Dealing with the Rage of being Cheated on

[lamaman3]

First of all, your gf didnt cheat on you - she dumped you for your friend. Its normal to feel depressed, sad, angry whatever - but Im at a loss as to why you think they did some terrible thing. Obviously she wanted to be with him more than with you so she broke up with you and started dating him. Given her feelings, what would you expect her to do? Suck it up and continue to date you even though shed rather date him? The dating scene is a free market - if you had alot of other options I dont think youd be so angry that you were dumped.

[cdt76]

Not true. She started seeing him while I was in training and I basically put them together because I TRUSTED the as$hole! I'm sorry, there is no way to justify their behavior. I hate them both but can only take it out on one of them.

[lamaman3]

Ok so you were in training and thats when she left you for him. Yea it sucks for you but I mean this stuff happens all the time. You were only with her for a few months. Just sort through your feelings to get over it ASAP instead of pretending its some kind of great injustice in the history of the world. And yea - spending all that money on her was your fault.

[TaraMaiden]

I hate them both but can only take it out on one of them.

 

Not so.

They are both equally guilty, therefore your focus, being on only one of them, is distorted and biased.

Your anger is at the betrayal of your trust, and being made a fool of.

They both did that.

Would you take her back?

Of course not.

So why exempt her from your focus?

 

If however, what you mean by "take it out on one of them" is giving the guy a good whupping, then that too, is inadvisable, isn't it?

 

For my part, I need you to concentrate on the exercise I gave you.

Seriously, there's a part two... but I'm not going there until I know, from you, that the first one has been effective.

 

OK?

[cdt76]

I've used it....several times. It does work...for a little while. I'm getting better at putting it out of my mind. For the first two months it was non-stop. I almost ran into the guy coming around a corner but did not say anything. What concerns me is seeing him out in public. I do not know how I will handle that. Seeing her has a physical affect on me, the likes of which I've never experienced. As for it only being 8 months, I was getting ready to pop the question to her. I expect if seen in public I'd just walk away, using the meditation technique but I can't be sure.

[TaraMaiden]

Ok....It's like driving a car. or a great big haulage transporting truck... you get better with practise, but right now you still have potential to do a lot of damage if you lose your concentration.

 

Dumb as it sounds, whilst you're doing your focussing exercises (for want of better descriptions) try focussing on your anger, and visualise them, him/her, at the same time, as the source, or root of your anger. Put them in that place, and 'release' them, as you breathe out.

 

I'm not talking about release' as in 'let off the hook'.... Not yet.

You can't be there yet.

I get that....

 

What I mean is, that in time, I'd like it for you to be able to see them, and just release the emotion safely, even with them right in front of you.

is this making any sense?

 

I'm trying to get you to a place where in actual fact, you can feel the anger start to rise, and you can dissipate it before the feeling becomes intense.....

[Quest]

What was the content of the other emails to these other women?

Did she talked to you about these emails and if they hurt her?

 

These questions are important, although two wrongs don't make a right. If the emails showed you were interested in these other women she might might just have been angry enough to go off with someone who was showing her interest. It doesn't make it right but it might explain why she did it. And if that was the case, it might help you to understand ... just my thoughts.

[cdt76]

The emails had nothing to do with this. I know this because they were not that bad. She simply used it as an excuse to dump me and continue with the emotional/physical relationship she found appealing with my "friend/Co-worker" while I was gone. Tara, I understand what you are saying however, the depth of this anger goes so deep and the hatred so pure that to have them both standing in front of me would be a very bad situation for him. I'm not sure if I can ever get to that point you are talking about simply because I'm not sure I ever want to. That may put me in a bad light as a person but I do not want to be in the same room with any individual who is capable of what they did. I just had another good friend of mine smack his wife around. There is no way, I can be that guys friend now. Even in my situation, I've never once thought about getting physical with my ex just the dude who betrayed me. If she had left me and left my life and friends and gone her own way, I would not be in this situation today. Instead, my personal life is all over my work place. I do not associate with co-workers outside of work and that is a no tolerance policy now. I am sociable but I do not contact anyone here outside of work hours. I'm a good enough person who built my life here once, I can do it again. Unfortunately, this situation has changed me. I used to be an open book, friendly and talk to anyone about anything. Now, I question everyone about what I can divulge personally. The manipulation, humiliation and lying the two of them did goes beyone anything I can forgive. Maybe years from now, I won't care and I can bury it. But I will never talk to him again....well, maybe the day they breakup, I'll go do a celebration F-YOU dance in his office.

[TaraMaiden]

Ok, well, your thread is titled, "dealing with the rage....." and in your first post, you ask....

...how do I continue to work with this idiot when getting another job is not an option?

 

 

And now, you say:

 

I'm not sure if I can ever get to that point you are talking about simply because I'm not sure I ever want to.

 

Well, let me put it simply:

It's up to you.

The hard work, determination and resolve is your job, because nobody can do this for you.

And if you don't want to do it, then rest assured in yourself, that this feeling may last for years, simply because you decide you don't ever want to get past it.

If you're comfortable with that, then stay as you are, because that's all the effort you need to make.

If however, you realise that staying as you are is neither good for you, your work or your state of mind - then you have a decision to make.

 

It's up to you. It always was, and it always shall be.

As a good friend of mine recently discovered,

 

There is no real reward for holding on to the hurt, even if everything internal is telling us differently.

[Spectre]

You know what makes it better? Just think to yourself that he can be with the trash. You are better off without a chick like this, while he's stuck in a relationship with a cheating ho.

 

Then when you think about it..it's like..why be mad over a ho? Hoes don't change, so your buddy is gonna end up getting screwed over too.

[lamaman3]

You know what makes it better? Just think to yourself that he can be with the trash. You are better off without a chick like this, while he's stuck in a relationship with a cheating ho.

 

Then when you think about it..it's like..why be mad over a ho? Hoes don't change, so your buddy is gonna end up getting screwed over too.

 

Lets stop this nonsense. How is she a "cheating ho??" She dumped him for his friend. If being a dumper makes you a horrible person I think wed all be guilty of that charge at some point in our lives. For the OP's own sake, he needs to grow a pair of balls - out of 7 billion people on this planet - one girl dumped you and got together with your friend/coworker. The sooner you get over it and move on the happier your life will be. The more you dwell on how terrible he/she is for not loving you forever the longer youll be miserable.

[Spectre]

Lets stop this nonsense. How is she a "cheating ho??" She dumped him for his friend. If being a dumper makes you a horrible person I think wed all be guilty of that charge at some point in our lives.

 

The topic has the word "cheated" in it. From the way he worded his post, it sounded like she found the emails he had written and used it as an excuse to start a relationship with his friend *before* breaking up with the dude who wrote the topic.

 

If that is the case..well, that is cheating. Thus my "cheating ho" comment.

 

Not to mention dumping a guy for his friend is trashy in and of itself.

 

 

For the OP's own sake, he needs to grow a pair of balls - out of 7 billion people on this planet - one girl dumped you and got together with your friend/coworker. The sooner you get over it and move on the happier your life will be. The more you dwell on how terrible he/she is for not loving you forever the longer youll be miserable.

 

Which is all fine, but it doesn't make his ex any less of a cheating ho, if indeed she did cheat.

[lamaman3]

The topic has the word "cheated" in it. From the way he worded his post, it sounded like she found the emails he had written and used it as an excuse to start a relationship with his friend *before* breaking up with the dude who wrote the topic.

 

LOL WHAT???

 

By definition, when you use emails as an excuse to start a relationship with someone = you dump someone for their friend.

 

Which is all fine, but it doesn't make his ex any less of a cheating ho, if indeed she did cheat.

 

Yes but people with lives and important men don't take up mental energy worrying about which women are "cheating hos." And you really should strike the word "ho" and "slut" out of your vocabularity. It screams insecurity. If anything this girl is the opposite of a "ho" - since a "whore" has sex for money - and she dumped this guy even though he was throwing all his money at her. Sounds like this guy wishes she was more of a "ho." LOL

[Spectre]

LOL WHAT???

 

By definition, when you use emails as an excuse to start a relationship with someone = you dump someone for their friend.

 

When you start that relationship before breaking up with your current boyfriend=cheating ho.

 

 

Yes but people with lives and important men don't take up mental energy worrying about which women are "cheating hos."

 

What mental energy? This isn't rocket science dude. Chick cheats on her bf, she's a ho. Guy cheats on his gf? He's an a-hole/manwhore, whichever you wanna go with. There isn't much to it, it doesn't take much "mental energy" at all to figure out. I'd love if we lived in a world without sluts,a-holes,whores,manwhores, etc. but sadly we do not.

 

 

And you really should strike the word "ho" and "slut" out of your vocabularity. It screams insecurity.

 

Strike the word ho and slut? Why? If the shoe fits..and all that.

 

How come whenever you call someone a name, especially when the name is deserved, people come at you with "you must be insecure" and all that? Can't the chick..just be a hoe?

 

I mean ok, let's say a guy is getting married, day before the wedding he walks in on his fiance banging 4 strange men. He says outloud "damn, what a ho!" Now, is this because deep down he is oh so insecure..or rather simply because his fiance *was* indeed a ho?

 

 

If anything this girl is the opposite of a "ho" - since a "whore" has sex for money - and she dumped this guy even though he was throwing all his money at her.

 

Are you really nitpicking over this? Hilarious. Anyways, the word "whore" has taken on new meanings over the years. Just like when you call someone a "fag" you aren't always saying they are gay, it's just an insult. Still, if you don't like the word ho I can always just say slut.

 

 

Sounds like this guy wishes she was more of a "ho." LOL

 

Eh, she cheated on him with his friend. You can't really become much more of a hoe than that, short of inviting all dudes friends over for a gangbang or something.

Edited October 18, 2009 by Spectre

[lamaman3]

 

I mean ok, let's say a guy is getting married, day before the wedding he walks in on his fiance banging 4 strange men. He says outloud "damn, what a ho!" Now, is this because deep down he is oh so insecure..or rather simply because his fiance *was* indeed a ho?.

 

In that case shes a liar - what difference does it make whether she was banging 4 dudes or 1 dude? You obviously think a woman banging 4 strange men is a "ho" regardless of whether shes engaged or not. Yet I'm sure you probably watch porn of the same thing. Its a typical M/W complex. Call women liars and cheaters - "ho's and sluts" meaning is to judge someone on their sexual behavior - it dosent imply someone that lies and cheats.

 

Its really not an argument I care so much to argue about though - because men that call women whores and sluts because they want to bang 2 guys instead of 1 when they are single or whatever - are really creating their own punishment - by cutting off their access to the true sexuality that all women posesss. These men will be LESS succesfull with women - PERIOD.

 

 

 

Are you really nitpicking over this? Hilarious. Anyways, the word "whore" has taken on new meanings over the years. Just like when you call someone a "fag" you aren't always saying they are gay, it's just an insult. Still, if you don't like the word ho I can always just say slut.

 

You think "fag" is an appropriate insult? How old are you ? 14?

 

 

 

Eh, she cheated on him with his friend. You can't really become much more of a hoe than that, short of inviting all dudes friends over for a gangbang or something.

 

LOL - my point exactly. She didnt cheat on him. She "used the emails as an excuse to break up with him." Shes moved on so why hasnt he? Instead of moving on hes obsessed over her "cheating" when she couldnt care less. Having a million losers call her a "ho" on loveshack dosent change that. But my point stands - that you think there is some difference, whether she cheated with one dude or 2, 3 or 4, gangbang or whatever shows that you have some obsession with how a "slut" behaves vs a "pure" woman. If she cheated, she cheated. The fact that you know enough to think of situations like a gangbang makes me think youve been spending too much time on youporn. Since you judge real life women for "dirty" behavior you have to get your fix of it in the fantasy world.

[lamaman3]

What mental energy? This isn't rocket science dude. Chick cheats on her bf, she's a ho. Guy cheats on his gf? He's an a-hole/manwhore, whichever you wanna go with. There isn't much to it, it doesn't take much "mental energy" at all to figure out. I'd love if we lived in a world without sluts,a-holes,whores,manwhores, etc. but sadly we do not.

 

Who do you think is more attractive to women? A man who says "eh, she left me for my friend. I'll find someone who is more deserving of my time and hope shes happy with him and leaves me alone." OR "Shes a whore! A Slut! How dare she leave me! Slut! Whore! Bitch! *sob*"

 

One is a leader in this world. The other is a baby. You figure out which is which.

[cdt76]

Who do you think is more attractive to women? A man who says "eh, she left me for my friend. I'll find someone who is more deserving of my time and hope shes happy with him and leaves me alone." OR "Shes a whore! A Slut! How dare she leave me! Slut! Whore! Bitch! *sob*"

 

One is a leader in this world. The other is a baby. You figure out which is which.

 

 

I've tried not calling her any names. But anytime you are "IN LOVE" and you begin an emotional/physical relationship BEFORE you break up with someone, you cheated. She cheated. He is a liar and a coward. This is not name calling, this is defining what they did.

 

When I say I can't forgive him ever, that means he will never be my friend again, and I will disassociate myself from him and everyone at work on a personal level. Professionally, I will continue to do what I do as best I can.

 

I have been trying to address the rage by stopping the thoughts about them. It's a long process and unfortunately, slow.

[You'reasian]

I've tried not calling her any names. But anytime you are "IN LOVE" and you begin an emotional/physical relationship BEFORE you break up with someone, you cheated. She cheated. He is a liar and a coward. This is not name calling, this is defining what they did.

 

When I say I can't forgive him ever, that means he will never be my friend again, and I will disassociate myself from him and everyone at work on a personal level. Professionally, I will continue to do what I do as best I can.

 

I have been trying to address the rage by stopping the thoughts about them. It's a long process and unfortunately, slow.

 

You remember the song "Lean on Me"...

 

Find your bro's (friends outside of work) and spend some good quality time with them. They will help you get over it - yeah, you might seem like a drag on them - but if they are your friends and they understand you, they'll carry you until you can walk on your own.

[You'reasian]

My girlfriend of 8 months started a relationship with a good friend / co-worker of mine while I was away on 3 weeks vacation. She said I was not as into the relationship as much as she was. She was untrusting of me and was checking my email account prior to her moving in with me. I didn't know this. I wrote a couple emails to girls while on training, basically to kill time in a remote area with nothing to do. She used those emails as an excuse to start this relationship with my co-worker. She moved out and kept blaming me for the breakup. I found out about their relationship, because I'm not stupid. My problem and this is why I'm writing here, is that I want have so much rage towards this co-worker that I want to beat the living $^&&**%# out of him. She is no better than he is but he lied to my face, tried to manipulate me, basically made fun of me that I was taking the break up so hard.

 

Now they are "a couple", I have to see him every now and then and I just want to beat him. I wake up in heated sweats at night in a rage. Before you go judging me, I am in counseling but it doesn't seem to get any better. I know the hatred will subside over time but how do I continue to work with this idiot when getting another job is not an option?

 

Keep your contact with your co-worker cool and professional. Let it slide. Any person who makes fun of you in an excessive and derrogatory way (not just jabbing or poking fun like friends do) is obviously not your friend.

 

This woman you were dating was not yours. You do not own her. She does not own you - remember that.

Edited October 19, 2009 by You'reasian

[cdt76]

No I do not own anyone but myself. I understand that. I've done the friend thing and it has helped. Just wish they would both move to another planet.

[TaraMaiden]

If wishes were horses, we'd all be derby winners....

 

well, as you can't have the impossible, you must work with what IS possible.

 

You also need to take a look at this thread.....

GrayClouds was feeling it too......

[cdt76]

I agree with him. I think in my case I kept hold of the hurt to justify my love. To not hurt and hold it for a period of time would then mean (at least for me) that I did not love her. If she can move onto another man, then she did not love me. I know that. My feelings were real and holding onto the hurt helped me accept those feelings. Now, somewhere along the way, feeling miserable felt better than being happy. That is when outside help was brought in. The hurt turned into anger when the truth came to light. I do not hold onto the anger for any self-interest. It is what it is, a large amount of anger. I am living my life now, I wasn't two months ago. Progress has been made, though anger for them will always be with me, no matter what direction my life goes. It's not that I hang onto it. Maybe in time it will lessen. I don't know. But healing is a slow process for me. It's working. This site has helped too.

[Canuck81]

Similar situation here. Wife (been together 10 years) left for co-worker & best friend. Haven't been in to work yet and I -need- this job. Monday morning meetings should be a blast.

[cdt76]

Similar situation here. Wife (been together 10 years) left for co-worker & best friend. Haven't been in to work yet and I -need- this job. Monday morning meetings should be a blast.

 

 

What are you going to do? I can't change my job either.

[cdt76]

So basically this girl took over my friends and co-workers. I didn't fight over it because I figured if they wanted to be around her more than me, they aren't worth my time. So last night I got a message on myspace from the wife of one of my ex's male co-workers. Over the summer I bought a jet ski from one of his friends. The wife asked me if they could rent my jet ski next summer to go to Florida. I politely declined the request and basically said that I don't feel comfortable associating with any of my ex's friends. I also politely asked her to take my pictures from New Years Eve off her page (bunch of pics of me and the ex) as it is too painful for me to see. I wished her the best and then deleted her from my friends list. First was this acceptable and not harsh? Second, why contact me at all?