venting about ex husband and kids

[wife]

Long story short, I filed for a divorce in 06 with my ex, left my ex husband, moved out of state and brought my kids with me. At the time my kids were 3 years old, and 6 months old. About a year and a half later, after I meet my new husband, my ex answers the divorce and files for full custody. He had nothing to do with me or my sons at all durring our marriage and after we moved away. He completely ignorred us and emotionally neglected us. So when he sees my new husband giving the kids much needed attention and how much they love him, ex filed for full custody to spite me. He lied and made me look horrible to the court, then tricked me into giving up custody of my sons for the entire school year! So I get them for the summer and for holidays.

 

So my ex husband is now telling me that he is only allowing me HALF the holiday time, he wants them for three weeks durring the summer and he is being very controlling of my time with my babies. To add, he has moved in his married girlfriend and her four children, the grandmother is basically spending 90% of the time talking over my kids, and he is interrupting and my relationship with them.

 

So I got them for the weekend, and finally got to have my toddler (now he's three and my oldest is almost 6). I cant stop crying, I feel like they're not even my kids anymore and he's brainwashed them and he's been neglecting their needs completely! THe only reason he has them is out of spite and to punish and control me.

 

I can't afford a lawyer to fight him for custody and we make way too much for legal aid. I feel helpless. I wrote a letter to the court three weeks ago asking to ammend the custody arrangement under changes of circumstance. I told them that I am now re-married, that the custody was made in their jurisdiction despite the fact that the kids had been living with me as residence in my state for over a year, that the father moved in a married woman and her four children, they dson't have their own room, they're being neglected...and some other things. I'm waiting to see what the court says. I asked for legal documents to file it properly without a lawyer.

 

I have a third son with my new husband, he's 9 months old. And I'm now 8 weeks pregnant. I miss my other kids like crazy and I don't know if I can focus or stay sane without them. I missed my oldest son's first day of school, I feel like the worst parent in the world! I need my babies and they need me and my ex is being such a jerk! I was a stay at home mom with them all their lives, they've been with me. In Augist they got snatched away to go live at daddy's house 8 hours away back in that yucky state. If I had the money I could get a lawyer to help me get them back, I have a really good case! BUt for the time being, I'm not sure what to do when they're gone. I feel so empty, sick and sad and I'm so scared it's affecting my marriage. My husband is wonderful, and he's worried about me. What man would neglect his children and have nothing to do with them, then take them away from their mother out of spite? Who would snatch kids away from their lifetime primary caretaker anyway?

 

So my 3 yr old and my 9 month old are right here with me playing together. I just hopoped online to get this all off my chest. If you're a parent without primary custody, can you tell me how you cope? Or share your story with me?

 

Oh and get this, my due date is my sons kintergarden graduation day!! And he's 8 hours away from me. I had no idea it would be like this. I was always feeling safe and secure that my babies would always be here with me, because their daddy didn't want them... now he's using them against me because i'm happy. grrrr

[wizardof7]

My only suggestion to you is to have someone { if its possible }

To call child protection services In the city were they live and do a general welfare check on the kids . That way you can feel like like you are doing something for their benefit . And if he is not caring for them in a proper manner you can file a petition for custody based on neglect .

[Lucky_One]

I wonder if there's something you are leaving out? For a court to take custody away from a SAHM of two young children and to give the children to an absentee father is, to say the least, odd. Did you take the children out of state without the father's permission? Did you encourage and facilitate full visitation rights during the time that you had the children?

 

I'll be blunt. You make way too much for legal aid, and you can't afford a lawyer - for your own children??!!?? Sell your computer, give up the internet, get rid of cable, have a basic telephone plan, stop going out to eat, quit buying clothes for yourself, shop generics and store brands at the grocery store, get rid of a second car, downgrade your primary car, sell items you own that are valuable. Beg, cheat, steal, borrow for money for a lawyer. You CAN afford a lawyer, if you want it bad enough.

[wife]

Oh sure, everyone sees a mother without primary custody and before further thought they automatically make assumptions that she must have done something wrong, she's not telling her whole story, she's a BAAAD momy!

 

I was a perfectly fit stay at home mom with my children, we were being emotionally and verbally abused by my ex husband. I moved out of state, WITH my ex husband's consent, and took my kids with me. I made every effort to try and ESTABLISH a relationship between them and him by taking the responsibility of calling him every day, driving them out to his house every month, picking them up and driving them home. Every time they saw him he'd pawn them off onto his mother. Every time I got them back they were sick. Every time I put them on the phone with him he'd just sit there and breath into the phone! My closest family member is 800 miles away. It was hard to make friends. I went to school for six months and my ex husband paid for my nanny while I was in school. I was kicked out because of my attendance. I was a single mom, no one would take care of my son when he got the flu! I was absent seven days and kicked!

 

A year and a half after I left my ex husband I met someone. I made damn sure I knew him a good while before introducing them to him. I made sure he was good to them before I moved in with him. He asked me to marry him and I got pregnant on accident. I was still legally married because my ex husband never answered my divorce and couldn't make a dicision on custody.

 

As soon as he found out I was pregnant he nailed me with full custody papers, telling the court I was living with my concubine and pregnant with his child, telling the court I left my ex to "find myself" and left the children behind! I had all kinds of proof they were with me. They made the court date on my due date! THey refused to change the date! I had my youngest son three days before court. Would you get into a car and drive 10 hours the day after a c-section with your newborn breastfeeding every hour?

 

My lawyer sucked. He was horrible! THrough the entire two years he wouldn't respond to my phone calls, my emails...I couldn't hire a new one until HE took his name off my case! I finally threatened him with a grievance and he responded. I asked him to take his name off my cxase and he told me if I didn't show up for court I would lose my kids. He told me I had to sign papers and do it outside court before the date. I asked for the school year. My ex asked for the school year.

 

Based on the simple fact that I LEFT THE STATE, even though it was WITH his consent, even though I took my kids WITH ME, the court ruled that THEY STAY IN THE JURISDICTIONAL STATE.

 

I came here extremely depressed looking for comfort from other moms but instead I got bashed for not having my kids.

 

And the finances thing? I'm still looking for a job. I have a 9 month old that's going to have to go to daycare! I need a job that is going to pay my gas and daycare! If you've been keeping up to date on the economy, you'll know that it's hard for a college graduate to even get a job right now. I am a high school drop out with a GED and haven't worked in 7 years! YOU give me a job that pays 10+ an hour! I begged every one of my family members, I begged all my friends, my husband's family, his friends... NO ONE will help us. NO friends will watch my son, our closest family is 800 miles away. My husband cant just quit his carreer and move back to Louisiana! Who's going to hire him? We are living paycheck to paycheck. We cant buy a house. All our paycheck goes into car payment, rent, electricity, insurance, food, gas, school loans, credit card dept. ALL OF IT! THe only luxery we have is the internet. We don't eat out, EVER! He PACKS his lunch for work. Neither of us have bought anything for ourselves, no clothes, no socks, underwear, nothing, no junk food, no misc foods, no games... It's not easy raising up 5-7k for lawyers and court costs! YOU try it!

Edited October 14, 2009 by wife

[2sure]

In my state, the courts are more favorable regarding custody , barring other circimstances...to the parent who is employed if one is not. This is only because if custody is awarded to an unemployed parent, the children will end up supported by social services.

 

Its quite possible the courts will consider you more favorably when you find employment. But then, you want to do that quickly because the courts also tend - after awhile - to leave the children where they are unless you can PROVE he is unfit with police , mental health, or child services records.

[wife]

I wish they would have been in favor of leaving my kids where they were...with me It's so crooked how that parish in Louisiana is. THe courts don't even look at the parents, their relationship with the kids, the best interest of the kids...they look at the best interest of the state itsself it seems. I do need to act fast, because court proccesses take a long time. I have to hire a lawyer in Louisiana to try and move it here, then hire a lawyer in this state IF they allow it to move. Reguardless, I wrote a letter to the court. I have called the police a few times on some matters (including the grandmother), but all they tell me is "Maam, if there's no physical proof like bruises on the children there's nothing we can do" I tried to get a welfare person out there to see their living situation, but without "proof" of neglect and abuse, such as a police record or hospital notes, they weren't just going to go out there on a whim.

[2sure]

The state you are in will not allow it if upon your getting custody of the children they will be in anyway dependent upon your states social services system. You are going to have to get a job and health insurance.

[Tayla]

The courts recognize Health matters. Re-scheduling would have been an option once you were well enough. Your hospital records would have been proof. Yet you chose not too? You did have the right to appeal the decision.

 

I side with caution on this as I doubt that an ex tricked someone to sign over custody. The Courts would love to hear how he did that. File an appeal and see what the judge says. Have proof to present this trickery. Yes you can represent yourself on hearing matters . I would not recommend it though as yours will take a well versed lawyer to make your claim valid. Did you file a grievance with the Bar Association against the former lawyer? They do have ethical standards they must adhere to.

 

SInce you were NOT divorced at the time you took the children out of state there is no reason to assume you got his written permission . You did nothing illegal there, you just didnt file for child support during the separation to be granted Temporary custody. (Or did you and I gleened over that part?)

[fooled once]

No one is "bashing" you -- you posted and a person answered and asked some very valid questions and you got all pissed off.

 

I actually had a very hard time understanding what you were talking about.

 

I also can't figure out why you moved out of state, leaving behind family, to an area where you knew NO ONE and had no job. HOW did you support yourself before you met your now H?

 

I will ask -- did you meet your H before you moved and the reason you moved was to be with him? Something is not adding up.

 

I had sole custody of my son (he is now an adult). My ex never fought it.

 

I have to say, if you have no money, why do you keep having kids? I hate to be blunt like that, but ......

[wife]

I did not move out of state and leave behind any family. I had no family in that state at all. I moved out of state and brought my children with me. My ex gave me enough money to live on while I went to the school and got a job to get on my feet. So I went to school. I got kicked out because of poor attendance. I had poor attendance because my son got the flu and I stayed home and took care of him. I stayed home and took care of him because no one else would take care of him. Like I said before, my closest family was over 800 miles away. I met my new husband a year after I moved. We started dating five months after we met. I introduced my children to him three months after we started dating. The reason I am broke is because I have a baby. I had a baby by accident, it wasn't planned. I am pregnant now by accident and this was not planned. Both times on birth control. Maybe I should just not have sex with my husband.

My ex husband had nothing to do with my children at all. He never even spoke to them. THe whole two years I was seperated I took the initiative to call him, to schedule his time with them. Every time I called, he'd just breathe on the phone and not talk to them. Every time they went to visit him he would pawn them off onto the grandmother.

When I told him I was pregnant, that is when he filed for full custody and nailed me to a tree...out of spite. He had no interest in the kids. His only interest was to get back at me for divorcing him, and because I had moved on he got mad and vengeful. I feel as of I have to explain myself to everyone I talk to about my children. Typically if a father says the kids live with their mother, he gets looked at and sympathised. If a mother says the kids live with the father, people automatically are sceptical of her and try to find peases of her to pick apart. There are no peices. I got screwed. My ex husband gladly let me take the kids out of state, he pid for their nanny while I went to school, he cosigned for my apartment. My lawyer was non-existant. He gave me no legal advice, nothing. He wouldn't return my calls. I tried to hire a new lawyer but they couldn't take my case till he signed himself off of it. So I left voicemails with him, I emailed him, I did everything in my power. I went to his office, each time he was unavailable. I was persistant. But then out of the blue I get a supena for full custody and an unchangeable court date set for my due date in a court 8 hours away. I was stupid enough to think that I had primary custody. I was stupid enough to just let it be a verbal agreement and not put it onto paper. Why would I need to anyway? Ex husband didn't care to have them. No I am not leaving anything out. No I do not do drugs, I am not an abuser, I'm not a stripper, I'm not mental, no I did not abandon them, no I did not blow all my money. When I was kicked out of school I imediatly got a job. My funds were nearly gone. Ex husband stopped paying for my nanny. Every paycheck I made went straight to daycare. I took home a total of 300 a month for food and gas after bills. For those of you who have kids, that's not much at all for diapers and food. Even if you omit snacks and junk. I moved in with my new husband while I was working. I worked for three months. My new husband and I decided I would stay home with my kids, that it would be cheaper. And it was. I couldn't make enough to cover daycare and my gas. I didn't recive child support because I never asked for it. No I didn't get alimony, or 401k or anything because I didnt ask for it. When I got my divorce, My only focus was to get the kids away from that situation, and find a job so I could take care of them. I needed a job that paid over 50k a year. With my GED, and no work experience, I HAD to get some sort of degree. I chose something that would get me working fast. a 6 month corse in aesthiology.

 

For legal aid, you have to make less than 30k in this state. Therefore we make too much. We're saving, we're asking everyone we know for money, we're begging...I'm selling things on craigslist and ebay. I'm trying to find a night time job. I've been trying for a year. My husband gets paid every two weeks. one of his paychecks goes straight to rent, truck payment, insurance, and it's gone. His other one goes towards food, school loans, gas, electricity, phone, internet...and it's gone. We have creditors calling us daily for outstanding credit card bills totalling over 15k plus 29%. We're not paying them, we're not paying our medical bills. We can't. We have to save for a lawyer. I'm trying my A$$ off trying to get money for a lawyer. Perhaps I should start begging people on this forum. I'm desparate, but not stupid. I'm not going to strip, i'm not going to live in the ghetto and put my children in harms way. I'm not living in luxery at all. We are out of the city, far away as cheap as we could find for apartments and still paying out of our butts for rent. In this state it's illegal to live in a two bedroom apartment with 5 people. Our 9 month old qualifies as a person. We had to get a 3 br.

 

I'm going to close this thread because basically I hit a point this weekend of complete and udder hopelessness. Aside from that i;m tired of explaining myself over and over again. I've been so stressed out, so angry, so out of it, so beside myself in crying fits every night, feeling empty. My son's sitting here asking over and over again to see his "Nonny" the grandmother. He wakes up crying for HER not me. My other son is happy to live at daddy's and couldn't wait to go back. I dont even feel like these are my kids anymore. they're so different than they were before he took them. My oldest cried and didn't want to go live with daddy, he hardly knew his daddy! His daddy moved in a married woman and her four children into his three bedroom house over the summer while my kids were with me. Maybe it's the kids. maybe they are happy over there because they have other kids to play with. Maybe because the grandmother is still continuing to hang out every day attempting to take over my toddler, mothering him, tending and changing diapers, hovering and spoiling. Even though her actions are somewhat incestious and extremely intervening, controlling and downright unright...no one will listen to me. no one cares. unless he has bruises they won't do anything about it. Ex husband is so used to her that he thinks everything is normal and fine. His live in girlfriend probably doesn't care. She has her own kids to tend to and welcomes the "help".