the finality of divorce...

[tojaz]

Glad to hear it MayI. Enjoy the ride for a change, you deserve it.

TOJAZ

[WTFO]

Glad to hear it MayI. Enjoy the ride for a change, you deserve it.

TOJAZ

 

 

x2. It's nice to hear positive news on this board.

[MrMayI]

today marks 6 years since a mutual friend of mine and the ex's passed away in his sleep. he was actually one of my best friends i'd ever had and was the bouncer in the bar i worked at, so we got into a lot of "trouble" together. anyway, i miss him terribly sometimes. today in particular. in 5 days it'll mark 6 years since the ex and i decided we were going to give US a shot. it's just a tough time, i guess. i am losing sight of anything positive with her. she's seemingly evasive and disinterested in me all over again. i'm not upset about that, but she has thrown so much effort into talking to and putting herself around me that the sudden change is confusing. oh well. i have to live. keep moving.

 

i just don't know what to do. i almost had my head wrapped completely around the idea of trying to reconcile with her if possible. i cannot be played for a fool. not again.

[hopesndreams]

today marks 6 years since a mutual friend of mine and the ex's passed away in his sleep. he was actually one of my best friends i'd ever had and was the bouncer in the bar i worked at, so we got into a lot of "trouble" together. anyway, i miss him terribly sometimes. today in particular. in 5 days it'll mark 6 years since the ex and i decided we were going to give US a shot. it's just a tough time, i guess. i am losing sight of anything positive with her. she's seemingly evasive and disinterested in me all over again. i'm not upset about that, but she has thrown so much effort into talking to and putting herself around me that the sudden change is confusing. oh well. i have to live. keep moving.

 

i just don't know what to do. i almost had my head wrapped completely around the idea of trying to reconcile with her if possible. i cannot be played for a fool. not again.

 

Then end it now. It's time to wake up out of the fairy tale before you do yourself more damage. Sorry.

 

The being evasive is the sign!

[tojaz]

today marks 6 years since a mutual friend of mine and the ex's passed away in his sleep. he was actually one of my best friends i'd ever had and was the bouncer in the bar i worked at, so we got into a lot of "trouble" together. anyway, i miss him terribly sometimes. today in particular. in 5 days it'll mark 6 years since the ex and i decided we were going to give US a shot. it's just a tough time, i guess. i am losing sight of anything positive with her. she's seemingly evasive and disinterested in me all over again. i'm not upset about that, but she has thrown so much effort into talking to and putting herself around me that the sudden change is confusing. oh well. i have to live. keep moving.

 

i just don't know what to do. i almost had my head wrapped completely around the idea of trying to reconcile with her if possible. i cannot be played for a fool. not again.

 

Keep in mind MayI that all the things you need to wrap your head around, she does too, and cope with the reasons she strayed in the first place, and cope with guilt and her pride. If this road contiunues, it's probably going to be very upo and down for her, her learning curve is going to be much steeper then yours. You've been here coping and learning about you whgile shes been hiding in the shadows. Shes just now coming to where you've already been. Be patient and give it some time to all play out.

TOJAZ

[curiou]

man, MrMayI, I've been there, and I realize that's easy for me to give advice because I've survived your scenario. YOU'RE the one going through it, and here I am stalking your stories to see how you guys all fare.

 

IF you truly feel that you CANNOT let yourself be played for a fool by THIS WOMAN again, the only way to guarantee that is to not give it another chance. do you see that? IF this is truly how you feel, you must start no contact/minimal contact (childcare issues and divorce issues only) and NOT let her screw with your head. That's the only failsafe strategy, right?

 

IF you don't mind trying to be patient and living in a little limbo while she clears her head, I would suggest minimal contact (only when she initiates it). Realize she may screw up again, and pull away, or maybe even find someone else. That is a real possibility. There is a no guarantee she will be faithful in your renewed marriage, but there is no guarantee you won't have a better one if you guys get back together. You can hang on to the hope of that if you want, but understand that it may delay your healing if it turns out the marriages fails eventually.

 

Reading your posts, I've always felt that you were leaving an opening for you and your wife to get back together, no matter what you said about not wanting her back. I understand that. Life isn't black and white. It's your life to live. You're going to make choices you feel are right for you at this time in your life, and get sometimes wildly dissenting opinions. Personally, my hope is that at some point, you will able to let her go soon so that you can begin the emotional and psychological healing. but if you don't, I'll understand because I've made tons of missteps in this scenario in the past too and can't fault you for doing similar things.

[soheartbroken]

I think Curio has some great thoughts. Ultimately you're going to do what feels right for you, and we really can't predict the future.

 

Maybe delaying the healing process is worth it to you if it gives you a second chance.

 

I know personally that I would do anything possible if there was hope of a second chance for me (which there isn't).

 

Good luck on this continued journey and I'll be checking in of course.

[tojaz]

Maybe delaying the healing process is worth it to you if it gives you a second chance.

 

I think MayI is on the right course. From what I'm hearing from him aside from a slide every now and then, hes moving forward and living his life for himself. I don't see that as delaying the healing process just yet. Hes not looking for a second chance but considering giving her one....big difference.

 

Sounds to me that MayI while considering reconciliation, has learned a lot and has his own standards that need to be met. If she dosen't fit that, then he will let her go. Basicly hes not looking to put the old marriage back together, but start a whole new relattionship from the ground up, it just happens to be with his exwife.

 

in thinking about my own situation. If my wife came to me today and just wanted back, I would not accept her. If she came and she was who she was before the D began, I would not accept her either. That didn't work, in going through this, reading, learning, and even meeting other women especialy those here on LS, I see what I want in my life and that there are other women in the world that I could be much happier with and could be happy with me. My latest thread is kind of about that. If she came back and had done some growing of her own, well, that I can't answer and i doubt I ever will be able to unless I'm faced with it someday. (Doubt it) My take is that is what MayI is hoping for and isn't going to settle for less.

TOJAZ

[PWSX3]

Like they say; actions speak louder then words......

 

In my case, back in Aug. my former wife texted me & said; if I knew what I know now a year ago I would have never filed but I look at what she is doing & how she is trying to grow as a person & I haven't seen any changes. She told me how much she has changed, how different she is but I don't see it in her actions.

 

Anytime we think of getting back with our ex's, spouses, etc. it can't be the same, it has to change. If not then down the road the same thing will happen again. Need to figure out what the root of the problem was & change that & grow from there and most of the time it is something that happened in your past that needs addressed.

[MrMayI]

i don't think i should've used the word "evasive" in description of her actions. hesitant would've been a more accurate description. i haven't put my life on hold because of my desires to have her back in my life. her actions are speaking loudly. there's no other man in the picture. i wish i had a way to prove it here. all i can say is, small town, and i know there's no other man in the picture. i think she is doing a good job of showing me changes. i can't say we'll be back together, or even if i want to. i can say that i'm going to allow the opportunity to present itself if it does.

[GoodDad]

God, MMI,

 

I feel like I am just at the beginning of similar stories with you. I read some of the original stuff where you and your spouse were at, how it de-evolved and now where it is again.

 

We both have young daughters who are the lights of our lives. I hope she realizes what she has in you, grows and tries to make it work.

 

I hope the same for my situation, but am trying to be strong and realistic and know I can't change anyone, they can only change themselves.

 

The tough thing is knowing my spouse and how we are each others best friends if I have to get to a NC, MC its going to drive both of us nuts and the back and forth she is leading me on now and she hasn't even left officially yet. I can see that going on for a long time with us both traveling the reconcillation road. She already is saying things like if I left maybe we could reconnect someday, but she knows that might never be possible, etc. but can't imagine me not in her life. You are a strong man to be able to be open to it considering the pain she has caused.

 

I am following your story with interest and wish you the best. Too bad we all have to meet under such sorry circumstances.

 

Take care.

 

GD

[MrMayI]

gooddad, all i can tell you is it likely will get worse before it gets better. that **** with my ex was the most awful experience of my life. i'll never go back there again. she and i are in communication, but i often wonder if it's just me who's experiencing all the confusion and mixed emotions. i can't help but think that much like our seperation she's just coasting along and not worrying about anything but herself. everyone keeps telling me she's going through it too, but i still can't help but wonder.

 

she's still coming around me, calling me, texting me and all that. it's very easy to question why would she be doing this if there was no interest to try and make things better.

 

confusion is my only plague these days. gone is the hatred, resentment, fear, and depression. today it's just a question of what? what is going on? what can i do to keep this momentum going? what do i want out of this? what does she want out of this?

 

only time can answer these questions.

[GoodDad]

Hang in there MMI, I was reading something somewhere about just trying to be in the present, not focus so much on the past or the future, but live in the now a bit. I know its hard. BELIEVE me, I know. But sometimes trying to focus too much on the future makes us trip over our feet.

 

My first wife tried to reconnect a friendship and I would have none of it. But we didn't have kids together. Man, Im sitting here advising you not to think of the future and I just started too. LOL. Just heed my words and not my actions, geesh...

 

GD

[FarFetched]

I have some pictures posted under my profile name. You should be able to see them there. Honestly though...these guys are being far far far too kind to me...just trying to help my self esteem! It feels mighty good though!

 

I am coming in a little late here, but you are definitely very pretty!

[MrMayI]

i've continued to see my ex on a near daily basis and talk to her often. we spent most of the weekend together as a family. i know our daughter was extremely happy about that. i still have no idea what this may be evolving into. i just know i'm not used to seeing recently divorced couples spending so much time together. my friend's wife says i need to sit down with the ex and talk everything through to see where we each stand. i personally don't think that's something i want to get into right now. i think if we're going to try and work everything out, it's going to take time, and just feeling it out and seeing where it leads is the best approach for now.

 

she is going to have thanksgiving with my family. i think that speaks volumes. she wouldn't want to be part of that if she didn't want to be part of my family, right? i see it as a nearly clear indicator that she wants things to work for us.

[LisaUk]

Hi MMI,

 

I'm so pleased for you! I think you are right to not address it outright right now and see what happens, I am sure if that is where she would like to go, she will address it in time. Just one thing though, please don't take this the wrong way, I say it b/c I don't want to see you on here hurt again, do you think this is b/c she doesn't have OM anymore? And, do you want her back knowing this is why? I mean if she has realised her mistake and regrets what she has done, then that's different, but if she is just coming back to you b/c it's easier for her, is that what you want? Don't you think you deserve better than that?

 

Anyway, there were a lot of what if's above, just some thoughts is all, I'm sure you have probably had all of them yourself. Please just be careful, I'd hate to see her hurt you again.

[MrMayI]

lisa, it's so good to see you on here. i've thought of that with OM. i think he's still in the picture somewhat, but i also know that she is not up to anything with him. she laid it on the table for a mutual friend of ours. the friend started to tell me what was said, and i politely asked her not to. i don't want to trample on their friendship. she told me i have nothing to worry about, and i really never did. i told her that when she left, i had every reason to worry. the emotions were taken from me and given to him. that's something to worrry about. this friend asked if we'd get back together and the ex said she didn't know, but she likes where things are, and where they seem to be going.

 

don't worry about me. i have my armor plating over my heart, and she will not get through it this time. it's going to take a major amount of time to repair anything. i just hope my family doesn't give her or me a lot of grief on the holiday. that'd suck.

 

also lisa, she knows the mistakes she's made. she told a different friend that she can't help but often wonder what if she had just heeded my EA pleas and stuck it out. she says she knows we could've gotten through it. i have to wonder if with all that's happened, if there's even a remote chance of it working out now. i don't even know if that's what she wants.

 

 

 

Hi MMI,

 

I'm so pleased for you! I think you are right to not address it outright right now and see what happens, I am sure if that is where she would like to go, she will address it in time. Just one thing though, please don't take this the wrong way, I say it b/c I don't want to see you on here hurt again, do you think this is b/c she doesn't have OM anymore? And, do you want her back knowing this is why? I mean if she has realised her mistake and regrets what she has done, then that's different, but if she is just coming back to you b/c it's easier for her, is that what you want? Don't you think you deserve better than that?

 

Anyway, there were a lot of what if's above, just some thoughts is all, I'm sure you have probably had all of them yourself. Please just be careful, I'd hate to see her hurt you again.

Edited November 23, 2009 by MrMayI

[PWSX3]

She is getting her cake & eating it too......

 

She can have the family when she wants it but has her single life without any responsibilities.....

 

I know people get back together, I have a cousin who was married, divorced & then they married again, but the odds aren't good....

 

Has she been seeing a counselor or trying to figure out why she did what she did? Just because she say's she did bad things doesn't mean she has learned what the root was.....

 

As long as the OM is in the picture at any level you are second in her eyes.

[curiou]

PWSX3's post expresses my thoughts exactly. I would not put much stock into what your wayward wife has told her friend. It may or may not be true, but in my experience (and that of people I know), cheaters say ANYTHING to mitigate the situation. My best friend looked his wife straight in the eye and asked her to swear on her mother's grave that nothing was going on, which of course she did, but it was subsequently (and embarrassingly) found to be untrue. And she lied to their friends and family as well.

 

Look at it from your wife's perspective. The only reason things stopped at all was because you called them out on it. She would have continued it willingly for who knows how long? She might not have stopped, either. And now that she's (more) alone and the holidays are coming around, she's missing the "family" aspect and you're convenient and available.

 

Tread carefully, my anonymous internet friend. I always want the best for you.

[MrMayI]

thanks. i don't know what to think.

[hopesndreams]

This is what I think.

 

You want to recapture what was destroyed by her. You want what once was. You want what has happened in the past to just disappear. You want her to love you the way she once did. You want to go back in time.

 

She has the power to make you believe that could happen if she so desired. What is she waiting for? She knows you're in deep. If she wanted what you wanted, you wouldn't be tortured anymore.

[seibert253]

Mr. Guard your heart carefully my friend.

 

The second fall can be worse than the first.

[Gunny376]

While of the surface it may look as though she's 'cake-eating' and has you set up as Plan 'B' the truth IMHO is that she can't tell you what she wants because she doesn't know herself.

 

People ~ but especially women are often like this.

 

Case in point. I work with a guy who just spent four years, ~ FOUR FREAKING YEARS~ shopping for a new dining room suite in every town within 200 hundred miles.

 

This is the same wife that he's been married to for over thirty five years!

 

Same guy ~ same wife. That had bought a house, lived in it for years and years. Had one DS, got him through HS and college.

 

DS moves out, and wife puts into build her "dream home" even though the home they lived in was more than adequate for just the two of them now that the DS has moved out, was grown and gone.

 

The kicker? The mortgage was paid off! The deed was in the lock box at the bank in the vault.

 

And she puts in to build a newer bigger house! With a newer and bigger mortgage!

 

Finally he gives in. They build the newer bigger house with the newer and bigger house. They find a buyer for the old house (that they had the mortgage paid off on)

 

They get ready to move. And she tells him ~ we're going to have to sell the new house, I just can't leave the old house! It hold too many memories!?

 

That's how women's brain's are hard wired. For additional info on the subject? Read "Why Men Don't Have A Clue, and Women Need Another Pair of Shoes" along with "Why Women Worry!"

 

You've yet to get into the thick of it all Mr. because your DD is still young. But your about to get a lesson over the course of the years about women that you've never thought was imaginable?

 

Your going to find out such things such as ~

 

Why they've just got to have enough clothes to wear a different 'outfit' each day of the year.

 

Why the prom dress she wore last year that you paid hundreds of dollars for just won't do for this year.

 

Why they change clothes three or four times a day.

 

Why they have to have a pair of shoes to go with a different pair of jeans?

 

Why they need another pair of shoes, when you've only four or five at best?

 

Our ancestors were 'hunter-gathers" ~ guess which gender was the gather?

 

BTW? I know plenty of couple that divorced ~ that got back together years later.

 

Even after having been divorced as much as ten years, having married others, gotten divorced, and got married again ~ to only get divorced again ~ to only get back with the one they started out with.

 

(That's why I use this (~) because this stuff is so crazy there's no other way to express it)

[MrMayI]

reading everyone's responses, and thinking for myself, i've come up with the best thing i can think of.

gunny is right, she is not cake eating. we're divorced, and she's actually not making family stuff happen. it's a joint decision. i don't have to accept her invites, and vice versa. i'm not tortured. i realize my faults in the marriage, and she does too, as well as her own. why the hell shouldn't things be a bit reluctant. i did some ****ty stuff in the past that aided in pushing her away. yeah, what happened in separation and divorce pretty much falls on her, but i know my faults too. it seems that there is a quickness sometimes to just make everything one sided.

 

our child comes FIRST. we're divorced. no sense in running to each other's arms only to have the same thing happen all over again. i think she and i are actually in pretty similar positions. i'm just a bit more vocal about mine. i'm living my life and have no worries right now.

[GoodDad]

MMI,

 

I like your last post. You are already divorced. Maybe doing things with your daughter and you, you 2 will reconnect, maybe it goes somewhere, maybe it doesn't. But as long as you are doing things for you and try to be guarded a bit with the heart, it sounds like you have a good perspective on it.

 

Keep on keeping on and have a good T-giving!

 

GD