whats going on with my daughter's mother?

[delnoire]

I have been trying to get to the root of my ex gf's (daughter's mother) behavior towards me for years now, and I think the reason I just can't figure her out, is because her behavior is uniquely a female reaction to something or other. I just can't figure her out. So please, read this thru and offer your best guess. You have no idea how much I appreciate this.

 

Well, where to get started....We met when we were both pretty young. I was 18, she was 20. We fell in love. Fell in love hard. We would cry over the phone because at first it was a long distance relationship and we couldn't see each other often. All that lovey dovey, poetic romance stuff. Once she even drove from wisconsin to north carolina and back, just to spend about twenty hours with me (if this gives you any idea of the intensity of our love back then) Long story short. We move in together. She got pregnant. We fight alot. We live together sometimes getting along great, sometimes hating each other. I am there for her for all of the pegnancy, and we finally split and she moves out when our daughter is about two years old.

 

We get along better and are cordial after that. We are friendly and talk sometimes but we do not stay close friends. Another two years go by. She meets another fellow. She gets pregnant again. And out of the blue, she hits me with a custody battle.

 

The custody battle lasts about two more years. It gets pretty ugly. My lawyer whos been in the business years, says our battle although ugly is not by any means the worst he's seen. Alot of dirt is thrown on both sides, but nothing irreparable. She wants full custody. I want joint custody. In the end, I get my joint custody. It does not go to the judge. My ex finally agrees to it in mediation.

 

Two more years go by. Our daughter goes to therapy once every two weeks. Its not needed, but recommended (because of the custody battle). We learn to co-parent well enough. We are civil to each other. We go weeks sometimes a month without actually speaking, besides one sentence text messages about pick up times etc..Again not friendly, but civil and polite. She is extremely cold to me, and admittedly I am cold to her. Sometimes, very rarely we will share a joke or make small talk. But it is awkward afterwards

 

That brings us up to the present, and my current desperation. I am done being cold. I don't want to be strangers with my ex anymore. We once got along so great. I want to be friendly, to be casual and warm when talking. I know our daughter definitely picks up on the bad vibes when all three of us are together and its not good for her.

And more importantly, She is important to me. She's the mother of my daughter. We went thru alot together. We had alot of 'firsts' with one another. I mean, if we are obligated to see each other once a week for the next eleven years, why not make the best of it and be more than just friendly. We could be real friends. Its really started to bother me that we are so cold to one another. I know there has been alot of fighting and bad feelings in our past, but isn't it the mature and responsible thing to do to move ahead and just start anew and be the most positive and cooperative parents we cann be for our daughter?

 

I have started a campaign to accomplish this but have met with little success. About three months ago I asked her (with a txt message) if I could buy her a drink sometime. She said she didn't know because it had been a long time since we had done something so formal. I said it wouldn't be formal. Just some drinks and conversation. She said because of my 'harsh' treatment of her in the past, I would have to prove I could be nice to her for a long while, before she would agree to this. So she declined

 

A month goes by. I do nice things. I pay all of our daughters school registration (we usually split this). I send her a text here and there saying something pleasant like 'I hope you are having a good day' etc...I am just in general, more friendly. Obviously making an effort to get along. She is friendly in response, but doesn't really make an effort to be as friendly as I am being. No big deal. My feelings aren't hurt.

 

So two months or so go by. Then I send her another txt offering to buy her a drink again. I mention that I have been making an effort to be nice, to prove my good intentions. This time.....no response. Nothing. I get a little annoyed. But I don't say anything. She becomes very cold to me after that txt. When we see each other, she is not friendly anymore. Very cold. I find myself being cold in return. This time my feelings are a little bit hurt, but again I dont' verbalize this to my ex.

 

So tonight, our daughter's school had an open house. We both are there with her. Its the first time we've been at the same place for more than a minute or two, in a long long time. The three of us are together for about an hour. In that time, we don't speak one word to each other, though we are standing next to each other most of the time.

 

Finally I try starting a conversation. I ask "How are you?"

Her response "I'm good. And you?"

I say I'm fine.

Silence for a while. Then I ask "So what's new?"

Her response "Nothing...just working"

I am obviously trying to make friendly conversation and she keeps giving me short answers. She is being somewhat friendly, mostly cold. I don't get it. She doesn't treat her friends, or even strangers as coldly as she treats me. We created a living creature together for goodness sakes! And she can't be just a little friendly towards me?

 

So as I am saying goodbye to my daughter, as she is in the car, before I shut the door, I say to my ex 'don't be a stranger okay?" and she answers very curtly and shortly 'okay'. She doesn't even look at me as she answers.

 

Ladies, please....I'm not going to try and force my ex to be friends with me. If she doesn't want to, then I respect that. But I NEED to know, why is she always being so cold to me? I don't think I deserve it.

 

I have always been there for my daughter. There was never any physical or substance abuse. I have never had a problem with drugs. I am an able parent. There has never been an issue with our daughter not being adequately fed, or sheltered during my half of the week. I have been a good, responsible, active co-parent. So why does she act like she hates me so much? please ladies. give me a response. And feel free to ask whatever questions you need. I will be happy to clarify all points of inquiry.

[sally4sara]

What were the issues that lead up to the break up?

 

Do you still personally deal with those issues?

 

Were there any co-parenting conflicts that someone could say lead to her seeking full custody? If so, what were those conflicts?

 

You say it got ugly - how so?

 

Does her current partner resent you're involvement?

 

Have you had trouble in the past respecting the wishes and boundaries of other people?

 

I have full custody. Once upon a time, I felt that my son's father was at least a good intentioned parent despite his personal inadequacies.

Now I see him as nothing but a poor role model and harmful influence; a person I can never really trust to make good judgments as a person or father.

I am completely and honestly ashamed to admit, but cannot see a way to correct the fact that I loath his intermittent presence and have wondered if I would be happier if he died. This is not an outcome I would've chosen and I have never shared this sentiment with my son despite thinking it would better serve him in the long run.

[delnoire]

What were the issues that lead up to the break up? I think she started panicking about being a mother so young (she was about 21 when our daughter was born. At first she wanted to go out oncea week, before long it was three times a week, then it was every single night. I had to stay home, take care of the child. This led to alot of tension. I wasn't the best bf, though the things I did were not major. You know, didn't clean the apartment to her standards, didn't pay her enough attention etc...This led to emotional neglect...which led to her cheating on me and lying about it. Things just fell apart after that.

 

Do you still personally deal with those issues? Yes. I admit I have feelings for her still, she was my first everything. First lover, first live in gf, had my first kid with her but I know that we aren't compatible and I wouldn't try going down that road again, that is a certainty.

 

Were there any co-parenting conflicts that someone could say lead to her seeking full custody? If so, what were those conflicts? At first, no. We actually got along pretty good. But once her bf moved into the picture she started having all these issues with how I was parenting our daughter. And she sometiimes would get all fanatical about things that had never upset her before.

 

You say it got ugly - how so? She accused me of molesting our kid. The circumstances of her accusation were suspicious and of course I was cleared. When that failed, she tried accusing me again a few months later and when it looked like custody case was not going her way. Again unsubstantiated and she got a warningfrom the judge. I printed up some posts she had made on the interent, pictures of her and her boyfriend doing vulgar things, the thing was, in her posts she apologizes forthe quality of the pics because (our daughterss name) is taking the pics. Our daughter shouldn't even have to see the things they were doing in those pics, much less being told to take pics of it. Those were about the worst of it. Like I said nothing TOO ugly.

 

Does her current partner resent you're involvement? He HATES my involvement. He makessure my daughter calls him Daddy too and likes to make powerplays when I am around, sort of assert his dominance as a father type figure.

 

Have you had trouble in the past respecting the wishes and boundaries of other people? NOt really. I'm actually pretty passive and shy towards most people. An introvert.

 

I have full custody. Once upon a time, I felt that my son's father was at least a good intentioned parent despite his personal inadequacies.

Now I see him as nothing but a poor role model and harmful influence; a person I can never really trust to make good judgments as a person or father.

I am completely and honestly ashamed to admit, but cannot see a way to correct the fact that I loath his intermittent presence and have wondered if I would be happier if he died. This is not an outcome I would've chosen and I have never shared this sentiment with my son despite thinking it would better serve him in the long run.

 

 

I appreciate your feedback. I wonder if how you feel is similar to how my ex feels about me

[delnoire]

Sally4Sara, I have to admit, your reply has really had me thinking, I mean, those are pretty extreme thing to say about your son's father. What is the origin of those feelings? Was there something in particular that happened that made you feel that way towards him? I'd really love to know this.

[sally4sara]

Sally4Sara, I have to admit, your reply has really had me thinking, I mean, those are pretty extreme thing to say about your son's father. What is the origin of those feelings? Was there something in particular that happened that made you feel that way towards him? I'd really love to know this.

 

He pulled our son out of school and took off the opposite coast for a few weeks without any notice to go try and live off of a sick old woman's disability check posing as her live in BF. He doesn't do much in the way of contributing and only finds interest in his son when he is single.

[Lucky_One]

Delmoire, I'm assuming that your answers to Sally's questions are imbedded in that quote?

 

If so, that is a nasty custody battle. Nasty. Accusations of child abuse and of sexual abuse (a 4 year old taking pictures of adults screwing or whatever is abusive, and I can't, frankyl believe that your lawyer didn't insist that you go to court where you could easily have won full custody with photographic evidence and your XW's own words.)

 

Anyway, I wouldn't want to be friends with my X for any reason, with the ugliness that you have described. Curt, cordial and cool sound just right to me. If my X kept asking me out for drinks or sending me random texts, then I would think he wants to get back with me, and me and my SO would be very unhappy with that.

[sally4sara]

Delmoire, I'm assuming that your answers to Sally's questions are imbedded in that quote?

 

If so, that is a nasty custody battle. Nasty. Accusations of child abuse and of sexual abuse (a 4 year old taking pictures of adults screwing or whatever is abusive, and I can't, frankyl believe that your lawyer didn't insist that you go to court where you could easily have won full custody with photographic evidence and your XW's own words.)

 

Anyway, I wouldn't want to be friends with my X for any reason, with the ugliness that you have described. Curt, cordial and cool sound just right to me. If my X kept asking me out for drinks or sending me random texts, then I would think he wants to get back with me, and me and my SO would be very unhappy with that.

 

Yeah, the way he answered my questions kinda through me off too!

 

It sounds to me like your ex's current partner is controlling the tone of you're interactions from behind the scene. Since you are still interested on some level in being with your daughter's mother - it's not like he is totally without reason. But to cause unrest when it isn't needed due to a worry about competition is kinda sleazy IMO.

[delnoire]

Delmoire, I'm assuming that your answers to Sally's questions are imbedded in that quote?

 

If so, that is a nasty custody battle. Nasty. Accusations of child abuse and of sexual abuse (a 4 year old taking pictures of adults screwing or whatever is abusive, and I can't, frankyl believe that your lawyer didn't insist that you go to court where you could easily have won full custody with photographic evidence and your XW's own words.)

 

Anyway, I wouldn't want to be friends with my X for any reason, with the ugliness that you have described. Curt, cordial and cool sound just right to me. If my X kept asking me out for drinks or sending me random texts, then I would think he wants to get back with me, and me and my SO would be very unhappy with that.

 

I know it sounds like a really nasty custody case, and for that month or so when the molestation charges were going on, it was. But the case lasted almost two years and to be honest, most of the time we cooperated fairly well with each other. The Guardian Ad Litem and the Court Counselor, along with my lawyer all commented that my ex and I were actually more polite and civil to each other than most parents they have worked with in equally long custody battles.

 

The reason I didn't go for full custdoy after the photo incident is one, I don't want full custody. With my work schedule, I couldn't take her to school and care of her 24 days a month anyways. Secondly, I think it is best if BOTH parents are a large part of her life. I would feel guilty if I had full custody and my daughter rarely got to see her own mother. And third, the pics, though obscene, were not pornographic. They were basically of my ex's bf grabbing her breasts (she had a shirt on in the pics) and there were a few of him imitating sexual positions behind her as she is leaning aganist a counter. None of the pics were really bad enough for me to have gotten full custody though it did get my ex and her bf a few disgusted stares from the lawyers and the judge lol. My ex was furious that I had presented them to the court and claimed I had cyber stalked her to get them, but this claim was thrown out. Why? Because the pics were posted on a publicly acessible messageboard. All I pretty much did was google her AIM screenname and found that messageboard, wherein I found the pics she had posted. Hardly stalking. And I only stooped to those measures because well....we were at war and she kept throwing molestation charges at me. I am usually not petty like that.

 

She never actually gavea reason to anyone, including the judge, for wanting full custody. She would never really give a straight answer to anyone. I mean, I have a steady job ( have worked at my current place of employment for seven years now) I pay all my bills on time. I make sure my daughter eats right and has warm clothes for the winter. I NEVER back out of my half of the week and I even have made my work schedule flexible in the rare occasions she has needed me to take care of our daughter during her half of the week.

I can't possibly understand why she is so cold to me. I have alot of single mothers for friends, and they mostly seem to agree I am the ideal 'baby daddy'.

 

I really think she just expected to march into custody court and win full custody because she was the mother. I think she wanted full custody was because her BF wants me completely out of the picture and probably told her that once I was out of the way, they could finally be a real family and live happily ever after la la la.

 

Then, it was a rude awakening that the courts didn't give her what she wanted on a silver platter so she started throwing accusations around which no one was really taking seriously. (Previous to the molestation charges, the GAL and the Court counselor had observed my daughter and I and had noted how healthy and normal our interaction was. The specific accusations my ex made weren't even believable accusations. Lots of the things she claimed I had done to our daughter weren't even physically possible withou serious injury and bone breakage. It was really ridiculous.

 

Sometimes I wonder if she is just really ashamed of what she did (I believe her BF was very much behind it) and that is why she is so cold. Sure, I fought a little dirty, but nothing I did even came close to her molestation charges.

 

True, I do still have feelings for her, but I DO NOT want to get back with her. Our daughter's therapist has told me for years now that a large part of our daugthers stress comes from the coldness with which her parents interact. Our daughter needs us to be better friends. And true, I also want to be better friends simply for the pleasure of having her good regard.

 

I have forgiven her for what she did during the custody case and I had a lot more to forgive than she did. If I am willing to put the past aside, I think she should be too.

I understand what you mean about the txts and such, but you have to keep in mind, sending her a txt literally twice a month is really not an overwhelming amount of attention I'm sending her way.

What in your opinion would be the best way to contact her about these sorts of things, if not by txt? Thanks again, I reallly do appreaciate both of your assistance in this.

[silverfish]

Could you suggest an informal mediation service like Accord (that's the name of one in the UK)

 

I don't think its particularly unusual for divorced parents to have a similar relationship to you & your ex though, and while it's not great for your daughter, it's not necessarily going to damage her.

 

Maybe the therapy is focusing on this (negative) rather than the postives of the divorce weird I know, but they do exist for your daughter I'm sure.

Watching your parents fighting and stuff is very upsetting, and her life is calmer now. She gets your undivided attention when she's with you too now.

 

If you are going to talk to your ex, maybe be specific, like meeting up to discuss starting a savings account for her, club together for birthday presents or school trips. If not, why not write to her, something like you wrote here, and give her a chance to test her feelings towards the divorce and you before responding. I don't think cornering her at school events is a good idea at all

[fooled once]

I have been trying to get to the root of my ex gf's (daughter's mother) behavior towards me for years now, and I think the reason I just can't figure her out, is because her behavior is uniquely a female reaction to something or other. I just can't figure her out. So please, read this thru and offer your best guess. You have no idea how much I appreciate this.

 

Well, where to get started....We met when we were both pretty young. I was 18, she was 20. We fell in love. Fell in love hard. We would cry over the phone because at first it was a long distance relationship and we couldn't see each other often. All that lovey dovey, poetic romance stuff. Once she even drove from wisconsin to north carolina and back, just to spend about twenty hours with me (if this gives you any idea of the intensity of our love back then) Long story short. We move in together. She got pregnant. We fight alot. We live together sometimes getting along great, sometimes hating each other. I am there for her for all of the pegnancy, and we finally split and she moves out when our daughter is about two years old.

 

We get along better and are cordial after that. We are friendly and talk sometimes but we do not stay close friends. Another two years go by. She meets another fellow. She gets pregnant again. And out of the blue, she hits me with a custody battle.

 

The custody battle lasts about two more years. It gets pretty ugly. My lawyer whos been in the business years, says our battle although ugly is not by any means the worst he's seen. Alot of dirt is thrown on both sides, but nothing irreparable. She wants full custody. I want joint custody. In the end, I get my joint custody. It does not go to the judge. My ex finally agrees to it in mediation.

 

Two more years go by. Our daughter goes to therapy once every two weeks. Its not needed, but recommended (because of the custody battle). We learn to co-parent well enough. We are civil to each other. We go weeks sometimes a month without actually speaking, besides one sentence text messages about pick up times etc..Again not friendly, but civil and polite. She is extremely cold to me, and admittedly I am cold to her. Sometimes, very rarely we will share a joke or make small talk. But it is awkward afterwards

 

That brings us up to the present, and my current desperation. I am done being cold. I don't want to be strangers with my ex anymore. We once got along so great. I want to be friendly, to be casual and warm when talking. I know our daughter definitely picks up on the bad vibes when all three of us are together and its not good for her.

And more importantly, She is important to me. She's the mother of my daughter. We went thru alot together. We had alot of 'firsts' with one another. I mean, if we are obligated to see each other once a week for the next eleven years, why not make the best of it and be more than just friendly. We could be real friends. Its really started to bother me that we are so cold to one another. I know there has been alot of fighting and bad feelings in our past, but isn't it the mature and responsible thing to do to move ahead and just start anew and be the most positive and cooperative parents we cann be for our daughter?

 

I have started a campaign to accomplish this but have met with little success. About three months ago I asked her (with a txt message) if I could buy her a drink sometime. She said she didn't know because it had been a long time since we had done something so formal. I said it wouldn't be formal. Just some drinks and conversation. She said because of my 'harsh' treatment of her in the past, I would have to prove I could be nice to her for a long while, before she would agree to this. So she declined

 

A month goes by. I do nice things. I pay all of our daughters school registration (we usually split this). I send her a text here and there saying something pleasant like 'I hope you are having a good day' etc...I am just in general, more friendly. Obviously making an effort to get along. She is friendly in response, but doesn't really make an effort to be as friendly as I am being. No big deal. My feelings aren't hurt.

 

So two months or so go by. Then I send her another txt offering to buy her a drink again. I mention that I have been making an effort to be nice, to prove my good intentions. This time.....no response. Nothing. I get a little annoyed. But I don't say anything. She becomes very cold to me after that txt. When we see each other, she is not friendly anymore. Very cold. I find myself being cold in return. This time my feelings are a little bit hurt, but again I dont' verbalize this to my ex.

 

So tonight, our daughter's school had an open house. We both are there with her. Its the first time we've been at the same place for more than a minute or two, in a long long time. The three of us are together for about an hour. In that time, we don't speak one word to each other, though we are standing next to each other most of the time.

 

Finally I try starting a conversation. I ask "How are you?"

Her response "I'm good. And you?"

I say I'm fine.

Silence for a while. Then I ask "So what's new?"

Her response "Nothing...just working"

I am obviously trying to make friendly conversation and she keeps giving me short answers. She is being somewhat friendly, mostly cold. I don't get it. She doesn't treat her friends, or even strangers as coldly as she treats me. We created a living creature together for goodness sakes! And she can't be just a little friendly towards me?

 

So as I am saying goodbye to my daughter, as she is in the car, before I shut the door, I say to my ex 'don't be a stranger okay?" and she answers very curtly and shortly 'okay'. She doesn't even look at me as she answers.

 

Ladies, please....I'm not going to try and force my ex to be friends with me. If she doesn't want to, then I respect that. But I NEED to know, why is she always being so cold to me? I don't think I deserve it.

 

I have always been there for my daughter. There was never any physical or substance abuse. I have never had a problem with drugs. I am an able parent. There has never been an issue with our daughter not being adequately fed, or sheltered during my half of the week. I have been a good, responsible, active co-parent. So why does she act like she hates me so much? please ladies. give me a response. And feel free to ask whatever questions you need. I will be happy to clarify all points of inquiry.

 

My advice as a divorced mom? Leave her alone. Treat it as a business arrangement. There is no need for her to go for a drink with you. If my ex had ever asked that, I would not be happy NOR would I go. I would remind him we are DIVORCED; we are not friends, we are not buddies. We are ex's.

 

Just keep all conversation about your daughter. That's it. Back off.

 

Who KNOWS why she is being cold. Maybe she thought you were coming on to her. Who knows.

 

And seriously, just stick to the court order regarding paying for things. Don't pay the full price of things because once you start, you may have to continue as you will set a presedence for this sort of thing.

 

Keep it business like and cordial. You can't control her actions, but you can control yours.

 

Good luck!