Dealing with the Rage of being Cheated on

[cdt76]

My girlfriend of 8 months started a relationship with a good friend / co-worker of mine while I was away on 3 weeks vacation. She said I was not as into the relationship as much as she was. She was untrusting of me and was checking my email account prior to her moving in with me. I didn't know this. I wrote a couple emails to girls while on training, basically to kill time in a remote area with nothing to do. She used those emails as an excuse to start this relationship with my co-worker. She moved out and kept blaming me for the breakup. I found out about their relationship, because I'm not stupid. My problem and this is why I'm writing here, is that I want have so much rage towards this co-worker that I want to beat the living $^&&**%# out of him. She is no better than he is but he lied to my face, tried to manipulate me, basically made fun of me that I was taking the break up so hard.

 

Now they are "a couple", I have to see him every now and then and I just want to beat him. I wake up in heated sweats at night in a rage. Before you go judging me, I am in counseling but it doesn't seem to get any better. I know the hatred will subside over time but how do I continue to work with this idiot when getting another job is not an option?

[imagine]

I would also have issue with those emails. Did she know about your mail when you sent it.

 

Be specific, why did you sent that mail to other ladies?

[cdt76]

I mispoke, I was on 3 weeks of training in South Carolina. I sent them to pass time as I was on a remote Navy base bored out of my mind with nothing to do. My phone was not working at the time as it had broken in half when she dropped it on the ground before the trip. I got internet service in the room but no cell reception. She checked my email that night and confronted me about it. I flew her out to see me that weekend. Spent $1000 dollars on hotels, air fare, and entertainment. I SHOWED her I loved her. I never left my room. Never had a single conversation with another woman, not even at bars on weekends while I was there. I never lied and I never cheated. It was stupid and foolish on my part and I admitted my failure. She left on a Monday and by Friday when I got home she was packed and leaving me. Little did I know, during the 4 days she was packing up to leave she started this relationship with my co-worker. I never lied about anything in our relationship. She and he used it as an excuse to get me out of the picture. Now I hate him and her so much that the rage consumes me. All I want to do is beat him so that he hurts as bad as I do/did.

[Dexter Morgan]

cd.....if you want to beat the living #$%&* s##t out of him....then what about her? She is the one that spread her legs and directly betrayed you.

 

No no...I am not saying you should beat her up, but you should be more angry with her...I understand the anger at the interloper, but you should be equally, if not moreso, angry with her.

 

How does the rage stop? You should start thinking of it in these terms. She is a pig...He can have her. She'll be looking to better deal him soon as the relationship becomes the same old same old.

 

she isn't worthy of a swamp rat......better him than you, and now you are free to go out and find a decent girl. they are out there, your X just isn't one of them.

[cdt76]

I put my anger for her onto him because of what we do for a living. We are in law enforcement. I had to (though not anymore) trust this guy with my life and I couldn't trust him with my girlfriend. I have hatred for her too but I put it on him for not being the more honorable person, especially considering out friendship and that I specifically asked him not to get involved with her. Don't get me wrong, I do hate her and think she is a whore (though parts of me love her like no other), just working with the A-hole KILLS me because it's a shot to my manhood that he can betray me and not have to suffer any consequences for it.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I put my anger for her onto him because of what we do for a living. We are in law enforcement. I had to (though not anymore) trust this guy with my life and I couldn't trust him with my girlfriend. I have hatred for her too but I put it on him for not being the more honorable person, especially considering out friendship and that I specifically asked him not to get involved with her. Don't get me wrong, I do hate her and think she is a whore (though parts of me love her like no other), just working with the A-hole KILLS me because it's a shot to my manhood that he can betray me and not have to suffer any consequences for it.

 

My suggestion is to just play all nicey nice... and get her back for a short period. Then dump her... and you win!

[cdt76]

She won't come back. She couldn't face me to do that. I wouldn't want her back because of what she did. I just hate her and him and want them to hurt..... A LOT

[HeartCrushed]

Since you mentioned you are in law enforcement perhaps take advantage of the counseling services your department has for issues such as the one you are experiencing. You are not alone and they would offer you the tools needed to cope at this time in your life. You might even talk to someone to see if a transfer to another department is available at this time and I am guessing if you explain the circumstance they probably would expedite this matter. Good luck.

[cdt76]

Unfortunately the only transfer would be out of state. I'm in counseling already. I have two kids from a previous marriage who I have half the time, so moving out of state is really the last option. Additionally, why should I have to move for him being a douche bag! Unfortunately the answer I seek is an answer that I'll never be able to bring to fruition. So, instead, work is miserable and the rage grows. Talking about it helps but when I see him, I go through the roof.

[seibert253]

This is simple, is ANY women worth losing your career and potentionally facing Jail time? NO, your right.

 

Yeah she and your buddy screwed you over. Sucks, but it happens. Happened to me, happened to plenty others here.

 

Stay in counseling, you will get better in time. It took me awhile to get over the anger and hatred for the guy who attempted to destroy my M. I'm like you, I also am in Law Enforcement. But, I realized early it's not worth it.

 

Finding another chick certainly helps dull the pain.

Peace Brother in Blue,

[RedDevil66]

What was the content of the other emails to these other women?

Did she talked to you about these emails and if they hurt her?

[Skump]

Hate is a bad emotion. It displaces productive feelings and rational thought, and makes personal growth pretty much impossible while it dominates. It also has a nasty and ironic way of making you into the kind of person you despise.

 

You should feel absolutely _relieved_ that you discovered just what sort of person your ex is after a mere 8 months. Some unlucky guys waste a lifetime on such women. Every extra second's thought you give this girl is just one more wasted on her. Don't let her cost you any more time or grief.

[cdt76]

Hate is a bad emotion. It displaces productive feelings and rational thought, and makes personal growth pretty much impossible while it dominates. It also has a nasty and ironic way of making you into the kind of person you despise.

 

You should feel absolutely _relieved_ that you discovered just what sort of person your ex is after a mere 8 months. Some unlucky guys waste a lifetime on such women. Every extra second's thought you give this girl is just one more wasted on her. Don't let her cost you any more time or grief.

 

 

I've been told this a thousand times but I lack any idea how to move on. This was a woman I was going to ask to marry me....even though I had vowed never to marry again. I have no idea who to just move on and let the anger go without some affirmative action to hurt the two who caused all this. I do not know how to move on. I do not know how to "let them be". I do not know how to let the woman of my dreams just go into an inferior mans arms. I will eventually I suppose. Time will lessen the pain, it would already be gone if I didn't have to work with the F&%cker. I am dating but the hatred is consuming me regardless of what I do otherwise. Can someone please just put a bullet in me!

[Trojan John]

Go to the gym. Channel that rage into a physical assault on the weights and heavy bag.

[TaraMaiden]

You say you're in Law Enforcement, but you're not more specific, so I can only guess you might be a front-line officer?

Do you think there's any danger you might channel this rage into your work and do some damage to some unsuspecting petty miscreant who just happens to get on the wrong side of you?

 

Because somehow, some way - this has got to come out. it has to.

You can't keep something of this magnitude bottled up for ever.

 

It is said that fury, Anger, rage - call it what you will - is like a hot and burning-red coal, that we pick up to hurl at someone else.

 

Two things happen:

You might well miss your mark entirely, but more importantly, you are burning yourself - hurting yourself - first.

 

This rage is ultimately self-destructive. In some way, if you don't work through it, it will turn on you and harm you, somehow.

 

As things stand, you're the least deserving, but you feel it - and will continue to feel it - the most.

 

Be entirely logical here, and leave wishful thinking way out of it.

 

What do you think you need to do to release the valve?

[cdt76]

You say you're in Law Enforcement, but you're not more specific, so I can only guess you might be a front-line officer?

Do you think there's any danger you might channel this rage into your work and do some damage to some unsuspecting petty miscreant who just happens to get on the wrong side of you?

 

Because somehow, some way - this has got to come out. it has to.

You can't keep something of this magnitude bottled up for ever.

 

It is said that fury, Anger, rage - call it what you will - is like a hot and burning-red coal, that we pick up to hurl at someone else.

 

Two things happen:

You might well miss your mark entirely, but more importantly, you are burning yourself - hurting yourself - first.

 

This rage is ultimately self-destructive. In some way, if you don't work through it, it will turn on you and harm you, somehow.

 

As things stand, you're the least deserving, but you feel it - and will continue to feel it - the most.

 

Be entirely logical here, and leave wishful thinking way out of it.

 

What do you think you need to do to release the valve?

 

 

I'm a fugitive officer so yes, I'm front line, so to speak. No, my rage is specifically directed and typically only when I am in my office. I am not afraid it will get released on anyone else but my co-worker, which would be worse then taking it out on a dirtbag. To answer a previous post, I took up boxing as a physical activity. I work out so much lately that I've lost almost 25 lbs. I'm now below 160 lbs. I have been working on keeping busy, thought stopping (actively trying to stop thinking about the two of them) physical fitness, hanging out with new people, I don't hang out with anyone at work any longer, doing things with my kids, hell I've even dated girls. It's been 3 months since this ocurred. I thought by October the anger would go away but it hasn't. It is managable when I get enough sleep to fight it off. But there are nights when I can't sleep and the next day, I'm a mess. I'm on this forum to talk about it when it becomes too much to handle. There has been no contact between her and I, though I see him regularly. This guy did and said things to me that I will never forgive and therefore the anger will probably always rage. For example, he helped her move out of my house but when they left (I wasn't there for the weekend) they left my house door wide open for a day and a half.....and I live in the CITY! Luckily nothing got stolen but it's the lack of respect. A girlfriend of mine said I need to let them go and be together. That is something that I am trying to figure out how to do because I hate them so much. Any suggestions?

[TaraMaiden]

Well, yes, I do have suggestions, and I know that implemented with dedication and perseverance, they do work.

But I can't PM you because you haven't accumulated enough posts, or been a member for long enough.

The remedy has a Buddhist/spiritual overtone, but I'm not into imposing that on anyone, particularly unsolicited and on a public thread.

 

So I won't go into any details without your permission.

[cdt76]

Please do. I am not opposed to any solutions, religious, meditation, medication or otherwise!

[TaraMaiden]

Bang on.

meditation it is.

 

You sit, quietly, close your eyes, and permit the anger to manifest.

Actually focus on it.

Let it rise, bring it all up, and let it absolutely fill you, and take you over.

 

But in the middle of all of this, you have to observe your tension.

I mean, really observe it.

Focus on it.

Watch it.

"See" exactly where, within you, your rage is concentrated.

 

Is it in your throat?

The pit of your stomach?

Your fists?

Your jawline?

Your shoulders?

back?

Upper arms?

 

All of the above?

Find it. Wherever it is.

Acknowledge it as valid.

Understand that it's there for a reason.

 

It's there, because you put it there.

She didn't.

He didn't.

 

You did.

 

You developed it, nourished it, and made it grow to gargantuan proportions.

And that's ok.

 

But now, it has outworn its welcome, and needs to move.

 

So whilst always observing the physical feeling of your anger, and where it is, start to breathe, deeply in, for a count of five though your nose, hold it for a count of six, and let it go for a count of ten.

 

As you breathe in, suggest to yourself that your breath is travelling to that injured part of you where the anger is.

And as you hold your breath, it is encircling and swirling around that anger. And as you breathe out, it takes the anger with it, and dissipates it harmlessly into the atmosphere.

As you breathe out, just say to yourself, quietly, "Let it go"...

Colour it, if you want, as your breath enters, sits and aswirls, and leaves again, taking all the furious crap with it.....

 

You might have to do this for several locations, one after the other, but as you focus on one particular area, and as you breathe out the anger, relax that area, and suggest to yourself that it's clearing up, and cleaning out.

 

You might also have to do this several times, not just at one sitting.

Be gentle and forgiving to yourself.... it takes time, it takes perseverance, and you have to drop the resistance.

You have to want to do this.

 

You don't have to do this for hours....

Don't spend ages, but take five minutes now and then, to sit quietly, and release yourself from the obligation of hating.

Hating somebody, only engenders more hatred. you can't fight hatred with hatred, so you have to fight it with love, Compassion and acceptance.

For yourself.

It's ok to feel this way, but after a while, it just eats you up.

 

When you finish, and you feel you've done all you can, open your eyes, and have a long drink of water.

I'm serious.

Sitting for any period of time, concentrating on mental emetics is tiring.

Thinking dehydrates you.

Water cleanses.

 

Time to clean up.

[cdt76]

Bang on.

meditation it is.

 

You sit, quietly, close your eyes, and permit the anger to manifest.

Actually focus on it.

Let it rise, bring it all up, and let it absolutely fill you, and take you over.

 

But in the middle of all of this, you have to observe your tension.

I mean, really observe it.

Focus on it.

Watch it.

"See" exactly where, within you, your rage is concentrated.

 

Is it in your throat?

The pit of your stomach?

Your fists?

Your jawline?

Your shoulders?

back?

Upper arms?

 

All of the above?

Find it. Wherever it is.

Acknowledge it as valid.

Understand that it's there for a reason.

 

It's there, because you put it there.

She didn't.

He didn't.

 

You did.

 

You developed it, nourished it, and made it grow to gargantuan proportions.

And that's ok.

 

But now, it has outworn its welcome, and needs to move.

 

So whilst always observing the physical feeling of your anger, and where it is, start to breathe, deeply in, for a count of five though your nose, hold it for a count of six, and let it go for a count of ten.

 

As you breathe in, suggest to yourself that your breath is travelling to that injured part of you where the anger is.

And as you hold your breath, it is encircling and swirling around that anger. And as you breathe out, it takes the anger with it, and dissipates it harmlessly into the atmosphere.

As you breathe out, just say to yourself, quietly, "Let it go"...

Colour it, if you want, as your breath enters, sits and aswirls, and leaves again, taking all the furious crap with it.....

 

You might have to do this for several locations, one after the other, but as you focus on one particular area, and as you breathe out the anger, relax that area, and suggest to yourself that it's clearing up, and cleaning out.

 

You might also have to do this several times, not just at one sitting.

Be gentle and forgiving to yourself.... it takes time, it takes perseverance, and you have to drop the resistance.

You have to want to do this.

 

You don't have to do this for hours....

Don't spend ages, but take five minutes now and then, to sit quietly, and release yourself from the obligation of hating.

Hating somebody, only engenders more hatred. you can't fight hatred with hatred, so you have to fight it with love, Compassion and acceptance.

For yourself.

It's ok to feel this way, but after a while, it just eats you up.

 

When you finish, and you feel you've done all you can, open your eyes, and have a long drink of water.

I'm serious.

Sitting for any period of time, concentrating on mental emetics is tiring.

Thinking dehydrates you.

Water cleanses.

 

Time to clean up.

 

 

Thank you. I'm going to print this out and do it. thank you so much.

[TaraMaiden]

Persevere.

It works.

I wish you much luck.

Keep posting, and hang in there.

[cdt76]

I just found out they went on a trip out east for a long weekend. I could care less except for the fact that I paid for that plane ticket she used! If she had just left me and left my life and paid me back for all the money I spent on her, I don't think I'd have as much anger. I spent $1000 for a weekend trip to South Carolina, $400 on a season ticket to college football team for her, $300 for a ticket to Florida, which I couldn't change, so she got to keep it, $2000 on a hot tub, $5000 on a jet ski, AND gave her $500 to get into her new apartment a week early. I bought all this stuff with her thinking she would be around to help me pay it off. Not to mention, I got rid of all my bedroom and living room furniture to make room for her stuff. I spent $700 on new bedroom furniture and my living room is empty along with my freaking bank account. So, I've had to try your meditation thing today already!

[cdt76]

And yes, I am an idiot for doing all this in the first place.

[TaraMaiden]

Listen to me carefully:

 

Whilst their actions have been indicative of two extremely selfish, self-centred and frankly reprehensible people, they haven't actually inflicted any physical damage, that is going to affect your anatomical function.

 

In other words, you're still in one piece.

 

However, the psychological damage we go through cuts deeper - or has the potential to....

This is where the pain is. In your head.

And while I know - really, truly, believe me, I do know - how very destructive such actions can be, ultimately we are in charge of what goes on between our ears.

 

It won't be easy, and I know that what I put down as constructive advice a while ago, seems simplistic, but the fight now, is with yourself.

You can rant, rave and rage against them all you want, but the bottom line is, what you think, how you think it, why you think it and how often, is under your control.

 

Breathe.

Really deeply, and slowly.

In deep,out sloooow.

 

Take care of you.

[Lizzie60]

Boy... oboy.. do I ever know how you feel... for me, it's not as bad as your case.. but I know the feeling for revenge..

 

In your case, him working with you must be much harder.. avoid him at all costs.. ignore him when you see him...

 

They will not be together all their life.. trust me on that one.. and if he ever get a gf.. seduce her..