cypresa Posted October 14, 2009 Share Posted October 14, 2009 He couldn't commit so we split up. 3 year relationship that was really amazing. we're both in our 30's. I wanted more commitment (living together) he couldn't do it and we split up amicably. He said he would have been happy for the relationship to carry on as is. We've been NC for months, then sporadic LC instigated by him. Then i requested NC again which he was sad about, said he missed me and wanted to meet up when i was ready. Cut to 2 months ahead. I text him asking how he was and asked him if wanted to catch-up. He immediately said yes and said how about lunch? Was soooo scared. But went and had amazing lunch - we couldn't stop laughing and he was telling me all his stories and asking me about my work and family etc. We didn't even touch the food we ordered! had a big hug goodbye. But no mention of 'us' at all. Which I'm kinda glad about. So he has been emailing me lots and me emailing back since. And when i say lots - twice a day. All just friendly banter - sharing links to work we've done whilst apart (we're in the film industry). but what do i do? do i email back? how long do i wait in between emails? Do i play it 'cool'? He has not mentioned once that he wants to meet up again.... and that is quite upsetting. Do i just assume that all he wants is friendship?? i don't even email my friends that much though! any advice so welcome. xx ps: oh and i know he hasn't met anyone yet. Link to post Share on other sites
getbackwithex Posted October 14, 2009 Share Posted October 14, 2009 Do you want him back? I think you simply need to let it unfold naturally and don't try to analyze all of it too much. If you guys are speaking that much via email, then there is no reason you can't call him up and ask him out for another lunch or drinks, but maybe do it with a bunch of friends so it doesn't come off as being a date. No matter what, DO NOT PUT YOUR LIFE ON HOLD FOR HIM!! Continue to go out and meet new people, go on dates, hang with your friends. Whatever you do keep it casual and don't try to force a connection. If he doesn't have a girlfriend he might simply be lonely and is looking for comfort in you. Don't give up your heart to him until you know what his intentions are, which you will learn with time. Just be a friend and don't start thinking about the past, or what ifs. Live in the present and let the future work itself out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cypresa Posted October 14, 2009 Author Share Posted October 14, 2009 Thanks for your brilliant advice! I do want him back. But, being truthful - i guess only if he can see himself commiting to me in a long term sense. i don't think i could get back with him just as a fling. it's not really like that anyway. so i am going to carry on with my life, right? Which i am really enjoying by the way. Am busy, have lots of friends. etc etc. Am actually quite happy at the moment. Haven't felt like this for awhile. but am i ok emailing back? keeping up the contact - or should i stop or slow it all down? Link to post Share on other sites
seoa Posted October 14, 2009 Share Posted October 14, 2009 (edited) He was happy with how things were - he'd be happy for them to resume on the same basis I guess...? So I would say that you are risking slipping back into things (unchanged level of commitment) by allowing this much email... You say you would not be OK with that... There is no 'should' while you are not clear about what you want... * If what you want is for him to want you back plus be willing to move in together - then I'm not quite sure how frequent emails will achieve that... At least, a short burst of "remember how good things were" won't have hurt, and will possibly have helped, but just pull back slightly (take 50% longer to reply to his last message than he took to reply to yours - time it!) and see if he also slows down, or if he tries to speed things up... Edit: when I say "not clear" - I mean your actions don't feel clear, not what you've said in the previous post... Edited October 14, 2009 by seoa Link to post Share on other sites
getbackwithex Posted October 14, 2009 Share Posted October 14, 2009 Think about this.....if things start to go well being friends, no 'us' talk, etc. and all of a sudden he starts seeing someone else would you be able to handle that? Would you be able to hear him talk about another woman or give him advice as a true friend? I am in a similar situation with a girl I love and want back. I broke it off because of work, realized I wanted her back after 6 months, she said no of course, but since then we have talked on a few occasions. I thought that being friends would lead to something more, but it didn't and only caused me more pain and now she is dating someone new. My point is that you cannot be friends when there are still feelings, or thoughts of getting back together. I know that one day after months of NC with her I will be able to completely heal and move on. She is a great girl and I will one day reach out to her again and hopefully we can become friends. I would agree with seoa....back off, slow down, and really think about where you are in your life. If you are happy the most important thing is to keep it that way. If you can handle just being friends and nothing more, then there is no reason you can't keep in touch, but make sure you don't have any expectations because you might be setting yourself up for more heartache. I wish you the best! Link to post Share on other sites
Author cypresa Posted October 14, 2009 Author Share Posted October 14, 2009 i think you're right both of you... am setting myself up for heartache. Because as much as i will try and deny that it's only friends - i secretly want him to turn around and tell me it was a horrible mistake. i'm going to take your advice Seoa and slow it down a little. i'm not going to ask him out at all. i figure that should be his next move if he wants to go down that path. if not i guess me slowing things down will slow him down until there is very infrequent contact. and then of course it will be obvious that it was always just friendly contact he wanted... ah well - guess it's good to face it now then a few months down the line.... xx Link to post Share on other sites
mmk1 Posted October 14, 2009 Share Posted October 14, 2009 This is why this is so tough. I thought I could be friends with my ex but could not as I still had feelings for her. After being friends for the past three months the feelings where still there although all she wanted was friends. Point is, if you have feelings for him, it is likely not going to work. My ex was incredibly pissed when I told her that I could not just be friends and we needed to either date again or go our seperate ways. If you feel something, I think its best to be upfront as soon as possible or your ex will think you're fine with being just friends and act shocked and betrayed if you later tell them you want more than friends. I wish you the best! Link to post Share on other sites
Author cypresa Posted October 15, 2009 Author Share Posted October 15, 2009 i woke up this morning thinking about him. And i haven't done that in a few months! it feels like i've set myself back. But i guess you can't have reconciliation if you're not speaking to each other. That's why i've been in communication with him. just in case there might be a chance. would he come right out and say he wants me back - or do you think it would start with friendly banter first? and how long should i wait??? awful to admit but he emailled me yesterday, i replied and i haven't heard anything since and i am little upset! I really need to chill out. Link to post Share on other sites
seoa Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 I think your situation is possibly a little different from the standard 'he'll only want friends'... From what you said, he didn't want the breakup, if you would have let the commitment thing alone... So he'd probably be up for a reconciliation on those terms...? Depends how much he's moved on since the split (how long has it been?). I agree that LC is better than NC if you're hoping for a reconciliation - but you do need to be careful not to get back into filling the emotional space that a gf would, without any of the benefits... If this was a new guy, with none of your history, and you were doing the 'flirting with a hope to being asked out' thing, how would you be playing it...? If a new guy had shown no interest in asking you out after a lunch and x weeks of frequent emails, what would be your strategy (it's different for different people)... Would doing that work for you, in this case...? Link to post Share on other sites
seoa Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 and... realistically, does he know that you would still be open to a reconciliation, on your commitment-terms...? At some point, you will have to take the risk of being vulnerable - to make sure that things are clear, and with the possibility that you will lose the current contact... Otherwise you will always wonder... And you'll know when you get to the point where not knowing is worse than keeping in touch... Link to post Share on other sites
Author cypresa Posted October 15, 2009 Author Share Posted October 15, 2009 you've just voiced my fears. Perhaps he doesn't know how I really feel? we split up in May. I was really pushing for us living together . I thought our relationship should move forward and if he didn't want to, or couldn't contimplate it without feeling anxiety, then that meant he didn't see us as long term and I wanted to be free to be with someone who wanted that with me. Maybe not great in hindsight - to pressure someone - but it's how i felt at the time. i felt that I needed more commitment. And i felt if he couldn't do it - he didn't love me enough. (which of course could be true!) He just couldn't take that step so suggested that we break up. I agreed, told i thought it was for the best if he couldn't face living with me. no tears. no arguments. but i sent him a letter 2 weeks later - telling him that what i thought we had was special but i understand that maybe we want different things in life. So i do think he knows how i feel and what i want. I made it clear when we split that i still loved him. Although it has now been 5 months. we met for lunch last thursday so we've been emailing all week - so i guess not that long! but if this was someone new who i fancied - the amount of emails would be perfect if a little too keen! haha. But i would have expected him to have at least suggest meeting up again. My stratedgy would be to play a little ellusive! not in a mean way of course.... just in a i'm very busy kinda way.... Link to post Share on other sites
seoa Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 we met for lunch last thursday so we've been emailing all week - so i guess not that long! but if this was someone new who i fancied - the amount of emails would be perfect if a little too keen! haha. But i would have expected him to have at least suggest meeting up again. My stratedgy would be to play a little ellusive! not in a mean way of course.... just in a i'm very busy kinda way.... Ha ha - one week...? Really...? I think you can afford to chill out a little, see where this goes - maybe follow your own advice about getting a little busy... Find some genuine things to distract you a little, so this isn't the main & insane focus of your life... Obviously we can't comment on here about whether you were right to hold out for commitment, or whether you were too pushy & needy (coz we're only getting your side of the story ) but presumably you've thought about it a lot since then, and now have your new bare-minimum requirements clearly listed in your head...? Are they still the same, or would you be willing to negotiate with him some...? Link to post Share on other sites
Author cypresa Posted October 15, 2009 Author Share Posted October 15, 2009 honestly i don't know. All i have figured out, is that perhaps i was looking for an indication of his love for me more than the actual living together bit. So maybe there is some part of me that wonders why i pushed so much when everything was going well as it was. An insecurity perhaps. i kept on thinking, why were my friend's boyfriends proposing and here was my boyfriend anxious about any kind of commitment?!? What was wrong with me? Love should be apparent and freely given, not fought for, right? i wanted him to think of me in his future, whatever that is. That it was 'our' future. A team to stick together in happy times and hard times. I know deep down that i can't be in a serious relationship with him, or anyone, unless there is an indication that they are excited about sharing a life with me. I guess that is my deal-breaker, rather than the just living together bit. I realised that i wanted him and no one else in my future. I guess i wanted him to feel the same. I will chill Seoa....it's funny how I get all caught up in it very quickly! I need to go with the flow a little bit more. I'm pitching on an exciting job - so that will definitely take my mind off things! In any case you can't push these things can you? No one can be coerced into loving again... Link to post Share on other sites
Logik Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 Sounds like he has you just where he wants you. He wants to be friends with you because he needs to know that if he does want to commit one day, you'll be there. I might be wrong, but that's how it seems to me. Do you want to do this? From what you're saying, I assume your answer is NO. You sound like an all-or-nothing kind of a person. He should be the one to make contact. If he really wants to be with you in a committed relationship, he will chase it. Be hard-to-get. Don't continually send texts back and be there when he wants you to. Answer him in your own time. Don't try to justify his lack of commitment to you in the past, just so you can feel that your relationship was something that it wasn't. He couldn't give you the commitment you needed and that's what it was, nothing else. You don't want to go back to what you had, look where that ended up. He needs to show you that he's ready to commit. You don't want to be in the same position again, 3 years from now. So, I would say that until he's willing to commit, move him to the back of your mind and live your life. Link to post Share on other sites
BCCA Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 But no mention of 'us' at all. Which I'm kinda glad about I think youre only glad because he didnt say 'no way'. I cant imagine you would be dissapointed if he wanted to try again. but what do i do? do i email back? how long do i wait in between emails? Do i play it 'cool'? He has not mentioned once that he wants to meet up again.... and that is quite upsetting. Youre overanalyzing a bit. Listen, playing it cool or waiting to respond isnt going to change his interest level. He either wants to make it work or he doesnt. Since he hasnt modified his position since last time, you need to assume he feels the same way, and the commitment you seek is not on his agenda. Do i just assume that all he wants is friendship?? I would, unless he says differently. He's not asking you out, bringing you flowers, or saying he wants to make it work again. You had lunch and exchanged some emails (please, PLEASE make sure these emails dont get x-rated) I realised that i wanted him and no one else in my future. I guess i wanted him to feel the same. We've all been there. The lonliest place on earth is sitting next to someone you love with all your heart, who doesnt feel the same way. All you can do is walk, though. Stop contacting him all together, and ask yourself why hes contacting you before responding. I'll be honest, it doesnt sound like he wants to get back together, and I havent heard anything that makes me think his stance on commitment has changed. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 We didn't even touch the food we ordered! its a shame all that food went to waste Link to post Share on other sites
Author cypresa Posted October 15, 2009 Author Share Posted October 15, 2009 Ha! that made me laugh. I know! and normally i love my food... he told me that he had to go out and get something to eat at 4pm! I think BCCA is right. He has done nothing to let me know that he still sees something in us. So why hope for something that is blatently not being asked for? I think he would have tried to organise a drink or another lunch or something like that if he entertained thoughts of wanting me back. From laughing to being slightly sad. i wish i was one of those on this board who had a positive story to share with you all.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author cypresa Posted October 16, 2009 Author Share Posted October 16, 2009 Arrrrrrrh. I cannot believe i got my hopes up!!!! No email replies just silence. I should have known. I hate myself for getting excited about the prospect of getting back together... He obviously just doesn't see me like that any more. I guess he was just happy to see me happy. Link to post Share on other sites
Logik Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 You don't know what he's thinking, so try not to analyze what he's doing. Be patient and go with the flow. Remember that you said there was no relationship talk and you were glad about that. You enjoyed yourself so much you didn't eat. Leave it at that. You had fun together, that's all. Now don't sit around waiting for him to call or contact you. If he did have fun and enjoyed himself, he will eventually call you. Just carry on living. Don't get any hopes up or dwell on what he MIGHT be doing. Let things happen naturally. Link to post Share on other sites
seoa Posted October 17, 2009 Share Posted October 17, 2009 Arrrrrrrh. I cannot believe i got my hopes up!!!! No email replies just silence. I should have known. I hate myself for getting excited about the prospect of getting back together... He obviously just doesn't see me like that any more. I guess he was just happy to see me happy. Either give up completely, or take the long view - think of this stage in terms of 6-8 weeks (for example)... You were together for x years, you have been split up for y months, and NC for z months of that (I'm being lazy, can't be bothered to check the facts ), so it's not that long in comparison... Stop thinking in terms of day-by-day, because you *will* drive yourself crazy... Friday 28 November is 6 weeks from today... How would you feel if I said that you & he wouldn't get back together until then... Would it put the next few weeks into a different perspective (slow foundation laying)...? Of course, there's a reasonable risk that you *won't* get back together, but if you want to give it a try, you have to do it in a way that makes you not-crazy... I'm doing it myself - it makes the periods of silence easier to bear when you just keep repeating "November, November, November"... Link to post Share on other sites
Author cypresa Posted October 20, 2009 Author Share Posted October 20, 2009 no email. no call. no text. Since last wednesday. No getting back together story. i think i have now realised that if he had any thoughts about me and wanting to be with me, he would have been back in contact. So he is treating me like a friend, nothing more. I hate myself for getting my hopes back up. And after doing so well for 5 months! Accepting that it's over is the hardest thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cypresa Posted November 3, 2009 Author Share Posted November 3, 2009 An update. So i didn't email back as you guys told me not to. Was very upset for 2 weeks and then just as i was starting to get happy about life again (ie not thinking he is the be all and end all) - he emails me. Asking how i was. What was going on in my world. And then starts talking about how upset and down he is about a work project he's working on. What do i do???!!! i had lunch with him 3 weeks ago - we were acting so friendly and had a great time. So maybe he's assuming that i want to be friends and have no problem with that (i never gave him thought to think otherwise.) but obviously by me being upset these past 2 weeks makes me realise i am not ready for just friendship... but what do you guys think i should do??? you told me to have patience - that these things may take some time.... so... should i: A) email back a very short supportive email but be brief about what i''m up to. B) email back telling him that as much as i want to be there for him and be supportive, we don't have that role in each others' lives anymore. And that he can't come to me with his problems. C) tell him the truth - that i miss him and that i find it too hard to be in this kind of contact because it makes me think there is hope for us getting back together and it makes me hope that he has realised the whole break-up was a mistake... D) suggest very breezily meeting up for a drink to chat and catch up as talking on email is never ideal. pls remember that deep down i do want to get back together with him. although i guess on my terms... (we have never stopped caring for each other) i appreciate any advice! x Link to post Share on other sites
littlebittle Posted November 4, 2009 Share Posted November 4, 2009 this is tough. it's funny how hard it can be to figure out something so simple as what is good for yourself. it's important to be practical, but then you don't want to shut out your emotional instincts either. it seems like you've had the past 3 weeks to think things through a bit more. what do your instincts tell you to do? realistically, could you ever be just friends with him at this point? or would that be too painful? you need to be true to yourself, whether that means walking away from him to avoid getting hurt, or sacrificing some of what you want in order to move forward with him as a friend. maybe that could turn into more eventually, maybe not. no one can predict the future. my one bit of advice is that you can't expect anything. i think when we try too hard to force things, or plan things, we tend to set ourselves up for failure and i'd just like to say, be careful about taking too much literal advice on these message boards. everyone here really wants to help, but we can generally only speak from very personal experiences. no one here can tell you what is right for you. no one knows this guy, or the dynamic that you two have. look at the options that you've given yourself. which one seems the most honest to you? which one will cause the least amount of pain for you? only you know the answer to that. do what you believe will be best for YOU. good luck, sweetie. Link to post Share on other sites
name witheld Posted November 4, 2009 Share Posted November 4, 2009 (edited) My opinion is that he is playing it cool. You entered a mini NC and he emailed you, looking for your support. If he is playing it cool then the last thing he might not want to show any change in commitment. Also did he actually know that you wanted more committment? I mean did you discuss it or did you assume by his actions? Can't believe the options you are proposing after posting this thread, some of them most likely would make him think you are not interested and he may run. I think you will post something that progresses the situation between you two but a lot of others might just 'protect' themselves and this is why men don't understand women!! Edited November 4, 2009 by name witheld Link to post Share on other sites
Author cypresa Posted November 4, 2009 Author Share Posted November 4, 2009 i'm even more confused now ummm. he split up with me. He decided it was the end of the road. We discussed living together as i saw that as the next step and he basicly freaked out and ended it. I didn't try and fight though. I believe you can't make someone feel something they don't. So I do feel a little like he decided not to be in my life anymore and then when he's upset he comes back to me for support. Is he having his cake and eating it too? having me there as a support system whilst moving on. Whereas i am pinning and hoping for any breadcrumb that falls my way indicating that he still cares for me. you are right maybe i am thinking i need to protect myself from more pain. not sure i want to keep on being upset all the time when he's not asking me to meet. Or maybe he's reaching out... i am just utterly confused with my next step... Link to post Share on other sites
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