Need some insight

[Leeza22]

Need some insight as to what is going on in my head. I am going to start with events that began two years ago...with my marriage ending. The last three years of my marriage were unhappy and unsatisfying. We tried to work things out but it just didn't come together. That is when I decided to end it. We were married 10 years but rather than things get better - they got worse. (People thought we were the perfect couple because we never fought...but what they didn't see was that we rarely did anything else either...could barely agree on things to do and sex was non-existent in the last 2 years. He never had an opinion of his own - he always agreed with me. He fit my life at the time we met - but I truly don't think I was really in love at all.) I made the first move to end it but he also agreed that things were not good and that it was time to move on since we could not make it work. My husband and I were also real estate investors and at the time of our split - we still owned 7 properties jointly. We both agreed that it was not a good time to sell and that we would continue to maintain the properties together. Also - at the time we split - I moved out of state closer to my family. But that was also something we talked about in regards to the properties and he agreed, as part of the final decree, to manage the properties. Fast forward to 2 years later and he has since pocketed most of the rent and all of the properties are in default.

 

6 months after we separated - I began seeing someone else. (The ex was surfing the net for new girls before I even moved out of the house.) The new guy is someone I had a crush on for years - beginning at age 15 until about 22 (he is one of my girlfriend's older brother). We never dated before this and I hadn't seen him since I was 22 until a year and a half ago (about 15 years). When we met again - sparks flew like crazy between us and we have been dating since then. He is the love of my life and he has expressed the same. We are engaged to be married next year. We are so similar in so many ways. We finish each other's sentences and I have never laughed so much with someone. We have a lot in common just in our beliefs and values, likes and dislikes but we also have enough differences that we can provide insight to each other on various things. We are also very similar in our tempers - both are very explosive and sometimes when we get into fights - we both hurl very hurtful insults at each other. Neither one of us wants to back down and always want to get the last word in. I have never had this (kind of fighting) in any other relationship and, to be honest, I would have never tolerated it before. For some reason I tolerate it now...is it because I am too in love? I don't understand it. This is one of the things that has been nagging at me. We always apologize to each other and talk things out and never go to bed mad at each other, but why am I tolerating the insults?

 

The next thing that has been nagging at me is my jealousy. Again - I have never been a very jealous person. I've had my moments - but nothing out of the norm of any other person. Recently - my fiance had to go out of town for a week for work. He and 4 other people had to go. 3 other men and one woman. When I found out a woman was going - my mind immediately went beserk and my thoughts were obsessive. Every minute of every day he was gone I was afraid he was cheating on me. I couldn't function to do daily work tasks. Anytime I called and I couldn't reach him I immediately thought he was with this woman. And the more I couldn't reach him - the more I called. I called his room and his cell constantly until I could reach him. I mean, I would call sometimes 20-30 times right in a row. At first - when I did get a hold of him - he would reassure me that there is nothing going on and that I am worrying needlessly (He also asked, "What has happened to you? When we first got together - you were fearless, audacious." He's right - I was fearless and audacious.). Then it came to a point where he got mad and we got into a huge fight (can't blame him). My behavior is what is blowing my mind. Why am I so jealous? He has never given me a reason to distrust him and vice versa. In the midst of my freak-out episode - I called his mother to see if she could get a hold of him and told her my thoughts and suspicions and she said that he does love me and revealed that he planned to buy me a new engagement ring with his holiday bonus (according to her - he didn't have a lot of money when he bought the original ring but also didn't want to wait to propose. He thinks I should have a better ring. My opinion - don't care about the ring - I just want to spend the rest of my life with him.). Anyway - getting back to the point...I am beginning to wonder what is wrong with me? Am I OCD? Am I too in love? I have never been the jealous type before but the thought of losing this man makes me insane. I find that I am tolerating more than I normally would (mainly when we're fighting and insulting each other). I do find that if I see him looking at anyone else or anyone else looking at him - my defense wall goes right up. I do find myself with paranoid thoughts about him cheating and me losing him to someone else. I also find myself just worrying about his safety in general because I can't bear the thought of losing him. When he leaves to go to work or to the store - I always call to remind to make sure he has his seat belt on and to drive safely and to call me when he gets to work so I know he got there ok.

 

I hope someone can give me some insight. I am an educated woman and I have had a very successful career thus far. I like to think I am level headed but my behavior lately has scared the hell out of me (let alone him). I have also found myself worrying whether or not I am attractive enough for my fiance. I have always thought he was gorgeous and back in the day when I had a crush - I was always afraid to talk to him because I didn't think I was pretty enough. Anyone else that knows me - knows I am a very confident person and have high self esteem in all other facets of my life (I work in a very male-dominated field - so being weak is not an option) - but when it comes to my fiance - I am jello and sometimes don't think I am pretty enough. And it is not because of anything he has said or done - he tells me all the time that I am beautiful.

 

A lot has happened over the last two years...I have lost all of the real estate that I worked hard for, was laid of from a very good job (thanks to a merger) and was unemployed for 8 months to boot, and my finances have gone to hell. So fuel for my feelings of inadequacy has definitely been there. In the midst of all this - I have managed to fall head over heels in love.

 

I know this is a long post - and I appreciate you reading it. Any insight or thoughts you have are appreciated. I am just wondering if I should seek any professional help. Either way - I need to get my head under control. Any recommendation as far as self-help books? Anything. I want control of my head back!