blue_nymph Posted October 14, 2009 Share Posted October 14, 2009 I posted here a few months ago, asking about how to improve my situation. I have low self-esteem and the person I am in a relationship with has made it much worse. I have been dealing with their other relationship (it is something I was lied to about in the beginning but have been trying to deal with). This causes most of the problems. He and I are both in college. I am nearly ready to graduate and this semester has been terribly stressful so far. I am finding it hard to study for my graduation exam and keep up with my classes and my work-study at school. He expects me to do some of his homework for him, and I do, but it eats up a lot of time. I am also in trouble if I sleep while he is going to call me (last night he called at 4:30 am). I am expected to wait while he spends time with his other person... I feel worthless. Anytime I complain, I am called names and my faults are listed. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted October 14, 2009 Share Posted October 14, 2009 You probably realize, deep down, that you need to end this "relationship" as soon as possible. What's holding you back? Do you love him? Do you not think you can do better? What is it? Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted October 14, 2009 Share Posted October 14, 2009 I read your previous thread. It looks like what's keeping you in this screwed up, utterly one-sided relationship is a fear of being alone. I'm not sure you could get much more alone than you are now, but tell me: how would being alone be worse than what you're going through now? Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted October 14, 2009 Share Posted October 14, 2009 You have got to extricate yourself from this guy. He is using you and you know it. He loves you and you love him. OK. But no, that isnt enough and it isnt a true love partnership. You have become his victim and your familiarity with that role, for whatever reason, makes that familiar and comfortable to you. If you feel that you can not shake him right now...wean yourself. STOP doing his homework. Do YOURS. This is not about your love life or your social life, this is about your whole LIFE. For all of us, all we really have is ourselves. Whats going to happen here is that he is going to leave you eventually or this relationship will otherwise end. Good, fine - but that wont be the end of it for you. By accepting this type of treatment ...you get so used to it, you expect it, are comfortable with it. Because of that familiarity your next relationship will have some of the same attributes...and on and on it goes. He is NOT the love of your life, he is NOT the one. You just think that right now because you are in victim mode. Shake yourself of that and him and sooner than you can say WTF you will be OK. Link to post Share on other sites
PinkToes Posted October 14, 2009 Share Posted October 14, 2009 There is one thing I really want you to believe and take to heart: This is not your fault. His behavior has nothing to do with your behavior or your self worth. You are not to blame for anything he does or says. He is a coward, and he knows the only way you will stay with him is if he is able to convince you that you are worthless. As long as he can convince you that everything is your fault, he won't have to take any responsibility for his behavior. He blames you, which makes you feel inadequate, and causes you to do everything you can to keep peace. Until it happens the next time. It is a way of keeping you off base, keeping you on your toes, making you afraid to challenge him. It is a horrible cycle, but it is NOT your fault. You deserve to be treated with respect, and he is not doing that. Being alone can be a challenge, but it doesn't hurt. It doesn't sap your self-esteem or make you think less of yourself. When you are alone, every ounce of energy you put into looking after yourself comes back to you. It gives you confidence, it doesn't beat you down. None of this is your fault. You happened to fall in love with an abuser. That doesn't mean you deserve to be abused. And what he is doing is abusive. And the thing is, his behavior will probably get worse, over time. And the more he hurts you, the harder he'll have to try to convince you that YOU are at fault, and that you're worthless, and that no one else will ever want you. I know the idea of leaving is scary. But you are stronger than you know. You can break away, and you need to do it now, before the situation gets worse. You are not the reason he is acting this way. And what he is doing is just wrong. If you need to talk to someone, please call the hotline listed at the top of this forum. Abuse doesn't always show up in bruises and broken bones, so don't worry about not being taken seriously. They are there to help. Please take care. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blue_nymph Posted October 15, 2009 Author Share Posted October 15, 2009 Am I right in feeling that this is abuse? You hit the nail on the head in saying I might feel like it is my fault. I feel I must have so much wrong with me ( he said there is a lot wrong with me last night on fact ) that while a normal person could expect more, this is all I can expect. I just don't understand why someone would treat me this way and say that they love me. He doesn't seem to care about my well-being. I am made to stay up very late (7:30 am this morning) because he can sleep in and wanted to stay up. I am still very upset about having to wait to get attention while he had sex with someone else. I'm scared that I'll be alone, but I'm also scared of what's left of my life being ruined (he's had a devastating effect on me). I hate having my faults listed, my looks criticized (he says I should fix my stomach--and adds that I should be happy that he doesn't let looks dominate his relationships). I feel cruelly treated.... Are there any strings attached to the hotline? I would love to talk to someone, but I want to stay anonymous. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blue_nymph Posted October 15, 2009 Author Share Posted October 15, 2009 I found a suicide hotline as well. I have been thinking of suicide every day because of this stress, the criticism, the tearing me down, the fact that I am failing classes becuse of him, after having failed some already since I've been with him. My parents don't trust me, my dad criticizes me, I have no freedom and no friends....and my "boyfriend" chooses someone else over me... It is too much to bear. I will call the suicide hotline. Link to post Share on other sites
PinkToes Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 It is absolutely anonymous, and there are no strings attached. And yes, what you are experiencing is abuse. There are many, many women in your shoes, and the caring people on the hotline will understand. Sometimes those who are going through what you are are afraid they won't be taken seriously, or that what they're experiencing isn't really "abuse." It is. It comes out in different ways, but the common thread is that it's all about control. He thinks he has a right to treat you like this. He doesn't. No one does. And the more you stand up for yourself, the more he'll criticize you. It's a power game. And it's horribly cruel, because he knows you love him and that you care what he thinks. So he takes advantage of that, to feed his ego. He thinks that the more he can beat you down, the less likely you are to leave him. That isn't love. And you deserve to be loved. So please find a safe place where you can call the hotline, and tell them your story. They won't ask who you are or where you live, but they will help you sort out how to handle your situation and what you can do next. I know it's scary, and that you feel trapped right now. But your feeling that this isn't right is spot on. And even if you're feeling weak and beaten down, you are taking steps to find your way out, and that's significant. Trust that you can do this, because I know you can. You will be OK. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blue_nymph Posted October 15, 2009 Author Share Posted October 15, 2009 I found a suicide hotline as well. I have been thinking of suicide every day because of this stress, the criticism, the tearing me down, the fact that I am failing classes becuse of him, after having failed some already since I've been with him. My parents don't trust me, my dad criticizes me, I have no freedom and no friends....and my "boyfriend" chooses someone else over me... It is too much to bear. I will call the suicide hotline. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 We'll be here for support. You're not alone Link to post Share on other sites
luvflower Posted October 24, 2009 Share Posted October 24, 2009 has anyone heard from bluenymph lately...? things like that really concern me.she was discussing one minute then no posts from her since that day... Link to post Share on other sites
PinkToes Posted October 24, 2009 Share Posted October 24, 2009 Yeah, I'm a bit concerned as well. I hope she's OK. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted October 24, 2009 Share Posted October 24, 2009 She is probably too new to the board to have PMs yet, so if she hasn't posted, then she probably hasn't been heard from for a while. blue_nymph: my other thought is to seek out counseling services at your school. A lot of schools these days have some kind of health and counseling services available. I think you are starting to see how toxic this person is in your life, but you need some help to clarify that and build your strength to break through and take control. Getting some personalized help can build your confidence that (a) the garbage he is feeding you does not define who you are, (b) he is taking much, much more from your life than he is returning, and © you can be safe and comfortable and whole as an individual. without having to rely on somebody else to complete your life. Here's what I imagine when I read your story: I hear of a young woman who has the skills and energy to do her own work and that of someone else, while carrying an unfair emotional burden dumped on her by this other person. I imagine her bogged down further by sleep deprivation, again, all centering around this toxic person. Then I imagine what she could be: give her back hours of extra sleep and take away the time suck of doing his work for him, and most of all, lift away the poisonous emotional weight of this relationship, and give her the beginnings of confidence that she can be whole, and I imagine her spreading her wings and living freely, and starting down the road of really realizing her true potential, which I bet is substantial. Please believe us that you can be better, that you deserve better, that you can be a whole, strong person. This may take some exploration and work on your part, just like building any other skill, and it may require help from the outside, but it seems like you are reaching the most important first step: realizing that you are in a place right now that you want to move out of. You can. Take the next step: do not be afraid of seeking out help to start building these skills. Please let us know how things are going. Link to post Share on other sites
luvflower Posted October 25, 2009 Share Posted October 25, 2009 this is the downside of being anonymous. however,i think i read the policies saying something to the affect that, if the site notices posts that suggest someone potentially harming oneself or others, they will take appropriate measures. i hope this is true. everything here is traceable though, whether we want to believe it or not. watch the movie "untraceable" or just think about predators being caught. i hope she's ok though and that someone has a way of reaching her or insuring her safety. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blue_nymph Posted November 21, 2009 Author Share Posted November 21, 2009 I owe all of you an apology who posted here, for making you worry about me! I made a new post, not being able to find this one after a while (I was new to the board and I should have read how to use the forum better). I did not see some of the advice being offered here...and now I feel that a poster in my new thread had a point, that it is redundant for me to keep posting--I see what was meant now, more clearly. I wanted to let you all know that I'm alright, that I took PinkToes' advice and called the number last night, talked through everything, and am avoiding his calls and contact currently. I'm so...amazed that people care SO MUCH. Thank you all. I will let you know what happens. I am so grateful! Link to post Share on other sites
PinkToes Posted November 22, 2009 Share Posted November 22, 2009 That's awesome, good for you! Stay strong, and keep moving forward a little at a time. It's not an easy thing to do, to leave when you love someone, no matter how much you realize it's for the best. But you will be OK. You will be happy again. Just take things one day at a time, and know that your new-found strength is not going to sit well with him. Be prepared for him to react in some way; either with threats, or with promises. Know that no matter what he says, you are better off without him in your life. Keep the hotline number where you can find it, and don't hesitate to use it again. What you're doing now is another step in the process that so many others have taken before you, and they can help you through the rough spots. Take care. And congrats to you; you are a strong and brave woman. Please keep us posted. Link to post Share on other sites
exotichottie4evr Posted December 13, 2009 Share Posted December 13, 2009 i hope ur not still with him. What a piece of crap. U dont deserve that. I promise. I have learned that U cannot have self esteem by giving a man the power to make u feel good. OOO please leave him. I think someday you will back an laugh an be like"what was i thinking. Hes taking advantage of you. Sadly in the world we live in people just have no remorse for taking advantage of the kind an maybe too nice of people. You really wont loose anything getting rid of him. I am sure u might feel a lil lonely,,, but you really will benefit from dropping him. good luck girly:) Link to post Share on other sites
sugarmomma Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 People like him are soul suckers!! As soon as you see a person is deliberately hurtful, you have to protect yourself and get away from them. They have no conscience and don't care who they hurt. I just got away from one. He was nice one day and cold the next. Too inconsistent. Stay away from him!!! Love on you! You deserve happiness and peace and respect. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts