The Final Goodbye

[EricaH329]

I surrender!! All of you great LSers were right. I am in no position to hold a friendship with my ex.

 

I wrote him an e-mail saying, "We can no longer talk. I'm sorry. Good luck with the navy. Goodbye."

 

I recieved an e-mail in response, "I can't just not talk to you. I hope you change your mind. I want to talk to you before I leave."

 

In which, my response was:

 

"You know what I thought about the first time I met you?? I know i've told you like a million times, and besides the fact of us meeting completly by coincedence. That you were the absolute perfect guy in my eyes. And I mean, absolutely perfect!

 

I felt completely blessed that I was with a man like you!

 

And now that it's over, I realize what went wrong. And, thankfully, it had nothing to do with me by any means.

 

I can't continue with my life, the way it's supposed to be, and keep in touch with you.

 

I love talking to you, I love being a part of your life. But it's just not fair. I want to fall out of love with you, I want to be able to look at other men, and not compare them to you.

 

I understand why we can't be together, and since it has nothing to do with me... I feel like I should have every right to get over this. Keeping in contact with you makes it that much harder.

 

You've made me realize that I am the type of girl that loves being in relationships. Meaningful relationships. I want to have children and be married. I can't give my heart to someone else when my heart is still with you.

 

I'm sorry. More than you probably know. Your memory will always be with me. Everything about you will always be with me. But, I need to move on. I need to be able to heal so that the person i'm meant to be with won't have to deal with someone who is still hung up on their ex.

 

You know that I love you. And there will always be a place for you in my heart. But... I need to move forward with my life. Maybe, one day, you and I can truly be friends. Without the love we have for eachother still being there."

 

That is basically everything that I needed to say. Criticize all you would like. I feel like I have finally given an end to this nonsense.

 

Part of me feels guilty, since he has told me many times that he does not want to be with anyone else except for me, and that he loves me more than anything... but the other part of me is very much interested in letting him go.

[fabulous_chk]

Aw you were sweet in that letter!

 

I wasn't. I just texted him a few minutes ago: "I don't need or want you in my life. Goodbye, have a nice life!"

 

Hope your ex keeps NC and respects your decision.

 

My ex never did, which made it hard for me. He stalked me at school. Girl, I've been struggling with this since March! *shakes head*

 

Should have listened to LS folks about the NC thing.

 

 

Good luck!

[Sevenscars]

And now that it's over, I realize what went wrong. And, thankfully, it had nothing to do with me by any means.

Ouch.

 

I can't give my heart to someone else when my heart is still with you.

Double ouch.

 

I'm sorry. More than you probably know. Your memory will always be with me. Everything about you will always be with me. But, I need to move on. I need to be able to heal so that the person i'm meant to be with won't have to deal with someone who is still hung up on their ex.

That right there hits the trifecta. Wow, that even stung me!

 

This won't go well for him. Good thing he's going off to the Navy, he'll be able to man up.

 

For his sake, I wish you would have been a little easier with all the talking of giving your relationship, heart, and soul to someone else.

[Lamak]

That was too heartfelt, but it should get the job done. Now is the time where you have to buckle down and stick to your guns. Block everything and get on the NC train.

[GrayClouds]

Your to strong of a woman to be with such a weak man.

 

Now stick to NC

[EricaH329]

Aw you were sweet in that letter!

 

I wasn't. I just texted him a few minutes ago: "I don't need or want you in my life. Goodbye, have a nice life!"

 

Hope your ex keeps NC and respects your decision.

 

My ex never did, which made it hard for me. He stalked me at school. Girl, I've been struggling with this since March! *shakes head*

 

Should have listened to LS folks about the NC thing.

 

 

Good luck!

 

I know that he will respect my decision. Unfortunatly, I want so much to be able to talk to him, but it just cannot happen right now.

 

I can't be mean to him. After everything he has put me through, I should be able to. But that just shows what kind of person I am. I am very proud of the fact that my self respect is still in tact.

 

I am sorry that you have had to deal with everything he has put you through. But you know what?? We are strong women... going after the same thing. Happiness. And we will find it. One day.

 

Ouch.

 

 

Double ouch.

 

 

That right there hits the trifecta. Wow, that even stung me!

 

This won't go well for him. Good thing he's going off to the Navy, he'll be able to man up.

 

For his sake, I wish you would have been a little easier with all the talking of giving your relationship, heart, and soul to someone else.

 

He treated me like complete crap towards the end of our relationship. I gave him my entire being. I gave up so much for him. And the entire time while I was doing all of these things for him, he was laughing at me.

 

I love him. I truly love him. But after all is said and done, I need to move on. And the only way for me to do that, is for me to initiate NC once again.

 

I feel as though the e-mail I wrote to him explains exactly why I cannot go on trying to be 'friends' with him. I am 100% honest in every relationship I have, whether it's friends or not. I cannot lie to this man.

 

Thankfully, I know that he will appreciate what I am saying to him. Hopefully, it won't hurt him as much as it hurt me to tell him that.

 

That was too heartfelt, but it should get the job done. Now is the time where you have to buckle down and stick to your guns. Block everything and get on the NC train.

 

Exactly!

 

Your to strong of a woman to be with such a weak man.

 

Now stick to NC

 

Amen!!

[Tamia78]

Erica,

I think it was an extremely well written email. I only wish I could be half as eloquent when writing back to my ex. For some reason, all I can think of are select 4-letter words, lol. You told him why you couldn't be friends, and it's great that he's going to respect your decision.

 

I agree with GC. You are a very strong woman. You're gonna do just fine.

 

--T

[EricaH329]

Erica,

I think it was an extremely well written email. I only wish I could be half as eloquent when writing back to my ex. For some reason, all I can think of are select 4-letter words, lol. You told him why you couldn't be friends, and it's great that he's going to respect your decision.

 

I agree with GC. You are a very strong woman. You're gonna do just fine.

 

--T

 

Thank you so much!! Even though while I was writing that e-mail, I felt very very weak... I know that I am a strong woman. And I know that I did what was best for me.

 

Afterall, what's best isn't always the easiest thing to do.

 

I love and respect myself enough to know what is hurting me, and what needs to be changed. I cannot bring myself to be harsh (the way I probably should be) towards this man.

 

And even though I know he will always be in my heart, I also know that I deserve the best. I will not settle for less in any relationship I embark in.

[tryagaintoday]

Just want to say that you're a brave person and deserved the best

[EricaH329]

Just want to say that you're a brave person and deserved the best

 

I really appreciate that! You are too kind!!

[delajoonal]

I surrender!! All of you great LSers were right. I am in no position to hold a friendship with my ex.

I wrote him an e-mail saying, "We can no longer talk. I'm sorry. Good luck with the navy. Goodbye."

I recieved an e-mail in response, "I can't just not talk to you. I hope you change your mind. I want to talk to you before I leave."

In which, my response was:

"You know what I thought about the first time I met you?? I know i've told you like a million times, and besides the fact of us meeting completly by coincedence. That you were the absolute perfect guy in my eyes. And I mean, absolutely perfect!

I felt completely blessed that I was with a man like you!

And now that it's over, I realize what went wrong. And, thankfully, it had nothing to do with me by any means.

I can't continue with my life, the way it's supposed to be, and keep in touch with you.

I love talking to you, I love being a part of your life. But it's just not fair. I want to fall out of love with you, I want to be able to look at other men, and not compare them to you.

I understand why we can't be together, and since it has nothing to do with me... I feel like I should have every right to get over this. Keeping in contact with you makes it that much harder.

You've made me realize that I am the type of girl that loves being in relationships. Meaningful relationships. I want to have children and be married. I can't give my heart to someone else when my heart is still with you.

I'm sorry. More than you probably know. Your memory will always be with me. Everything about you will always be with me. But, I need to move on. I need to be able to heal so that the person i'm meant to be with won't have to deal with someone who is still hung up on their ex.

You know that I love you. And there will always be a place for you in my heart. But... I need to move forward with my life. Maybe, one day, you and I can truly be friends. Without the love we have for eachother still being there."

That is basically everything that I needed to say. Criticize all you would like. I feel like I have finally given an end to this nonsense.

Part of me feels guilty, since he has told me many times that he does not want to be with anyone else except for me, and that he loves me more than anything... but the other part of me is very much interested in letting him go.

Very moving and sad..i don't know your story, i will have to go back and read your posts..BUT

 

this post..i really felt in my heart...i am so sorry for your pain..of loving someone you can't be with...

 

so glad you have LS to vent and get out so you can move on and start a new life and find that SPECIAL someone soon.

 

good luck.. you sound like a very sweet gal...i wish you happiness and a fabulous new man!

[EricaH329]

 

Very moving and sad..i don't know your story, i will have to go back and read your posts..BUT

 

this post..i really felt in my heart...i am so sorry for your pain..of loving someone you can't be with...

 

so glad you have LS to vent and get out so you can move on and start a new life and find that SPECIAL someone soon.

 

good luck.. you sound like a very sweet gal...i wish you happiness and a fabulous new man!

 

It took a lot of inner strength for me to be able to come to the realization that no matter how much we both love and care for eachother, that the timing is just terribly wrong.

 

Because of that reason, I cannot hold myself back from the happiness I deserve.

 

I really appreciate your post! You are very correct, I am extremely lucky to have LS and all of the wonderful people who have given me such great advice and support.

 

I know this rollercoaster ride isn't over yet, in fact, it's most likely just beginning. But, I have complete and total faith that I (just like all the others here) will come out alright on the other side.

 

We all know what's best for ourselves, the hard part is to cut ties with the people or emotions that are holding us back from becoming the best that we can be. (Sounds like an army commercial, cheesy I know, but true!).

[logitech]

It took a lot of inner strength for me to be able to come to the realization that no matter how much we both love and care for eachother, that the timing is just terribly wrong.

 

We all know what's best for ourselves, the hard part is to cut ties with the people or emotions that are holding us back from becoming the best that we can be. (Sounds like an army commercial, cheesy I know, but true!).

 

I totally agree with this. I find that I actually have to hang out with some of my regular friends here a bit less and meet new people instead. I know that they still communicate with my ex and I hope they don't discuss me. That being said the ties will never truly be cut since I'm not willing to let all of my own friends go.

 

I commend you in your strength to be so forward/open in your letter.

[EricaH329]

Thank you logitech!!

 

I agree with going out and meeting new people as a way to sort of 'restart' your life. Going after people that are better for you right now. I'm doing that myself. I have a few of the same friends i've had, but only the close ones.

 

I haven't recieved an e-mail back from him yet, even though he's read it. I don't really expect one back though.

 

Part of me feels guilty, but when I think about it, for what?? To continue with a 'friendship' that only holds me back from not only moving on, but from finding someone actually worthy of my love?? I don't think so.

[Dream Brother]

Great letter, wow. Good luck.

[JaggedRoad]

Very nice letter. Best of luck =)

[EricaH329]

Great letter, wow. Good luck.

 

Very nice letter. Best of luck =)

 

Thank you both!!!

 

Tonight was tough. I was talking to a regular at my job... and he told me where he was from. It just so happens to be that he is from the same small town that my ex is from. Keep in mind that I live in a small town myself, and my ex is from a small town that's 3 hours away from where I live.

 

It caught me completely off guard.

 

What are the odds?!

 

It brought back a million memories (since I lived there for about a year), and I wanted more than anything to tell my ex about it. Since I always told him everything.

 

But since I have this wonderful forum, I don't feel like I need to tell anyone (except you guys ).

 

I really want to thank everyone that's given me the time of day. I truly appreciate it!!

 

I love you all!!!

[Nedved]

Well done hun!!! that could'nt of been easy to write but i think if he loves you then he should just let you heal now and get on with your life. The email was in ways a nice way to end things as you spoke from the heart and nobody can ask for anymore.

 

There was no point in letting the situation continue the way it was by staying in contact and it would of been the easy option in the short term but long term it would have tormented you and broke your heart far worse that its been broke now. Your being very brave.

 

Remember the good times and look forward to the future. 5 months on from my breakup with my ex gf i'm starting to remember the good times with her fondly without feeling sad and its a nice place to be. You'l get there to

[EricaH329]

Well done hun!!! that could'nt of been easy to write but i think if he loves you then he should just let you heal now and get on with your life. The email was in ways a nice way to end things as you spoke from the heart and nobody can ask for anymore.

 

There was no point in letting the situation continue the way it was by staying in contact and it would of been the easy option in the short term but long term it would have tormented you and broke your heart far worse that its been broke now. Your being very brave.

 

Remember the good times and look forward to the future. 5 months on from my breakup with my ex gf i'm starting to remember the good times with her fondly without feeling sad and its a nice place to be. You'l get there to

 

Thanks!!!

 

I can't imagine what it will feel like when I can look back on him and be happy. Without the feelings of sadness still attached. It must be a wonderful feeling!

 

You are completely right though, as much as I enjoy him being a part of my life, in the long run it will do nothing but more damage.

[EricaH329]

Ugh!

 

So I was doing so well with not thinking about him.

 

He just IMed me about 10 minutes ago saying "Hey baby! I'm in Alaska!" He is on his way to Japan. While I am thrilled at the fact that he still comes to me when something new happens in his life, I have the feeling (and always have for as long as I can remember) that he doesn't really take me seriously.

 

I talked to him like I normally would, since i'm not bitter or angry towards him anymore. I do want him to feel as though he can come to me with anything.

 

I guess this is just me venting.

 

I'm glad that i'm hungover right now, I tend to become emotionally numb while i'm hungover.

[EricaH329]

Alright, so now that i'm completely sober and clear headed, i've had time to think about what happened earlier. I'm not very happy.

 

I thought he would respect my decision to not speak anymore. He always has before. He has become so selfish that I don't really recognize him anymore! He's only worried about what he wants, and it doesn't really matter how it effects everyone else.

 

Perfect example. While we were talking earlier, I had told him where i'm working now and mentioned something about what i'm going to be for Halloween (everyone at my job dresses up).

 

He became furious!! He doesn't like the fact (and didn't like the idea while we were together) of me working at a bar. He doesn't like how I wear skimpy clothes (which I don't at work, but he seems to think I do) and that i'm going to be wearing a skimpy halloween costume (again, it's not going to be skimpy, not that skimpy anyway). He got really upset, which I did not feed into since it's rediculous that he would be upset over that anyway.

 

At the end of our conversation, he once again said that he loves me and he'll talk to me later. I simply said "Alright, ttyl." Again, he became upset and said "Wow, and you dont even say I love you too, awesome!" And immediatly signed off.

 

He acts as though I never sent him that e-mail explaining why we cannot talk anymore. I don't know if he doesn't think i'm being serious, or if he's taking it as a joke, or he just doesn't care because he's going to do what he wants to anyway.

 

I love talking to him, I do, but i've realized that i'm much happier when i'm not talking to him. When he isn't in my life. He causes entirely too much stress for me, and at this point in my life... that's not something I want or need, especially from someone who can't manage to get their sh*t together enough to be in a relationship with someone he supposedly 'loves'.

 

I'm rambling again. I just thought i'd ask for all of your opinions on this. Why do you think he is brushing off the e-mail I sent him? Why is he getting upset over something so juvenile, when we aren't even together?!

[logitech]

Heya Erica,

 

Hope you had a good weekend besides the contact with your ex.

 

Jumping straight into it. I think he spoke to you after you sent the email to test you. You said that you can't talk, but you have. As for the reactions to what you were. I think it is a little reflexive (if that's a word). He still wants to have some control and this is the best he can do.

 

As for ex's becoming selfish, I am totally with you on that one. I think for me that's been the biggest push for me to move on.

 

Anyway, don't let it get you down!!

[EricaH329]

Heya Erica,

 

Hope you had a good weekend besides the contact with your ex.

 

Jumping straight into it. I think he spoke to you after you sent the email to test you. You said that you can't talk, but you have. As for the reactions to what you were. I think it is a little reflexive (if that's a word). He still wants to have some control and this is the best he can do.

 

As for ex's becoming selfish, I am totally with you on that one. I think for me that's been the biggest push for me to move on.

 

Anyway, don't let it get you down!!

 

Logitech!!! I'm always so glad to read your posts !

 

I actually had the thought that maybe he was doing it to gain control back. The biggest mistake I made, was by replying to him. On the other hand, I would have felt guilty if I didn't reciprocate his happiness.

 

This whole thing is extremely confusing. I know that I shouldn't be talking to him, because when I do talk to him, it feels as though the healing begins to move backwards. When I don't talk to him, I actually feel the healing progressing.

 

But... since I do really care about him and love him still, it's hard for me to ignore him when he tries to tell me about the great things that are going on in his life. I know, for a fact, that he doesn't have many people that he trusts talking to, and telling about these great things to.

 

I feel like i'm being pulled in two different directions. The selfish part of me (which has every right to be selfish) wants to stick to NC. The unselfish part of me wants to continue to talk to him and enjoy his happiness with him.

[logitech]

Good to hear I bring a smile

 

I'm not doing to well with composing my thoughts since I am still recovering from the weekend so apologies if it's a little muddled.

 

I feel like i'm being pulled in two different directions. The selfish part of me (which has every right to be selfish) wants to stick to NC. The unselfish part of me wants to continue to talk to him and enjoy his happiness with him.

 

I think you need to reverse this train of thought. You are saying it is selfish to stick to NC, but unselfish to continue to talk... I think it can be the reverse. Remember he is healing too, and keeps dropping L bombs when you do. It's quite possible that after every conversation he has with you he dwells on it.

 

So, I think in your case it is less selfish to stick to NC. This will be the quickest way for you both to heal. Even if he is calling you to tell you about something he is happy about, it would probably be best for him to share that with someone else. He has to rediscover his independence.

 

I still find myself pointing out things while I'm with my friends that they aren't the slightest bit interested in. My ex and I used to talk about anything and everything and these days I have no-one to have those conversations with. It's taking a bit of getting used to, to understand what people actually want to talk about.

 

One of the biggest things I have been using to let things go is to tell myself that it is because I love her, that I am to give her what she wants. In this case she doesn't want to be with me. If that is what makes her happy, that is what I am to give her.

 

Again, I don't know if what I wrote above gels to anything comprehensible. Sorry if it's not

[EricaH329]

Good to hear I bring a smile

 

I'm not doing to well with composing my thoughts since I am still recovering from the weekend so apologies if it's a little muddled.

 

 

 

I think you need to reverse this train of thought. You are saying it is selfish to stick to NC, but unselfish to continue to talk... I think it can be the reverse. Remember he is healing too, and keeps dropping L bombs when you do. It's quite possible that after every conversation he has with you he dwells on it.

 

Well... if he is dwelling on our conversations, he sure did have a lot to dwell on after this last conversation.

 

So, I think in your case it is less selfish to stick to NC. This will be the quickest way for you both to heal. Even if he is calling you to tell you about something he is happy about, it would probably be best for him to share that with someone else. He has to rediscover his independence.

 

He doesn't want to move on. He doesn't want to heal. He wants to remain in love with me forever. Why? I can't really say.

 

I think it has a lot to do with the fact that he isn't in any position to be in any relationship with anyone. He's told me that he doesn't want to be with anyone else, and that in 4 years when he gets out of the military, he wants to be with me again.

 

I don't know why someone would hold onto that. It doesn't make sense. But that just furthers my point of him being lost with himself. I'm surprised he knows how to walk straight, I feel bad for him.

 

I still find myself pointing out things while I'm with my friends that they aren't the slightest bit interested in. My ex and I used to talk about anything and everything and these days I have no-one to have those conversations with. It's taking a bit of getting used to, to understand what people actually want to talk about.

 

One of the biggest things I have been using to let things go is to tell myself that it is because I love her, that I am to give her what she wants. In this case she doesn't want to be with me. If that is what makes her happy, that is what I am to give her.

 

I totallllyyyy know what you mean about talking to your ex about everything. Me and my ex used to go on and on about the most pointless things. It could be how I stepped in gum, and the reaction it gave me. Something so pointless it actually most likely kills brain cells. But I loved it! There were no limits to our conversations.

 

I noticed that I am now attracted to people that I can talk to like that. I love it!

 

Again, I don't know if what I wrote above gels to anything comprehensible. Sorry if it's not

 

It makes a lot of sense!!

 

Don't you hate that feeling though? That's how it felt this morning when I was talking to my ex. I had to actually go back and re-read our conversation to see if anything I said to him made any sense!

 

Turns out it did, not that it would matter to him either way. I doubt he realizes that he doesn't make any sense all the time