Commitment freaked is there a chance for us.

[dlb311]

I have a issue.

 

My boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me about 4 months ago. Its been hard. I have had my heart broken before but this time I had no doubts that we would be together forever. We were planning on moving in together at the end of August but we broke up two weeks before he finished moving everything in. Anyway to make a long story short. We talked and went to dinner after the break up and decided to be friends. I tried but I was on a roller coaster ride and could no longer handle it. He was telling me he loved me and that his feelings hadn't changed for me. That he needed me in his life but he just needed his time to get his career on track.

 

2 months later I couldn't handle so I told him we couldn't be friends for now because it hurt to much. He said he was trying to be optomistic about it. I said he was playing with my emotions by telling me his feelings hadn't changed. He said he was just being honest. He is a good guy. But I am so hurt over this. I would have never thought this would happen. I know relationships have its ups and downs. But I never thought one of us would give up if that is what he is doing. I wanted to let him see what it was like not to have me in his life at all. He talked to my Aunt a couple times and told her he wasn't sure but hoped that if I was the right one for him that he hoped he hadn't ruined it. Then He came to my gym about three weeks ago and talked to me for awhile. He looked so sad like he missed me. He asked me to call him or e-mail him. He had e-mailed me after I said I couldn't be his friend. Saying that it hurt him but he wants me to be in his life again someday and that he isn't sure if you could ever be more then friends. So now I was getting real confused. I think he is confused.

 

Then Last week I missed him so much I decided to call him and let him know. I told him how I missed him and I loved him he said he loved me too and missed me too. But RIGHT NOW he can't be in a serious relationship he doesn't have the effort to put into it. He said that he doesn't want anyone else. He said for me to have a good weekend and I said I will. He said he wishes I would e-mail him. that was it.

 

I sent him an e-mailing saying its cool we don't have to be so serious I am not in a hurry and never was. I just want to casually date again and see where it takes us. I e-mailed him last Tuesday but he hasn't checked it yet. I am waiting. He use to check his mail. every week and hasn't checked my message. So now I am confused. I know time time time is what i need. But sometimes you feel like you need to know. I wish he would check his mail. I think either he is busy maybe took a trip or just hasn't gotten around to it. But I don't know.

 

The Question is: Is there a chance for us still?

[lady_vampiress2003]

I dont think so, not in i long while anyway till he gets himself together anyways, which cos u have feeling u shouldnt be waiting on him till his good and ready to take u back when he feels he may want to. i think his pretty selfish to want to still be friends with u knowing that hurts u so much to be just friends, and sending u mixed messages, plus not calling or emailing u, and pretty much keeping u in limbo cos u dont know whever to hang on or to move on unlike most break ups. He should be straight with u and not tell u he still loves u and his feelings havent changed for u, but yet wants to be friends but yet not sure whever he wants more of u in the future its making u confused and u shouldnt putup with it. i personally think if he is going to put u on hold so easily like that and play with ur feelings u should forget waiting for emails or calls from him and do the same and maybe date other people so he sees ur not going be there on hold for him which it seems like he expects of u, this way he will see he cant just put u on hold and have u for the future when his ready and on his terms and will be more eager to get back with regegular contact with u seeing that his losing u. thats the only way u know if he was meant to be or not othewise ull be waiting upon him for a long time which is ridiculous. u need to et out meet new people and make him see ur not going to be waiting for him til he feels like coming back whenever that is.

[Caddy]

I would tell you it's time to move on. Why are you bending over and just accepting casual dating with him?

You love him. And it's going to break your heart while the two of you are just "casually dating" and then you find out about some other girl.

 

Take some time to heal. Be alone or find someone else to have some fun with.

 

But you need to move on and away from this pattern of hurt before it really breaks your heart and spirit.

[xyz_212]

Hi -

 

i am in the same situation... i broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years about 3 months ago. (im 24 - hes 27) i was so shocked by the whole thing that i packed up and moved to another city.

 

well, he said that he loved me and didnt want anyone else - that he felt like we lost ourselves and needed to be more independent. he felt like he needed me to accomplish everything in his life and career and that he needed to prove to himself that he could do it on his own. he wanted to 'go off on his own'

 

he went as far as to say that he knew we would get back together because he plans on marrying me and all of that. he said that he would move to where i now live next year, he says that would be enough time...

 

so i asked him if you KNOW all of this - than we are just having a rough patch - and we should stick it out and we'll be fine. but he was sick over it - crying, couldnt get out of bed - he was a mess - he said he just need to be alone without me for a while.

 

so we have been keeping in touch - emails, phone calls and letters via snail mail.... for the last 3 months.. everytime we talk or email he says i love you, i miss you etc etc.. and it was really messing me up. i kept saying things like if you feel like this than why did i leave? - why did we break up? and i would cry and we would go through the same conversation over and over...

 

i would start to get paranoid and OVER analyze everything he said and it was getting crazy..!!! so i finally relaized that there was no need to put myself through this.. it was bad enough that we are broken up and i have to deal with the grieving and hurt of that - but to be 1000 miles away and to have to deal with confusion and doubts tooo - its too much..

 

i realized that he was being selfish - he wanted his cake and to eat it too.. and its not fair to me. so i cutt off contact, he said he understood and didnt want to stp talking because he loves me and 'wish i could understand" etc etc...

 

but i feel i made the right choice..

 

yes, im sad and i miss him terribly .. and sometimes i want to pick up the phone and tell him that i take it back - that i want to talk to him and be friends.. but i'd be settling / alterting my feelings just to get WHAT? in return?.. nothing !!! - emptiness..

 

my boyfriend is confused, and immature and he needs to get his s#@t together before getting into an adult serious relationship. thats it. thats what is going on.

 

so im going to move on for the time being and live my life - just like he is.. he's being on his own going on with his life.

 

i cant tell anyone what to do - but just think twice about the casual dating idea.. realistically that won't work... its going to kill you inside.. don't you want all or nothing? don't you deserve that?

 

i just wanted to share my story with you - because we seem to be in the same boat right now.

 

[sarah12]

wow - xyz_212 you are sooo strong for cutting off contact like that.

 

It seems like a lot of relationships get to this "mid life crisis" point where one suddenly feels like they have to "discover themselves"..I find this happens with those of us in our 20s! Why is that!?!

 

dlb311 - I know it is hard to play the waiting game and that you want the answers to all your questions now, but I think you will have to accept waiting. If you keep contacting him and telling him how much you miss him, it won't give him a chance think on his own without your influence. It'll be better for the both of you in the long run, to think about what you want, and you never know what may happen.

[dlb311]

Thought I am stil confused on what to do. See I cut all communication with him. And I know he came to the gym and talked with my Aunt during that time. See its hard for me because one day I wake up and I say to myself I am okay. I can fins someone else and I deserve better then this. I deserve to have someone love me and be with me with through the ruff times.

 

But people go through things and that isn't always the way.

 

Then sometimes I wake up and and I can't live without him. I am dying inside hoping today is the day he will wake up and come home. With me situation he says RIGHT NOW or I don't know. So his confusion makes me confused. One day I say okay its over I am closing the door. And then two hours later I feel differently.

 

I wish this was easier but its not. And sometimes you have to deal with it and go through hard times to have to stronger and better. I am not calling him and bugging him all the time. I think I have contacted him twice since we met for dinner after the break up. And if he ever checks his mail again he will get my latest e-mail. I know that I want to be with him forever but I know that I am not in a hurry see that was the whole thing I never was. But we got all caught up in our love we wanted to live together and it freaked him out. Like crap I graduated I am getting a career and now moving in with my girlfriend. I think its normal for any human being to get freaked. He ran instead of dealing with it. I know that is wrong and I don't deserve that. But I love him. And I love his faults as well. I don't call him or try to see him. He has his space like he wants. But I hope our ending is a happy one that is all I can say for now.

 

People can tell me to move on or to not give up but I am the only one who can make the chioce. And I know I want him back. So why? Leave it and close the door.

 

See I have had an experience where I dated this awesome guy and he went to Brazil on vacation for a month and asked if we could continue dating when he returned. I said yes. But while he was gone I found my eye wondering around and I found someone new. When this guy came back I broke things off with him. Now I know I lost a great thing. He deserves better. But if he would have tried to keep in contact with me things might have worked out differently. I still think about him alot. But I know he didn't deserve what I did. But he was so hurt he cut off all contact with me. And so I felt that he hated me and never wanted to talk to me again. which is probably true.

 

Anyway thanks for the advice I wil take it to heart.

 

who knows we might now even want them back when they realize what they have lost.