Dealing with the Rage of being Cheated on

[Dexter Morgan]

So basically this girl took over my friends and co-workers. I didn't fight over it because I figured if they wanted to be around her more than me, they aren't worth my time. So last night I got a message on myspace from the wife of one of my ex's male co-workers. Over the summer I bought a jet ski from one of his friends. The wife asked me if they could rent my jet ski next summer to go to Florida. I politely declined the request and basically said that I don't feel comfortable associating with any of my ex's friends. I also politely asked her to take my pictures from New Years Eve off her page (bunch of pics of me and the ex) as it is too painful for me to see. I wished her the best and then deleted her from my friends list. First was this acceptable and not harsh? Second, why contact me at all?

 

you are in your right mind to not want to associate with those people. anyone that would take her side on it aren't people you want to associate with.....birds of a feather flock together

[cdt76]

Unfortunately, all the birds do flock together and I'm left sitting in an empty nest. I have to start over with building a new circle of social interaction and my employment situation is awful. Muddle through I suppose with a lot of heavy breathing and meditation.

[TaraMaiden]

cdt, you have to want to let go of this for your discipline to be as effective as you'd like it to be.

Pain, is counter-productive.

Anger is counter-productive.

being unwilling to let go is the most counter-productive of all, therefore doing these exercises isn't going to get you anywhere fast, unless it's with the express resolve of really getting over - and getting past - this.

All this hurts, because of your reluctance to let this slide, gradually, into a tiny speck....

or your belief that it's simply not possible.

 

It's been said that the opposite of Love, is not Hate.

Not so.

The opposite of Love is Indifference.

Whilst you hate, you cling to something as closely as if you loved it.

The best form of revenge you could have, is the attitude that frankly - Who cares?

 

"You guys can do this to me? Imagine what you could do to each other! And I don't give a damn..."

You have to get to the point when you think of this and shrug.

 

Remember what Henry Ford said:

 

"Whether you think you can, or whether you think you can't - you're right."

[cdt76]

Tara, you are a great therapist! I just don't know how to get from here to there. I'm trying. Today has been the first day in about 2 weeks that I've felt this low....AND I haven't punched anyone yet! I just need time.

[TaraMaiden]

"Why?" is a great question....

 

Whenever you get a thought invading your mind... for example,

....."I can't let go of this...."

 

Ask, in response, "Why?"

 

Then answer.

And to that answer, ask, "Why?"

 

and then answer.

And to that answer, ask, "Why?"

 

And then answer.

 

Until you exhaust the questions, and you realise the self-sabotaging effect of the pain you are causing yourself.

 

Be honest.

Be ruthless.

Be deep.

 

But get to the bottom of it.

 

I suspect - as I have always discovered with myself - that it's got a lot to do with a severely bruised Ego.

 

That's not a criticism or an insult, please understand.

It is just what it is.

 

We scream at the injustice of the pain caused to our Ego.

 

But investigate for yourself, and always ask why.....

[georgito]

Hey cdt,

 

I just finished a vacation with my kids in boston visiting nanny before I returned to a ship where I work, guess what! 2 weeks before I had to be aboard my girlfriend (who also works on the ship) of 3 years, no fights & good sex, happy couple tells me it's over and cuts me out of any further conversation until the night I get on the plane and tells me we are really done and she is in love with a low level employee. WTF! I was not sure if I could make myself board the ship I hurt so bad.

this has been a rather uncomfortable voyage so far for me but fortunatly the day I arrived she was transfered to another ship but he is still here..

I am the boss here, he knew I was in love with her, he tracked her down and had his way. Now do you think I pissed? embarrased? shackled by my position unable to do anything to him? I do realize that it was ultimately her doing as she could have said no. but I'm still pissed at him.

 

My emotions have been all over the place sure it would have been worse if she was here, thank god she wasn't someone or all of us would have lost jobs.

I have 90 people looking at me wondering what I'm going to do. I am embarrased by being dumped

I aint gonna do a dam thing cdt, **** the both of them in the end they will get theirs, job perfomance is down, they feel guilty I'll just let them **** themselves and you should too.

It took me two weeks to come to this point, last week I was still in disbelief and emailing my true love feelings to her. don't do that as thats just another week wasted.

Try to put yourself above them, like a product that you purchase over and over again that just keeps breaking, some things are pieces of crap. some people are 2.

 

I'm 45 years old and have made a life out of loving women all over the world some for a day some for years you would think that I would have let this run like water off a ducks back after allI have done in my very fun life but instead I felt like I was 16 and broken hearted all over again..just ignore them the best you can and watch the unhappiness roll their way. if you stay strong one of them will most likley quit when things go south. Wait for that don't get fired because of those 2 *******s.

 

Smooth Sailing,

Geo

[cdt76]

GEO. You sound like a man who has figured out how to hold back the anger. I haven't been the same since all this happened. I no longer associate with anyone at work. My other friends have all dried up due to busy lives. So, I did what any stupid father would do. I put in for a promotion in Washington, DC (I live in St. Louis now) and I got it. So I contacted my ex wife and she informed me that her boyfriend proposed to her and she might be moving to South Carolina within the next year or so. So....I'm a mess.

 

I think if I were any weaker of a person, I'd have commited myself to a hospital at this point until life settles down and F@$^&**ked up things stop happening. If it weren't for my kids, I'd have loved this opportunity more than I do. The move for me won't happen for 6 months or so..maybe longer, maybe a bit shorter. I dont' know. But by then, maybe I'll be better able to see it as a new start (again).

 

I haven't had contact with either of them Since the beginning of September. As for what you should do....if you are the boss, you should fire him. Or make him want to quit. Or next port, leave without him. I'm evil like that.

[georgito]

cdt, I'm still pissed but what can you do? I can't/won't force anyone to be with me not even a dog just gotta find a new one.

 

You cracked me up this morning with your reply, what do you think? That I have an eye patch and a spare plank laying around! god I can't even yell at people anymore damn lawsuits are horrible. For a personal matter it would be even worse for me, god I miss the old days, my crew would have taken care of the both of them.... but we live in a civilized world now where people are rewarded for behaving badly... heck, you should have been a ship's officer in the good old days.. Maybe you were! good luck, Mr. Bligh hope it's getting better for you:)

[cdt76]

I know what you mean, the civilized society we live in is crap. I think the ways of the old west would work well in today's society. People wouldn't be as quick to veer off the path of right because the consequences would be swift and severe. It's more about being accountable for ones actions in today's society. I hold myself to the highest of standards. If I can't live up to them then I work harder to make myself better to reach those goals. Not many people do the same thing. I've started "checking" people off my list of associates because they do not hold themselves to the standards I hold for myself. That is wrong. I know it. But I can't stop myself from doing it. I was at a birthday party for a co-workers 4 year old yesterday. My kids loved it...so many kids, games and food. But emotionally I was a wreck because all I thought about was when we used to hang out together with my ex girlfriend, partying and having fun. I won't be hanging out with anyone of them again. I just can't do it. I hope you have better luck GEO. I really do.

[bluestraps]

Go to a hardware store and find some large shipping or packing boxes ina stack and fold the flaps in.And go find a nice open area say in a basement!!! and take a baseball bat and hit the crap out of thoes boxes. over and over until they are no longer able to be stood up to hit them. Also write the name of the cheater or the name of the cheatee.... (that's a technical term!!!)) on the box . try that whenever you get angry. I have a huge stack of destroyed boxes in little peices. You should see it ....lol....

[cdt76]

I did one better. I took up boxing. I go to a gym 4 times a week. 3 Times to train and once to spar. I actually get to hit another human being and it's legal and I get to hit him as hard as I can. I go every week! It helps like no medicine ever could! Only problem is that it's training me very well to kick someone's A$$!! LOL

[TaraMaiden]

Try a Martial art, like Kendo or Karate...

These disciplines - when taught correctly - work on body, but also mind and spirit....

You get taught that a true combatant learns his skill to such a level of excellence and art, so as to teach him that avoidance of conflict is the true aim of the discipline...

As with many oriental Martial Arts, the main discipline is the control and Mastery of the Self......

[Dexter Morgan]

I did one better. I took up boxing. I go to a gym 4 times a week. 3 Times to train and once to spar. I actually get to hit another human being and it's legal and I get to hit him as hard as I can. I go every week! It helps like no medicine ever could! Only problem is that it's training me very well to kick someone's A$$!! LOL

 

what i found did me wonders is I took all my anger to the gym. lemme tell you, one really gets motivated to push some real weight while working off anger.

 

now that it isn't a motivator anymore, I still go to the gym, but I try to think about things that stress me out and that helps.

 

not only will ya feel better, you will look fantastic for getting out there and meeting new women. Let this experience be another woman's gain

[cdt76]

Try a Martial art, like Kendo or Karate...

These disciplines - when taught correctly - work on body, but also mind and spirit....

You get taught that a true combatant learns his skill to such a level of excellence and art, so as to teach him that avoidance of conflict is the true aim of the discipline...

As with many oriental Martial Arts, the main discipline is the control and Mastery of the Self......

 

 

Never in my life have I been so close to losing control as I was today when I saw A*****hole in the office. It took every bit of mental effort to overcome the HUGE flow of adrenylin that hit me the second I saw him. CONTROL is something I've always had. I said nothing to him. I went to my office and started shaking uncontrollably for about 20 minutes. The anger over the last couple of weeks has become more under control then it was. But it is still there. I can't get it out of me. But the boxing helps. I think I'm moving as well. I got offered a promotion and am moving to DC I believe at the beginning of December or there abouts. So that will also help.

[imagine]

I got offered a promotion and am moving to DC I believe at the beginning of December or there abouts. So that will also help.

 

Good for you! I hope that this will change you emphasis on your X friend.

 

Bearing a grudge has more effect on you than him. Anyway, don't blame him blame your loser girlfriend.

[TaraMaiden]

Never in my life have I been so close to losing control as I was today when I saw A*****hole in the office. It took every bit of mental effort to overcome the HUGE flow of adrenylin that hit me the second I saw him. CONTROL is something I've always had. I said nothing to him. I went to my office and started shaking uncontrollably for about 20 minutes. The anger over the last couple of weeks has become more under control then it was. But it is still there. I can't get it out of me. But the boxing helps. I think I'm moving as well. I got offered a promotion and am moving to DC I believe at the beginning of December or there abouts. So that will also help.

 

Proves then, you are capable, and that you can do it.

But the shaking was bad.

Let me tell you, I am Italian, vitriolic, temperamental and volatile.

I am a passionate person, and I can tell you, mastering the Art of Qi Gong, to the point that I am now a qualified teacher - has been a life-saver for me.

Martial Arts are a complete discipline.

You could do worse than investigate them.

But I'm glad about your move. This will put physical distance between you, and enable you to develop a new circle of friends.

You have to develop Trust again, because your life depends on trusting your fellow officers and colleagues.

Integrity is necessary in a job like yours, and I'm sure there are like-minded officers around for you to begin to trust again.

Above all, part of this anger - I know, it sounds screwy - is a perverse anger at yourself that you still feel this way after all this....

so you have to learn to love yourself above others.

Not in a selfish egotistic way, but in a way that preserves your qualities without compromising your Loyalty to your job, and to humanity.

Once you have this serenity, you will love yourself - and an other - again.

[cdt76]

Tara. There are two issues with the move that I am struggling with. 1 - My kids are here and I'll be moving a long way away from them. 2 - I do not want this A hole to think that he won and I'm leaving because of him. I want him to die and go into the ground and be gone. That is bad but the truth. My anger for myself for falling into this situation and being manipulated is very accurate. I hate them both and I hate myself. I'm getting better at forgiving myself but it takes time. Space will help. Hopefully my promotion will put me into a position to forever ruin his career! HA! That is a grudge but so what. He deserves it because he doesn't deserve to be in this job.

[TaraMaiden]

Tara. There are two issues with the move that I am struggling with. 1 - My kids are here and I'll be moving a long way away from them. 2 - I do not want this A hole to think that he won and I'm leaving because of him. I want him to die and go into the ground and be gone. That is bad but the truth. My anger for myself for falling into this situation and being manipulated is very accurate. I hate them both and I hate myself. I'm getting better at forgiving myself but it takes time. Space will help. Hopefully my promotion will put me into a position to forever ruin his career! HA! That is a grudge but so what. He deserves it because he doesn't deserve to be in this job.

 

There is only one issue with the move you are struggling with, and that is that you'll be moving away from your kids.

The other issue is entirely imaginary - that is, it's just a mental construct of your mind.

And that is dangerous, because unchecked, you risk abusing your new-held position of power and ruining your career through reckless, wanton and idiotic vengeful actions, and possibly not doing as much harm to him as you'd wish.

 

You need to get a grip and stop being pathetic.

You've felt sorry for yourself long enough now, and it's getting beyond a joke.

Everybody here has been very supportive and positive with their feedback, But you now need to focus on the positive changes this move will bring you, and the effect of this move - overall - on your relationship with your children.

 

You've really got to start prioritising better, and care less where it doesn't matter, and care more where it does.

 

You're a big guy now, with a position of some authority and power.

 

It would appear that all the good advice and counsel given to you here, has had some effect, but you haven't been following through with it, and you're still seething with hatred, and frankly - irrational thoughts.

 

Fer chrissakes, it's not as if this was a 20-year marriage.

Put things into perspective.

 

You have permitted this situation to permeate every level of your life, physically, emotionally and practically.

 

Just stop now, and focus elsewhere, ok?

You've got more important things to think about than this.

 

Remember what I told you:

 

If you hate something with all your heart, and mind and power, you hold it close to you as if you loved it, with all your heart and mind and power.

 

So, whilst you refuse to let it go, and insist on holding it so close to you - it will forever control you.

 

Do you understand?

 

These two people are controlling you.

You have abdicated your will power to them.

So while you think you can plot great plans of revenge, in actual fact, whilst they occupy your life, they're in charge of it.

 

You are not your own person.

You are a person influenced and guided by but a single aim.

To ruin someone.

Until you release that, they will always have the upper hand, because it will always be about them.

Not you.

 

That's kind of dumb, don't you think?

[cdt76]

Tara. You are right. It is dumb. My kids are the ONLY thing I'm having trouble with. They are 7 and 4 and need me. I need them. Technically, I've accepted the job and they want me there as soon as possible. The help and support from this forum has helped me tremendously. Time has also. I'm not sure how this will all play out. Turning focus to the kids has made all the other stuff seem trivial. Which is probably is.