Did I just imagine everything?

[Butterfly1]

I posted here once before. I met this guy in March. He was on a "break" with his girlfriend. When I came back in town a few months later they had broken up and we started dating. He did tell me on the first date he didn't know if he would be ready to get into another serious relationship BUT would just go with the flow (and so did I) Things got very serious with us very fast. I felt like I had met my soulmate...honestly. He called me everyday, went away on weekends, he told me how refreshing I was to be with (compared to his ex) and how great I made him feel about himself, how beautiful he thought I was. We had everything in common from our professions, to hobbies, to beliefs and goals. After 4 months I returned to finish my grad school. We talked about long distance and he told me before i left that he wasn't good with it but he would try and we would see what happens. I leave and two weeks later I come back to see him. He is totally different and tells me that I can't stay with him (this came out of nowhere) We go out and he tells me that he is confused....doesn't know if he is ready to get involved more.....his ex girlfriend is contacting him and he remembers the strong feelings he HAD for her but doesn't want to get back together...he said he could see us together long term but got scared....etc". I was so hurt but thought we could figure it out. The next night we are suppose to go out and he stands me up (he got really drunk that day with his friends) and we get into a horrible fight. He calls me a few days later and apologizes and says we are no longer dating but wants to be friends on a voicemail.

 

I call him and I just agree that we are better off apart now so he can figure it all out. I came back another time to the area and we were suppose to ahve lunch and he stands me up again and then get into another horrible fight. He calls me again a few days later and says he knows he acted irrationally and doesn't have a good reason and thinks we should probably just stop talking for awhile. I agree although I am confused as to what happenned with us.

 

We don't talk for a few weeks and then I found out that I have HPV (which I got from him) and I email him to let him know. He calls me and we talk and agree to see each other when I get back the following week to talk about everything. I saw him last Monday and he was a total stranger to me. Totally uncomfortable around me, couldn't give me eye contact. He used to look at me so lovingly and there was nothing when I saw him. We are a cab on the way back and I tell him that I am okay with the HPV because he really meant a lot to me. He turns to me and tells me a story about a girl that he dated that broke up with him becuase she couldn't feel a connection or care about him so HE understands how I feel. I ask him "So you just don't care about me?" and he says "Only as a friend". we get out of the cab and he starts talking about the WHOLE break up again and tells me that he broke up with me becuase he couldn't see himself feel strongly about me. He admitted to hanging around his ex girlfriend again after we broke up and admitted to thinking about getting back together with her but realized that they weren't right either. He also added that she was just part of the reason why we broke up - it was really because he just couldn't care about me or feel a connection and doesn't know why???

 

Yes, I understand that sometimes feelings don't grow or sometimes they were never there but when I think about our time together he was always so serious about me and always seemed so happy with me. Was he just acting all along to care about me and was he lying whenhe told me about caring about me this summer? My friends and his friends would always comment about how happy we were and how they could see the sparks between us. And when I first got back and he told me that he got scared - were those just lines?

 

I know it is over with him but how can I avoid this situation in the future. How can I trust a guy and believe he cares when he says he does when it might all just be an act.

[sarah12]

I feel like you have just told my story!!

 

Honestly, I cannot believe it. I don't know how to post links but here is my story :

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t28893/

 

I am wondering all the same things as you. However, I have not spoken to the guy since we "broke up" for the second time in 1.5 months. We also had an amazing time together and he told me how beautiful I was and how much he wanted to spend time with me. Although in my case, he is over his ex, he just feels very guilty about dating someone new.

 

I also wonder if I just imagined the whole thing - I am literally still in disbelief even though we have gone through so many ups and downs about the whole thing. It's like when things were good, we were on such a high, and then when the ex situation came up, it all just went sour..there was never any in between, it was either we were together and very very happy, or we were broken up.

 

So how to avoid this situation? It is definitely a tough one. I mean, ideally, you would like to ask the person right off the bat if there is anything/anybody you should be concerned about, is he ready to start a relationship, etc, etc. But questions like that on the first date usually scare people off! So I think the best way is to just take things very slow..I mean it doesn't hurt..there is never any need to rush a relationship. Starting off with building a friendship is always best..

 

Anyhow, being the pathetic loser that I am, I am still holding onto hope....that in the future, when he is ready to date..we could be together again.

[Butterfly1]

I just read your story and there are a lot of similarities. When I talked to him last week he told me that he wasn't going to date anyone while he lived on the same apartment floor as his ex. He said he always felt uncomfortable when I was there that we would run into her. I know he felt extremely guilty about breaking up with her. I know that since we broke up, she comes by his apartment alot just to say hi - he says he has told her that there is no future for them and wants to move on.

 

I think the advice you got was really good. I do believe that time needs to pass so both parties get some distance and figure out what went wrong. I was actually okay with the breakup before i saw him becuase I thought they were issues that he needed to deal with and that maybe one day, when he had moved and I was back, we could reconcile. But seeing him last week and being told that his ex was only part of the reason and the real reason was that he didn't feel like he could care about me or felt a connection, came out of nowhere.

 

I would like to believe that he said that because maybe he sensed that I still wanted to work things out now and he needed to make it more clear that it wasn't going to work out....Or maybe when his ex started contacting him again he felt guilty about moving on and remembered the strong feelings he had for her. We only dated 4 months - how could I possible compare to the 1 1/2 years with her? -- And so thats why he said that. Or maybe he just got scared about being in another relationship and just convinced himself that I wasn't right when there never was any real reason.

 

Or maybe I am just deluding myself. the relationship was good for him but not great and I was just filling the void that she left behind...and that it ended when i stopped being convenient. I don't know.

 

I am sorry about your story...Although in your case, I think it just needs time. Don't contact him and I do believe that eventually you will hear from him. My ex before last week kept on telling me that the timing was all wrong for us. I don't know if he meant it or not but I think with yours it definately was.

 

Thank you again for replying.

[sarah12]

You know, I think that you are right about the guy maybe sensing that you wanted to work things out. Maybe I am being naive, but I don't honestly believe that a guy will tell a girl his feelings for her especially so early on, if he didn't truly mean it, at least to some degree. He cannot possibly go from one extreme to the other, where he says you are so beautiful, calls you everyday, and then tells you he can not care for you in that way.

 

While we were talking about breaking things off the second time, my guy told me that he was afraid of getting into a relationship because he was afraid it wouldn't work out, and he didn't want to hurt anyone ever again because he went through too much seeing the pain he put his ex through. He said it was the worst feeling in the world to hurt someone and he never wanted to see anyone hurt again. I suspect that a lot of men go through this and it just means that they are not ready yet to date again.

 

It really is scary how intimidating other people's long-term relationships can be. Although I say I want to be with this guy again sometime in the future, I think that it will take a lot of work, and I will always be afraid of getting hurt again..but..I mean..I guess everyone is right..time will tell..It is very hard ot not contact him though.. I really want to at least be friends....it was building up so well and I just miss it so much!

[sarah12]

I must say though, you don't seem to heart broken over all this? Could it be that your feelings for him were not as strong as you think, and you are just trying to sort everything out ?

[Butterfly1]

No, I have really strong feelings for him. I was and I just am so hurt about what he said to me last week. We were on the street and I was just pouring my heart out to him about how I thought we had something special and how strongly I had felt and he just tells me that he knows how I feel becuase of that girl he dated years ago that broke up with him becuase she just couldn't feel it. I know I have to move. I don't really have a choice here. I keep on hoping that he will wake up one day and realize how great we were but am now so afraid that as each day goes by he gets more convinced that we really weren't right for each other. He told me that at first he thought there was something there but later realized that there wasn't. How can things just change or he just change his feelings? We were compatible, I was undemanding or not pushy, there was chemistry (he admits to that) and we had a good time. Why would someone want to end that or say that he just didn't feel the connection if he had a good time and felt the chemistry and knows that I am a good person?

 

Like you, I am a pretty strong and independent person. I have never had a hard time meeting people or having people like me, its just very rare for me to develop strong feelings for someone else. I am so guarded and with him, I just let all those guards down. I keep thinking "what happened" and trying to think back on it and maybe I was just imaginging it.

 

I am really sorry about what happenned with you. Honestly, this guy just needs time to get over this. While it shows that he has a conscience that he feels guilty about her, he can't just wait for her to be okay before he dates again. I think your ex like my ex still has strong feelings for their exes...Not strong enough to bring them back together but strong enough so that they dont want to hurt them more. I think he just needs time and distance.

 

My advice to you and to myself is to NOT contact him. I realized that contacting him only pushes him farther away. Its been so hard for me. I miss his friendship as well. There is not an hour that passes where i don't think about him or want to call him. Something happens to me and I want to call him, I see something cute in a store and I want to buy it for him. And I wonder if he thinks about me or is he just busy trying to convince himself that he never really cared about me. I just don't know.

 

I am also very intimadated by his ex dating him so long and living so close. I know he thought at one time he was going to marry her but things were bad between them for a long time. But why am I even bringing her up now? he told me that she was only part of the reason and the real reason was me!

[sarah12]

I am beginning to see a lot of patterns here, but still cannot figure things out.

How can things just change or he just change his feelings? We were compatible, I was undemanding or not pushy, there was chemistry (he admits to that) and we had a good time. Why would someone want to end that or say that he just didn't feel the connection if he had a good time and felt the chemistry and knows that I am a good person?

 

This is definitely the #1 thing on my mind. How do you just change your feelings so suddenly? The only time I ever had this was when I fell out of love with my ex. It was a gradual process, but not as long as most people would take. However, I believe I was blinded by love at the time and didn't really SEE who my ex was..he was someone I couldn't see myself with in the future anymore because he was holding me back from a lot. So this is the only case I personally know of where you can change your mind/feelings so quickly...so I do believe that your ex does have feelings for you, but he is just scared.

 

I think that our guys are very similar and you and I are very similar. I was also not very demanding, we were always very compatible - never had a dull moment, and I always made things comfortable for him in that I always made sure things were okay with the ex situation, and that I didn't want to get in the way if there was something there. He said the one thing he knew for sure was that he didn't want to lose me, and also that he knew for sure he would never go back to her no matter what. Also, we are both independent and don't fall easily for guys - so why did this happen to us? I am convinced there must be some reason that has to do with our personality types, who we are, and who they are..

 

Do you ever feel like you want some answers from this guy? Like you want the honest truth? I think about this every day - that I want to just have it all out with him and get the truth. But like you said, it is best not to contact them..I feel very sad about it..especially since he is going away soon (in 13 days) for 4 months..I feel like if I don't ask for the answers now, I'll never have them, and this will bother me for ever! I am the type of person who analyzes everything inside and out until I know the reasons for everything.

 

Gosh when I read your post, I feel like you are me. I go in circles with my thoughts all the time and it drives me nuts!

[Butterfly1]

Before I saw him last week I thought about it daily - What happenned - I talked to my friends, girl friends and guy friends and tried reading books. I had come to the conclusion that I didn't think he could give me an answer becuase I don't think he knew what was going on. Just that he didn't want to be in a relationship (especially a long distance) I believed that the ex coming back in his life again, coupled with me moving several states away, coupled with the other stresses in his life, made him end it. I thought that guilt was part of the reason and also the memories of the breakup with her.

 

I was very confused how we could go from talking everyday and then all of a sudden I felt totally cut out of his life. That was an awful feeling for me. Yes, I knew he didn't feel like it was right to be in a relationship - but the friendship? When I saw him it all just hurt me too much to look at him and see that he didn't want to be there...that he no longer had those strong feelings I thought he had before I left. I am still hurt when I think about it....and then to hear that he realized that he just didn't think he could really develop strong feelings for me and didn't have a reason why - came out of nowhere.

 

Some friends have suggested that maybe I was just the rebound for him. He got serious with me becuase he was filling the void that she left behind and after a few months started comparing us and realized that I wasn't right for him. I know he is not going to get back with her. He told me that she was very high maintenance and demanding and liked being with me because I was so refreshing and fun and undemanding. I think thats what attracted both guys to us. You do sound like me to be a very independent confident person. One time his ex called while I was there and I didn't say anything. I didn't want to be that insecure called that gets upset (even though it bothered me) and wanted to respect the relationship they had.

 

I think the lessons learned from this are (1) ask about the relationship history (2) find out what they are looking for and keep each other on the same page and (3) honesty. He told me that he thinks he might have misled me and I wanted to ask misled me how? You called me all the time, acted so happy to see me, spent all your time with me....Yes, you did tell me that long distance was going to be hard for you and that you didn't know if you were ready to get into another serious relationship -- but where did "I just don't think we had a connection come from?"

 

I know I am rambling here. I think only time will tell what the future holds. 4 months a long time but hopefully your ex will get the prospective he needs and the confidence to move on from the past again. Honestly, in your case I have a lot more faith that there could be a happier ending. Its just so hard to lose a relationship you thought was so perfect and not really understand why.

 

In my past relationships ranging from 3 months to 2 years I always knew WHAT the problems were - If they werre incompatibilities, or wanting differeint things or chemistry...Even if I could not admit it, I knew the forces and the reasons of why we were better off on our separate ways. In this case, I just can't see how he didn't feel the connection (but felt the chemistry, the friendship, the attraction, the fun...etc)

[sarah12]

Do you think that time will change the way your ex feels? Do you think he'll come to realize who you are and how much you mean to him? I really hope so, but I am questioning this for myself as well. I mean, you are probably in as much disbelief as I am about the whole situation - it's like..they were the ones after us the whole time and then they turn things around 360 degrees!

 

He told me that he thinks he might have misled me and I wanted to ask misled me how? You called me all the time, acted so happy to see me, spent all your time with me....Yes, you did tell me that long distance was going to be hard for you and that you didn't know if you were ready to get into another serious relationship -- but where did "I just don't think we had a connection come from?"

Mine never told me he misled me but he did say: "i'm so happy to see you", "you are one of the most beautiful people i've ever met", "you're so smart", "i think about you all the time" - does this sound familiar???? Who says these things without actually thinking it first? At least that is what I would like to believe..that he actually did believe all those things and didn't just say it for no reason.

 

The "I just don't think we had a connection" comes from the fact that he is forcing himself to not have a connection with you. He probably seemed very distant last week when you saw him because he was making himself not attached to you. This is a very immature way of dealing with things, and I think he needs to do a little growing up before he can get into another relationship. I think that he is as confused as my guy about the past relationship, and has not yet sorted everything out. He needs to figure out what went wrong, and like my guy, probably still has a lot of influence from his ex, as much as he doesn't want to admit it or realize. Sometimes these things are subconscious when you have been with someone for a long time.

So it's not like they want to go back to their ex's..they just need time to separate what is now, and what was then. And in order to do that, they need this space apart in order to learn to love again and to love with an open heart. This is what I was told by other people. I hope that it is true and that the guys will come to realize..

 

I don't know if you want to go back to your ex if the opportunity came up, and I'm not sure I would to mine either..as tempting as it may be. It is just a lot of heartache I have gone through with all the ups and downs. It would take a lot of work to get back to where we were because I know I will always be insecure about getting hurt again, and he will always be worried about hurting me again.

I think the lessons learned from this are (1) ask about the relationship history (2) find out what they are looking for and keep each other on the same page and (3) honesty.

I would like to believe that people are honest - are we not? who would be so mean as to not be honest when they are in a relationship? Perhaps I have just always met honest guys and therefore never had to worry about that issue, at least until now. I would really like some other people's in put on this too - were the guys honest when they told us how much they cared? Like I said before, what kind of guy tells a girl his feelings for her and then retracts on them??????????????

 

Are you still keeping in contact with this ex, or are all the ties cut?

 

In the last couple of days, I thought I had convinced myself of the no contact thing but I don't know now. One or two friends have suggested that I call him before we both leave, just to wish him well and so that we can part knowing that we are okay, and on good terms, and at the very least, can be friends. But I'm really not sure about the idea..here are my points (yes, I am very analytical!):

If I call him:

- It would keep the communication open between us while he is away and things could possibly start up again after 4 months

- I know that he is scared of me right now because of the way things were left that day (I basically left him at my doorstep without saying good bye), and the no confidence thing, and therefore this way he will be assured that I am not a monster

 

If I don't call him:

-first of all, we did bump into each other on Monday and had a short conversation, so he should know from that that I am not a monster!

- we may never speak ever again but at least I wouldn't be the one after him again

- we may not speak for the next four months and then bump into each other when he comes back, and things may or may not start up again

- he knows that it is my birthday a couple of days before we both leave, so perhaps he will call then?

 

Also, if I do decide to call, I don't know when I should do it. We are both in the middle of exams right now and he isn't finished until the day before we both leave (13th).

 

Ah..such dilemnas..I must say though, it is nice to know that I am not the only one out here going through this..I really appreciate just knowing that you are out there and that I can ramble on here about all my confused thoughts/feelings!!!

[Butterfly1]

Thank you for what you just said. That does make some sense to me as to why this all happenned. My ex told me when we were dating how beautiful and great I was and when I saw him last week he told me again that he still thinks I am beautiful and wants to keep the "friendship". Funny, when I had talked to him 3 weeks before that he was saying how he didn't know what would happen with us down the road (if we would date again) and then ..all changes. I hope you are right but regardless, I need to move on.

 

I told him that I would let him know how my coloscopy (sp) went next week and then I was moving on. I think after that I am going to try to not contact him....maybe send an email every couple of months until I move back but really focus on moving on.

 

If you don't hear from your guy on your birthday, then I would call him before he leaves. I mean you have nothing to lose from this. He is leaving so he is not going to think that you are chasing him or anything. He probably feels guilty over everything that has happenned. Maybe he hasn't contacted you so far becuase he knows he doesnt want to confuse you. It STILL makes no sense to me how he (and my ex) could move on with us and then a few months later, realize that they just are not ready to. Maybe as time passed they got over the anger or the friction they had with their exes and now they feel the guilt of hurting someone (?) I dont know. I just think you will wonder what could have been said if you did make the call. I know I would but would wait to see if he calls you on your birthday.

 

I have finals for my school as well next week. I am guessing that your ex isgoing on study abroad? I think that would be the best possible thing to happen now. He will be getting the distance from this situation, his ex can learn to move on and let go and you too can move on yourself. With both situations, if its meant to be, it WILL work out in the end.

 

I think your guy has given you EVERy indication that you too would be a good much. I just can't stress the timing with this. Thank you again for your posts. Glad I met you here and was able to learn that I am not the only one dealing with a guy who is still dealing with the loss of his ex (that he broke up with)

[sarah12]

Glad I met you here and was able to learn that I am not the only one dealing with a guy who is still dealing with the loss of his ex (that he broke up with)

 

The last part there really made me laugh! "dealing with the loss of his ex (that he broke up with)"..hahaha. It is so true. I am glad that I can kind of laugh at the situation now and that when our friends joke about our brief "relationship" in which we broke up TWICE, I can laugh with them.

 

I have felt a lot better since reading all your replies and knowing that you feel the same way - and therefore I guess reassures me that I am not a complete idiot?!

 

I agree with your idea about holding off till my birthday. I will have one day to spare after my birthday to call him and wish him well. (I seem to have convinced myself that I will honestly be hurt if he doesn't call on my birthday and will never want to speak to him again!).

 

The guy is actually going to work in another country for next term. We have an internship type of program at our school. I think it will be good too. Time away will be good, although I will miss him terribly, even though there really is not much difference from how things are now when he is a 5 minute walk away!

 

I don't know if I believe in fate anymore - what you said about the "meant to be" thing. I think the reason is that I really believe that I will never find someone that I can truly settle down with and am really afraid of long term committment (as in marriage).

[Butterfly1]

I think people don't realize the importance of timing in a relationship...in all relationships. Honestly, timing sounds to have played a critical role with the end of yours. I just think that if it was just timing that ended things (and his own issues of the past) then hopefully, down the road, he will realize that and come back. Unfortunatley thought there are no guarantees.

 

 

I don't know if I believe in fate. When I met my ex, I thought it was fate but now I just feel so insignificant in his life after everything that has happenned. I still believe that if you can open youself up to love and want to love, then hopefully you will meet someone who can feel the same. Although, times like these, I feel like I will never meet anyone. I am incredibly picky when it comes to who I date and feel like its so rare when I do meet someone that I connect with...I guess I just automatically assumed that on his end it would last.

 

I don't blame you for being hurt if he doesn't call you on your birthday. If he definately remembers its your birthday, then he should call. Although it sounds like he will. There would be no reason to unless he maybe he is holding back on you because he is still figuring things out himself. I don't know. Regardless, I will keep my fingers crossed that he does. I am calling my ex next Wedensday to give him the low down of my coloscopy and thats it. Part of me wants to tell him my new conclusions that he was the one who chose not to feel the connection and withdrew and not that it wasn't there. But I don't know if I would just come across like a girl who just cannot let go and cannot accept the fact that it might just be me. Once again, I am rambling here....

[sarah12]

I am calling my ex next Wedensday to give him the low down of my coloscopy and thats it. Part of me wants to tell him my new conclusions that he was the one who chose not to feel the connection and withdrew and not that it wasn't there. But I don't know if I would just come across like a girl who just cannot let go and cannot accept the fact that it might just be me. Once again, I am rambling here....

 

I understand how you feel about wanting to have the last word on this issue..I am torn on this too. The safest way to go would be to not mention it unless you plan on having a talk about it again. But maybe you could mention it and say something like "listen, I thought about things since the last time we talked, and just wanted to let you know that I understand you have a lot to deal with right now with your feelings, but it really hurt me when you said that you never had any "connection" with me because this wasn't how you felt just a few weeks ago. Maybe you have forced yourself out of those feelings, but I don't believe that you never had them in the first place. I can't speak for you, but I just needed to let you know. I deserve to know the truth from you at the very least, with all that you've put me through. I am not trying to get back together with you because it's not what I would want right now, but I just wanted to clarify that issue." (or something along those lines..)

 

What is a coloscopy? Are you okay?

 

Also, I don't mind the rambling...I ramble all the time.

[Butterfly1]

I went for my annual checkup at the gyncologist a few weeks ago and it turns out that I have HPV. I havent been with that many guys and when we slept together did not use a condom (I am on the pill) HPV is an STD - it hasn't had any physical symptons for me and I was told its common - its just a virus that could lead to cervical cancer 20 years from now. During the coloscopy they just look at my cervix and see the extent or reaction of the HPV. I told him I would let him know how it goes so he could know the extent -- but I found out that it will only show my reaction to it - the virus is all the same. Sorry for being so technical.

 

I am still deciding whether to say something. I think I would like to. I'd like to bring up the girl that broke up with him a few years ago who didn't feel it and say that she probably NEVER felt it - or say that why he might have been acting this way and how I know he knows there was something.....but one of my friends said that he won't listen to me...that it will be something he would have to figure out on his own down the road.

[sarah12]

If you feel that saying something will make you feel better, and you said you don't plan on talking to him after wednesday anyways, then you should say it. Bring up whatever you feel, just make sure you are prepared for whatever he has to say in return. Have no expectations, except that you will feel better having thought through everything now and are ready to tell him your feelings about this whole thing. It's true that he will have to realize it on his on at some point in time, but it will give him something to think about too.

 

For example, after break up #1 with my guy, he told me that he realized what I said was right. That it wouldn't help his ex get over him if we were NOT together, because she does need to see that it is over between him and her.

 

I don't know how perceptive/self-aware your ex is, but this guy was really "clueless" so to speak. He didn't have common sense about these things and is therefore unable to rationalize situations sometimes. So even when I brought up a point like that, something that would seem so basic to most people, he took it as if was some huge revelation! So if your guy is anything like this, he will think about what you said and it will probably help him get through his confusion. You'd be surprised at how much an influence your words can have on him. I also told this guy after break up #1 that he should only call me if he has something good to say, otherwise don't bother. Well he really took that to heart and was afraid to call me.

 

I am really curious about how similar you and I are. You mentioned that you find it hard to really be compatible with someone, and I too find the same thing. I have dated many guys, different types of guys, and I have only been compatible with 2 before this most recent one. However, one was not going anywhere in the life, and the other was holding me back from going anywhere in life. I do get asked out by guys a lot and have had several friends tell me they had feelings for me, but I just could not feel the same. I feel like there are so few people out there who are so right for me as this most recent guy was. It is strange how connection works in that you either have it, or you don't, and there's no in between. So when you meet someone, you either feel it or you don't, and with me, most of the time, I don't, I just don't!

 

I am sorry about the HPV. I wish you the best on your coloscopy.

[sarah12]

One more thing I wanted to mention.

 

When people break up, and one wants the other person back, they sometimes think that it is because they want what they can't have. I thought about this too in my case, but I am not sure if this is the case. I have been broken up with before, but never hurt this much. So I know that I do like him and do want to work things out again at some point in the future, but I am not sure if part of me feels like I have failed and want what I can't have.

 

I must say that all my life, I have been a lucky person, and I work very hard. For the most part, a lot of people tell me I have it all, anything that I want. I know that there is a lot more that I want in life, I am still young, but I am wondering if because I have always been able to have what I want - i.e. jobs, marks in school to get where I want to be, good friends,etc. - that maybe I feel like I have failed this time and was not able to have things my way, or to be with who I wanted to be with, even though I could do nothing about it?

 

Just a thought..

[Butterfly1]

My friends tell me that I am too picky but I can't help it. I can count on one hand how many guys I have dated in my life that I truely felt like something was there. I think thats part of the reason why I am so crushed. With this guy, I never felt such a stronger connection. I actually met him out one night. I saw him from afar and I just started falling for him there (yes, that was the physical part) And when we started talking, everything he said and everything he has done, was like he was reading from my mind. We had the same goals, had done similar things in our lives, liked the same music, books, had the same values, goals, religion, political views, sports...etc. I have never in my life met someone out (actually at a club!) but I felt like I knew him for years after one night. And its funny, becuase we both are not the club type people - both of us ended up there by accident. I thought it was fate. He told me when we were breaking up that the weekend he spent away with me was the best weekend he ever spent away with anyone -- how could he say he doesn't feel a connection?

 

Oh, what does it matter. I do think he is a little dense. I don't think guys as much as girls understand exactly what they are feeling all the time. I think I am going to say something but I have to say it in a way that doesn't seem like i am arguing for him to change his mind or that I am still hurt about it . I mean I am hurt about it but he can't know to what extent.

 

Thanks about the exam I am getting next week. I do dread it.

[Butterfly1]

Sarah12. I wrote down what I want to say to him. I don't know if i should say this to him in person or just in an email. I don't know if i really even want to hear what he has to say as I am mostly doing this for myself and so he knows how I feel about everything.

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I just want to share with you my final thoughts regarding everything. I was actually done thinking about it until you brought it up a few weeks ago when you explained to me that you couldn’t really care about me and now I just think I will feel better if I just say it out

 

1. I did not appreciate being compared to the girl you dated 4 years ago from UVA. When she said that she didn’t have a reasonfor why she could not feel it, she probably did and was not going to tell you as it might have offended you. Girls/Women either feel a connection with someone or they don’t. If they really feel one, they don’t end it after a few months and they don’t “think” there was one and later realize there wasn’t one. Some will date guys anyway if there is not one hoping it will come down the road, but when it doesn’t or if they meet someone else, or if that person gets too needy, they break up with that person. You never heard from her again because she either met someone else or was a little hesitant that you might pursue her again. I doubt she broke up with you out of nowhere and I doubt you really felt misled or led on by her.

 

2. I will never understand how you could seem to really care or have feelings when you did not (as you admitted to me) I was under the assumption that you cared a lot when you called everyday and spent most of your time with me. I only slept with you because I believed and I felt at the time, that you had strong feelings for me. I have never felt so taken advantage of before. I am usually pretty good at seeing through people.

 

3. Perhaps there was a connection and you just chose not to have one with me because you didn’t want to have one. Perhaps you stood me up both times and couldn’t see me was because you didn’t want to feel connected or tied and by avoiding you could break that tie. Maybe you felt guilty when you started talking to your ex-girlfriend about moving on when you had said you weren’t ready to be in a relationship, and remembered the feelings you had for her and realized that they were so much stronger then you had for me (but you only knew me 4 months) and pulled away. Maybe you just need time on your own to figure out what happened before or get over everything since you obviously haven’t. You can say you are over her but I can tell you that you are not if you are still worried about how she will feel if she sees you with someone else. I can also tell you that your actions since I have known you have not been rational all the time so I cannot believe that your feelings/emotions are as well – I don’t think you can tell me a reason because I don’t think you have even figured that out.

 

4. My mistake was talking to you again after the first time you stood me up. I wish communication lines had been more open on you not being ready to see me. I wish that you could have sat me down and broken up with me in person and not on a voice mail after standing me up. I just wanted some closure when I asked you to see me, I don’t want to date you as I still have not gotten over the level of respect you have given me (or not given me) in the past and based off your previous behavior these past few months. I actually felt sorry for you and I should not have.

 

That’s all I have to say. Good luck to you in the future.

[sarah12]

That is a really powerful letter! You come off as very strong in it, but also like you are telling him off. I don't know which you wanted to show.

 

I don't know if you should mention the first point other than tell him that you didn't want to be compared to that situation or that he understands how you feel because the situation is different - you don't just end something like what we had after 4 months. Yu figure out that connection sooner, not later.

 

The point about sleeping with him is definitely a good one. I don't know if you read in my post but yes, I was ready to sleep with the guy too but he stopped and said we shouldn't. However, we had already done everythin but sex, and THEN he tells me he is confused. Who does that!! How do you go that far with someone and lead them on that far and then tell them you aren't ready! SO yes, definitely mention the point about feeling taken advantage of. If he did not have those feelings, why would he sleep with you. He should know your morals about only giving yourself to those you truly care for, and he should have the decency to respect that.

 

You should mention that you made the mistake of forgiving him when he stood you up. Tell him that you wanted to be understanding about the ex, and given any other girl, they probably wouldn't accept it and would have left right then and there. Tell him that if he had any doubt in his mind about the ex, he should not have started anything in the first place, or should have brought up concerns with you.

 

Wow, I can really tell that this guy isn't very mature about handling big issues. He is a coward and takes the easy way out. If he was a real gentleman, he would not have stood you up and he would definitely not break up with you over voice mail. How old is this guy?!

[Butterfly1]

28. We are both 28 and no, I have never met anyone who has turned out to be more immature in how they deal with relationships. Two weeks after I left for school when I came back he asked me to NOT stay with him becuase "he was confused". I went out with him the night I came into town and we talk about what was going on with him, with his ex. We were going to spend the rest of the weekend "figuring it out". The next night we were suppose to go out and he stood me up. He had gone to some horse race during the day and got very drunk. When I finally got through to him we got into a terrible fight (he was a mess) and he hung up the phone on me. Three days days later he calls me and leaves a message that said "I guess we are going down that road where we are not really dating anymore".

 

I brought up the sex thing with him before. He knew that it means a lot to me and that I have never "slept around". It was 6-7 weeks into our relationship and he took me away to the Cape and told me that he "really cared about me". Everything about the night seemed perfect and we slept together that night. He tells me now that he "thought he could really care about me" and "thought something was there" but later realized that there wasn't. NEVER has that happenned with me or to any of my friends. He had even met my mom and my sisters and the followwing weekend wanted to come out to my parents home. How can you act that way if you don't feel it or if you did, how does it just GO AWAY when there were no problems, issues...etc.

 

At least your ex gave you that respect and stopped before it got too serious. This guy sounds A LOT more mature then mine. You know I will never understand how someone can move on with someone else if they are not over the person before. What were or what are they thinking?? But now, of course, he tells me that our breakup only had "a little" to do with her and mostly to do with him "not feeling it" and does not have a reason.

 

Yes, I know that email was a tell off as well as getting across my message. I just don't want him to think that he can just walk over me like that and that I am okay with that...because I am not. Maybe I will take out the whole part onthe UVA girll but I just wanted him to know that people either feel it or they don't. Part of me wants to keep the door open for the chance of him missing me and coming back but the other half just wants to slam that door and tell him off.

[sarah12]

28?!

 

It makes me sad reading all these threads on here about relationship problems because most of you are older than I am, and I had hoped that by this time, people would be able to deal with relationships maturely and there wouldn't be so many problems.

 

Maybe I should also write a letter/e-mail. I may not send it but it'll make me feel better. I'm not sure if I want to call him anymore if he doesn't call.. And I have a feeling he won't call.

 

Today was not a good day. It took me all morning and half the afternoon to get out of bed!!

[misunderstood]

I am in a similar situation in that my girl who was crazy about me broke up with me cause she thought I didn't need anybody, I didn't make her feel secure..

 

...but Ive gone through some things lately that have changed my perspective..

 

lost my job (and happy to say I have lined something up for the new year)...

 

was in a motorcycle accident in which my twin brother broke his tibula/fibula in his leg and had to have surgery..ive been trying my best to take care of him...

 

lost my girl who was also my best friend (aside from my brother)...

 

alll this in one month...

 

So going through all this I am growing as a person and and learning from my mistakes and am better off for it and...

 

I think my ex and I could take our relationship to the next level.. I put myself in my ex' shooes and told her i had forgiven her for giving up on us..she has so many good qualities that I admire..

 

I don't know if she has forgiven me for not giving her that security she sought (although I was always there for her when she needed me as a friend)..

and for some of the ways I mistreated her because I was lost in some ways..discovering myself at the same time...

 

all I can say to you two is that do what is in your heart, forgive yourself and your ex if u can find it in your heart...but don't forget. and give as much as you can because you dont want to cheat yourself..

 

and realize that you can't fully understand all the complexities and baggage that someone carries from their previous relationship...

 

its cliche but if it was meant to be than....

 

First snow of the season..its really pretty here...

[Butterfly1]

I was doing okay when I thought it was the baggage of this past relationship that he hadn't dealt with or if he just wasn't ready to get into another serious relationship - I can understand that. BUt he told me that what he said before wasn' true and he broke up with me because he "didn't feel it", "didn't think he could love me"...... That is what I can't understand and why i am so hurt now becuase I thought he really cared about me when we were dating and I thought everything was perfect when obviously it wasn't and i took things slow too.

 

Regarding your situation, it should not be your responsibility to make someone feel secure. They need to do that on their own or they will never find someone who will ever make them happy. If you are sorry and recongize you mistakes from the past then I dont know why she could not give you another chance if her heart was there. Sorry about whats happenned to you over the past month...hopefully the new year will bring us a little bit more sunshine in our lives.

[misunderstood]

Butterfly,

 

I feel for you..he does not measure up..at least you know now...feel better soon!

 

and thanks for your comments on my situation..I know security comes from within..thats what I've been trying to show her without saying it to her in so many words..

[sarah12]

So I just wrote a 5 page letter to the guy explaining everything and letting him know how I feel about him and us and what happened. I just feel like I needed to get it all out. There is a lot of bitterness in it, but also a lot of good, I think. I told him that I wanted to still keep in touch, if he wants to (which I think he would since he was upset that I didn't want to initially..)

 

I just don't know if I should send it and if I do , if I should e-mail it or write it out in a letter and give it to him? Or should I just forget it and call him? Or just do nothing at all? I really don't know.