Priority issues?

[JayCrew72]

I've got a dilemma. I'm in the process of saving up for an engagement ring for my lovely girlfriend. She mentioned to me a while back that her dream ring was 3 ct's. After shopping around a bit, I asked her if she would be disappointed with a two carrot ring. She flat out told me she would. I am not a wealthy guy, and buying a three carrot ring is going to put me (and her if we end up getting married) into debt. Am I wrong to think, if you love someone and know you want to marry them - that the ring size should not be a dealbreaker. I honestly believe that it would cause major issues if I gave her a two carrot ring, instead of a three carrot ring.

 

My personal tastes are simple, so I'm just having a really difficult time wrapping my head around the importance of having a particular sized engagement ring.

 

Thank you for reading.

[SophieA]

Are you kidding?! I hope so. I'd marry my boyfriend if he gave me a 1/4 carat, a sapphire, or a fricken cubic zirconia.

 

My advice? Get rid of this shallow sally and get a new girlfriend. It's not about the fricken ring, it's about spending your lives together.

 

Later on she won't be happy with the used toyota- she'll want the brand new lexus.

 

And she just won't be happy with the 500,000 home, she'll want the 1,000,000 home.

[Lauriebell82]

I would have to agree with Sophie on this one. What's the difference whether she has a 3 ct ring?

 

I suggest you outright ask her why she would be so disappointed in anything less than 3 ct. That you should tell you a lot!

 

What exactly do you do? I'm guessing she understands you can't afford this type of ring...

[2sure]

With any major purchase...reality, not wishes have to come into play. Take the LOVE, WANT, and DESERVE right out of your decision making process and look at real factors: INCOME, DEBT, and FINANCES.

 

First and foremost you should only get what you can realistically afford.

If she is so candid that she can tell you: No, I dont want 2 CTs - I must have 3 CTs...then now is the very best time to candidly discuss the biggest factor in many marriages...Finances.

 

Take the opportunity to show each other what you earn , what you owe and how you are paying it , as well as your expenses. Tell her how much you are able to budget for an engagement ring, wedding expenses, etc. and ask her if she will be able to pay the difference or modify her wishes.

 

2 CTS is plenty by the way and clearly what your comfort level is...the fact that she insists on 3 is an excellent indication of her future expectations from you. Time for a sit down /reality chat.

[JayCrew72]

Thank you for your responses. I've tried to go over this from every possible angle. 3 Ct's is what she considers to be a norm (judging by what she's seen her friends receive in the past). For me - it seems like a lot. Not to mention, I just recently paid off all of my credit card debt.

 

However - I don't want major problems to arise over one carrot. It is a huge price difference, but am I the one being unreasonable considering I'm making a stink over this monetary difference.

 

By the way - is it tacky for me to discuss the bottom line with her regarding the engagement ring? I was concerned that talking money might be taking the magic out of a proposal.

 

I'm completely new to all of this - so any help is very much appreciated.

Thank you all in advance.

[2sure]

lol. The "Magic" is taken out of a proposal the moment the recipient demands a particular size of stone. Thats beyond tacky, thats classless. Sorry.

[Lauriebell82]

Thank you for your responses. I've tried to go over this from every possible angle. 3 Ct's is what she considers to be a norm (judging by what she's seen her friends receive in the past). For me - it seems like a lot. Not to mention, I just recently paid off all of my credit card debt.

 

However - I don't want major problems to arise over one carrot. It is a huge price difference, but am I the one being unreasonable considering I'm making a stink over this monetary difference.

 

By the way - is it tacky for me to discuss the bottom line with her regarding the engagement ring? I was concerned that talking money might be taking the magic out of a proposal.

 

I'm completely new to all of this - so any help is very much appreciated.

Thank you all in advance.

 

UMM, no!!!!!! The difference in carots in a ring is not a monetary difference..well it is, but your concern is more of the price and future financial situation. That's not at all monetary in my opinion.

 

I don't think it's tacky to discuss the engagement ring. Most men take their fiances to pick out their rings nowadays. My fiance picked mine out without me, but he certainly got my take on the financial situation/cost of the ring. I did not want him to go into a huge amount of debt because of an engagement ring and I let him know that.

 

If your fiance would rather you put the two of you in debt for her ring that it shows her priorities..maybe the two of you just aren't compatible in that aspect? Let me ask you something though. Is she like this with other things? Like does she have to have the BEST OF THE BEST in everything she buys? Clothes, other jewelry, ect?

 

I still think you should ask her WHY the difference in carots is so incredibly important to her. Maybe she has a real reason behind it? (besides being superficial)

[JayCrew72]

She was proposed to before with a 4 ct ring. It didn't work out. She's expressed to me that she feels 3 Ct. is the perfect size. I should add - she is also planning to pay for our wedding and both of our wedding rings.

[Lauriebell82]

She was proposed to before with a 4 ct ring. It didn't work out. She's expressed to me that she feels 3 Ct. is the perfect size. I should add - she is also planning to pay for our wedding and both of our wedding rings.

 

So? Some rich dude bought her a huge rock. You say you aren't rich and I assume she knows that. So it's very unfair of her to assume that you can buy her a similar ring.

 

Now, why is SHE paying for all of the wedding expenses? Why don't you guys both chip in? It sounds like she is now using the excuse that since she is forking over all the cash for the wedding then she is entitled to a huge and expensive engagement ring. That doesn't sound balanced or fair to me...

[Stroon]

She was proposed to before with a 4 ct ring. It didn't work out. She's expressed to me that she feels 3 Ct. is the perfect size. I should add - she is also planning to pay for our wedding and both of our wedding rings.

 

i dont think it makes a difference if she's paying for the wedding.

here's a thought, if shes well off and desperate for a 3ct ring, get her to pay for it!

 

A 'normal' size engagement ring is around min. 0.25 carats. most people dont have the sort of money to pay out for a 3carat, i dread to think what that must cost!

 

i'm concerned that she's demanding a certain size rock, its the sentiment behind the ring that makes it special, not the size.

 

As a woman, i think the only imput you could expect is to the shape of the diamond and colour of the metal, as this is a matter of personal taste.

 

my ring is 0.36 carats, and people have remarked that it looks quite big. i love it and if i had a ring worth thousands i would be constantly afraid of damaging it or losing the stone.

[2sure]

I dont know what constitutes a "normal" size engagement stone.

Its all relative depending on your circumstance. Normal or average to one person is not to another.

 

After you have considered both your present financial status and your future financial status when you combine incomes...

 

If the cost is not a factor any more than the color or cut...then just get what she wants. I mean, if you cannot afford the ring she wants thats one thing...but if you want to deny her it just on principal, thats being kind of petty. If the money is not the issue, then not getting her the size she wants is the same as getting her yellow gold when she asked for white. Why?

[Lauriebell82]

I dont know what constitutes a "normal" size engagement stone.

Its all relative depending on your circumstance. Normal or average to one person is not to another.

 

After you have considered both your present financial status and your future financial status when you combine incomes...

 

If the cost is not a factor any more than the color or cut...then just get what she wants. I mean, if you cannot afford the ring she wants thats one thing...but if you want to deny her it just on principal, thats being kind of petty. If the money is not the issue, then not getting her the size she wants is the same as getting her yellow gold when she asked for white. Why?

 

Yeah, interesting observation.

 

Jay, have you told her that buying her the ring she wants would put the two of you in debt and that cost is a factor in all this? I'm guessing by now she knows you aren't rich so I'd be skeptical to believe that she is not aware you can't afford this purchase.

[JayCrew72]

I appreciate everyone's input on this.

 

Here's where I'm at - I am concerned it's become more about the size of the rock than the intention and symbolism behind the engagement ring. I love her more than anything. And if she had just said - I'll be okay with whatever size ring you want to buy, because it's coming from you - I would buy her the (3 Ct.) ring, no hesitation - because I know her heart is in the right place. But its become about the principal of it all - and it's definitely got me concerned.

Edited October 15, 2009 by JayCrew72

[JayCrew72]

Yeah, interesting observation.

 

Jay, have you told her that buying her the ring she wants would put the two of you in debt and that cost is a factor in all this?

 

Yes - she knows, it's more than I can afford to pay cash for.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

I say, propose with a half carat ring if that is what you can afford without debt. Women have been wooed with pop-tabs. or flower garlands. Or even, nothing but an expression of love.

 

If you have a woman who can only be wooed by Teh Shiny, then find yourself a better quality of woman. Because she will run you into the grave in debt over Teh Shiny.

[Lauriebell82]

Yes - she knows, it's more than I can afford to pay cash for.

 

Okay, she is being unfair then. It sounds like she just wants her huge rock back that she had with this other dude she was engaged to.

 

I suggest you sit down and talk to her. Tell her basically what you have told us, that you are concerned that the size of the ring would mean more to her then the symbolism and love behind it.

 

Oh I highly doubt anyone would even be able to tell between the carats. I mean it's not like someone walking down the street would stop her and say "Wow, that's only a 2 ct ring instead of a 3 isn't it? Geez what a cheap fiance you have!!!"

[JayCrew72]

Thanks again. Like I mentioned before, this is completely new territory for me and since she's been through this once before. I wasn't sure whether or not I was being irrational about the whole situation.

[2sure]

I just wanted to point something out ...

 

Women who marry for money...generally marry men with money.

I know its again, all relative but - if she is clear on your finances ..from what it sounds like, she may be a bit spoiled but not necessarily trying to take advantage of you. Running a boyfriend into debt is one thing...but burying your H in it intentionally....what for??

[SuburbanOblivion]

Those red flags we get in our heads are generally right.

 

Anyone who says they would be upset over not getting the 'perfect ring' is looking at the ring, not the engagement, which means she's also not looking at the marriage.

 

In short, she loves the idea of the engagement, not the actual promise to marry.

 

Haul ass. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. She is NOT someone you want to spend your life with.

[hoping2heal]

I think you have bigger fish to fry than a ct. size. IMHO anyone that NEEDS a ring a certain size to be happy is big, fat, red flags all over the place. I'm trying to figure out exactly what is so lovely about this woman. I'm just istting here picturing this as if it were a movie scene..boy doting on girl asks her if she would be dissapointed with a 2 ct. engagement ring..girl, fully aware boy is not wealthy..tells him yes, I would I would want a 3 ct. ring...

 

Seriously..and what is so lovely about her?

[Ronni_W]

if she had just said - I'll be okay with whatever size ring you want to buy, because it's coming from you - I would buy her the (3 Ct.) ring,

That's actually just you trying to control what she says (not even what she feels.) And when she does as you demand, you are prepared to "reward" her.

In any case, the other side of that is, "I'll be okay with whatever debt it takes, because it is going to you."

What is the "right" place for your heart to be? Why are you exempt from saying to her what you are wanting her to say to you?

 

Bottom line is that the cost of 'engagement + wedding' is going to be paid for by the two of you. What REAL difference if you pay "your" 50% on the ring and she pays "her" 50% on the ceremony/reception? (Other than your current control issue, I mean.)

 

I get the difference in principle -- you've decided that you get to decide what is the "right" place for her heart to be, and that you don't need to find the "right" place for your own heart. I would be concerned, too.

 

PS: It is "carat" or "karat", btw. Carrot is the veggie.

[Lucky_One]

I am starting to feel sorry for guys these days. There are an awful lot of pretentious, self-important women running around who DEMAND huge diamonds set in platinum with "designer" settings (who was the poster whose girl wanted a Harry Winston ring with the mounting being an H and a W? gag)

 

It all started with the whole 2 months salary crap, and escalated with the idea that buying on credit is an excellent way to stay ahead in life.

 

Whatever happened with a man buying a ring for the woman he loves, and with the woman being thrilled to pieces with the fact that this man loves her this much, and to know that they have the rest of their lives together for future jewelry purchases? When did "love" become a concept that is measured by the carat weight of a piece of carbon, and a smaller diamond is an indication of non-love?

 

A 3 carat diamond on nearly any American woman today looks gaudy and fake, unless the two of you are celebrities, in which case it just looks gaudy (and your being able to buy it wouldn't be an issue). A 3 carat diamond sits VERY high on the hand, and is unwieldy.

 

OP, you didn't mention how long you have dated, but I would suggest that you follow your grandmother's advice (your grandmother emailed me about this and asked I share it with you) and date her for two spans of 4 seasons before you make a marriage proposal. Keep saving for a ring during that time, and you will be able to pay cash with an easy conscience, knowing that the woman does truly love YOU and the symbolism of the marriage, instead of the bling on her finger that she can show off to her friends.

[MapleTeacup]

I totally agree with Lucky_One on this one.

 

I'm not sure what kind of lifestyle you two live, but I'm assuming it's a nice one if she considers 3 carats the norm without hesitation. I had no reference point on carat sizes before ring shopping, so I told my boyfriend I was looking for something 2.5-3 carats just because I thought it sounded good. While ring shopping together, I tried on a 3-carat ring, and realized I'd be afraid for my life walking down the street with something so big (and yes, it is very gaudy imho). I decided that 2 carats was the biggest I'd be willing to go. I wonder if your girlfriend's friends are honest, or even know, about the true carat sizes of their rings. 4 carats is ridiculously big, not to mention impractical for everyday wear.

 

All that aside, I'd question her marriage ideals. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders if you're concerned with you two's finances going into this, and it sounds like you've already talked to her regarding your concerns, so if she's unable to compromise (she's already a very lucky girl for you to consider 2 carats), then you should move on to someone more grateful because this isn't the kind of woman you want to marry.

 

I know all of this is easier said than done, especially since we don't know how long you two have been together. I'd say you hold off on the proposal and try talking some sense into her one more time. If she still can't understand, then run, and run fast... good luck.

[Tayla]

Here is a compromising suggestion:

 

Present her with your choice of the 2carat ring. Let it sink in for her that this is what you cherish and can afford. Then as my dear FIL did for his wife, Ten years into the marriage he got her the *upgraded Ring* she wanted. If this Lady of yours is looking long term then she'll know that when your finances change then you'll be more then willing to lavish her with a new carat ring.

 

You both gain and the long term marriage commitment is set in stone

[PinkToes]

Wow. You poor guy; I'm embarassed for her. You're not even married and she's already playing the "prove you love me" game? You know that's a game you can't win, because she will never be satisfied, and you'll be continually scrambling like a puppy to try to prove you love her enough to buy her more stuff. Is that a life you want? That would be a huge red flag for me.