jessiebee Posted October 14, 2009 Share Posted October 14, 2009 I really thought after one month of us being apart it would do something for him, but it hasn't. I think things might actually be getting worse. I feel like such an ******* for trusting this man with my future and our children. How can someone just turn off their love for someone. I mean, I know I could be harsh sometimes and say things that hurt, but overall I wasn't THAT bad of a person. I was a good mom to both our children and a good "wife" to him. How the hell do you just turn off everything that felt so real. Tonight I was fine, felt good. He came home we talked about this kids going to his dad's this weekend for his birthday then he tells me that he wants the kids to spend the night at his dad's before he moves to FL. I said "Sure. Sounds like fun for the kids" Then on my way to my mother's (where I'm staying because he felt he didn't want to deal with me anymore but would be happy to keep the kids) I started thinking what the hell could he be doing for his birthday that night since he doesn't have the kids. So I get in and I really fought with myself to not call or txt him, but then, of course, I give in and call. I asked him since the kids were at his dad's would he be okay with me cooking him a birthday dinner. He says, "that's nice but I actually have plans to go out with my job to this haunted house thing they are doing" WTF this man has never, and I mean NEVER gone to anything for his job, now all of a sudden he wants to do things with his job WHY??? B/c the girl that he works with that he swears nothing is going on with is going to be there. WTF is his deal. He knows these things hurt me. He knows the first thing I'm going to think is that he is with HER. OMG I wish I had that switch he has right now. I wish I could just turn all these feelings off and not care abt whatever it is he is doing. So there I was crying my eyes out after I got off the phone, asking myself why am I putting myself through all this pain. Abt a half hour later I txt him " Am I fighting for something that isn't even mine anymore" to which he replies " what is that suppoesed to mean" WTH do you think it means DUMBASS. UGHHHHHH After a few txt back and forth he says "Like I have told you before. I can't give you anything right now because I can't give you what I don't have and the more you push to get what you want out of me the more it pushes me away." I can't stand this man. how do you love and hate someone all in the same moment? I mean seriously what am I fighting for?? Am I fighting for a cheater? IDK! Am I fighting for someone who really does love me, but he is just too angry to feel it? IDK! Am I fighting for the same man I fell in love with 6 years ago? I couldn't even tell you, but this man I really don't know anymore. Why can't I just stop the hurt stop that fight in me. I start counselling next Wed. and my goal is to be happy alone. I want to be able to feel content with just me and my children. I want him to know that I no longer need him and what he did to prove his point was wrong even if he isn't doing anything with this chick from his job. Actions speak louder than words and right now his actions tell me everything he's not!!! What helps me sleep at night is that I know it can only get better for me and my children (once I am able to afford an apt for me and them to live now) and that the truth always comes out in the end. The grass is never greener when you seek it in the wrong places. Now, I just need to FOCUS... I need to do a 180 stat..... I want to be friends with him but not until I know I can be happy by myself and from there I may not even want to be with him. Maybe I'll be happier in the end.... bet he never thought abt that!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Logik Posted October 14, 2009 Share Posted October 14, 2009 Well done. I advised you to do this weeks ago. Do you see now? Nobody can be told what to do, they have to realise things for themselves. Now that you have realised the first step, LS will help you along your way. Keep posting and reading people's stories and try to help the newbies with problems that are similar to yours. It helps. NO CONTACT, except when it's about the children. Please. Please. Please! Don't give in! Link to post Share on other sites
Author jessiebee Posted October 14, 2009 Author Share Posted October 14, 2009 Thanks, Logik, I 'm not giving in anymore. Life is a game and I'm about to play hard. I do want to wait around for him because I feel he is worth it, but I need to be HAPPY with ME. I tried and tried to have him see things my way and although it hurt everytime he turned me down, I'm starting to see the 180 is my only option. I read a story yesterday on another site by a woman named Carol. She was in limbo for a year and a half before her husband woke the hell up and realized he was the problem. That he had the issues and he was just taking it out on his wife because he felt she was too controlling (mind you the guy was very passive, just like my F) Her H also didn't want to have anything to do with her and told her he hated being around her. He was in an EA too (Don't have any proof abt my F but I def feel like something is up) So this is my only hope, Lets see if I sink or swim. I really don't want to be anything to him right now, but I know I have to keep the peace for my kids so I will try (REALLY HARD). I need to make changes and he needs to feel them. The problem is right now he is getting everything HE wants. I'm out of the house. His kids are still with him and everyone is pretty much on his side because he keeps painting this horrible picture of me. He needs to get a true feel for what his decision will bring. He won't have the happy home anymore. He won't have someone picking up after him 24/7. (Which I was still doing up until yesterday) He won't have a nice meal to ever come home to or his kids all excited at the door when he walks in. I mean, who the hell wants to give up on that. On their family, on their spouse. UGH I wish I was in his head sometimes so I could hear the stupid things running through his mind. I really hope this all works and in the end I hope I'm the stronger one for dealing with all of this and waiting for him. I really hope it doesn't SLAP me in the face. BUT, I have a plan now and that is better than all the hope in the world. So I plan on working on me FIRST!! Link to post Share on other sites
Logik Posted October 14, 2009 Share Posted October 14, 2009 Don't worry, you're not alone. I'm in the same position, out of the house, my wife has the kids etc. I can just work on me. I don't think that if you do it properly it will be a slap in the face. You've already had the slap. You need to accept and do it for you. It will only be another slap if you expect him to take you back. Don't do it for that reason. Do it for you. Just keep him in the back of your head. As you progress you'll start to see it the other way. You'll think to yourself, "Hey, look at what he's missing out on!". That's when you have the power and it won't matter whether he wants you or not. If he eventually does, it'll be up to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jessiebee Posted October 14, 2009 Author Share Posted October 14, 2009 I know and I think that is why I was battling myself for these past couple weeks because I'm afraid my love for him will change to dislike. I have been through a whole lot in my 22 years and I have always managed to become a stronger person from everything. I guess I'm a little afraid because I know how I overcome things like this. I push foward and move on and I think because I know we have a family together I am trying to hold on to all of this. Really I shouldn't be though because he isn't. He doesn't even consider me part of his family anymore. To think that two months ago he was sending me emails talking about how I am the only one in his life and He will love me and only me forever what kind of bullsh/games is he trying to play. This Sat. is going to be extremely hard to get through knowing he might be spending his birthday with another person. It is killing me inside but I am trying not to show it. I wish sometimes I had that cold face to he is able to wear so well right now. I wear my emotions on my sleeve and he knows it so the more I mask it the better it will be for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Logik Posted October 14, 2009 Share Posted October 14, 2009 Did you see my suggestion on your other thread about getting the kids to make him a card? You should do this. You will have fun with your kids and he will appreciate it. Doing this will not break the no contact rule because you're not wishing him directly, but it does send a message that you are having fun with the kids, even if it's doing something for their dad. Just a suggestion. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jessiebee Posted October 14, 2009 Author Share Posted October 14, 2009 Yes, I did get that. Thanks. I think I will do that for him because I don't want to do anything directly for him , but it will still show that I care. I guess .... Link to post Share on other sites
Author jessiebee Posted October 14, 2009 Author Share Posted October 14, 2009 How do you hold up everyday being away from your kids? I know you weren't the one who made the choice to leave, but how do you get through your day? Did your wife ever wake up or does she still think this is what's best? And when did you start the NC with her?? Link to post Share on other sites
Logik Posted October 14, 2009 Share Posted October 14, 2009 I know that my kids are taken care of. This puts my mind at ease about them. There's nothing really that you can do to stop missing them. I also know that I will see them soon and I look forward to this more than anything. My wife still thinks that what she is doing is best. If she had changed her mind, she would've let me know. For the past two months, I have not initiated any contact. I just replied to her contacting me. She only contacts me if it has anything to do with the kids, like making sure I'm gonna pick them up on a certain day or if one of them is sick etc, and recently, about what we're gonna do about the house. She also asks about my mom who has had a stroke recently. Have you read my story? It's called "Accepting divorce". Link to post Share on other sites
Author jessiebee Posted October 14, 2009 Author Share Posted October 14, 2009 Yes, read it a couple weeks back. Didn't know if things had changed any. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jessiebee Posted October 14, 2009 Author Share Posted October 14, 2009 I guess I feel like I'm their mother and I know how to care for my children. Not saying he is a bad father, just that I'm usually the one home with them in the afternoons and so on. Everytime I come into the apartment everything is a mess and the only time it gets cleaned is when I pick up. I want to stop doing things for him, but at the same time I don't want my children to suffer because he is being absent minded right now. Getting a place for me and my kids can't come any faster. Everyone keeps telling me not to get a place to just wait it out but it is only making the situation worse and I am tired of letting him and his plans get the best of me. At least I know when my kids are with me they are with me not getting put off on my mom or dad because I want to make plans. This is not him, he is such a family man what the hell is happening? Link to post Share on other sites
Author jessiebee Posted October 15, 2009 Author Share Posted October 15, 2009 Wrote in a journal tonight.... feeling good, but F is on his way home and this is when my low point comes in... Seems like I can do fine all day and once he gets in I feel like I have to start all over again even if we don't even speak....ugh when does this pass? I just want to feel normal around him... I guess I won't feel like that until he stops making me feel like I am the devil to him. I don't know anymore just that the FOCUS is on ME!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author jessiebee Posted October 17, 2009 Author Share Posted October 17, 2009 Why does confusion have to be a part of our lives? Why do ppl even get confused? Now, because he is confused abt us and where we stand I am confused about what I should do next. I am hoping to have enough money together for me and my kids to get an apartment by the beginning of Nov. Only problem is that right now I feel like if I do this it will only make him more annoyed with me. He told me he thinks I need to be on my own for a while, but I still don't think he fully understands what that all means. WE WILL NO LONGER BE THERE.... I feel like I need a little push to get myself going because I know in the end it is about me and my children and not him but I still want him and my family back so badly. I can honestly say that I hate confusion. Confusion is what got us into this mess. Well, maybe not just confusion, but it def played a big part in it. Does anyone think it will hurt the situation if I get a place for me and my kids..... In the end if we are meant to be together we will, right??? Link to post Share on other sites
Author jessiebee Posted October 17, 2009 Author Share Posted October 17, 2009 I really think I need to make the move no matter what..... I'm just a little scared at the moment..... I feel like I should WAKE UP already and this will all be over.... Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted October 17, 2009 Share Posted October 17, 2009 I really think I need to make the move no matter what..... I'm just a little scared at the moment..... I feel like I should WAKE UP already and this will all be over.... I know how you feel, I did that the first month as well.....felt like I would wake up one morning and "normal" would be back again.....I finally found that I had to build a "new normal" for myself and our son. It's not easy, but you just keep going.... Link to post Share on other sites
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