The Final Goodbye

[EricaH329]

I'm sure no one is really following this thread anymore, and that's alright. It's a great way for me to vent. I feel better after having it all down.

 

I feel like shutting off the computer, turning my phone off, closing the blinds, curling up into a ball, under the sheets, and sleeping for days.

 

Last night I told my ex that we needed to go back to NC. Today I was talking to a girlfriend of mine about the crush that I have, and I dumbly made the mistake of setting my AIM status to "crushing so hard".

 

I got an e-mail from him shortly after saying "I love how your status said crushing so hard. F*cking awesome btw"

 

I seriously cannot take this anymore!! I'm trying so hard to stay strong!!! It's hard enough maintaining my strength without him around, but to get e-mails and IM's from him expressing his anger towards the things I do and say... it's becoming unbareable!!!

 

I don't know why he refuses to move on!!!! It makes it so much harder on me to move on, if all he is doing is showing me that he doesn't want to!

 

I cried today, for the first time in a very very long time. Not taking into account the stresses that I have outside of my relationships with other people, the fact that he is dragging me through the mud like this is seriously, seriously killing me. I feel my strength beginning to wither away, and the optimistic attitude I had is slowly starting to disappear.

 

I can't take this!! I just can't!! These e-mails take me back to square one with him! He needs to stop! To stop showing that he cares about what or how i'm doing! He needs to leave me alone!!!!! :'(

[McGrupp]

hey i changed my sn on here, so u dont know me anymore (ex found the name i think), but about a month ago you helped me a lot when i was going through pretty hard times.

 

i just want to say, stay strong. you know what to do, and you know how you will feel in some days/weeks.

 

and i appreciate all you did for me when i was in the dark and i hope that somehow makes you feel good. the advice you gave me then i still look at when im weak.

 

i would love to do the same for you, but i think you know all the advice you need.

 

so thanks and stay strong

[EricaH329]

hey i changed my sn on here, so u dont know me anymore (ex found the name i think), but about a month ago you helped me a lot when i was going through pretty hard times.

 

i just want to say, stay strong. you know what to do, and you know how you will feel in some days/weeks.

 

and i appreciate all you did for me when i was in the dark and i hope that somehow makes you feel good. the advice you gave me then i still look at when im weak.

 

i would love to do the same for you, but i think you know all the advice you need.

 

so thanks and stay strong

 

I am so glad that I was able to help you! When I think back on it, I was so much stronger then than I am now. If only I can find that strength again!

 

I know that eventually, probably sooner than later, I will snap out of this and back into reality. I had my head on straight and I was thinking more clearly before. I'm just going through a rough, terrible time right now.

 

I think i've just officially hit the bottom. I had a feeling I might back track. I knew that, for me, hitting rock bottom was inevitable... after a certain point I just didn't see it happening because of all the great progress I had done.

 

This is it. This is what I was waiting for. And it feels horrible!

 

I need to go back through my old posts and read my own advice.

 

I need to pull myself out of this. This just isn't fair!

[Surfer Girl]

He doesn't take you seriously because you still keep in contact....Perhaps he doesn't know the difference because you don't let him know the difference.... tough love my friend....He still has control.... and you let him get to you.... He will always get want he wants as long as you let him.... he needs to know you don't need him.... Stand up for yourself.... you know what he has done to you in the past.... Very disrespectful...... Take some respect for yourself... and don't let him manipulate you.... He will never respect you if you don't make a stand!!!! and stick to it..... Just know that this person needs to know how confident you are in yourself... and you take control and don't contact him again.... He needs to know how special you are.....only then, with NC will he ever realize it!!!

[McGrupp]

this is from that thread. you wrote this to me when i was in the dump:

 

It just sounds like you need someone to give you a little tough love. If all other people are doing is giving you sympathy, after awhile, you start to think that you are a victim.

 

I understand your pain. I just broke up with my ex fiance not even a week ago. This was the second, and last chance for both of us. It kills me! But... I know i'm a strong person. I know I have a lot to offer myself, and i'm not going to sell myself short because of another human being. Yes, I loved him very much, we were going to get married!! But he does not make me who I am. He will not ruin my life. He will not determine what mood I am in, and when. He does not deserve that.

 

You owe it to yourself to start becoming a better you and pushing away from all the negative thoughts in your life.

 

 

and this

You will go through moments of happiness, empowerment, contentment, anger, sadness, every emotion you can think of. Sometimes all at the same time. It's like a rollercoaster ride. You'll have your ups, and you'll have your downs. That's all a part of the healing process. What you are doing though is prolonging it. The longer you stay in contact with her, the longer it's going to take for you to get over her.

 

You need to find the strength to walk away. Not contact her whenever you are at a point of weakness. It's hard, there's no doubt about that. You gotta stay strong!! Don't give in when you are at your lowest.

 

and this most of all

 

It's never easy getting over someone. One day you might feel great about it and yourself, and the next you might be back to square one. It's a rollercoaster ride that you need to be prepared for.

 

It seems to me, though, that when you are at your lowest, you tend to wallow in it. Why do you do that? Those are the times when you should be the most optimistic. Yes, you are lonely. Yes, you miss her. But come on! We are all lonely at some point, don't let that drag you down!! It's hard to help someone when it seems like they don't want to get up off the ground. It's a lot of weight for anyone to carry, but you can do it! You are no less than anyone else. We've all done it, so can you.

 

Pick yourself up! Get ahold of yourself!

 

use it. you once thought it and believed it.

Edited October 22, 2009 by McGrupp

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I've been getting the (other) details on Erica...

 

 

and I must observe that (the contents of) this thread is still very warm and on a front burner, even though there is the 'crush' on the older man.

 

In sooooooooooooome ways, perhaps the older man represents a being who is seemingly barely-attainable, and mostly-unreachable (barely-attainable to your logical expectations, not your heart), and for that reason he is a comforting diversion to you at this point.

 

Indeed the older guy probably has some 'steadiness' and 'self-assurance' to him of the sort which could make the younger love nearly ideal. Partly in the way of over-emphasizing the wished-for, missing trait, and in the way of letting yourself invest feelings in SOMEone, but someone who isn't as threatening to your heart, the older guy is a snug fit right now.

 

You are certainly entitled to pursue anything you like with the older guy now, but IF you can validate any of these mindsets then you'd look really great to yourself (and as a result, to all others) for just understanding yourself a bit more clearly.

[logitech]

Come on Erica,

 

Pick yourself up and dust yourself off

[EricaH329]

Surfer girl -- You are right. I know you are right. I've always known that, and that's what made me so strong to begin with. For some reason, now it's all hitting me. I feel much better than I did a couple of days ago... but the pain still lingers.

 

You are 100% right in saying that I need to back up what I say in regards to remaining NC. He knows what he is doing, and i'm only beginning to realize it. Thank you for your advice. You are completely right!

 

McGrupp -- Wow!!! Reading back on all of the advice that I gave you, it makes me remember what it felt like to be that strong. It makes me feel better, not only because that advice is exactly what I need to hear right now, but because of the fact that I know i'll be that strong again soon. Thank you!!

 

Sincere -- I think you may be onto something. Maybe I have a crush on this man because he is unattainable. It's something for me to look forward to, to keep my mind off of things.

 

But... in the same aspect... I know that I wouldn't pursue something (or feel this greatly about something) if there weren't qualities in him that I really admire. Just thinking about him brings a smile to my face.

 

Unfortunatly, having this crush on him doesn't take away from the pain that I still feel over my ex. I don't think anything can take that away except for time. But, I must say, I am very much enjoying this crush. It gives me something to look forward to when everything else in my life seems so dark.

 

Logitech -- I know, I know! I wish it were that easy!! It's getting easier though, i'm sure i'll be alright in no time. I just need to snap out of whatever came over me.

[logitech]

Good to hear you are picking yourself up again Erica.

 

Finally for the first time in many weeks I have decided I am happy to stay home, to save money and the body (too much beer).

 

Good for you that you have the opportunity of distraction with a crush.

 

As you know I have been having a pretty down week. Not to try and threadjack, but as a guy I hate how things work when people are out on the town. There will be like one girl that 3 or 4 guys will be working on. Really girls get all the choice in the matter (sure they may be unwanted attention). I am in no state to fight for someone's attention like that so I just sit back and watch. I guess in the end that is something in my personality but yeah. I'm also surprised about how few girls I really know... Just wanted to get that off my chest.

 

Hope you have yourself a good weekend lined up to keep busy. Remember there are reasons you are where you are now. I'm not going to say it is fate or anything like that. But regardless, people play the cards they are dealt. We all have to. Just make sure you keep you head high and know like you say, time will do it's thing.

[EricaH329]

Good to hear you are picking yourself up again Erica.

 

Finally for the first time in many weeks I have decided I am happy to stay home, to save money and the body (too much beer).

 

Good for you that you have the opportunity of distraction with a crush.

 

As you know I have been having a pretty down week. Not to try and threadjack, but as a guy I hate how things work when people are out on the town. There will be like one girl that 3 or 4 guys will be working on. Really girls get all the choice in the matter (sure they may be unwanted attention). I am in no state to fight for someone's attention like that so I just sit back and watch. I guess in the end that is something in my personality but yeah. I'm also surprised about how few girls I really know... Just wanted to get that off my chest.

 

Hope you have yourself a good weekend lined up to keep busy. Remember there are reasons you are where you are now. I'm not going to say it is fate or anything like that. But regardless, people play the cards they are dealt. We all have to. Just make sure you keep you head high and know like you say, time will do it's thing.

 

Thank you! I'd like to think of what i'm going through as beneficial in some way, I know it is, it's just when you are feeling down you don't really want to believe it. You want to feel as if this is nonsense and it must go away because it's useless. When, in reality, this will make me a stronger person, and the next time I love... it'll be that much more powerful. (I'm a girl, I have to say stuff like that ).

 

As for going out, I know what you mean. I see it allll the time. One girl to every 5 guys. Just as annoying as it is to you, it's just as annoying to us (the non-attention hungry types, that is). But I can promise you, coming from a girl that doesn't feed into that type of attention, the ones that you really want to talk to and hang around, will be the ones looking for guys exactly like you. The ones who sit back.

 

Plus, you really have nothing to worry about. You are a great guy, and one day, one really lucky girl will have the pleasure of enjoying your company.

 

PS -- No need to worry about thread-jacking. My threads are your threads

[Island Girl]

Hi Erica

 

I'm a bit late coming to the party but I celebrate your newly found strength.

 

Prioritizing and putting yourself at the top of the list is absolutely crucial. I believe you lost yourself somewhat in this relationship and if a girlfriend of yours had asked for your advice -- all along you would have said YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER.

 

A man who drops off the face of the planet -- even when engaged - is a jerk. a loser, an inconsiderate douche, and more. I could really go on and on.

 

You now have the right idea. It is about YOU and what YOU need. ONLY.

 

Now you have time to heal and decide what you want in your life and get it. Don't settle or make excuses for bad behavior. Don't accept it or think somehow someway eventually it will change.

When you see red flags you walk away. Good guys don't have those red flags blazing.

 

Congratulations upon a start of a new, more fulfilling life. Again, you deserve nothing less than EVERYTHING you want.

[EricaH329]

Hi Erica

 

I'm a bit late coming to the party but I celebrate your newly found strength.

 

Prioritizing and putting yourself at the top of the list is absolutely crucial. I believe you lost yourself somewhat in this relationship and if a girlfriend of yours had asked for your advice -- all along you would have said YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER.

 

A man who drops off the face of the planet -- even when engaged - is a jerk. a loser, an inconsiderate douche, and more. I could really go on and on.

 

You now have the right idea. It is about YOU and what YOU need. ONLY.

 

Now you have time to heal and decide what you want in your life and get it. Don't settle or make excuses for bad behavior. Don't accept it or think somehow someway eventually it will change.

When you see red flags you walk away. Good guys don't have those red flags blazing.

 

Congratulations upon a start of a new, more fulfilling life. Again, you deserve nothing less than EVERYTHING you want.

 

You are 100% correct!!

 

All along i've taken your advice, which by the way is fantastic advice, and I appreciate you for that.

 

You are completely right, I am much better than that. I do deserve a lot more than that boy had to give me.

 

It's hard though, I really did love him. He was my first love.

 

But i'm not stupid. I'm finally going to live my life the way that it's meant to be lived. I'm not going to settle for less, and i'm not going to deal with someone who treats me worse than I deserve.

[Island Girl]

You are 100% correct!!

 

All along i've taken your advice, which by the way is fantastic advice, and I appreciate you for that.

 

You are completely right, I am much better than that. I do deserve a lot more than that boy had to give me.

 

It's hard though, I really did love him. He was my first love.

 

But i'm not stupid. I'm finally going to live my life the way that it's meant to be lived. I'm not going to settle for less, and i'm not going to deal with someone who treats me worse than I deserve.

 

You are very welcome Erica. I'm glad you have found my posts helpful.

 

And while he was your first love -- I can tell you that nothing in the world compares to loving someone that way -- and KNOWING you are loved the same way in return.

 

THAT is what you deserve and now there is room in your life for that person who really will give you that.

 

As I said - I am thrilled with your new found strength and positivity. It will go a long way in creating the life you really want.

[EricaH329]

He just IMed me.

 

Not going to respond. Not going to respond.

 

(Repeating this to myself).

[Bullydog1982]

He just IMed me.

 

Not going to respond. Not going to respond.

 

(Repeating this to myself).

 

EricaH329,

 

I just discovered your thread. Stay strong, don't answer that IM or any other contact. You're strong enough to do this, now it's just going through with the actions. We're all rooting for you!!!!!

 

Go foward. Know yourself, love yourself and be happy with life.

 

-Bullydog1982

[EricaH329]

Bullydog -- Thank you!! I didn't respond, and i'm not going to.

 

He's sent me a couple of incredibly meaningless IMs over the past week, and I believe it's only to establish some sort of 'control' over me. The fact that I still think about him is enough control for him. I will not allow him to see the pain I am going through any longer. He does not deserve that.

 

I am staying true to NC this time around. It feels great to ignore the breadcrumbs he is throwing at me.

 

However, knowing him, he will soon realize that i'm not giving in, and start putting effort into the messages he sends me. It'll end up turning into desperation.

 

I'm not going to look too far into the future though. Right now is just fine with me. I am strong, and I will not let him trick me into believing that I am not!

[Bullydog1982]

Bullydog -- Thank you!! I didn't respond, and i'm not going to.

 

He's sent me a couple of incredibly meaningless IMs over the past week, and I believe it's only to establish some sort of 'control' over me. The fact that I still think about him is enough control for him. I will not allow him to see the pain I am going through any longer. He does not deserve that.

 

I am staying true to NC this time around. It feels great to ignore the breadcrumbs he is throwing at me.

 

However, knowing him, he will soon realize that i'm not giving in, and start putting effort into the messages he sends me. It'll end up turning into desperation.

 

I'm not going to look too far into the future though. Right now is just fine with me. I am strong, and I will not let him trick me into believing that I am not!

 

Outstanding! See, you already know what he's going to do so no surprises; no curveballs and this knowledge should solidify your resolve to sticking to NC. And you’re right on the money about taking time to enjoy the moment. I posted an article yesterday morning in this section that addresses that exact thinking and it helped me out and really opened my eyes.

 

We're here cheering you on.

Edited October 30, 2009 by Bullydog1982

[EricaH329]

Outstanding! See, you already know what he's going to do so no surprises; no curveballs and this knowledge should solidify your resolve to sticking to NC. And you’re right on the money about taking time to enjoy the moment. I posted an article yesterday morning in this section that addresses that exact thinking and it helped me out and really opened my eyes.

 

We're here cheering you on.

 

Oh definitely!! I'm taking everything one day at a time. Feels better that way too.

 

Thank you very much for your advice! It's much appreciated!

[BiGMERF]

i wish i possessed the strength most of you display. im just beginning my recovery so Im still trying

[EricaH329]

i wish i possessed the strength most of you display. im just beginning my recovery so Im still trying

 

You'll get there!! It's always really tough in the beginning. But as time goes on, you'll become stronger and stronger. It just takes time, and a lottt of self-discipline!

[JaggedRoad]

Time really does help and so does NC. I wish I weren't so stubborn during the first few weeks.