Author Savanaaa Posted January 23, 2004 Author Share Posted January 23, 2004 I guess I should start off by saying that its not my boyfriend its my husband of close to 22 years now.Next ive already stated that whats good for the Porn gawkers is fine by me but not at my house.I dont find secrecy good for a marriage because if you feel you have to hide it from your spouse then you must feel its not a good thing to be doing.What do I find offensive about it? Its degrading to women and from what ive read its hurt alot of couples and marriages.If its hurtful to your spouse and she does not approve then you have to look at whats most important in your life? Your secret porn watching or your wifes feelings about it.You have to decide should I hurt her and it does if she does not approve or should I continue to secretly hide it and take the risk of the results.Now for all those who say nothing is wrong with porn how would you feel per-say you found out your boyfriend or spouse was secretly looking or? Just keeping a secret in general about anything from you.Would you say oh well he's just a healthy boyfriend who enjoys keeping secrets from me or would you wonder why and possibly be hurt by this.It does not take a rocket scientist to figure out secrets and dishonesty is wrong and you dont have to be (Men educated) to figure this out.I have been married a long time and a good way to end something thats been good for a long time is to put your spouse on the back burner because you feel your porn habbits are way more important then her feelings.Also I dont think it would benefit me or my husband to bring porn in our sex lives personally im not into to bringing other people into our bed with us but like I said whatever works for you my congrats alot of people are into alot of things these days and just because im not?Does not make me or any of the other women who strongly feel that its not right awful because we like to keep our sex lives just between husband & wife. Link to post Share on other sites
AprilFool Posted January 23, 2004 Share Posted January 23, 2004 I feel refreshed. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveDeluxe Posted January 23, 2004 Share Posted January 23, 2004 Savanaaa, So what bothers you more, the fact that your husband is looking at porn, or his secrecy and dishonesty about it? To answer your question, yes, my boyfriend is a red blooded male who does have porn on this computer and subscribes to Playboy, etc. He does not hide this fact from me and there is no secrecy or dishonesty about it. Have you considered the fact that maybe your husband hid from you because he didn't think you would understand? Maybe if you came up with a compromise and say, "baby, you know that it bothers me that you look at porn because _________, but I do understand that you enjoy it from time to time, so I am asking that you be honest and open with me about this, and to do it in moderation so that it does not become a substitute to having sex and sharing intimacy with me, and I will try and be understanding about it. However, just because I am being understanding does not mean that I approve of it or enjoy it in anyway, however, men and women have different views about many things, and we can come to a compromise." I hope you don't think that I am saying you are "wrong" to feel this way. You are entitled to your feelings just as he is entitled to him. All I am saying is that you have a wonderful relationship, and I am sure you and him can come to a compromise regarding this issue. Keep us posted. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted January 23, 2004 Share Posted January 23, 2004 Men have an extremely hard to control chemical urge to pleasure themselves, but this hurts women. Once a month, women have an extremely hard to control chemical urge to be an incredible bitch, but this hurts men. If women knock the PMS off, then we can talk. Oh? What's that? You can't help it? Link to post Share on other sites
Kriz Posted January 23, 2004 Share Posted January 23, 2004 They're going to kill you on this one Dyer... You best hope none of them have it going on right now Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted January 23, 2004 Share Posted January 23, 2004 *shrugs* The porn debate is so stale, I think I can take it. Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted January 23, 2004 Share Posted January 23, 2004 it's a fallacious analogy and he knows it. it's my theory that he is frustrated with the debate. i sympathize, and loved AprilFool's post this morning lightening up the mood. the analogy actually hurts the overall argument - monthly freaking out can be actively harmful, and can usually be controlled with diet and exercise, whereas seeking to masturbate is neither innately harmful nor fixable through natural means. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted January 23, 2004 Share Posted January 23, 2004 To some extent, every analogy is fallacious. What I meant is that both are: 1. Chemical in nature. 2. Common to almost all of said gender. 3. Not done to hurt the other person, although sometimes this is the effect. 4. Hard, but not impossible, to control. 5. Not to be taken personally. Joking aside, I didn't mean to be inflammatory, although I knew that it would likely be taken as so. I was just trying to put it in some perspective, that masturbation is not done to hurt another person. These women make themselves the victim, when they are not. Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted January 24, 2004 Share Posted January 24, 2004 that i agree with completely. i don't understand victim mentality in general, even less so when it's based on scantily-clad paper tigers. although the creativity of it is starting to stimulate me. think of the scale thinking and microscopophillia! how small would i have to be to imagine myself that two dimensional women, evidently constantly distracted by hormones and falling out of clothes, would frighten me? it's like gulliver's travels. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted January 24, 2004 Share Posted January 24, 2004 Originally posted by jenny how small would i have to be to imagine myself that two dimensional women, evidently constantly distracted by hormones and falling out of clothes, would frighten me? Well, I'm 5'8 and I'm often frightened by any-dimensional women distracted by hormones. Originally posted by jenny although the creativity of it is starting to stimulate me. [color=white]See, Women do it too![/color] Link to post Share on other sites
lostforwords Posted January 24, 2004 Share Posted January 24, 2004 Men have an extremely hard to control chemical urge to pleasure themselves, but this hurts women. Once a month, women have an extremely hard to control chemical urge to be an incredible bitch, but this hurts men. If women knock the PMS off, then we can talk. Oh? What's that? You can't help it? ROFL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! this has been the best example ive seen so far..... dyer.... you f@#king rock dude... Link to post Share on other sites
AprilFool Posted January 24, 2004 Share Posted January 24, 2004 I don't care if he MASTERBATES. I just want him fantasizing about ME and not the hottie in the PORN!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted January 24, 2004 Share Posted January 24, 2004 Originally posted by AprilFool I don't care if he MASTERBATES. I just want him fantasizing about ME and not the hottie in the PORN!!!!!!! To quote Pink Floyd, "We don't need no thought control". Double negatives aside, do you see how you're being a bit controlling? Link to post Share on other sites
Medgirl Posted January 24, 2004 Share Posted January 24, 2004 Even as a woman I can say that I'd probably get bored masturbating to the same guy for the rest of my life. Doing the same guy forever is doable, asking me to masturbate to the same guy forever... that's just asking for trouble. It just asks for all sorts of guilt and frustration. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted January 24, 2004 Share Posted January 24, 2004 I think there's two schools of thought; at least I've seen them here. When I look at the stuff, it is NOT for the pictures of the fellows AT ALL. It is what is going on that is what's interesting. It is to kick-start the fantasy of THE ACT ITSELF, not the act with the people in the pictures. In fact, when I have a love interest, I imagine the person in my life taking part in that act with me (or by himself, as the case may be). I have zero interest in the people in the pics - unless they remind me of the person in my life. Some men have posted to say that they want to look at the act, not the players. The reason you pick different pics is that there are variations to be had. Some women have posted that they would rather look at a different human, and perhaps some men wish to, too, but I think I am not the only person who is not interested in the people in the photos. And, yes, Dyer, you ROCK Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted January 24, 2004 Share Posted January 24, 2004 Originally posted by moimeme And, yes, Dyer, you ROCK Muchas Gracias, I thought that you women would crucify me for drawing such a comparison, but it looks like I caught you all on your good weeks. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted January 24, 2004 Share Posted January 24, 2004 I caught you all on your good weeks. My dear, ALL my weeks are good weeks! Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted January 24, 2004 Share Posted January 24, 2004 Just something I wanted to add ( I know, I'm a bit late, but I'm on a different time zone to you guys).... I actually like watching porn sometimes with my guy...it turns us on. I also like watching it by myself sometimes before he comes home, because it turns ME on...(he also loves this, because he is then the object of desire as soon as he walks in! lol). I am not turned on by the other men and women on the screen. I am turned on thinking of doing some of those things with MY guy. It actually doesn't mean I want those ridiculous looking actors at all! Maybe this helps for those women who get anxious. Then again, I think if my guy looked at porn a lot without me, it would bug me too, to be quite honest. And it would bug me more if he LIED about it. If he wanted to look SOMETIMES and TOLD me, I could probably handle that. But I guess you never really know how you'd act unless you were in that situation. I haven't ever been with a guy who I knew watched porn often, although after reading some of the posts on here, perhaps there were watching it in secret! And AprilFool, how are things in your home? Going OK I hope. Link to post Share on other sites
AprilFool Posted January 25, 2004 Share Posted January 25, 2004 Things are ok at home. I used to fantasize only about my husband. I used to only fantasize about the man I was with. My husband looked at porn. I started looking at porn, to convince myself it wasn't a big deal. I decided that it was stupid to sacrifice my morals just because my husband does, so I recently quit viewing any nudity all together. This afternoon, I was horny, but not in the mood for a meaningful love session. So I masterbated. It started out with a fantasy of my husband, but quickly turned to an old porn flick I had viewed months ago. Proof: This proves to me that without porn, I would probably be what my husband fantasizes about.....but I am convinced now that he fantasizes about those other woemen when he masterbates. THANK YOU STUPID COMPUTER+INTERNET. Once I was all he needed....now, he needs pictures Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted January 25, 2004 Share Posted January 25, 2004 April, he needs you, just as you need him. The pictures may occassionally be a turn on for you, or for him. That's OK. They don't replace the real thing at all! Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted January 25, 2004 Share Posted January 25, 2004 Your conclusions amuse me. You are a woman, your nature of fantasy is completely different. Perhaps you can never comprehend what it is like to be a man, but can you just take the word of EACH AND EVERY ONE OF US (and some women too) that he doesn't fantasize about porn models in an emotional way? You claim that once you were, "all he needed"--are you really that naive to think he'd never thought of another woman sexually? Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted January 25, 2004 Share Posted January 25, 2004 April, I really think you need to let this one go a bit...everyone is trying to help you do that. Sure, you husband needs to put in work too, but you have to get serious about healing a few of your issues. That's how it seems to me anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
AprilFool Posted January 25, 2004 Share Posted January 25, 2004 YES I WAS THAT NAIVE!!! When we dated, he really made me feel like I was the only woman he thought about. Marriage was a VERY rude awakening...I had never fathomed the idea that the man I was with fantasized about other women Originally posted by dyermaker Your conclusions amuse me. You are a woman, your nature of fantasy is completely different. Perhaps you can never comprehend what it is like to be a man, but can you just take the word of EACH AND EVERY ONE OF US (and some women too) that he doesn't fantasize about porn models in an emotional way? You claim that once you were, "all he needed"--are you really that naive to think he'd never thought of another woman sexually? Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted January 25, 2004 Share Posted January 25, 2004 Originally posted by AprilFool YES I WAS THAT NAIVE!!! When we dated, he really made me feel like I was the only woman he thought about. Marriage was a VERY rude awakening...I had never fathomed the idea that the man I was with fantasized about other women It's not that your husband does this to hurt you, it's that EVERY man does this, and you let it hurt you. His chromosomes made him a man, not porn. Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted January 25, 2004 Share Posted January 25, 2004 April were you together very long before you married? Link to post Share on other sites
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