One week to go until we meet...

[torranceshipman]

How did it go?? I'm hoping for a happy ending to this story...

[Island Girl]

Doesn't sound like you have a plan together. Thinking about it isn't the same as sitting down and writing a list of things you want to talk about and things you want resolved.

 

Also, be prepared for him to say whatever you want to hear to make you "FEEL" better. My point is that only TIME will tell if he is truly going to stick to what you want him to do.

 

Remember, he walked away once, he CAN do it again. He should have to work (and work hard!) to rebuild your trust.

 

I highly suggest writing down all of the things you want to discuss and bringing that list with you when you meet with him.

 

I also want to remind you that you should NOT sleep with him at ALL during your trip up there. If you do so, you will simply be overwhelmed with hormones and will confuse yourself. You'll THINK everything is back to normal. That’s just your heart messing with your head.

 

Make him earn you back with not just words, but CONSISTENT action over TIME. His earning you back should not be a quick kiss/makeup thing.

 

After all, if he can get you back so easily then he has nothing of value, nothing that is worth not screwing up again. See what I mean? He will know that you'll take him back with little work on his part.

 

And I can tell you that I place little value on things that I didn't have to work for....

 

ALL OF THIS.

 

Having been on the dumper side and gotten exes back -- I can say it is only valued and really makes a difference if the dumper EARNS back the chance with you.

 

Lots of looking before you leap.

 

And Cali is right again about the sex issue

It only confuses things and gets your feelings to a level you where you won't be able to manage or think straight. It is understandable completely but don't allow that to happen and get things even more emotionally confusing.

[mimiminx]

I'm back from my trip. Everything exceeded my expectations. I knew in my heart that we would come back together. I have a lot to write, not up to it tonight as I am settling back in at home after 9 days away, but all went very well. Definitely some bumps in the road, emotions ran high at times, but overall more than great. I was very impressed. We have some work to do, it won't be a cakewalk, but we do love each other very much and both want the full commitment that we had again. We are back together. I am wearing my ring again.. he asked me to put it back on. More later...

[mimiminx]

P.S. I did end up sleeping with him while I was there. Initially I did put up the wall and told him I needed some time. What can I say, I am only human and I don't regret my choices... we fell in love all over again, it was hard to deny those feelings.

Edited October 31, 2009 by mimiminx

[georgia girl]

Mimi,

 

Congratulations! I am so happy for both of you. You had a heck of a journey to get back here and you deserve every moment. By the way, it gets better and better now. More and more walls come down and you learn to communicate so much better.

 

By the way, no biggie on the sex. You're wearing his ring for God's sake!

[westrock]

Congratulations Mimi! This is great news. You went through a lot and it sounds like it was worth all the effort.

[mushmush]

great news mimi. really happy for you

 

 

 

 

Lets just hope things work out just as well for me as it has for you guys.

[mimiminx]

I’m really happy that my visit went well. A recap: I arrived at the airport, and was walking off the plane to get my bags, and I was surprised when I saw him standing there. I thought he was going to pick me up outside, but he came in. I was nervous about the first moment we would see each other, but we hugged for a really long time. I wasn’t sure how it would be, but it was really nice. He had stopped to get me a coffee, and when we got to the car, he told me he had a present for me, which was a really nice cashmere sweater for me to wear up there. We drove to the store to pick up some food and wine for the cabin, and stopped to have something to eat on the way. The chemistry between us was really intense, I was happy that never died….we were talking, I was putting a wall up, he tried to kiss me, and I told him that I needed some time, I said a lot of things I won’t get into, but I was honest about how I was feeling, what I’ve been through, how hurt I was. He is genuinely sorry and remorseful for hurting me, and very loving. He said he was never stringing me along and ‘keeping me on the hook’, that he never stopped loving me and he was wrong for leaving. We drove about an hour to the cabin where we would be staying, and it was really nice to be with him again. It was really romantic- it was right on the sand and very secluded and quiet. Over the next 6 days, we spent time talking, walking on the beach, he made me breakfast every morning. Just like old times, we were cooking dinner together, watching our favorite TV shows together, and playing board games! He built lots of fires, we had a bonfire on the beach one night too. Right away, he had noticed that I wasn’t wearing my ring. I told him I hadn’t worn it since the day he left, but I brought it with me. He asked me to put it back on. We both agreed that we want to do things differently now, we both never want to be apart again. This will take some work, but we never had any incompatibility, there was never cheating or abuse, or trust issues between us. I think we hit a rough patch over the summer and it was a downward spiral from there. To be honest, I wasn’t happy with things either. I wouldn’t have ended the relationship, but really, I think it was a good thing that we were separated for awhile. He talked about marriage, and the future with me, he really exceeded my expectations during this trip. He’s a very loving person, affectionate, and very sincere, I fell in love all over again. We did a lot of fun things, were together constantly. We left the beach house after 6 days and drove back to Portland where he’s living with his friend. He is moving out of there within a month, and already has someone who is going to move in when he leaves. Most of his stuff wasn’t put away, he said because he won’t be there much longer. We went to see his brother, and made plans to have dinner with his mom while I was there too. I know his friends and family, I have been up there before, and what they told me in private really validated things and I felt good about it. His friend that he lives with, (has known for 15 years) said that he talked about me constantly, he really loves me, he confided in him about me, what I said about us not talking anymore really hit him hard, etc. That doesn’t sound like much, but it was nice to get the affirmation from his close friends and family. Everyone is really happy that we are back together, which means a lot to me to have that support.

We talked about when he comes back to CA about the living situation; I currently live with our friends (another couple) as I am a student and am trying to save money. Before he left, he and I were planning on moving in with them. So now, we talked about the possibility of him moving in; it’s an option because I can’t bail out on living here just yet; I just moved last month. I would love for us to live together again, and we want to and will of course, but I guess we’ll see. I will talk to my roommates about it. He will be here within a month. He said there is “no doubt”. His plan the entire time was to come back here by December anyway, although now it might be a little sooner. Something of note: there were some bumps in the road. It was not all hearts and flowers, although most of the time of course. The last night I was there, I think the emotions were running high, and we fell back into some old patterns. Hard to explain what set it off or the scenario, but I started pushing, he started distancing. Things escalated like they did before, and actually, we spent the last night in separate rooms. The next day, he was obviously frustrated and distancing from me, and I was doing the frantic act, trying to get through to him at all costs.. I was afraid that I would be leaving on a bad note. I kept trying to talk to him, and he didn’t want to talk. I was freaking out. Some hours went by, and he came around. He said he was sorry, he needs me to leave him alone sometimes, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me. I freak out because the abandonment thing, I just cling too hard and push when I get like that. I turn into a fool. But this time around, it seems like the communication between us is better.. honestly. We are both able to pinpoint things better and communicate them rather than the old ways of doing it. I hope that things now will be stronger between us, I think they will. I’ve learned a lot over the past 2 months, and also during our visit. It was very hard to leave when the time came. I left happy, there were tears, but the parting was hopeful and we both knew it wouldn’t be much longer until we were together again. The day after I left, he sent me a request on Facebook that we were “in a relationship”.

I have to say, looking back over the breakup: (which actually turned out to be just a break), the best thing I did was tell him and believe that I needed to let things go and move on. He was having doubts and regrets about his decision, but me saying that in all honesty was the turning point. I deactivated my FB so he could no longer have passive access to my life, I was on a mission to get off his phone plan and was cutting the ties. That was the day everything changed. I think I handled it very well, there was never a harsh word between us, I just simply told him that I needed to move on with my life and that it was impossible that we could be just friends.

Now onto the next chapter, I am very happy… I knew in my heart this whole time that we would come back together. I could never put my finger on why we were apart in the first place. As time went by, I could feel it getting closer and more intense on his part. Sometimes things like this are only a matter of time.

[Oh Moe]

WOW awesome.

Sounds good.

Good Luck!!!!!!

[AnthonyMalibu]

Mimi, congrats on the reunion. From everything you said, it sounds like you approached the whole situation with the right attitude, and at the right speed. I'm very happy for you.

 

As for the sex, I think this is a good example of where sleeping with your ex can actually bring two people closer together. That's the exception - not the rule - but in the case where your ex truly apologized, realized he was wrong, and went to great romantic lengths to let you know all this? A little sex never hurt anyone.

 

Unless, of course, you did it wrong.

[mimiminx]

Thank you,

Yeah, he went to great romantic lengths (as usual)... it was nice.

[mimiminx]

I'm having one of those days that I am (not having second thoughts) but I guess fears. This is understandable as I had my heart broken by the man I never thought would hurt me..

It's hard because we are apart right now, in different states... he reassures me that it won't be much longer, he's already looking into places to live here in CA, and telling friends and family. We had agreed that we'd go pick out a Christmas tree this year (a tradition of ours). I know the month will go by quickly, it just seems like we are apart so much... earlier in the year we were apart for over 2 months, during the breakup over 2 months, now another month? Can relationships survive so much time away from eachother? I just don't like this. Neither one of us do, really. This is what worries me; if we broke up after spending so much time separated, how can we make it through the day to day for the rest of our lives?!

I'm all for time alone, I don't need to be attached at the hip.. a little time apart is good; it makes the heart grow fonder and makes the time together more meaningful, but I guess what i am saying is that I am no longer ok with the long separations. I don't see why they would happen again, but due to circumstances over the past year, it has happened too frequently.

I was thinking about my first long-term bf, he repeatedly hurt me and in the end left me for someone else.. I told myself that if he hurt me in so many other ways, why couldn't he hurt me in the ultimate way (betrayal).. and that scares me with this time around. My guy has never hurt me until he left me. Now that he has, he's capable of doing it again! I guess anyone is capable, but just based on experience, I am afraid. I know R loves me very very much and is madly in love with me, and wants to make this work and have a future with me. I just don't want to get hurt again. I think that's the risk you have to take with love though. He's certainly not giving me any reason to have doubts or be concerned that he's not being sincere.

Just venting. I'm very happy, sad that we're apart (again) though. Actually, the month away may be a blessing because it will prove the sincerity of everything if that makes sense. Here's the upcoming dilemma: the living situation. Not sure if I am ok with living together right away again. Then again, it would be much more practical if we did, and we want to. Will cross that bridge when the time comes.

[georgia girl]

Mimi,

 

These are normal feelings and believe me, I've been there. However, this is where your hard work comes into play. Your partner is not responsible for your self-confidence. He needs to support you and love you, but even in your post, you say he's doing that. Now is when you have to learn not to give into your fears and become overly needy. I know, I was there. Every time anything went just a little out of whack, I took things to the, "perhaps this is the start of the old habits... maybe we should just break up" level.

 

The only advice I can give is to recognize your fears (which you're doing), own them as your problem - not his, and don't give into them. Things will continue to get better and better once you do this. You mentioned in an earlier post that perhaps the breakup could be the best thing to happen to your relationship because you both recognized your bad relationship behaviors. I think that's true. It's hard not to focus on his bad behaviors (because he was the one who committed the act of leaving) but you have to fix yours, too.

 

Sorry for the tough luck but you've got a good thing now. Good luck. this is so, so natural.

 

GG

[mimiminx]

Thanks GG

[brokenrightnow]

hi mimiminx

would love to talk to you in private and get some insight from you...any way we could do that? do you have instant messenger?

[mimiminx]

hi mimiminx

would love to talk to you in private and get some insight from you...any way we could do that? do you have instant messenger?

 

I'm sorry I don't... you can send me a private message though if you click on my name.

[xxDayamGirlxx]

happy 4 u mimi. its nice to see someone that acknowledges ppl do get back together after a break instead of just saying - just get over it!!- silly - i have done the same thing deleted him on facebook etc. im thinking of it as a break. sometimes ppl just need alone time n the opportunity to miss u. i think u did that n then he realised what hed lost...

 

thnx for all the info - i assume once u said u cant be friends u did nc... how did u start speaking again?? xx

[mimiminx]

thnx for all the info - i assume once u said u cant be friends u did nc... how did u start speaking again?? xx

 

Actually, the whole "NC" thing never really happened with us. I went for a week or so at a time that I would IGNORE all his attempts to contact me, but that was before we had that conversation. After I told him that I needed to move on with my life and we can't be friends, the communication increased dramatically, and later that day he asked to meet. So, no NC.

If I could give any advice from my experience it would be DON'T BE FRIENDS HOPING THAT WILL BRING YOU BACK TOGETHER. I was very clear with him, repeatedly that I couldn't have just a friendship with him. Obviously he wasn't interested in just a friendship with me either. I initially jumped at any form of contact he made, but after awhile, he was still withholding, so when he contacted me I became annoyed. When the phone would ring and it was him, I got mad actually. It was nice to know he was thinking about me, but when the calls came a couple times a day, he was saying I love you, sending me countless messages on Facebook, etc. I was really irked. It took me some time to get to that point, but I did. The best thing I did through all this was be honest with him. Initially, I tried to bargain with him, I pleaded to meet and talk, I cried on the phone. I sent him a couple emails that told him how I felt and what I wanted. Then I backed off. That's when his contact became even more frequent and was becoming 'warmer' on his part. Soon after, I had the conversation with him about cutting the ties we still had together, since he wouldn't do it, I took steps to doing so. I was at ATT that same day trying to get off his phone plan, and he was trying to convince me not to do it. He even went ahead and added more text messaging to our plan just so I wouldn't go over on my texts . That was the day I had THE conversation with him. I was very honest. I believed it when I told him I had to let things go, I need to move forward, we can't talk anymore. He was choking up terribly... and when I hung up the phone, I cried. They weren't tears of sadness though. I felt really good and that I did the right thing.

What do you know, that night, after several phone calls and emails he sent me, he asked me to meet. I found out while I was up there from his friend that R told him about our phone conversation and he was just torn apart about it.. it was definitely the turning point.

Now, things are so great... and he'll be moving back in a couple weeks! Time will tell of course, and things will be much different when we are actually together every day again, but I think we are definitely on the right track. Things are much better already. Very happy!

[j_cali_man]

Awesome,

 

Not so much of a happy ending as it is a (new) beginning. Gives me some hope and I may revisit a rekindle in a month or two. I can see having the same trust issues that you two are working through (me being the dumpee).

 

Ty for your candidness.

 

J

 

PS- Being in the Inland Empire, I so looooove San Diego. That's where I am headed....maybe I will be a "we" if things work out after some time apart.

[xxDayamGirlxx]

mimi. iv got a date with my ex! seein a movie. we talked a twice n each time he would sort of go on about old positive memories of me/us. really great convos... i dont think id feel comfortable talking about the actual relationship... like us getting back together, i think unless he bringsa it up i wont n just act like im happy etc. im not in a massive rush to get back together i think i need to love myself more than him fro now on. we didnt break up over anything there was no warning he just said he u know wasnt giving me enough n he jus cant be in a rel right now. were together 1 year. anyway just wanna know ur thoughts? what ur advice 4 the meeting would be? thnx hun xxx

[mimiminx]

My "long lost" boyfriend will be coming back in two days. We've been separated for a couple weeks now after me going up to Oregon (after our 2 month breakup). What a year... I'm really happy but very wary about this. I do love him and things have been more than great between us since we got back together, but....

We will be living together again. We did this before, and we ended up breaking up! I was so hesitant to move in together, he was the one who was asking me. After almost 2 years of dating and marriage planned for our future, I was finally ready to live with him. But one ring and one year later, he left me, he got scared or something. This is what happens when you live together. Now we are about to try it again. It obviously failed before, what's different now?

I do love him very much and our relationship is great, but I have become incredibly cynical from suffering a broken heart. Help! He'll be here soon!

[DenverBachelor]

I'll be your back burner guy if it doesn't work out. So at least you have that going for you, which is nice. But I'm afraid I'm going to have to go into NC with you until you make up your mind and choose between him or me.

 

I'm going NC starting .... NOW.

 

(you still there?)

 

Okok .... starting ..... NOW.

 

Psss.... I'll wait for you forever.

 

Okok .... this time I'm serious .... NOW.

[cypresa]

Hey miniminx... how did it go???

 

remember you have to stay calm and take things really slowly - even if he's moving in! remember all the lovely things he's been telling you and keep those words close to you when you feel slightly unsure of what is going on.

 

You should treat this as a new relationship. I am sure you guys will be absolutly fine... It'll be exciting rather than scary...

 

keep us posted and I'm wishing you all the luck... xx

[j_cali_man]

Let us know how it goes Mimi. I don't know what it is with Oregon. My ex was there for two weeks for T-Giving to visit her family. She moved down to So cal to be with me 3 years ago.

 

I hope everything goes awesome for you--- you set boundaries this time? Right? Right?

 

J

[mimiminx]

He will be here tomorrow. He woke up at 5 am to get on the road. I'm very excited and this is so long overdue, but I have SO many reservations about doing this again. (living together) We talked about it, I thought alot about it, and we do want to live together again. I am going to be in an intensive paralegal program all this coming year, so I will be very busy working and going to school. I will have some time for myself. That will be one of the main differences this time around.. I'm one of those people who needs my own time for a little bit each day. I think that is what was getting me so irked before... we spent too much time together! Seriously! I will tell him that in a nice way because I do think that was contributing to us fighting more there at the end.

The last time we lived together, he had a really hard time finding a job after we moved back from Hawaii. He was unemployed for 4 months and it was driving me crazy. I felt that he was definitely putting effort into it, but was just fine with getting by with his financial aid from school and just scraping the barrel to get by. That was not ok with me because I would go to work and totally resent the fact that he could sleep in and I'd get home and he'd be playing computer games. I felt like I was being a nag when I would have to ASK him to clean up around the house. I never saw him push a vacuum, probably because I always get to it first. And it REALLY, REALLY upset me that he was starting to drink to excess. At one point, he had opened up a bottle of wine in the middle of the day and proceeded to finish off the entire bottle in about an hour or two's time. Our neighbor came by and I was embarrassed... yep, this is my boyfriend.. he doesn't work, and he's sitting here on a Tuesday afternoon drunk, drinking out of the bottle.

I just don't EVER, EVER, EVER want to be in that place with him again. He knows how I feel about this, but still... I am holding my breath wondering if this will come up again and be a problem and what I will do. Now we are sharing our living space with roommates, which is not the ideal situation but we have opposite schedules and the space hasn't been a problem. I just worry about him not stepping up again. That's all. He's not lazy at all, I think he was goign through depression... this led to him breaking up with me. It wasn't good. I just don't want to be there again, Now we're going to try it again. Hope it works out.

I'm sure he's got some reservations too! He was the one who asked me if we could live together again, I didn't ask. I seem to be the one who has more reservations.