Affair moved marriage forward.

[riley707]

Hate to say this, but rather than suffer with a sexless marraige forever, I tested the other side and came out fine. Not a whim of a choice either, but rather years of thinking on how to end the cycle of thinking my marriage should or should not head into divorce. We're sexually incompatible.

 

You could spend a lifetime of energy trying to deal with a marriage that had fallen out of love, but in my case I went with another woman who was also in a similar situation. What I did not do is have an affiar with someone who I saw lots of potential with. Someone who I "could" love.

 

Result? She's back with her husband and having so much sex now she's pregnant again. Very doubtful she'll ever try again and glad that we found each other so she can once again focus on her own marriage.

 

Me, I'm 100% engaged with my children now, I take better care of my wife and I remain open to the idea that the marriage can last. I was vacant and empty with my marriage before and now I actually think its pretty good.

 

Does she know? No. Will I ever tell her? Probably no.

 

Anyone out there also find that the affiar helped bring everything back into focus? Has the affiar changed your attitude on sex and you are now just realizing there is so much more to life than just sex?

[Untouchable_Fire]

Anyone out there also find that the affiar helped bring everything back into focus? Has the affiar changed your attitude on sex and you are now just realizing there is so much more to life than just sex?

 

What... your looking for validation? Good luck.

 

Yeah... I had one move a marriage... towards divorce. Best thing that could have ever happened.

[Fallen Angel]

Sorry, I can't agree with this either. I don't think an affair is the answer. You are lying to your wife and to yourself. There are much more healthy ways to repair a broken marriage. And if you are so sure this is the answer, why not tell your wife and just have an OPEN MARRIAGE so that she can get some affection on the side also?

[riley707]

Yep, I'm going to lie to my wife until my death. I'm also going to keep a stable house for my children, put them both through college and be the best husband I can be despite the fact. I'm a grown man and can live with it.

 

Wife was sexually abused as a child and brought this into light with me 7yrs after I said, "...I do." She said on more than one occasion that she would never be able to get over this. And that in order for me to remain with her I too would have to "get over" not having sex.

 

So you are saying that if you were in my position and were told in your marraige that sex was out of the question, you too would have been able to find a way to make it work out?

[Maya-Mia]

I totally agree with what you said. I, too was bored in marriage and everytime I told my husband that we needed to do more things together, in and out of the home he always replied "I'm not interested in trying anything new". He is 14 yrs older than me and we have been together for 16 years and 2 kids now. I ask for simple things like going to the gym with me, or taking up a sport like tennis together but he prefers to stay home and watch tv. I started surfing the internet and facebook. I came across some old friends and met new ones. I got such positive feedback on my appearance and my profile that it was such a confidence booster. There was a point where I felt that my husband just wasn't interested in me anymore. Now, I feel so much more confident and validated. I am even more tolerant of his lazy attitude. I have not had an affair, but since I now "feel sexier and more desired" I am having better sex with my husband. Certainly, I do not plan to go outside of my marriage but the attention of others has actually improved the way I deal with my spouse, go figure.

[Fallen Angel]

has she sought counselling for her childhood trauma?

 

have you jointly sought marriage counselling?

 

My point is if you LOVE HER, you owe it to her and your marriage to try everything you can to fulfill BOTH of your needs, emotional and sexual WITHIN the marriage.

 

What kind of trauma do you think it will be for her when you finally get caught? Do you think it will make your marrigae easier?

 

I think you owe it to your wife and to YOURSELF to try and find another way.

 

With counselling you may find that her old wounds start to heal and you both find a satisfying sexual relationship TOGETHER... but if you go outside of your marriage, you will never be giving her the chance at knowing that happiness with you, nor you with her.

 

My advice is don't do it. Seek porofessional help for the TRUE healing of your marriage, not just a temporary fix to your physical needs.

[Untouchable_Fire]

So you are saying that if you were in my position and were told in your marraige that sex was out of the question, you too would have been able to find a way to make it work out?

 

Guy, I'm feeling you on the no sex thing. That's what drove me to it as well. I've never had an issue before, and have not after.

 

I don't think she has a right to claim the title of wife without actually being one.

 

My question is this. Now that the Affair is over... and it's back to just you and your hand... What now? You going to find another affair partner? At some point your going to have to fix it, and sometimes that means dropping a nuke.

 

Looking back my divorce was the best day of my life.

[mourningMM]

But really for that to happen the married partner and the other person both have to be VERY self-aware and honest with themselves and each other.

 

Sounds like you were.

 

I was the OW, and my affair ended by mutual agreement. He never told his wife, and I believe that he re-committed himself to her after we stopped. He was a good man, and in many ways he helped me; but he really had some issues to deal with that were just about him.

 

He was the child of a divorce, and when he saw me in so much pain, that "white knight" feeling was something he couldn't shut off.

 

He was extremely sensual, and she was not as adventurous as he was.

 

He was already in his second marriage, as was she...they had 5 children between them.

 

I was not at all interested in breaking a marriage and hurting children; neither was he.

 

We both needed the affection, attention, excitement, and relief that came with the affair.

 

At the same time, I believe that an emotional affair with all of the sexual tension and self-delusion can have the most negative impact on a marriage of all. See my thread on Emotional Affair vs. Physical Affair... That says it all.

 

Almost 5 years after I started that thread it has the 3rd largest number of views on this forum. I think many, many, many more people have been hurt by an emotional affair than a physical one.

 

Congratulations on being honest with yourself, and realizing that telling your wife is not as important as reconnecting and recommitting. If she never knows, and you remain faithful that is not the worst thing in the world.

 

But if you use this as a springboard to becoming a serial cheater...avoiding doing the hard work with her to help her deal with the sexual issues. Well, in my opinion that would be unhealthy. At that point, if you really need to get it somewhere else, you should be honest with her and let her know that you are not feeling fulfilled in the marriage.

 

Then she gets to decide whether her past is more important to her than her future.

[pkn06002]

can someone describe this squishy idea of LOVE and how it is supposed to drive all your decisions. Because I know personally I know longer know what "love" really is anymore.

[fooled once]

Guy, I'm feeling you on the no sex thing. That's what drove me to it as well. I've never had an issue before, and have not after.

 

I don't think she has a right to claim the title of wife without actually being one.

 

My question is this. Now that the Affair is over... and it's back to just you and your hand... What now? You going to find another affair partner? At some point your going to have to fix it, and sometimes that means dropping a nuke.

 

Looking back my divorce was the best day of my life.

 

OUCH - so in YOUR view, a damaged woman - through no fault of her own - who has a bad view of sex - but managed to get married inspite of it and have sex and have kids -- unless she puts out, at the man's whim I guess, then she shouldn't hold the title of wife? Really?

[jwi71]

Just exactly what moved forward in your M?

So, as asked above, when you feel the need for physical intimacy and your W again cannot...what will you do?

 

Cheat again?

 

Uh...that's progress?

 

So basically you are a cake eater. You want the W at home being the good mommy while you pretend to be a good H and father. And when YOU feel like it, you cheat.

 

I would say fixing the issue would involve IC for your W and MC for you both. But that's just me.

[whattodonow12]

I know that I could not live indefinitely in a sexless marriage... yikes!

[fooled once]

I am just amazed at some of the responses.

 

If my husband were hit by a truck tomorrow and paralyzed, and couldn't have sex, I guess in some people's minds that means I should cheat or divorce.

 

How sad.

 

I married for better for worse, in sickness and in health.

 

Sex doesn't define my marriage. There will come a day when it won't work. If you are just in a marriage for sex, why bother? I prefer all the other stuff - the security, the love, the tenderness, the friendship .... the foundation we have worked for years to build.

[bentnotbroken]

can someone describe this squishy idea of LOVE and how it is supposed to drive all your decisions. Because I know personally I know longer know what "love" really is anymore.

 

 

When you get the answer, pass it on.

[bentnotbroken]

I am just amazed at some of the responses.

 

If my husband were hit by a truck tomorrow and paralyzed, and couldn't have sex, I guess in some people's minds that means I should cheat or divorce.

 

How sad.

 

I married for better for worse, in sickness and in health.

 

Sex doesn't define my marriage. There will come a day when it won't work. If you are just in a marriage for sex, why bother? I prefer all the other stuff - the security, the love, the tenderness, the friendship .... the foundation we have worked for years to build.

 

 

Ditto. I have brought this point up over the years, the responses are still the same, sex drives a lot of people.

[mourningMM]

Better or Worse.

 

Which is why if there is a long term problem in a marriage, and I'd say that a lack of physical intimicy is a problem, then the honest and honorable thing to do is work it out within the marriage.

 

But if Riley707 did not take that route the first time, and found a way to reduce his focus on the physical side by coming cleanly out of an affair, then I think the affair served a useful purpose.

 

I just hope it was a one-time thing. If this decision repeats itself, and becomes serial affairs, that would not be moving the marriage forward.

 

This thread started with a question about whether an affair can do good....at times, one may. But the habit of having affairs cannot be good.

[kma11]

the reason i KNEW i could not stay married is because i was 100% certain i would "reoffend" due to being in a sexless marriage....three times a year does not cut it. I am 37. i knew i could not make it thirty more years without intimacy. lol. some things never change...even though i am without H i am still without sex...go figure good for you that it worked out in favor of your marriage.

[riley707]

Some excellent responses here.

 

Here is an eye opener for some women out there. No sex, at all, for years does really odd things to men. We start to think sexual all the time, and sex becomes THE only thing we can think about. Every women becomes a desire. Read Sperm Wars and learn about it.

 

To answer some posts :

 

She has tried counseling. Three times. Bailed each time. She says its just too painful to get it out to someone and start to heal. I believe her. She was very young and had bad things done to her.

 

Fallen Angel: If two people are working towards love but one says they only want to love with hugs, snuggles and kissing...how is that working towards love? For years I struggled with this. It wasn't my choice to marry into a sexless marriage. I am to blame for going outside the marriage, but had there been a real physical relationship like there is supposed to be in a marriage, maybe I would never of had to stray?

 

Untouchable Fire: I'd love to head out and watch a game with you. Toss back a beer. You're 100% right. Its back to me and the hand and I have to figure out a way to deal with it. For the sake of my kids for starters.

 

Mourning MM: Agree 100%. I actually had a few chances to have an affair. I chose the one I saw as least likely to move into a more emotional role. Pure physical. I made sure of this. Had there been any emotional involvement I would not of come out so easy.

 

Fooled Once: Its prehistoric to view a wife as both a role model and sex partner at the same time. I'm with you. A wife is more than just a body for sex. So far, I'm happy that I have love at all. A 75% success of a mariage. Some never get the chance to experience this at all. But you can't play pretend with this stuff. try having no physical touch in a relationship for years on end. You'll be amazed at what that does to you. Man or woman.

 

The part about moving forward. I no longer take wife for granted. Everything she does I find appreciation in. Before, without sex, i hated everything she did because i was like sex crazed and couldn't see it. No that i have focus, i see SO much that she does....for me, for our kids, for others. That to me is .....sexy.

 

But the point I must make clear on this is how i will handle any chance to re-offend. it has to be off the table. So what i am doing is enjoying life much more, more hobbies, more time with kids, more readying. And...most importantly i am not putting myself into any work situation that could lead outside the marriage again. this is the part i work on the hardest.

 

thank you all again for your posts. I hope i can add more to the forum.

[RedDevil66]

I am just amazed at some of the responses.

 

If my husband were hit by a truck tomorrow and paralyzed, and couldn't have sex, I guess in some people's minds that means I should cheat or divorce.

 

How sad.

 

I married for better for worse, in sickness and in health.

 

Sex doesn't define my marriage. There will come a day when it won't work. If you are just in a marriage for sex, why bother? I prefer all the other stuff - the security, the love, the tenderness, the friendship .... the foundation we have worked for years to build.

 

Excellent reply and I agree.

Cheating is for the weak of mind and heart. I was there, I paid the price, I was so selfish and emotionally immature but was smart enough to see it through years of therapy and self love.

 

Great post

[mourningMM]

slightly off topic, but definitely part of the conversation.

 

I use this board to keep me honest. So many of us out here realize how hard it is to make the right choices. And when it comes to affairs many times this is the only place a person can come to share and get support.

 

For some it is encouragement to maintain NC.

 

For others it it is the recognition that grieving is part of the end of an affair.

 

For still others, it is a place to vent as the ups and downs of a clandestine relationship churn through the reality of life.

 

If you feel yourself start to slip and slide, reach out. Someone out here will listen and offer a word of advice, or hope, or just a <hug> of support.

 

We don't know each other; we don't ask for names or anything that would expose our privacy. But we do ask hard and personal questions.

 

I appreciate your response to each of us. Welcome aboard.

[fooled once]

Some excellent responses here.

 

Here is an eye opener for some women out there. No sex, at all, for years does really odd things to men. We start to think sexual all the time, and sex becomes THE only thing we can think about. Every women becomes a desire. Read Sperm Wars and learn about it.

 

To answer some posts :

 

She has tried counseling. Three times. Bailed each time. She says its just too painful to get it out to someone and start to heal. I believe her. She was very young and had bad things done to her.

 

Fallen Angel: If two people are working towards love but one says they only want to love with hugs, snuggles and kissing...how is that working towards love? For years I struggled with this. It wasn't my choice to marry into a sexless marriage. I am to blame for going outside the marriage, but had there been a real physical relationship like there is supposed to be in a marriage, maybe I would never of had to stray?

 

Untouchable Fire: I'd love to head out and watch a game with you. Toss back a beer. You're 100% right. Its back to me and the hand and I have to figure out a way to deal with it. For the sake of my kids for starters.

 

Mourning MM: Agree 100%. I actually had a few chances to have an affair. I chose the one I saw as least likely to move into a more emotional role. Pure physical. I made sure of this. Had there been any emotional involvement I would not of come out so easy.

 

Fooled Once: Its prehistoric to view a wife as both a role model and sex partner at the same time. I'm with you. A wife is more than just a body for sex. So far, I'm happy that I have love at all. A 75% success of a mariage. Some never get the chance to experience this at all. But you can't play pretend with this stuff. try having no physical touch in a relationship for years on end. You'll be amazed at what that does to you. Man or woman.

 

The part about moving forward. I no longer take wife for granted. Everything she does I find appreciation in. Before, without sex, i hated everything she did because i was like sex crazed and couldn't see it. No that i have focus, i see SO much that she does....for me, for our kids, for others. That to me is .....sexy.

 

But the point I must make clear on this is how i will handle any chance to re-offend. it has to be off the table. So what i am doing is enjoying life much more, more hobbies, more time with kids, more readying. And...most importantly i am not putting myself into any work situation that could lead outside the marriage again. this is the part i work on the hardest.

 

thank you all again for your posts. I hope i can add more to the forum.

 

No intimacy is NOT the same as no sex to me.

 

Physical touch - are you meaning the act of sex or NOT touching; no hand holding, no kissing, no cuddling? To me, in many ways, those are as much if not more important - FOR ME - than the actual sex act.

 

Anyone can have sex. Not everyone can cuddle

[White Flower]

If you really love your wife and want to be there til the end then I see no reason in telling her of your A. You learned from the whole experience and it made you a better person from the sound of it.

 

With regard to your W cutting off sex due to her childhood experience. Just as she said you should 'get over it' I would tell her the same thing!!!

 

But I wouldn't leave her over it. I would help her get healing and if she loves YOU (because it isn't all about her now is it?) then she will make sure you are satisfied sexually even if it means she can't perform it for you.

 

I said it before and I'll say it again, if I were unable to pleasure my husband I would pick out a prostitute myself and send him over to her. That is true love! That may sound drastic but I'm just making a point. If you love someone, you don't deprive them of intimacy. And initmacy is not always about sex, bTW.

 

Best,

WF.

[Untouchable_Fire]

OUCH - so in YOUR view, a damaged woman - through no fault of her own - who has a bad view of sex - but managed to get married inspite of it and have sex and have kids -- unless she puts out, at the man's whim I guess, then she shouldn't hold the title of wife? Really?

 

Really?.... is that what you really think I'm saying? C'mon.

 

There is a difference between having a headache for one night and having a headache for one decade.

 

If she had some kind of physical impairment I would understand... but that is not the case. She just doesn't want to, and isn't making an effort to change.

 

What's the difference between that and an emotionally abusive husband?

 

 

 

I am just amazed at some of the responses.

If my husband were hit by a truck tomorrow and paralyzed, and couldn't have sex, I guess in some people's minds that means I should cheat or divorce.

How sad.

I married for better for worse, in sickness and in health.

Sex doesn't define my marriage. There will come a day when it won't work. If you are just in a marriage for sex, why bother? I prefer all the other stuff - the security, the love, the tenderness, the friendship .... the foundation we have worked for years to build.

 

We are not talking about someone who was hit by a truck. We are talking about someone who doesn't want a physical relationship with her husband. That is a big difference.

 

For heaven's sakes even if your husband was stuck like Stephen Hawking you could strap a dildo to his electric wheelchair and go at it or something... I don't know. My point is that there is a difference between unable.... and unwilling.

[Fallen Angel]

"Fallen Angel: If two people are working towards love but one says they only want to love with hugs, snuggles and kissing...how is that working towards love? For years I struggled with this. It wasn't my choice to marry into a sexless marriage. I am to blame for going outside the marriage, but had there been a real physical relationship like there is supposed to be in a marriage, maybe I would never of had to stray?"

 

I am sorry that you felt you had no choice but to stray.

 

I agree that if your wife is not willing to work on her issues, it will never get better. But I implore you, try again to get into counselling. Perhaps she would be more willing to start MC with you than she has been to start IC alone.

 

Be as honest with her as you possibly can about your physical and emotional needs. (I see you talking about a lack of SEX, but i think it is more the lack of INTIMACY that hurts you, and I see pain in your posts)

 

No matter how hard you try, if things go on without effort to repair the damage, things will only get worse. I see that you love her, I don't doubt that when I read your posts, but eventually that will not be enough again, and you are likely to stray again. You were lucky this time and avoided emotional conection with your OW, perhaps next time you won't be so lucky.

 

I wish you every happiness, just don't be content with half a marriage when with a little effort from both of you, you could have the whole beautiful package.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Untouchable Fire: I'd love to head out and watch a game with you. Toss back a beer. You're 100% right. Its back to me and the hand and I have to figure out a way to deal with it. For the sake of my kids for starters.

But the point I must make clear on this is how i will handle any chance to re-offend. it has to be off the table. So what i am doing is enjoying life much more, more hobbies, more time with kids, more readying. And...most importantly i am not putting myself into any work situation that could lead outside the marriage again. this is the part i work on the hardest.

thank you all again for your posts. I hope i can add more to the forum.

 

Right now your doing Ok, because you just ended the affair. Wait until it's been 3 years of abstinence. It's going to start driving you crazy again... and you will suffer as a husband and a father.

 

I agree... you should not be looking to re-offend. However, that doesn't mean you just sit back and do nothing. You need to go to war for this! Your wife needs to know this could be a dealbreaker... and that she needs to get her a$$ into therapy stat! Fix it!