still all talk. I sometimes feel the only reason we got back together is because she wasn't making it financially.

 

Both of you need to be working on these things by yourself, then just keep doing the small things like the meals, or maybe a walk in the park, etc....(Stay away from the movies or anyplace that you can feel or get intimate that will just cloud up things) and just watch for signs of change.

 

She needs to show you she is a different person, you DO NOT want to get back with who she was, that didn't work....

[2.50 a gallon]

MrMayI

 

I get the feeling that you are orbiting just above the horizon line of a black hole.

 

We are in the holiday season. The first Christmas is the hardest, there is a void in our soul that nobody can fill. This will be a dangerous time for you, doubly so for you and the XW share the DD.

 

Please armor yourself and reread your first thread and the disregard and disrespect that she showed you and the DD. That is what concerns me the most is that she did not fight for her baby. The OM's have left the scene, the holidays are here, and she needs a fall back safe place.

 

If she is the one for your future, make her work her a$$ off to prove herself to you and the DD. Your friends here on LS do not want to see you hurt again.

 

Your friend Gallon

Edited November 14, 2009 by 2.50 a gallon

[MrMayI]

thanks everyone.

broken hearted, you have to know that i think the world of you. the strength you show day to day may not be recognized by you, but i see it. chin up.

aurora, you and tojaz are so selfless. i can't say enough about your advice.

 

pw, solid advice as always. cheers to you, and thanks.

 

2.50, i've had everything you mentioned right on the forefront of my mind all along. i cannot and will not go through any of that again. the holidays will be tough, i know, no matter where everything stands. i have too much armor on my heart right now, and it is unpenetrable. at least for now.

[LisaUk]

I'm really rooting for you MMI! It seems as though your ex is realizing her mistakes and realizing what she had was better than she thought.

 

I know I've said it already and so have many others but, please please please be extremely careful with your heart! She broke it once, she could break it again! I know that I never want to feel the pain of a broken heart again and I'm sure you don't either! You are an amazing man and father, keep your guard up until you know for sure it's safe to let it down.

 

I know how you feel Broken, a friend said exactly the same to me last night when I asked her if she was shocked at how my ex has turned out? She replied no not really, b/c you can never really know another person. I guess b/c of the life experiences she has suffered, she has realised this a long time ago and although she is in a LTR I think she lives her life by it. Like Gunny says, know that no relationship is forever, but treat it as if it is.

 

I don't know how I feel about that view yet, I would never have felt that way before, but after my ex and another recent experience I have had, I am beginning to think that way, in fact I am thinking of making the consious decision to never get involved with anyone else ever again, I'm starting to think I am much better off alone.

[tojaz]

I know how you feel Broken, a friend said exactly the same to me last night when I asked her if she was shocked at how my ex has turned out? She replied no not really, b/c you can never really know another person. I guess b/c of the life experiences she has suffered, she has realised this a long time ago and although she is in a LTR I think she lives her life by it. Like Gunny says, know that no relationship is forever, but treat it as if it is.

 

Living her life like that, your friend is going to miss out on a lot. If she does this because of past experiences, then she has never healed from her loss. It is far to easy to let the fear and hurt of a lost love taint every future relationship. If your constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop and guarding yourself from perceived hurts, your going to miss out on a lot of what life and love has to offer. People like that seem strong, but in fact i pity them. Learn from what has happened but do not let it harden your heart.

TOJAZ

[LisaUk]

Living her life like that, your friend is going to miss out on a lot. If she does this because of past experiences, then she has never healed from her loss. It is far to easy to let the fear and hurt of a lost love taint every future relationship. If your constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop and guarding yourself from perceived hurts, your going to miss out on a lot of what life and love has to offer. People like that seem strong, but in fact i pity them. Learn from what has happened but do not let it harden your heart.

TOJAZ

 

No, I think she has it just right actually. I was nothing but myself in this recent relationship I had and I was constantly accused of holding back, pulling away, just generally not being what he wanted me to be. From now on I am going to be what I want to be and if other people don't like it, well that's their problem. What I am saying is I get hurt and trodden on when I give myself to a relationship, nothing is ever good enough, so in future I will be protecting myself and putting myself first, I will never be in a position for someone to hurt me again, b/c I will never give myself to someone again.

[trippi1432]

I know how you feel Broken, a friend said exactly the same to me last night when I asked her if she was shocked at how my ex has turned out? She replied no not really, b/c you can never really know another person. I guess b/c of the life experiences she has suffered, she has realised this a long time ago and although she is in a LTR I think she lives her life by it. Like Gunny says, know that no relationship is forever, but treat it as if it is.

 

I don't know how I feel about that view yet, I would never have felt that way before, but after my ex and another recent experience I have had, I am beginning to think that way, in fact I am thinking of making the consious decision to never get involved with anyone else ever again, I'm starting to think I am much better off alone.

 

Living her life like that, your friend is going to miss out on a lot. If she does this because of past experiences, then she has never healed from her loss. It is far to easy to let the fear and hurt of a lost love taint every future relationship. If your constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop and guarding yourself from perceived hurts, your going to miss out on a lot of what life and love has to offer. People like that seem strong, but in fact i pity them. Learn from what has happened but do not let it harden your heart.

TOJAZ

 

Hi Lisa,

 

What Tojaz states here is true, I wanted to harden my heart and not love again when the man I loved more than anything (even myself, yes...which was wrong) left me a single mom, with no job, no car, no home and completely broke. I was devastated and never wanted to give my heart to anyone, other than my daughter at that time.

 

Truth is, love is going to find you somehow and you can't run from it or hide from it. It will happen when you least expect it....at least that is how it was for me and my current STBX. Based on how my first marriage ended, it became very important to me to build security for our future and our kids....I worked on that, got an education (like you are doing now) and 15 years passed in the blink of an eye before he walked out the door 3 times this year. Now, he has someone else that he claims is his soul mate.....and I am actually happy for him on that note. Do I miss him, yeah...sometimes, but not as much anymore. Doesn't mean that I hardened my heart, just means that I "closed the account" on the Love Bank for now so I can heal.

 

I would like to believe that there is someone out there for everyone, we just have to be open to it and not let ourselves miss opportunities for happiness.

 

Sorry MMI, think another thread hi-jack happened.

[Auroracoladybug]

OK, you've got my attention Ladybug, care to Elaborate?

 

 

Okay washing machine analogy...you put dirty clothes in, you put soap in, you turn on the water, it has to aggitate, it drains that water away, it rinses, soaks, spins whatever the order...we are dirty from all of the outside grime...we get thrown into that washing machine and go thru the cycles...and we get worn again it is what makes us who we are (think of your favorite blue jeans)

 

In the end we all have to go thru our cycles that is how we learn what we are supposed to learn in this life...

[tojaz]

Okay washing machine analogy...you put dirty clothes in, you put soap in, you turn on the water, it has to aggitate, it drains that water away, it rinses, soaks, spins whatever the order...we are dirty from all of the outside grime...we get thrown into that washing machine and go thru the cycles...and we get worn again it is what makes us who we are (think of your favorite blue jeans)

 

In the end we all have to go thru our cycles that is how we learn what we are supposed to learn in this life...

 

I like it, think I'm going to borrow it. LOL

TOJAZ

[Auroracoladybug]

aurora, you and tojaz are so selfless. i can't say enough about your advice.

 

 

Wow thanks for the compliment... I just wish I was not so lost just like everyone else on here. MMI big hugs!

[MrMayI]

beautiful day today. the dd and i played soccer in the yard all morning. she then went and played across the street with the neighbor's kids. the ex came over and she and i watched a movie. it was a comedy. we laughed, chatted and all that. she was here about 3 hours or so. no problems. it's moving. i don't know where, but it is. i like this roller coaster much better than the other.