Savanaaa Posted December 2, 2003 Share Posted December 2, 2003 Hello everyone im new here and ive been reading a few of the posts,found a couple posts about hubbys and porn.My hubby like many others seems to like porn and was very secretive about it.When I discovered it on the computer I also found many pics of naked women that he had saved to look at when he pleased.I kept these findings to myself at first but it seemed to bother me more and more(everytime I thought about it) so one night I confronted him about it,first I asked what all those pics he had saved was about and where did he get them from he was quiet at first and then he replied that he had them for many years.I said years!I then asked if he found me unattractive and he replied no of course not.So I said ok how would you feel if I had pics of naked men all over my computer could make it a screensaver flashing at me everytime I looked at the computer (he laughed) I said you think thats funny? Then I approached it another way because that approach was getting no where.I said ok keep your pics and your secrets but remember this I personally dont like porn but I wouldnt mind having a good conversation with another man and maybe we could swap a few pics togethor I mean if its good for you maybe I should check this out for myself.He then replied im not talking to other woman I said no your just looking at them naked lol.He said not the same thing I said ahhhhh but maybe im not into the same things as you are soooooo you keep your pics and secrets but dont go getting yourself all upset when I decide to be secretive.Long story short a couple days later I checked the computer and found all those pics gone and one of mine on the desktop.Now I realize that he could be doing that just to keep me quiet but he also knows that if that happens again? The consequences of his actions could be the same for me. Link to post Share on other sites
lostforwords Posted December 2, 2003 Share Posted December 2, 2003 Good for you savanaaa..... its good to actually see someone coming on and posting something about how they rectified the situation...... good luck!!! Link to post Share on other sites
AprilFool Posted December 3, 2003 Share Posted December 3, 2003 My problem is I want to look at porn, but I don't want my husband to. I feel like it's one thing for me to look at naked women, since I am a woman myself, but it's quite another for my husband to look at it. I look at it, to get clues on how to be sexy, and how to turn on my husband; I'm not looking at these women lusting after them. My husband, on the other hand, likes to look at it, but I don't want him to. I feel like he's looking at these women and lusting after them. I can't stand the idea of my husband looking at any naked woman but me. Since he knows I'm uncomfortable with it, he looks at it behind my back on the internet. I tried telling him that it was ok for him to look at it, so he wouldn't do it behind my back, but he still does it behind my back, and when I find it, it makes me sick....even thought I've told him it's ok. I would be willing to stop looking at porn, if that would be the only way to convince him to stop, but I feel like a hypocrit in some ways for allowing myself to look at it, but not him. It's not the same thing though, in my eyes. You seem solution oriented...so help me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savanaaa Posted December 3, 2003 Author Share Posted December 3, 2003 I dont know if my method will work for you but you could try it,most men are jealous and dont want there wives to flirt with other men,im not telling you to flirt with other men but you dont have to let him know that you wont if his porn habbits dont stop,my hubby kept secrets about his porn habbits as well,the thing that got to him was me telling him that I wouldnt mind having a good conversation with another man and that my desires was different from his own,meaning I dont get into porn but it might be fun to exchange a few pics with another man and talk one on one with another man (not that I would) but he didnt know if I would or not,I felt like his porn was a betrayel to me and I wanted him to feel the same way,those women in those sites well who knows if they really look like that lol software can do alot of things for pics,im sure they use alot of make-up to help them look like that,I do think you should stop looking at them yourself because you are you and those porn sites are nothing but fantasy filth women degrading to every woman,I hope this helps you and your hubby stops looking at the porn,check it out it worked for me it may work for you as well ) Link to post Share on other sites
AprilFool Posted December 4, 2003 Share Posted December 4, 2003 I've gotten to the point to where I don't like looking at it any more, because it makes me sick. I think that the next time I find something, I'm going to tell him what you told your husband Link to post Share on other sites
Medgirl Posted January 1, 2004 Share Posted January 1, 2004 It used to bug me when my sig other would look at other women. It really threw me over the top. So, I decided to look at other women with him and tell him what I liked and what I didn't like. Also, I have found that I have every right to look at naked men as well. He, in turn, tells me who he thinks is attractive and who isn't. We just turned it into a game. It's no biggy anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Fritz Posted January 15, 2004 Share Posted January 15, 2004 Hmm, I really don't see what the big deal is with looking at pictures. It is harmless fantasy (most of the time). I definately think that chatting online and swapping "naughty" pictures with someone else is not the same thing as looking at a pic of naked person. The picture is just a fantasy. I mean would you want to be chastized for having a raunchy dream about someone other than your husband? I wouldn't have a problem with my gf or wife looking at pic of naked guys. Not that I wouldn't feel hurt somewhat if she was constantly drooling/comparing but just because you get married doesn't mean you stop looking. Just watch/look at porno together. Though if your partner is constantly looking at porno, chatting, swapping personal pictures, and watching movies then you surely have a right to complain and a problem in the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted January 16, 2004 Share Posted January 16, 2004 Savanaaa, You equate looking at pictures of naked members of the oppisite sex with conversing and swapping pictures members of the opposite sex?? That's a lesson-teaching experience? Whatever leads to a happy relationship, I guess, but I find looking at pictures of the opposite sex a lot less greivious than actually flirting with them. No congrats from me, if you make your relationship an eye for an eye, you're going to lead to secrecy. Link to post Share on other sites
busterb Posted January 16, 2004 Share Posted January 16, 2004 I think that Savanaaa's threat to start chatting with other men and swapping pictures is a bit over the top. In my books, looking at porn (for men) is equivalent to reading steamy romance novels (for women). Men (for the most part) fantasize about sex. Women (for the most part) fantasize about romance. In both cases, spouses tend to dive into the fantasy world when something is missing from their real-life relationship. This doesn't mean that it should never happen. All relationships have difficult periods. The problem with porn is that because it's been labeled "bad" by society (unlike romance novels) it can become a secret addiction. Looking at porn can be more comfortable than trying to explain to your spouse the nature of the problem (if he even clearly understands what the problem is), just as reading romance novels and fantasizing about romantic affairs can be more comfortable than talking to hubby about how unromantic he's become. Because porn is seen as a vice, it can be even harder to finally break down and start a discussion with one's wife because of the double stigma of not being happy and looking at porn. In short, you have to ask if this is simply (normal) frustration or an addiction. Like Medgirl said, if it's normal frustration then maybe one way to start a conversation about what's going on is to ask to look at the pictures with him, and ask him what he finds attractive and what he doesn't, and offer your opinions when you have some. My wife, for example, likes to watch porn movies with me, although she hasn't seen many. I thank God for this, because at least it's an avenue we can use to talk about sex. Many couples stay mute on the subject because one or the other feels like they aren't being heard. On the other hand, swapping pictures and chatting with other people on line (in a romantic context, I assume) is the equivalent of phone sex. Not really in the same category as porn, I think. Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted January 16, 2004 Share Posted January 16, 2004 Yeah, I'm with dyer. That's pretty rotten to say something like that. TOTALLY not the same thing whatsoever, there's no interaction at all looking at pics or porn. Link to post Share on other sites
Azeele Posted January 17, 2004 Share Posted January 17, 2004 I agree....chatting with another man online and exchanging pictures is NOT the same thing as looking at porn. Besides, there is no harm in your husband looking at pictures of naked women. As long as it's not excessive, what's the problem? Maybe he's being secretive about his habits because of your reaction to them. Lighten up and maybe look at some porn with him....he'll be happier and less secretive about it, I bet. Link to post Share on other sites
TMCM Posted January 17, 2004 Share Posted January 17, 2004 Just like with alcohol, porn and steamy romance novels distort reality. Those that already have a weak link with reality will be further affected and will suffer the consequences for indulging in further exposure to them. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted January 17, 2004 Share Posted January 17, 2004 Just with alcohol, It's possible for porn and steamy romance novels to be fine for happily committed adults to use healthily without any permanent repurcussion at all. Link to post Share on other sites
TMCM Posted January 17, 2004 Share Posted January 17, 2004 Originally posted by dyermaker Just with alcohol, It's possible for porn and steamy romance novels to be fine for happily committed adults to use healthily without any permanent repurcussion at all. And BOTH spouses are in full agreement to do so in small doses. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted January 17, 2004 Share Posted January 17, 2004 Originally posted by TMCM And BOTH spouses are in full agreement to do so in small doses. Naw, now you're bastardizing the analogy. Plenty of healthy relationships exist in which one is a drinker, and one is not. It only becomes unhealthy when the drinker can't control himself, or even worse, if (s)he gets all secretive about it. I don't think anyone would agree that going out and getting s-faced yourself would teach your partner to stop drinking. Link to post Share on other sites
Azeele Posted January 17, 2004 Share Posted January 17, 2004 Originally posted by Savanaaa Long story short a couple days later I checked the computer and found all those pics gone and one of mine on the desktop.Now I realize that he could be doing that just to keep me quiet but he also knows that if that happens again? The consequences of his actions could be the same for me. Or maybe he really loves you and looking at porn is just not as important to him as you had previously thought. Maybe he really is willing to give it up for you. Whatever you do, though, if that's not true and you later find out that he was just trying to placate you, don't try to get even. That would just get nasty and escalate things. You might not get the response you desire from him if you start that "eye for an eye" mess. .....Or, what you think is "eye for eye". Honestly, trying to get back at him for looking at nudie pics by hot-chatting with strange men is NOT going to make him do what you want him to do, which I assume is to not look at porn. Is that it? Or is it just that you don't want him to be secretive about it? IMHO, if he has a penchant for looking at naked women and porn, he is going to look. It's just human nature - male human nature. Like the female penchant for shopping....hehehe.....How many women sneak purchases into the house after the husband has left or gone to bed??? and then later say, "oh, this old thing? I forgot I had this!! " He probably will continue to look. He just won't be so upfront about it. And, your negative reaction will probably just make him crawl further into his shell. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Savanaaa Posted January 19, 2004 Author Share Posted January 19, 2004 Thanks for all the replys...I never planned on having a conversation or swapping pics with another man...It was to make a point and my point was that personally I dont like porn but it offends me...I wanted to get his attn. about the subject of secretly looking at porn when I was not around...a marriage is a partnership and without secrets...As far as other couples or (individuals)who enjoy watching other people have sex or looking at naked pics whatever floats your boat not my business but my husbands business is mine and vise versa....Also I would not compare shopping with porn it has nothing to do with the other lol...I can see it now "Hey honey Im going out shopping for a new dress have fun secretly looking at naked people while im out".In my marriage I like honesty,no secrets and trust without these things what kind of marriage do we have. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted January 19, 2004 Share Posted January 19, 2004 It wasn't your intentions that were rotten, it was your plan of action. Link to post Share on other sites
AprilFool Posted January 19, 2004 Share Posted January 19, 2004 If your wife, whom you loved more than anyone, was beautiful and sexy, but insecure about the fact that you watch other women with flatter abs and bigger boobs doing naughty things to men, or she was insecure about the fact that you look at pictures of naked women with bigger boobs posing naked, and she asked you to stop, would you? Would you do that for her self esteem or simply because it's something that she felt strongly about, or would you selfishly continue to do it, even though you know it breaks her heart? Even if she just felt that it's something too dirty to have under the same roof as her, and asked you to give her the respect of not looking at it, would you stop? If no matter how much you reassured her that you looking at porn has nothing to do with your attraction to her, she still cried when she found it, would you stop? Just wondering. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted January 19, 2004 Share Posted January 19, 2004 Originally posted by AprilFool [...] would you stop? Just wondering. Yes, I would stop, because I wouldn't' want to hurt someone I loved. I'd also attend her family funerals, spend time with her romantically, and communicate with her. If we could not communicate, I wouldn't find something to blame it on; instead, I'd get counseling. You don't have to resent me because I disagree with you about pornography. Link to post Share on other sites
Bubbles Posted January 19, 2004 Share Posted January 19, 2004 Hey Girl, Don't let all the negative feedback from the guys here make you feel bad for what you did. What you did was simply put the shoe on the other foot. You said to him - I don't like it when you do this........and if you don't stop.....I will do something that will hurt you just as badly as I feel right now. Men wouldn't care if women look at naked pictures of men.....but they would care if you were having a discussion with the same guy that the naked pictures came from. In any women's mind our men are acting out conversations and situations in their mind of the naked woman that they are looking at (for hours sometimes). Most women don't have the same imagination that men do. So What? Savanaaa gave her spouce an ultimatum. Who cares what she threatened him with? He stopped didn't he? That's probably because she is not a woman of idle threats! She states her case and follows through - we could all learn a good lesson from Savanaa. Consistancy is the key! Cheers Savanaaa, Bubbles Link to post Share on other sites
TMCM Posted January 20, 2004 Share Posted January 20, 2004 Brinkmanship strategies may work temporarily but they usually tend to backfire. The best ultimatum is the one you do with your feet where you walk out of his life period. Link to post Share on other sites
Medgirl Posted January 21, 2004 Share Posted January 21, 2004 I'm just worried that while he may have stopped, he may continue again. He may even secretly rebel. Putting a leash on someone is not always a good idea. He may look at other women in porn and fantasize about them, but it doesn't mean he loves them or has respect for them, and it doesn't mean you're not sexy. And PS, whether women like it or not, there will always be sexier women out there that your husband may think are sexy too. But your men don't want those women. They probably don't even want to meet them. Those girls are just a form of entertainment to them. If it's a huge deal to you maybe you should ask your men WHY they like porn so much in the first place. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveDeluxe Posted January 23, 2004 Share Posted January 23, 2004 I cannot believe that you honestly think that flirting with another man is equivalent to your man looking at porn. With porn, there is a sense of detachment, there are no emotions involved, while you go out and have a real life flirting session with another human being? Somehow the punishment does not fit the "crime" here, I quote crime since looking at pornography is simply not that! I am also a female with a healthy boyfriend who enjoys porn, and I find nothing wrong with it. Having read similar posts like yours, I feel that I must give you another female perspective. The issue here is not whether your boyfriend is "cheating" on you (he's not), but the issue here is insecurity. From your post, it seems that the main issue here is insecurity. You would not feel threatened by porn if self estreem was not an issue. First off, we must learn to accept and love ourselves for being the way we are. There will always be people more attractive than us, richer than us, more intelligent, luckier, as there will always be people more unattractive than us, poorer than us, less intelligent than us, and unluckier than us. If you put it all in perspective, I think it will be easier for you to become more comfortable with who you are. Secondly, men are visual creatures This has scientifically been proven and psychologists and sex therapists will confirm this fact. Be happy that your boyfriend is a healthy, red blooded male with healthy thoughts and desires. You first caught his attention because he found you attractive and I am sure that he continues to be attracted to you. However, just because a person is in a relationship does not mean that all their attraction buttons are automatically shut off. What you do need to give your boyfriend credit for, is that, despite the fact that will always be visually attracted to other women, he has CHOSEN to be monogamous and faithful to you! (While you choose to flirt with other men to make him jealous! The intentions are completely different here I hope you are aware.) And seriously, if trust is an issue, then I would be more worried about your boyfriend hanging out with his female co-workers, or being outside the house, then pornography. The bottom line is, most men aren't naturally hard-wired for monogamy. However, good men have made promises to commit and that must count for something, doesn't it? Pornography allows him to diffuse some of that fantasy to have sex with other women without crossing that boundary into infidelity. This does not mean that he does not find you attractive. Men can find a multitude of looks attractive, and most times, they are not thinking, wow, that model on the computer screen is MUCH MUCH hotter than my girlfriend. Couples could benefit from introducing porn into their sex lives. Gee, I'd be scared to think what problems a bachelor party would pose to some women? Secondly, you say you are there for him whenever he wants sex, well hun, a comedian once said, if women were there for men whenever they wanted sex, women would not have time to work or, heck, put on clothes or leave the bedroom. While this is meant to be funny, there is some truth to it. HOWEVER, with that said, there are certain situations where pornography is simply not alright. If he is looking at child pornography or beastiality, that is another issue, or if he is CONSUMED by porn to the point where it affects your sex life, where he would rather masturbate with porn than have sex with you, then that's another issue altogether and that would pose a huge problem. I just want to sum this up by saying that the solution to this problem is to strengthe your self esteem and to educate yourself more about male sexuality. If you have any male friends, you can objectively ask them questions and reflect on their answers. Just because you are in a relationship does not give you an excuse to forbid someone to have fantasies, as long as he is not cheating on you. Most men would not want to spend their lives with women who are overbearing, not understanding, unreasonable, and insecure. Here is what Dan Savage of Savage Love writes about men and porn: "Men aren't wired for monogamy. Period. It's one thing for a woman to ask her man to make that commitment and be faithful; it's quite another for that woman to ask her man to pretend that he's not even remotely interested in having sex with other people--to pretend, essentially, that he isn't a man. But the true measure of a man's love isn't that he doesn't desire others, but that he doesn't act on his desire for others. If a woman can't see that, well, then she has no understanding of men's sexuality and, consequently, no business being in a relationship with a man". Good luck and I hope you find what you need so that you can strenghten your self esteem as well as your relationship with your boyfriend. Link to post Share on other sites
Azeele Posted January 23, 2004 Share Posted January 23, 2004 Well said, Love, I don't think I could have said it better. I am a woman, too and I agree with you wholeheartedly. And, Savanaa, I'd be interested in knowing just why you find porn offensive. What in particular offends you about it? Link to post Share on other sites
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