mimiminx Posted October 13, 2009 Share Posted October 13, 2009 Any tips from those of you who decided to try to reconcile with your ex? Mine, after 2 months, and overwhelming contact on his part, finally realized that he was wrong and wants to try again. We've had many conversations about what went wrong, how we can go about things differently, and we deeply love each other and have been absolutely miserable apart. (long story, see my 23 page thread, Over or not over?) Just want to be well prepared for this meeting next week. Going in with extreme caution. Any advice? Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted October 13, 2009 Share Posted October 13, 2009 Be prepared for it NOT to work out. I'm not saying don't try..just don't expect all things to be fine and dandy. It's not starting fresh. There WILL still be things brought up from the past from both of you. It's almost easier to find someone new and start fresh IMO.. Link to post Share on other sites
Broseph Posted October 14, 2009 Share Posted October 14, 2009 Good luck Minimix I hope everything works out Hey remember 'love is a stream that will find its own course', nothing anyone can do or say here now can help you because over time your either meant for each other or your not. Sometimes things revert to how they were (cause we are who we are) and sometimes we realize what we have lost. There is even a third group of people who bless them come back because they tried in the outside world and failed and are crawling back because they now know they wont get better. I guess you want this and seem very committed to it and its gonna happen it appears. I guess my only advice is to be positive!!! Link to post Share on other sites
onthemend Posted October 14, 2009 Share Posted October 14, 2009 The same thing happened with me - split up with ex boyfriend 3 months ago after being together for 16 months, it was my decision. He had been in touch a couple of times but basically I realised that I had to keep my distance as he was hurting alot so I didn't contact him and assumed it was over. He then called out of the blue and wanted to meet for lunch. All i can say is be prepared for the unexpected. I didn't go there with a`plan' of what to say but it happened that as we were looking at the menu's I asked if he'd slept with anyone whilst we'd been apart. He went quite quiet and them said yes 2 so I said oh 2 he then went even quieter and whispered 3. Well you could have knocked me down with a feather!! So i think i might think it might be an idea to think about what you're going to say to him!! Good Luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author mimiminx Posted October 14, 2009 Author Share Posted October 14, 2009 we had that discussion before we agreed to meet Link to post Share on other sites
GrayClouds Posted October 14, 2009 Share Posted October 14, 2009 So what is the non-negotiable list of specific actions he needs to do to win you back? What is the list of non-negotiable changes he needs to make to win you back? Link to post Share on other sites
Author mimiminx Posted October 14, 2009 Author Share Posted October 14, 2009 I am working on that list Link to post Share on other sites
tommycapnpants Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 good luck mim. i would suggest that you both take it slow at first.depending on the situation it my be the best move. i would say do not expect to jump right back into that comfort zone that you once had in your relationship. that is gone now, even though remnants of it still remain. this is not a bad thing because it will give you both a chance to grow even more together. i offer this advice because i met up with my dumpee last week. we spent 3 great nights together, but on the 4th she said that it was just too hard right now and needed time. said she did not want to be with me at that time. tore me up real bad inside. then this past monday, after about 4 days of n.c. we went out and had another amazing night. this time it felt more tangible and real. lt made me realize that we were rushing into things at first. but, i see that by taking it slowly our new relationship will have a much better chance to grow. i would say make this clear in the beginning. and lay out the reasons, this could save both of you from unnecessary heartache. congrats Link to post Share on other sites
Author mimiminx Posted October 15, 2009 Author Share Posted October 15, 2009 I am really nervous.... No matter how much he reassures me, and I am trusting his intentions more every day, I am really scared. I have less than a week now... Is it normal to feel this way?! I've never done this before! This is the man I was going to marry and spend the rest of my life with... that's what we were planning! He left, the best analogy I can come up with is that I got hit by a semi-truck, and now I'm standing on the sidewalk, about to cross the street. I just really need some time I think. For anyone who reconciled with their ex, did you feel these same feelings of doubt and anxiety? (I guess some excitement in there too)... Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 Doesn't sound like you have a plan together. Thinking about it isn't the same as sitting down and writing a list of things you want to talk about and things you want resolved. Also, be prepared for him to say whatever you want to hear to make you "FEEL" better. My point is that only TIME will tell if he is truly going to stick to what you want him to do. Remember, he walked away once, he CAN do it again. He should have to work (and work hard!) to rebuild your trust. I highly suggest writing down all of the things you want to discuss and bringing that list with you when you meet with him. I also want to remind you that you should NOT sleep with him at ALL during your trip up there. If you do so, you will simply be overwhelmed with hormones and will confuse yourself. You'll THINK everything is back to normal. That’s just your heart messing with your head. Make him earn you back with not just words, but CONSISTENT action over TIME. His earning you back should not be a quick kiss/makeup thing. After all, if he can get you back so easily then he has nothing of value, nothing that is worth not screwing up again. See what I mean? He will know that you'll take him back with little work on his part. And I can tell you that I place little value on things that I didn't have to work for.... Link to post Share on other sites
georgia girl Posted October 17, 2009 Share Posted October 17, 2009 Expect things to be different. Some good; some bad. Expect that once you get over the happiness of reconciliation, that all of your fears and insecurities will come storming back. That's natural. Someone left you and even though he wants to reconcile, the back of your mind keeps saying, "but... ." You'll try to ignore it. Sometimes that's good; sometimes that's bad. You don't want to overreact to everything; you don't want to underreact so that you allow certain relationship-poor behaviors to go on. Expect that in your case, your relationship has now become long distance. That's a new hurdle to overcome. In my case, it was a simple reconciliation and that was hard. Adding distance into the mix will be more difficult. If it's appropriate, address some of your issues with distance. You have a life in San Diego; he doesn't have much of a life where he is now. Is he willing to move back? If he did, what would those living circumstances be? It's hard without a counselor to talk about feelings without you both getting out of control. But those conversations should happen. Try to keep them calm and non-accusatory. But talk about what was wrong in your relationship. Yes, there are things you both did wrong. Finally, I think you should expect to talk about abandonment. We had to do that and my BF was very reluctant to talk about it. The guilt was enormous and he felt bad about himself but resentful because he felt that I had "pushed him" so that his feelings died and he had to leave. That conversation still stings for me. He left. He failed me. I was not and am still not prepared to be to blame for that. However, with counseling, we've both come to terms with a) why it happened and b) how to ensure it doesn't happen again. Communication is key. Respect is essential. Love and "spark" are an enormous part but I have learned that real intimacy comes from sharing at your gut level. An uncomfortable place to go - but that's where I'm starting to think trust comes from. Link to post Share on other sites
seoa Posted October 17, 2009 Share Posted October 17, 2009 The guilt was enormous and he felt bad about himself but resentful because he felt that I had "pushed him" so that his feelings died and he had to leave. That conversation still stings for me. He left. He failed me. I was not and am still not prepared to be to blame for that. However, with counseling, we've both come to terms with a) why it happened and b) how to ensure it doesn't happen again. Don't leave us (me) there... what were the answers to (a) and (b)...? My ex is still in the 'blaming me' stage... Link to post Share on other sites
georgia girl Posted October 17, 2009 Share Posted October 17, 2009 Okay... the really personal stuff: Why? He does have issues with commitment and when he felt overcommitted, he was not "attracted" to me anymore. He felt burdened by me and by the responsibilities of our relationship. He was focusing his attention on what he thought he was missing. For me, I wanted to talk but not the most constructive way. It was a lot about me and my feelings (which added to him feeling overcommitted) and what I really wanted was assurances that we were going to be okay. Unfortunately, as I said, I focused on how much he wasn't giving me and looking for artificial "evidence" that we were going to be okay. For example, I was looking for him to say that he wanted to spend time with me, too, and looking for him to be excited about picking out new paint for the master bedroom (sounds crazy but it was a really big deal at the time). While seeking reassurance, that felt very needy to him. I also was keeping score - did we talk to each other every day? did he call/email me first? What we've learned in therapy was that we're both very lousy communicators. We literally stink at it. So, now it feels like we're learning each pitfall in our communication by a third party. Still, if it works. For instance, now, if he needs space - he simply says that. I need space for awhile. No grand excuses about, "because I have to..." do this or that which made me feel like he chose something else over me. And I simply ask, "We're going to be okay, correct?" He says yes and we both agree to the space. Knowing that someone is still going to be there took away a great deal of my insecurities. Knowing that I will not "cling" as he perceived it, has taken a great deal of his issues away. We now find that we spend more time together than before but we both feel less pressured by our relationship. I am so less insecure than I used to be. When I look back, I see that what everyone else was telling me, "Just relax," was truly right. I am relaxed and I've found a whole new part of myself. It makes me feel sexy, confident and independent regardless of my relationship status. My BF has also become actively engaged in our relationship at every step and is now counseling one of his dearest friends about getting over his fear of commitment. (Yes, it is too funny to watch. I don't say much.) In the end, it's about communication and respect. Link to post Share on other sites
prayingshecomesback Posted October 17, 2009 Share Posted October 17, 2009 Any tips from those of you who decided to try to reconcile with your ex? Mine, after 2 months, and overwhelming contact on his part, finally realized that he was wrong and wants to try again. We've had many conversations about what went wrong, how we can go about things differently, and we deeply love each other and have been absolutely miserable apart. (long story, see my 23 page thread, Over or not over?) Just want to be well prepared for this meeting next week. Going in with extreme caution. Any advice? good luck!!! You are already lucky you get to at least see him. I've been straight no contact for almost three months since I packed up my things from her house. I know I will never get that second chance because she left me for another guy. Link to post Share on other sites
georgia girl Posted October 17, 2009 Share Posted October 17, 2009 By the way, I should have said that he has learned that it is wrong to leave if he gets overwhelmed. That he cannot and should not expect any more second chances. Both the therapist and I have said this. Our therapist made it clear to me that I could not ever give him a second chance again as it will then be a pattern of behavior that he is CHOOSING not to control and that it would be self-destructive on my part to go back a third time. We both truly understand that and I think that he truly is ashamed by that behavior. He has certainly expressed this enough in the past few months. Link to post Share on other sites
Oh Moe Posted October 17, 2009 Share Posted October 17, 2009 Good Luck I seem to be in a holding pattern still, nice as hell to me for a few days then just cold the next. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mimiminx Posted October 17, 2009 Author Share Posted October 17, 2009 If it's appropriate, address some of your issues with distance. You have a life in San Diego; he doesn't have much of a life where he is now. Is he willing to move back? If he did, what would those living circumstances be? Just to clear this up: the entire time he's been up there, his intention has been to return to San Diego by December at the latest. He is taking classes and must be here to take the finals anyway. His things are here. He has wanted to come back here anyway. He doesn't have any major ties to staying there and he won't. He wants to spend this time with his family and friends up there, and WILL be returning soon. As far as the living circumstances, we will cross that bridge when we come to it. He and I lived together for a year, so the ultimate goal here is for us to live together again, but it may not be right away. I am from here and I have obligations here, so I'm staying put. Won't be a long distance relationship, if only for maybe a couple weeks or so. I agree with talking about abandonment. I have done that with him before, but will do it again during our visit. We BOTH had trouble communicating, he and I both have admitted to that. The whole "space" thing was an issue because I tended to cling and he would distance. (Pursuit-distance.. learned about it from the therapist and my Make Up Don't Break Up' book. Every day I am feeling better and better about things. He is very much reassuring me, is being very sincere and loving. He says things like, "I never should have left you... I promise that I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you" He wants the level of commitment that we had before, which really eased my mind. I was worried that he would still not be sure if he wanted that with me, but he said of course that's what he wants, the "highest level of commitment" (!) We spent over 2 hours on the phone last night. He calls to tell me good night or sends me an email he's thinking about me. He is so excited about me coming up there, he's counting down the days, he's got it planned down to the T. He's working out, trying to look good for me, got the house all set up for us for the entire week. He told his friends and family and they're all really happy. I could go on and on.. but this man is sincere. I feel good about putting myself out there. I told him that I need him to respect the fact that I need to take things very slowly, I'm not ready for intimacy just yet.. he said I respect that.. I respect you! I will earn your trust back... I know it takes effort to make a relationship work. He and I have ALWAYS been able to be honest with each other.. we both have had a very strong bond. We have been best friends and have so much fun together, whatever we do. He said last night that we make a really good couple, a good team. The attraction between us was always INCREDIBLY INTENSE and almost 3 years later, it's still going really strong. We have a lot of passion in our relationship, in a healthy way. He said that's NEVER faded for him, and me neither. We definitely have something worth hanging on to, we both know that. That's why this breakup was the worst pain I've ever experienced. I couldn't understand why we were ever apart. He never fell out of love with me, he never stopped loving me.. he told me that and I believe him. He says that he's incredibly in love with me! That would explain all his contact over the past 2 months. 4 more days!!!!! I know, expect the good and bad... it won't be all hearts and flowers, I know that. Just REALLY happy to see him again! Link to post Share on other sites
dianna Posted October 18, 2009 Share Posted October 18, 2009 omg..im so happy for you !!!!!!! i wish my bf called to meet me ..of course..he would rather cut his balls ...eh ..whatever keep us posted!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
mushmush Posted October 18, 2009 Share Posted October 18, 2009 best of luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author mimiminx Posted October 19, 2009 Author Share Posted October 19, 2009 2 more days!! I am feeling very positive about the situation... and it helps also that my friends and family are very supportive of this too... I always knew in my heart that we would come back together. We never had any major problems, no harsh words, no hatred between us.. A quote that gave me such consolation all this time: "Absence is to love as wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small and kindles the great"- it's grown since we've been apart. I think that says so much. It's worth hanging on to. It's worth the chance.. he's talking so much now again about our future, he wants to spend every day forever with me, marry me. (as we were planning)... we never fell out of love. We don't ever want to be apart again. In the past few days, he has been calling a lot, sending very sweet messages, tells me he loves me very much, thinking about me, calls to say goodnight. I never stopped loving him, I was about to give up and move on with my life without him, and he stopped me just in time.. We have a lot to talk about... and he's set to prove to me and show me that he is serious about this.. he already is now.. I'm very positive about this visit. I have no doubt that it will go well. I've never had a second chance before, not like this anyway... I am thrilled that now we have it. It's very obvious that we both want it. So happy Link to post Share on other sites
northstar1 Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 2 more days!! I am feeling very positive about the situation... and it helps also that my friends and family are very supportive of this too... I always knew in my heart that we would come back together. We never had any major problems, no harsh words, no hatred between us.. A quote that gave me such consolation all this time: "Absence is to love as wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small and kindles the great"- it's grown since we've been apart. I think that says so much. It's worth hanging on to. It's worth the chance.. he's talking so much now again about our future, he wants to spend every day forever with me, marry me. (as we were planning)... we never fell out of love. We don't ever want to be apart again. In the past few days, he has been calling a lot, sending very sweet messages, tells me he loves me very much, thinking about me, calls to say goodnight. I never stopped loving him, I was about to give up and move on with my life without him, and he stopped me just in time.. We have a lot to talk about... and he's set to prove to me and show me that he is serious about this.. he already is now.. I'm very positive about this visit. I have no doubt that it will go well. I've never had a second chance before, not like this anyway... I am thrilled that now we have it. It's very obvious that we both want it. So happy Hey Mimi. Glad you are feeling so good. I'm guessing you haven't slowed down the contact then ? If I can just offer some caution to you. I know that he has been spending a lot of time contacting you and expresssing feelings and wants for the fugure, but please hold back a bit until you see this put into action. I'm not saying that he wont' demonstrate this through action over time, but don't jump in with both feet until his actions fully match his words. I know you are confident that the love never died, and that things will work out (and I hope they do), but please please please have a little restraint until he comes to the plate fully over the next few months. It is easy to express things in words and over the phone, so let him show them through consistent action to you between now and the holidays. Aferall, he has a lot to prove to you, not the other way round. Good luck to you Mimi. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mimiminx Posted October 20, 2009 Author Share Posted October 20, 2009 Thank you- I will, Northstar. Tomorrow is the day! Very excited and nervous.... Link to post Share on other sites
GrayClouds Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 I wish you no luck but tons of strength. Link to post Share on other sites
seoa Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 By the way, I should have said that he has learned that it is wrong to leave if he gets overwhelmed. That he cannot and should not expect any more second chances. Both the therapist and I have said this. Our therapist made it clear to me that I could not ever give him a second chance again as it will then be a pattern of behavior that he is CHOOSING not to control and that it would be self-destructive on my part to go back a third time. We both truly understand that and I think that he truly is ashamed by that behavior. He has certainly expressed this enough in the past few months. Thank you for sharing all of this... It's very helpful... I'm really glad it's working out for you guys... Link to post Share on other sites
littlebittle Posted October 22, 2009 Share Posted October 22, 2009 I was just reading over this thread, how'd it go meeting him? Link to post Share on other sites
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