I am so angry

[candoit]

I broke nc after only 4 days , i cant seem to make it past 4 days , so we went out over the weekend and made love all night . after he left the next morning I changed my nmber this way I dont expect a call from him and he doesn't call me .

 

I am angry because I love this man , I am angry as to why do i have to meet someone who i feel so much connection with and they have to be married . he has told me that the four days I wasn't in touch with him he felt empty and confused and he could not bare not talking to me for more than one day . our affair is only about 4 months old , I want to move on but i cant get him out of my head , i am going crazy help me please:mad:

[fooled once]

Are you content to remain the OW?

 

You know he is married; has he ever stated he was going to leave his wife?

[candoit]

Are you content to remain the OW?

 

You know he is married; has he ever stated he was going to leave his wife?

 

yes he is very positive that he is going to leave his wife , he says he married her for the wrong reasons like i.e she was pregnant . he says he just needs time . I do not have time to wait around , maybe he will leave her maybe he will stay with her , I dont know . I am just angry that i am in love with a married man .

[justwantlove]

Unfortunately it happens. You have to make the best decision for yourself. It easy for everyone to say leave. But were all here because we to have been here.

Im working on my nc. The longest ive gone so far is four days. Today is day 2 again. Hopefully if NC is what is best for us well learn to handel all it entails.

[Jacky]

yes he is very positive that he is going to leave his wife , he says he married her for the wrong reasons like i.e she was pregnant . he says he just needs time . I do not have time to wait around , maybe he will leave her maybe he will stay with her , I dont know . I am just angry that i am in love with a married man .

 

Please don't be so hard on yourself, you can't control your emotions towards a person. I also got annoyed with the myself because I started a relationship with someone I am unlikely to have a future with.

 

Best of luck, hope he keeps his word about leaving his wife.

[kma11]

did you feel better or worse after breaking NC? i am on day 6, i always feel better to get that INSTA-fix of feeling that connection again..but wind up hours later feeling lonely and crying ..dont beat yourself up, its done...i am trying to focus on the pain and anger i felt following the let down after i contacted him...i visualize myself in my closet crying , i see him getting in his car and leaving me , i replay the ache and pull up the memory..even though it is a bad one...it reminds me of why i can never go there again. it is MORE painfull to be 2nd best than it is to be without him. ..these thoughts and recollections are my way of coping...(twisted?not sure)..hope it helps. hang in there...when you are not "open" to be together you are also not "open" to grieve...dont recall ever getting much compassion from friends and family. hope you get it here.

[TogetherForever]

For the orig. poster & the others on this thread:

 

If you stay in this, your sadness will NEVER end.

If you get out now (& stay out), your sadness will SURELY end.

 

Ultimately, it's your choice to sit & suffer or move on.

 

Just my 2 cents worth.

TF

[Devil Inside]

Relapse is part of NC. It is a process...and sometimes we slip. Do not be too hard on yourself. I understand you feeling anger towards yourself and your situation...but eventually you need to come to a point of acceptance.

 

These are your options:

 

1. Remain in the relationship. He makes you feel good. You really love him. He may leave his wife at some point...and maybe then it will just be you and him.

 

However...you really have no control over him. He needs to make that decision...which is a hard one. When I had an affair I was really in love with my xAP..I wanted to leave for her...I needed time...she gave me ten months...and it still was not enough. So how long are you willing to give him? That limit is the only thing YOU have control over.

 

2. You can go NC for good this time and never see him again.

 

This will hurt...real bad. You will go through withdrawal. You will feel pain. However, one day you will get up and feel not so bad. Then one day you will realize you didn't even think about him at all. Then eventually you will be available to love someone that can give you themselves.

 

Either road involves pain. Either road has pros and cons. You have to ask yourself...are you willing to risk your emotions on him leaving her...and how much are you willing to bet on that...how much time, effort, energy, and emotion. It may pay off. However, if you read this board...you will know..chances are...he's never leaving...so just go into this with your eyes open and realistic.

[candoit]

did you feel better or worse after breaking NC? i am on day 6, i always feel better to get that INSTA-fix of feeling that connection again..but wind up hours later feeling lonely and crying ..dont beat yourself up, its done...i am trying to focus on the pain and anger i felt following the let down after i contacted him...i visualize myself in my closet crying , i see him getting in his car and leaving me , i replay the ache and pull up the memory..even though it is a bad one...it reminds me of why i can never go there again. it is MORE painfull to be 2nd best than it is to be without him. ..these thoughts and recollections are my way of coping...(twisted?not sure)..hope it helps. hang in there...when you are not "open" to be together you are also not "open" to grieve...dont recall ever getting much compassion from friends and family. hope you get it here.

 

after I broke the n/c I felt good , He seemed more in love with me than before the n/c . I could feel it in his body language that he was very afraid of losing me and that he was feeling hurt , he kept telling me we were destined to be together and that I should just give him time . they have been married 3 years and have been together 3 & 1/2 years . My anger is not directed to him , I am just angry that i have to let him go. I truly feel like he is my soul mate . I am still deciding on whether I should hang in there or give him time .

[whatisgoingon]

I broke nc after only 4 days , i cant seem to make it past 4 days , so we went out over the weekend and made love all night . after he left the next morning I changed my nmber this way I dont expect a call from him and he doesn't call me

 

 

Where does he tell his wife he has been all night? I am in a very very similiar situation, only it has been 1.5 yrs weve done nc my choice but we all ways seem to end up back together. My MM stays with me days at a time. I just wonder how they get away with this with there wife.

[candoit]

Relapse is part of NC. It is a process...and sometimes we slip. Do not be too hard on yourself. I understand you feeling anger towards yourself and your situation...but eventually you need to come to a point of acceptance.

 

These are your options:

 

1. Remain in the relationship. He makes you feel good. You really love him. He may leave his wife at some point...and maybe then it will just be you and him.

 

However...you really have no control over him. He needs to make that decision...which is a hard one. When I had an affair I was really in love with my xAP..I wanted to leave for her...I needed time...she gave me ten months...and it still was not enough. So how long are you willing to give him? That limit is the only thing YOU have control over.

 

2. You can go NC for good this time and never see him again.

 

This will hurt...real bad. You will go through withdrawal. You will feel pain. However, one day you will get up and feel not so bad. Then one day you will realize you didn't even think about him at all. Then eventually you will be available to love someone that can give you themselves.

 

Either road involves pain. Either road has pros and cons. You have to ask yourself...are you willing to risk your emotions on him leaving her...and how much are you willing to bet on that...how much time, effort, energy, and emotion. It may pay off. However, if you read this board...you will know..chances are...he's never leaving...so just go into this with your eyes open and realistic.

 

I am willing to give him a year , he says even if he doesn't leave her for me , he is going to leave her regardless because he is not happy . They have been married 3 years and have known each other for 3 and 1/2 years altogether . we are all in our early 30's , and he has asked me to have his baby and I refused and told him we need to be married before making that step. I am on N/C again now on day 3 , he cant contact me because I changed my number . I feel okay today I dont really have the urge to contact him . one part of me feels like maybe i should give him time and another part tells me that as long as he can have both they would be no need for him to choose , so if he is truly unhappy he will leave before a 12 months

[candoit]

I broke nc after only 4 days , i cant seem to make it past 4 days , so we went out over the weekend and made love all night . after he left the next morning I changed my nmber this way I dont expect a call from him and he doesn't call me

 

 

Where does he tell his wife he has been all night? I am in a very very similiar situation, only it has been 1.5 yrs weve done nc my choice but we all ways seem to end up back together. My MM stays with me days at a time. I just wonder how they get away with this with there wife.

 

i know ! the wife calls his phone all night but he does not answer ....1.5years thats a lot , i think you have done good to go n/c with your MM , you have been togather now long enough for him to know which way he wants to go

[whatisgoingon]

i know ! the wife calls his phone all night but he does not answer ....1.5years thats a lot , i think you have done good to go n/c with your MM , you have been togather now long enough for him to know which way he wants to go[/quote

 

I love him he knows that, he called me this past Sunday 2 times on my cell I was in bed. I hung up the first time, 2nd time I told him I could not hear him I would call him back on land line. Then he knocked on my front door before I could do that. He stayed with me all night, his phone rang about 4 am I assumed it was her, thing is she knows where he is she knows about us. She spoke to me on the phone the other sat. and said she does not ask him questions because she does not want to hear it come out of his mouth. Sad is'nt it but in this case I think W and I are both stupid to him, he has us right where he wants us. And he has made comment to me he will never leave me alone. And he has proven to me he won't. I am at a point where I do not know which way to turn. Do I call his wife when he shows up here again? Lol I haven't a clue.

[candoit]

i know ! the wife calls his phone all night but he does not answer ....1.5years thats a lot , i think you have done good to go n/c with your MM , you have been togather now long enough for him to know which way he wants to go[/quote

 

I love him he knows that, he called me this past Sunday 2 times on my cell I was in bed. I hung up the first time, 2nd time I told him I could not hear him I would call him back on land line. Then he knocked on my front door before I could do that. He stayed with me all night, his phone rang about 4 am I assumed it was her, thing is she knows where he is she knows about us. She spoke to me on the phone the other sat. and said she does not ask him questions because she does not want to hear it come out of his mouth. Sad is'nt it but in this case I think W and I are both stupid to him, he has us right where he wants us. And he has made comment to me he will never leave me alone. And he has proven to me he won't. I am at a point where I do not know which way to turn. Do I call his wife when he shows up here again? Lol I haven't a clue.

 

give him a test of his own medicine next time he shows up at your door , just pretend you have a date and dont open the door , let him feel some pain

[EnigmaXOXO]

I am still deciding on whether I should hang in there or give him time .

 

Back away now while he still craves the newness and mystery of you. Leave him to sit with only the ‘fond’ memories of his time with you --- Not after the months, even years, of accumulated resentments and unfulfilled promises set in, when the fantasy of ‘what it would be like to be with you’ wears off and he walks away from you.

 

Buy remaining stuck in this holding pattern you’re in, you also make it easier for him to remain stuck on his perpetual fence. If he loses nothing, he’ll chose nothing.

 

By making your own difficult choices, rather than forcing him to make his own, you’ve already increased your odds for success and happiness no matter which direction it goes. If he misses you enough to leave his current relationship for you, then you’ll know he made that decision on his own without being begged, brow-beaten, threatened, guilt-tripped or otherwise coerced. If he doesn’t, than you’ll know where his true heart and loyalties lie, and you’re free to move on thankful you had the courage and foresight to untangle yourself from an insincere lover before it was too late and you’ve handed over all that’s left of your heart, dignity, and self respect.

 

THAT will take years to recover from, and the bitter aftertaste of it will most certainly jade the way you trust, love, and view relationships from here on out. So whatever you do, try to avoid doing that injustice to yourself.

 

Meanwhile, it doesn’t matter whether the person you are infatuated with is married or single. If you want to be successful at relationships and genuinely winning the heart of a sincere partner... than this is the best stradegy for eventually getting what you want... or at very least, weeding out all the ones you don’t want.

[fooled once]

For the orig. poster & the others on this thread:

 

If you stay in this, your sadness will NEVER end.

If you get out now (& stay out), your sadness will SURELY end.

 

Ultimately, it's your choice to sit & suffer or move on.

 

Just my 2 cents worth.

TF

 

I 100% agree.

 

You are going to waste how many more months on this?

 

Set yourself free.

 

If he really is going to leave, then let him come to you, DIVORCED.

 

And you would be crazy to have a baby with a MARRIED man!

[sadintexas]

I am willing to give him a year , he says even if he doesn't leave her for me , he is going to leave her regardless because he is not happy . They have been married 3 years and have known each other for 3 and 1/2 years altogether . we are all in our early 30's , and he has asked me to have his baby and I refused and told him we need to be married before making that step. I am on N/C again now on day 3 , he cant contact me because I changed my number . I feel okay today I dont really have the urge to contact him . one part of me feels like maybe i should give him time and another part tells me that as long as he can have both they would be no need for him to choose , so if he is truly unhappy he will leave before a 12 months

 

I'm a former OW, so please know where this is coming from. WHY would you give him a year? You know how hard this is already at just four months. Why invest more time, emotions, hope...? Why does he NEED a year? Does he have a really good answer for that? I mean a solid indisputable answer? Not because the child is too young or she's in school right now, or she's having a meltdown or whatever.

 

The best thing you can do is back off (as you are doing) and let him figure this all out. DO NOT put your life on hold and wait for him to make a decision. The one good thing you have going for you is that you are a single (I'm assuming) woman and he risks losing you to someone else every single day. If he wants to be with you, he will be motivated to work his issues out. Even if his final resolution is to stay in the M, you will not be allowing him to drag it out, bury it, avoid it. He will have to figure it out.

 

I left my MM several months ago. It wasn't easy and I took time to put myself back together. I'm now seeing a wonderful man who respects me, puts me first, is attentive and a blast to be with. MM is still miserable in his M, still waffling, and guess what...still THERE in the M. If I'd waited any longer for him, I'd still be in the same place I was a year and a half ago. And you know what I was during the time I was with him? An escape, an emotional safety net, and what he used to buy time in his M. He used me to AVOID facing it and doing what he had to do. Trust me, it's not where you want to be. If he wants you, he will come to you. Do it right and it will be sooner rather than later.

[sadintexas]

Buy remaining stuck in this holding pattern you’re in, you also make it easier for him to remain stuck on his perpetual fence. If he loses nothing, he’ll chose nothing.

 

By making your own difficult choices, rather than forcing him to make his own, you’ve already increased your odds for success and happiness no matter which direction it goes. If he misses you enough to leave his current relationship for you, then you’ll know he made that decision on his own without being begged, brow-beaten, threatened, guilt-tripped or otherwise coerced. If he doesn’t, than you’ll know where his true heart and loyalties lie, and you’re free to move on thankful you had the courage and foresight to untangle yourself from an insincere lover before it was too late and you’ve handed over all that’s left of your heart, dignity, and self respect.

 

Awesome post. So right!