Affair moved marriage forward.

[tami-chan]

I

 

Technically she may not care enough to work on it. But this isn't normal work. Its grueling, its debilitating and you can come out a hell of a lot worse than when you started. The brain can compartmentalise traumatic events brilliantly for a reason.

 

Your posts indicate that she should just get over it. Many victims of sexual assult never get over it. Ever. There isn't a cure that stops you feel revolting in your own skin or that quells the crawling, sickening feeling when someone touches you in a sexual manner.

 

Having said the above, what do you think the husband should do? Take it and not complain?

[ufo8mycat]

Not at all. Its their marriage and they both need to be involved in fixing it. If she can't work on this with him then there isn't much he can do. Having said that supporting someone through the healing process of sexual assult is really demanding - so he needs to be up for that as well.

 

I am just unclear on how his sexual betrayl of his wife is going to get him more sex from her? Or how the problem has been solved in even any progress towards this.

 

I am just not sure on the default position where needs not met = affair justified. I don't agree with this the OP clearly does.

 

There are two marriages in marriage (or partnership really). His marriage and her marriage. His marriage has benefited from his affair. I don't see how hers has.

[ufo8mycat]

I am also not clear on why it is so black and white. Surely people are smart enough to come up with an option c. It need not be a matter of him never having sex for the rest of his life or her always having to put out despite to desire not to. There has to be some middle ground. If she isn't willing or able to find it then he needs to make a decison. Its up to the OP on how much integrity he shows in how he leads his life.

 

Sexual assult for many men and women is debilitating. A sexual disability if you will. Other people with disabilities find alternatives to ensure a satisfying sex life. Its probably going to be alot of work for both parties but if there really is the love and desire (for both parties) to make it work then can.

 

Intimacy is always a start.

[tami-chan]

Not at all. Its their marriage and they both need to be involved in fixing it. If she can't work on this with him then there isn't much he can do.

 

nothing much, huh....which means what? take it and grin...? you are not really answering the question.

 

Having said that supporting someone through the healing process of sexual assult is really demanding - so he needs to be up for that as well.

 

I think he did support her....she was unwilling to go through the process of healing...

 

I am just unclear on how his sexual betrayl of his wife is going to get him more sex from her?

 

His betrayal was not designed to "get more sex" from her....his betrayal was just to quell his own sexual dissatisfaction. He himself said it was a selfish move on his part.

 

Or how the problem has been solved in even any progress towards this.

 

It didn't do anything for his wife's problem. but it did something to him...since he had some release, so to speak...he was calmer, less angry, etc.etc..

 

There are two marriages in marriage (or partnership really). His marriage and her marriage. His marriage has benefited from his affair. I don't see how hers has.

 

It IS about perspective, is it not? He believes that since he had the affair (therefore had an outlet of his sexual frustration), he has been kinder and less angry to his wife and children....what wife wouldn't be happier for a less angry man?

[ufo8mycat]

You posts confuse me somewhat Tami. I am not sure how I am meant to answer the question. I am not being purposefully evasive. I wanted to comment on one aspect on UF's post. If she won't meet him half way then what can he do? I really don't know. He has options. He can suck it up and accept that this is his life. He can leave, he can have affairs, he can seek further IC if he wants to find other strategies.

 

I am not sure what answer you are seeking from me. Sexless marriages happen for all sorts of reasons and there are many different ways with dealing with this relationship problem. I never intended to advise the OP on his options.

 

I don't believe a wife would be happy with a less angry man if she knew why. He also doesn't appear less angry from his posts. He comes across as very angry at his wife.

 

He may be calmer now but nothing has changed about the situation. So I am not clear on how the marriage has been moved further forward in the long term. I have miss understood but has the root cause been solved?

[riley707]

Damn reading all of this is just so helpful. Its unreal.

 

Strong anger on my side. Yes. Total lack of control over how our family and our marriage is unfolding. I've also learned through reading here that there is also very strong anger on wife's side. She feels "jipped" as well. Angry that men can be evil, angry that her sex life suffers and angry at herself for trying to get help and being unable to do it.

 

Two partners in life, who love each other, but have deep rooted feelings of anger as well. This makes things a bit difficult.

 

Moving through the sexless marriage portion of my life, I was unprepared on how to deal with it. Getting wife to counseling wasn't working. Trying not to focus on it was certainly not working. Reading up on abuse and what it does...that just made it worse knowing more on how permanent an issue this was going to be.

 

The A. That's what I came up with. Horrible choice, but the only one I could see at the time. Now....having REMOVED this element from my choices knowing it is not the answer, I can move forward and start thinking of another way. I've removed the option and now focus on ways inside my marriage to make it work. Before, I could not see this since there was just so much deep anger towards wife.

 

Its not the answer for many reasons, the strongest of which a true EA would lead to divorce and that is what I am trying to prevent.

 

I will say this. It's about time I really start to nail this on the head. Through these posts I've decided that I'm signing up for a massive amount of counseling next week. Not sure if I need a marriage counselor or a sexual therapist. Either way I'm going in deep.

[eeyore1981]

I thought he said in another thread that she went because they were constantly fighting about not having sex.

 

Either way... she stopped each time. What does that mean to you?

 

To me that says she doesn't care enough to work at it. This has been an issue for them for YEARS...

 

 

 

So you think it's Ok to just shut him down sexually for the rest of his life? He has no right to ask for more?

 

 

 

I agree on both accounts. She doesn't have to have sex whenever he wants, or against her will. But it also doesn't mean she gets to withhold sex for years on end.

 

He has a right to expect a sexual relationship with his wife.

 

If you have a serious question, PM me and I will answer it.

 

My questions were very serious, and once again you have not answered any of them. It has been my experience people do this when they don't have a leg to stand on and just want to whine about their position.

 

Sex is important, I agree, but sex is really not the only thing that makes the world go round.

 

From what I have seen in this thread, the poster's only concern about what his wife has gone through is how it affects him and his sex life. If I can pick up on it, you really think she hasn't? Maybe if he had not been so selfish and just thinking about hiimself, and had focused on her and how devastating this is to a person, showed compassion, consideration and support for her and her well-being, maybe he could have helped her heal, given her the confidence to know she could face this with a loving man having her back, and she would have been able to get over it, at which point they both win, she feels better about herself and her sexuality, and he gets sex. Maybe not, but it wouldn't have hurt.

 

But that is how immature little selfish people are. They expect everyone around them to bend over backwards to meet their needs, meanwhile putting little or no effort into reciprocation, then fail to see the hypocrisy of it. The irony is, in a lot of cases, if that same person would put themselves aside, they would end up getting everything they want.

[JumpinJimmy]

I hate to tell all of you BS's out there this, but most men have affairs for sex. Period. Men do not have A's because they are angry and want to get even, they do not have A's because the need the emotional support and to have someone listen to them and relate, the do not have A's because the AP is a spiritual connection and is their soulmate. Those are the reason why women have affairs. If men had A's for those reasons, then men would pursue A's long after they are older and sexless, yet they do not. Additionally, they would leave their wives for the OW a lot more than they do. And in the rare case of younger men with low libidos for whatever reason, they seldom pusrue A's because they don't have the sex drive to do so. What little emotional needs that men have are usually met by their current marriage not matter how little they like their current wife. Believe it or not, the EA part of an affair for a man is a chore. Granted, the OP has stated that he has some anger at his wife, but that is for the withholding of significant information about an injury that she suffered from at the beginning of their marriage, not because she is suffering from that grievious injury(sexual assault). He still had the affair for sex. So most of the people responding to the OP are over thinking and over anaylzing the situation.

Edited October 15, 2009 by JumpinJimmy

[pkn06002]

I hate to tell all of you BS's out there this, but most men have affairs for sex. Period. Men do not have A's because they are angry and want to get even, they do not have A's because the need the emotional support and to have someone listen to them and relate, the do not have A's because the AP is a spiritual connection and is their soulmate. Those are the reason why women have affairs. If men had A's for those reasons, then men would pursue A's long after they are older and sexless, yet they do not. Additionally, they would leave their wives for the OW a lot more than they do. And in the rare case of younger men with low libidos for whatever reason, they seldom pusrue A's because they don't have the sex drive to do so. What little emotional needs that men have are usually met by their current marriage not matter how little they like their current wife. Believe it or not, the EA part of an affair for a man is a chore. Granted, the OP has stated that he has some anger at his wife, but that is for the withholding of significant information about an injury that she suffered from at the beginning of their marriage, not because she is suffering from that grievious injury(sexual assault). He still had the affair for sex. So most of the people responding to the OP are over thinking and over anaylzing the situation.

 

I will agree that in my case what you have above is why I was open to having and affair and was frankly the initial driving force. But once everything got up and rolling all those other factors you discount did start to become factors.

 

But I would be in most cases the initial driver is as you state above.

[JumpinJimmy]

PK, oh I agree with you as well. When your A goes on for awhile, you do get somewhat attached. Then, you have a tendency to dole out the emotional support to your AP and not you wife anymore since providing emotional needs for 2 women for any amount of time is damn tiring, but the attachment is not enough to leave your wife.

[Snowflower]

But that is how immature little selfish people are. They expect everyone around them to bend over backwards to meet their needs, meanwhile putting little or no effort into reciprocation, then fail to see the hypocrisy of it. The irony is, in a lot of cases, if that same person would put themselves aside, they would end up getting everything they want.

 

But couldn't this also apply to the OP's wife in this thread? Could she also be considered 'selfish' for not giving her husband what he thought he needed? All explanations aside (meaning the abuse)...if she really loved her husband shouldn't she have tried to figure out how to give him what he needed?

 

It's a two-way street...exactly like you mention...reciprocation goes both ways.

 

I agree, if both partners in a marriage put themselves aside and give the other person what they need, affection, attention, validation, sex, whatever it is, then both partners could very likely end up getting what they want.

 

It's actually very simple...both partners have to be unselfish and learn how to 'be there' for the other one, in whatever way that is for that couple.

[pkn06002]

if both partners in a marriage put themselves aside and give the other person what they need, affection, attention, validation, sex, whatever it is, then both partners could very likely end up getting what they want.

 

It's actually very simple...both partners have to be unselfish and learn how to 'be there' for the other one, in whatever way that is for that couple.

 

What is interesting is ^ is just what you do when you first meet someone. But somewhere somehow down the road it becomes less and less important to one or both of the people involved.

 

Worst case being on person still doing ^ and the other person not. Like someone else mentioned builds up a bunch or anger and resentment.

 

In regards to the OP I can see how an affair could give the impression of shaking things up and moving the marriage along. But it really is just an escape that really does not get to the root of the problem which is the above. Affairs just make existing resentment and anger worse by showing what you are missing that you want. They just become problems unto their own adding to issues already in existence.

[Untouchable_Fire]

My questions were very serious, and once again you have not answered any of them. It has been my experience people do this when they don't have a leg to stand on and just want to whine about their position.

 

Put your questions in a list and I will answer each. I think I already answered them... your just ignoring answers you don't like.

 

Sex is important, I agree, but sex is really not the only thing that makes the world go round.

 

No Sex = No Love

 

If he wanted a roommate he can easily get one. If he just wants someone to watch the kids... he can hire a nanny. He wants a wife... and he doesn't have anything even resembling one.

 

From what I have seen in this thread, the poster's only concern about what his wife has gone through is how it affects him and his sex life. If I can pick up on it, you really think she hasn't? Maybe if he had not been so selfish and just thinking about hiimself, and had focused on her and how devastating this is to a person, showed compassion, consideration and support for her and her well-being, maybe he could have helped her heal, given her the confidence to know she could face this with a loving man having her back, and she would have been able to get over it, at which point they both win, she feels better about herself and her sexuality, and he gets sex. Maybe not, but it wouldn't have hurt.

 

You have to be able to cut through his years of built up resentment, then you can see he still has some really strong feelings for his wife. I can tell you from experience that those feelings will slowly fade as long as this continues and he will be left with nothing.

 

This whole thread is primarily him venting. A way for him to express thoughts and feelings he can't safely do in real life.

 

Very few guys who go through this go straight to an affair, typically they try everything under the sun to fix their marriage... and when nothing improves... that is when frustration and resentment can lead to an affair. I think he follows this pattern.

 

But that is how immature little selfish people are. They expect everyone around them to bend over backwards to meet their needs, meanwhile putting little or no effort into reciprocation, then fail to see the hypocrisy of it. The irony is, in a lot of cases, if that same person would put themselves aside, they would end up getting everything they want.

 

Your still looking at this as though he didn't put in any effort. All the love and support in the world won't fix his wife's mental issues unless she chooses to fix it. She hasn't.

 

I think you are way too caught up in seeing this as just him wanting sex whenever he chooses.... which it's not.

 

Sexual rejection is emotional abuse in this situation. The one person in the entire world who is supposed to love you... rejects you...? It's terrible, and it hits you to the very core of your being.

 

If Riley707 and I changed places... I would leave. He can still love this woman as a friend... which is how he is treated anyway.

[fooled once]

Boy, you can sure tell who the people are who have never been abused. You can also see who the people are who are projecting their sexless marriages into this thread.

 

Getting over abuse can take many years and some people never get over it. So enough with the "get over it" crap. It is trauma. Do you tell a person with cancer to 'get over it' when they complain of nausea and vomitting from chemo?

 

It isn't a sexless marriage -- they have 2 kids. The OP hasn't shared with us:

 

1. When did it come to light about the abuse -- what year of the marriage.

 

2. How long they have been married

 

3. When did he have the affair?

 

4. Did sex STOP? or did it just become less frequent than he wants?

 

5. Has he offered to go with his wife to therapy or is she on her own?

 

I see a selfish man who put his getting off over his marriage.

 

Wonder how he would feel if he found out she met a man and has been having an emotional affair with him; because all her H wants is sex and she wants some compassion and caring and understanding?

 

She didn't deceive him when she married him. At the time of the marriage, they were obviously having sex. There is no rule that says she has to discuss her past sexual abuse with him. It is HER past. HER private HELL. Obviously, she never felt comfortable enough with him to disclose it.

 

I fail to see how she is making the world suffer or her family. OP never said she wasn't a good, loving, caring mother. Again, some people are projecting.

 

And OP, what is this 'breaking the cycle' stuff? UNLESS she is sexually abusing her children, SHE already broke the cycle. Divorce isn't a 'cycle' to be broken

 

IF she just decided to cut him off because he is a prick, or for vengeful reasons, then that is a different topic. That isn't the case here.

 

She has suffered extreme trauma and sorry if she isn't getting over it to some people's liking. Do those of you who think this -- have you ever gone to counseling and had to discuss the sexual trauma you experienced? Have you ever wanted to heal so badly, but just couldn't keep reliving it over and over again? Seems to me, SHE is the one who is hurting badly. He is just horney. Her emotional pain isn't wrecking her family; her children are fine.

 

And OP, believe it or not, kids handle divorce pretty dang good if the parties involved put their happiness above their own until the kids can get readjusted to the new life. SO you didn't save your family anything by screwing around on them. You aren't going to get sainted from me.

[JumpinJimmy]

.

 

Wonder how he would feel if he found out she met a man and has been having an emotional affair with him; because all her H wants is sex and she wants some compassion and caring and understanding?

 

She didn't deceive him when she married him. At the time of the marriage, they were obviously having sex. There is no rule that says she has to discuss her past sexual abuse with him. It is HER past. HER private HELL. Obviously, she never felt comfortable enough with him to disclose it.

.

 

Fooled once, I dont' agree with either of the above. Very very few men would give her the EA part without the thrill of expecting a PA in return, or a PA actually already occuring.But that is just argumentative on my part. Next..

Omitting the truth is still deception. If she didn't feel comfortable enough to tell him, why?? They were getting married for G**s sake, all cards go on the table. Was she afraid that if she revealed her injuries, that he would feel differently towards her? Perhaps re-evaluate getting into a marriage with a person that may or may not have some deep seated pyscological issues based upon their terrible childhood trauma? As you know, people that have been abused frequently grow up to be abusers themselves...physical, verbal, sexual...., and even women as well. So do you not agree that is significant information to reveal to the potential mother of your children? That she may have some major issues that she may take out on her children? I know I would not be very happy if years down the road, my wife revealed that to me when we already had children and decided that she didn't want sex anymore, and that she was terible abused as a child. i would have made damn sure she got all the therapy and support possible to help her get over her issues as we grew in our marriage. Now, reverse the roles. A when a married couple start having sex issues, the husband reveals to his wife years after the marriage that he was severely sexually abused as a child...half this forum would be chanting that he was damaged goods and to get out

[Untouchable_Fire]

I see a selfish man who put his getting off over his marriage.

Wonder how he would feel if he found out she met a man and has been having an emotional affair with him; because all her H wants is sex and she wants some compassion and caring and understanding?

She didn't deceive him when she married him. At the time of the marriage, they were obviously having sex. There is no rule that says she has to discuss her past sexual abuse with him. It is HER past. HER private HELL. Obviously, she never felt comfortable enough with him to disclose it.

I fail to see how she is making the world suffer or her family. OP never said she wasn't a good, loving, caring mother. Again, some people are projecting.

And OP, what is this 'breaking the cycle' stuff? UNLESS she is sexually abusing her children, SHE already broke the cycle. Divorce isn't a 'cycle' to be broken

IF she just decided to cut him off because he is a prick, or for vengeful reasons, then that is a different topic. That isn't the case here.

She has suffered extreme trauma and sorry if she isn't getting over it to some people's liking. Do those of you who think this -- have you ever gone to counseling and had to discuss the sexual trauma you experienced? Have you ever wanted to heal so badly, but just couldn't keep reliving it over and over again? Seems to me, SHE is the one who is hurting badly. He is just horney. Her emotional pain isn't wrecking her family; her children are fine.

And OP, believe it or not, kids handle divorce pretty dang good if the parties involved put their happiness above their own until the kids can get readjusted to the new life. SO you didn't save your family anything by screwing around on them. You aren't going to get sainted from me.

 

He answered some of those questions in a previous thread. For example they have been together 11 years, about 8 of them married.

 

In addition... if you think this is just about him being horny, then this is proof you don't understand anything. Which is why I know your projecting more than most.

 

I feel bad for his wife... I really do. I wish she could find the motivation to attend therapy and work towards a resolution. I believe she has a husband that would stand behind her and wait.

[NowhereToHide]

I hate to tell all of you BS's out there this, but most men have affairs for sex. Period. Men do not have A's because they are angry and want to get even, they do not have A's because the need the emotional support and to have someone listen to them and relate, the do not have A's because the AP is a spiritual connection and is their soulmate. Those are the reason why women have affairs. If men had A's for those reasons, then men would pursue A's long after they are older and sexless, yet they do not. Additionally, they would leave their wives for the OW a lot more than they do. And in the rare case of younger men with low libidos for whatever reason, they seldom pusrue A's because they don't have the sex drive to do so. What little emotional needs that men have are usually met by their current marriage not matter how little they like their current wife. Believe it or not, the EA part of an affair for a man is a chore. Granted, the OP has stated that he has some anger at his wife, but that is for the withholding of significant information about an injury that she suffered from at the beginning of their marriage, not because she is suffering from that grievious injury(sexual assault). He still had the affair for sex. So most of the people responding to the OP are over thinking and over anaylzing the situation.

 

I think this would be an interesting thread on it's own, Jimmy. I, for one, would be really interested in how the men on here would respond to the question.

 

Most of the research I've seen (albeit it's limited) says that most people, including men, enter into affairs ultimately because of how the other person made the FEEL -- men have a very strong need to be validated and appreciated (most of us do). Anecdotally, many men said their affair started because of just that -- their wife stopped "seeing" them, appreciating them and were taking them for granted. Then a woman comes along who puts them on a pedestal, thinks they're a rock star and they get hooked. I'm not saying that sex isn't a draw -- of course it is. But I wonder how many people would say it was the SOLE reason for the A.

 

My xAP did not get into it for the sex. Neither one of us did.

[JumpinJimmy]

NWH, think so? Read, on this very forum, what happens to 95% of the affairs when the chips are down...the men walk away from the OW. All the sweet talking means nothing, the AP makes them feel like a rock star...in bed. Also, I didn't mention the thrill of the chase is a huge motivator for men, but I didn't want to hijack her thread. Some other time...

[Untouchable_Fire]

NWH, think so? Read, on this very forum, what happens to 95% of the affairs when the chips are down...the men walk away from the OW. All the sweet talking means nothing, the AP makes them feel like a rock star...in bed. Also, I didn't mention the thrill of the chase is a huge motivator for men, but I didn't want to hijack her thread. Some other time...

 

JJ is very correct.

[pkn06002]

I think this would be an interesting thread on it's own, Jimmy. I, for one, would be really interested in how the men on here would respond to the question.

 

Most of the research I've seen (albeit it's limited) says that most people, including men, enter into affairs ultimately because of how the other person made the FEEL -- men have a very strong need to be validated and appreciated (most of us do). Anecdotally, many men said their affair started because of just that -- their wife stopped "seeing" them, appreciating them and were taking them for granted. Then a woman comes along who puts them on a pedestal, thinks they're a rock star and they get hooked. I'm not saying that sex isn't a draw -- of course it is. But I wonder how many people would say it was the SOLE reason for the A.

 

My xAP did not get into it for the sex. Neither one of us did.

 

To a point you are right, but (always the but).

 

There is a difference between the motivation that allows you to be available for an affair and the motivation to actually enter into one.

 

I think it would be safe to say most men (not all) are available because of a lack of sex in their marriages.

 

But yes there has to be some type of connection (in most cases) to actually pull the trigger and enter into it.

[Devil Inside]

I think this would be an interesting thread on it's own, Jimmy. I, for one, would be really interested in how the men on here would respond to the question.

 

Most of the research I've seen (albeit it's limited) says that most people, including men, enter into affairs ultimately because of how the other person made the FEEL -- men have a very strong need to be validated and appreciated (most of us do). Anecdotally, many men said their affair started because of just that -- their wife stopped "seeing" them, appreciating them and were taking them for granted. Then a woman comes along who puts them on a pedestal, thinks they're a rock star and they get hooked. I'm not saying that sex isn't a draw -- of course it is. But I wonder how many people would say it was the SOLE reason for the A.

 

My xAP did not get into it for the sex. Neither one of us did.

 

For many men sex=emotional intimacy. It is the one way they know how to connect and feel validated. Whether they know it or not...sometimes when they look for sex...they are looking for the emotional validation.

 

So I guess we agree.

[fooled once]

Fooled once, I dont' agree with either of the above. Very very few men would give her the EA part without the thrill of expecting a PA in return, or a PA actually already occuring.But that is just argumentative on my part. Next..

Omitting the truth is still deception. If she didn't feel comfortable enough to tell him, why?? They were getting married for G**s sake, all cards go on the table. Was she afraid that if she revealed her injuries, that he would feel differently towards her? Perhaps re-evaluate getting into a marriage with a person that may or may not have some deep seated pyscological issues based upon their terrible childhood trauma? As you know, people that have been abused frequently grow up to be abusers themselves...physical, verbal, sexual...., and even women as well. So do you not agree that is significant information to reveal to the potential mother of your children? That she may have some major issues that she may take out on her children? I know I would not be very happy if years down the road, my wife revealed that to me when we already had children and decided that she didn't want sex anymore, and that she was terible abused as a child. i would have made damn sure she got all the therapy and support possible to help her get over her issues as we grew in our marriage. Now, reverse the roles. A when a married couple start having sex issues, the husband reveals to his wife years after the marriage that he was severely sexually abused as a child...half this forum would be chanting that he was damaged goods and to get out

 

You don't have to agree with me just my views.

 

And as a child who was sexually abused, I didn't repeat the pattern. Who knows why she didn't tell. Maybe she blocked it. Maybe she wasn't comfortable discussing it? Maybe she felt like she over came the issues? We don't know, we aren't her. I still disagree that it was "deception".

 

And I am not sure what kind of person you are, but if my H told me today that he had been sexually abused as a child, I would only be hurt that he didn't tell me sooner but why in the world would I get out?

 

IMHO - EVERYONE is damaged in some way. Just because a person suffers the trauma of sexual abuse doesn't make them unloveable.

[fooled once]

He answered some of those questions in a previous thread. For example they have been together 11 years, about 8 of them married.

 

In addition... if you think this is just about him being horny, then this is proof you don't understand anything. Which is why I know your projecting more than most.

 

I feel bad for his wife... I really do. I wish she could find the motivation to attend therapy and work towards a resolution. I believe she has a husband that would stand behind her and wait.

 

I don't understand anything? Are you kidding? That is laughable, but I should have expected that from you.

 

If it wasn't about him being horny, what was it about? Not intimacy from an affair partner - he basically stated that he was just looking for sex, not for an emotional entanglement.

 

Exactly how am I projecting? Because I am not saying his wife is a deceitful liar like you keep implying? Because I am not saying shame on his wife for not putting out at his demand like you are saying? Because I am not saying dumb the woman because she isn't fulfilling part of her wifely duties? Please....

 

Stand beside her and wait????? are we reading the same posts? He went out and had an affair to get his needs met because he was tired of his hand. He hasn't stood beside her IMHO.

 

To address JJ's thoughts --- I know the guy I had an affair with wasn't in it for the sex. For the 2 years we dated, we had sex (intercourse) 3 times. And none of those 3 times lasted longer than 2 minutes. He had -- er -- getting it up issues. I know he wasn't in it for the sex. Nope. He liked having a much younger woman thinking he hung the stars and moon. He liked how I fussed over him, took care of him, etc. It wasn't about sex at all.

[Fallen Angel]

Damn reading all of this is just so helpful. Its unreal.

 

Strong anger on my side. Yes. Total lack of control over how our family and our marriage is unfolding. I've also learned through reading here that there is also very strong anger on wife's side. She feels "jipped" as well. Angry that men can be evil, angry that her sex life suffers and angry at herself for trying to get help and being unable to do it.

 

Two partners in life, who love each other, but have deep rooted feelings of anger as well. This makes things a bit difficult.

 

Moving through the sexless marriage portion of my life, I was unprepared on how to deal with it. Getting wife to counseling wasn't working. Trying not to focus on it was certainly not working. Reading up on abuse and what it does...that just made it worse knowing more on how permanent an issue this was going to be.

 

The A. That's what I came up with. Horrible choice, but the only one I could see at the time. Now....having REMOVED this element from my choices knowing it is not the answer, I can move forward and start thinking of another way. I've removed the option and now focus on ways inside my marriage to make it work. Before, I could not see this since there was just so much deep anger towards wife.

 

Its not the answer for many reasons, the strongest of which a true EA would lead to divorce and that is what I am trying to prevent.

 

I will say this. It's about time I really start to nail this on the head. Through these posts I've decided that I'm signing up for a massive amount of counseling next week. Not sure if I need a marriage counselor or a sexual therapist. Either way I'm going in deep.

 

Riely,

 

YOU seem to have gotten lost here somewhere in all this mess, the discussion has certainly become very heated!! I am glad to see you are still here with us!!

 

I applaud that you are seeking help. As stated earlier, despite your affair, I sense that you really do love your wife, and perhaps with you seeking professional help without her, and her seeing how hard you are willing to work in order to save your marriage, she will find the strength to try again as well.

 

I wish you much luck, and happiness, and in time SH*T-TONS of MINDBLOWING SEX WITH YOUR WIFE!!!

[NoIDidn't]

Boy, you can sure tell who the people are who have never been abused. You can also see who the people are who are projecting their sexless marriages into this thread.

 

Getting over abuse can take many years and some people never get over it. So enough with the "get over it" crap. It is trauma. Do you tell a person with cancer to 'get over it' when they complain of nausea and vomitting from chemo?

 

It isn't a sexless marriage -- they have 2 kids. The OP hasn't shared with us:

 

1. When did it come to light about the abuse -- what year of the marriage.

 

2. How long they have been married

 

3. When did he have the affair?

 

4. Did sex STOP? or did it just become less frequent than he wants?

 

5. Has he offered to go with his wife to therapy or is she on her own?

 

I see a selfish man who put his getting off over his marriage.

 

Wonder how he would feel if he found out she met a man and has been having an emotional affair with him; because all her H wants is sex and she wants some compassion and caring and understanding?

 

She didn't deceive him when she married him. At the time of the marriage, they were obviously having sex. There is no rule that says she has to discuss her past sexual abuse with him. It is HER past. HER private HELL. Obviously, she never felt comfortable enough with him to disclose it.

 

I fail to see how she is making the world suffer or her family. OP never said she wasn't a good, loving, caring mother. Again, some people are projecting.

 

And OP, what is this 'breaking the cycle' stuff? UNLESS she is sexually abusing her children, SHE already broke the cycle. Divorce isn't a 'cycle' to be broken

 

IF she just decided to cut him off because he is a prick, or for vengeful reasons, then that is a different topic. That isn't the case here.

 

She has suffered extreme trauma and sorry if she isn't getting over it to some people's liking. Do those of you who think this -- have you ever gone to counseling and had to discuss the sexual trauma you experienced? Have you ever wanted to heal so badly, but just couldn't keep reliving it over and over again? Seems to me, SHE is the one who is hurting badly. He is just horney. Her emotional pain isn't wrecking her family; her children are fine.

 

And OP, believe it or not, kids handle divorce pretty dang good if the parties involved put their happiness above their own until the kids can get readjusted to the new life. SO you didn't save your family anything by screwing around on them. You aren't going to get sainted from me.

 

Great post. I agree. Its very offensive to read post from people who would put their sexual needs over the emotional needs over another. No sex does not equal no love. Good grief.

 

The OP has said that he is signing himself up for therapy. I think he is going to be very surprised with what unfolds. I agree with him that marital counselling is not needed at this time, but IC for both of them. And not to the end of getting him sex. Another, good grief. The point of therapy is so that SHE becomes more comfortable in her own skin having experienced what she experienced. Not so that he gets more sex.

 

I am ever so grateful that my H has been more inclined to respect my emotional needs than to demand that I "get over it" already. I am no shrinking violet. He would have heard from my lawyer before he could say "I'm sorry".

 

There are so many facts missing from this story. Not that I fault the OP for that, he's writing from his perspective. His W could very well be at the end of her rope of dealing with an angry man that thinks a woman wants to have sex with an angry guy. I don't know about you, but I don't want to have sex with a man that I know is angry and hostile towards me.