Snooping... found something I shouldn't have... What do I do?

[PuppyLove]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a few years now, and we’ve had a more than perfect relationship. But recently I’ve found myself snooping through his phone, computer, facebook, myspace, etc. I know it’s absolutely terrible, I shouldn’t do it, and I feel like a piece of $#!% for it. But, I can’t take it back. I trust my boyfriend 100% and I know that he would never cheat on me. At the same time, I know that he’d keep conversations to himself that he considered to be “no big deal,” but that I would like to know about.

 

Okay, I’m being completely vague, so to clarify: yesterday, I found a message from my boyfriend’s ex girlfriend on myspace where she said that she wanted to talk and to let her know when a good time would be. The message was unread when I found it; I know he doesn’t check the site often. However, I checked again this morning and it was gone – deleted forever. The sent folder didn’t have anything in it to her so I have no idea if he wrote back or not. I don’t know what to do. I just wish I could erase it from my mind forever, but it’s really upsetting me. I know that it could be completely innocent, but at the same time, I know he wouldn’t tell me if it was. I’m sure that if I bring it up, he’ll get angry with me for checking up on him – understandably so – and I also don’t want to expose my snooping habits. But, I just can’t stop thinking about it. I know if I say something it could really damage my relationship because to him it means that “I don’t trust him,” but I’ve found that I’m angry with him over it and I don’t want that to affect our relationship either. I know that him deleting the message could mean two completely opposite things: he is either hiding something because it’s innocent and he knows it would make me upset to know he talks to her, or that he’s hiding something because it’s not innocent… I’m sure it’s the first situation, but I just wish he would tell me these things because the fact that he’s hiding it makes me think that something is wrong. I hate that he talks to her behind my back and I also hate how cryptic that message was. What does she mean “she wants to talk” and why the hell do they have to schedule it via a myspace message???

 

So anyways, I’m sorry that I’ve rambled and ranted a whole lot, but I’m just looking for some direction. Should I talk to him about it? How would I bring it up if I did? Do you think the fact that I snooped on him is forgivable, or do you think it’s something that could break us? Should I just try to forget about it? Should I wait to see something worse before talking to him about it? Thanks for any and all advice/comments. =)

Edited October 15, 2009 by PuppyLove
stupid HTML formatting.

[JamesM]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a few years now, and we’ve had a more than perfect relationship. But recently I’ve found myself snooping through his phone, computer, facebook, myspace, etc.

 

It may be perfect, but you do seem insecure about it. Perhaps it is too perfect, or perhaps you have this gut feeling.

 

Having said that, from what you have written, I see nothing to be concerned about....except the fact that you may have to explain why you snooped.

 

I found a message from my boyfriend’s ex girlfriend on myspace where she said that she wanted to talk and to let her know when a good time would be. The message was unread when I found it; I know he doesn’t check the site often.

 

This means nothing. First, unless he solicited the message or it was sent because they met recently, it means she simply wants to talk. I don't know their relationship, but perhaps there is some loose ends.

 

And being unread doesn't mean he didn't see it. It may have been a "Oh, WHY is she bothering me" attitude when he saw it.

 

However, I checked again this morning and it was gone – deleted forever. The sent folder didn’t have anything in it to her so I have no idea if he wrote back or not.

 

This means a few possibilities....

 

He never read it and deleted it.

He read it and deleted it.

He read it and wrote back..."No."

He read it and wrote back..."Let's meet."

He read it and called her.

 

You just don't know and that is what bugs you. Yet if your relationship is as perfect as you say, then you should know what his responses might have been.

 

I don’t know what to do. I just wish I could erase it from my mind forever, but it’s really upsetting me.

 

This is why we learn to trust our partners. Innocent things like this most likely ARE innocent. If you hadn't known, then it would have been better for you.

 

I’m sure it’s the first situation, but I just wish he would tell me these things because the fact that he’s hiding it makes me think that something is wrong.

 

Perhaps he knows that you might make it a bigger deal than it is. If he didn't solicit the email, then telling you may make you think he did. Not telling you certainly does not mean he is hiding it or that he is hiding it because he wants to be with her.

 

I hate that he talks to her behind my back and I also hate how cryptic that message was. What does she mean “she wants to talk” and why the hell do they have to schedule it via a myspace message???

 

Whoaaa! So...we now jumped from an email from HER to "they" talk behind your back and "they" schedule a meeting. Big jump. And totally unwarranted unless for some reason you feel he has shown to be untrustworthy prior to this.

 

Should I talk to him about it? How would I bring it up if I did?

 

If you cannot forget it, then you will want to talk with him. But if this snooping is a habit as you said earlier, then there is a bigger issue here than an email from an ex.

 

You know him better than we do, but bringing it up is not easy. If your relationship is perfect, then it should survive.

 

Do you think the fact that I snooped on him is forgivable, or do you think it’s something that could break us?

 

Either is possible. Yes, it is forgivable as partners forgive worse than that. But it does bring up the question....IS your relationship perfect?

 

Should I just try to forget about it?

 

Absolutely. But can you?

 

Should I wait to see something worse before talking to him about it? Thanks for any and all advice/comments. =)

 

You can keep your eyes and ears open for any additional red flags, but doing so may be bad for your relationship. However, if some absence on his part makes you suspicious, then perhaps you have a valid point.

 

Having said that, even if he meets her, this does not mean he plans on cheating. However, one would think he would tell you about it if he did.

 

Advice here is free, but remember you get what you pay for. I do think you should relax over this UNLESS you have reason to believe that he cannot be trusted.

[Lizzie60]

I know that him deleting the message could mean two completely opposite things: he is either hiding something because it’s innocent and he knows it would make me upset to know he talks to her, or that he’s hiding something because it’s not innocent…

 

How would he think it will upset you if he hides it.. and doesn't think you will ever find out..

 

My thought: it's hard to say if he's planning to see her again.. you're stuck.. you can't tell him what you did..

 

If I were you.. I would... wait a while.. check him out occasionally... then one day.. out of the blue.. ask him something like: Have you ever heard from ________? Check his face... body language.. (I know a good liar, will not be caught)...

[Vertex]

Wait, does he know you have access to that message folder? If so, then deleting the message may have two meanings here.

 

But if he doesn't know you have access, then a deleted message + nothing in the sent mail folder usually means that he just nuked it on sight and there's nothing to worry about.

 

Either way, snooping out of personal insecurity/paranoia is not the best way to handle things. Are there red flags in the relationship?

[stace79]

1. Your snooping means that no, you do not trust him. Sorry.

2. I would bet if he deleted it and there was nothing in his sent items that he was annoyed she wrote him out of the blue. I know I would be annoyed if some random ex boyfriend of mine emailed me, blatantly ignoring my relationship status.

3. Snooping is not a habit -- it's a choice you make.

 

I agree with someone else though -- you jumped to "they're talking behind your back". Where did that come from? Do you have some other knowledge that makes you suspicious?

[Untouchable_Fire]

1. Your snooping means that no, you do not trust him. Sorry.

2. I would bet if he deleted it and there was nothing in his sent items that he was annoyed she wrote him out of the blue. I know I would be annoyed if some random ex boyfriend of mine emailed me, blatantly ignoring my relationship status.

3. Snooping is not a habit -- it's a choice you make.

I agree with someone else though -- you jumped to "they're talking behind your back". Where did that come from? Do you have some other knowledge that makes you suspicious?

 

I 100% agree with this!

[serialgf]

you began your post by saying you trust him 100%... if that's true, then stop snooping on him for god's sake and if you can't do that then at least give him the benefit of the doubt when you find something

 

it seems you're snooping in order to find something "good" and now that you've found something that's remotely close, you're making a mountain out of a molehill so to speak

 

i've heard people say that snooping in a scenario like this (good relationship, you trust him) is indicative of a deeper issue... could this be the case for you? i hate to admit this, but i snoop on my bf's email (a habit i'm trying to break)... he gave me the password but doesn't want me to check his email as to him its a trust thing... anywayz, i used to admit to snooping and confront him about messages to former gf's etc... but that would always lead to a fight and to him saying "how can i trust you?" and of course, he's right... so now i occassionally snoop and if i do find "something" i don't talk to him about it... i'm trying to stop snooping... and i suggest that's what you do too!

 

anyway, about the message deletion, was this the most recent message in his IN folder? or was it sitting there for a while, buried among other things.... you said it was unread, maybe he SAW THAT YOU READ IT and that's why he deleted it... i think it depends on how long that message was sitting there... if its recent then he probably read it if its old then he probably deleted realizing you read it....

 

good luck... stop snooping on your bf... easier said than done i know but definitely the best course of action

 

cheers!

[imagine]

I believe that their should not be any condition that will prevent snooping. With the possible exception of access to business details.

 

Learn the concept of radical honesty. Use it for life. Both of you need to radically express what is in your hearts. Any other relationship is a pretense. Tell him if you like someone else and have to be shielded from that person. Ensure that this works the other way round.

 

Without these conditions, you will expose yourself to the same hazards that many other posters experience here.

 

I believe it should be compulsory to check up on your spouse from time to time. Call it quality control!

[PuppyLove]

Okay. Well, first off, thanks to all who answered and gave their insight. I did jump from "her" to "they" without adequately explaining the background, sorry about that.

 

It wasn't until 6-8 months ago that I even knew this chick was his ex gf, I was given hints, but I never put 2 and 2 together. So one day I was on his computer looking up something with him when she im'ed him saying something to the effect of "See you at 2! =)" Obviously I questioned him about it, and he explained that they had spoken the night before while I was sleeping about how they go to the same gym and they should motivate each other and they were going to go at the same time that day. I definitely believed that the whole thing was innocent, but that's when I realized that "this" Danielle was the same ex girlfriend Danielle that I briefly heard about. I mean briefly, we have never discussed his previous relationships (he refuses to tell me), though I do know she is one of the only ones and that he broke it off.

 

A few days later, I was on his computer again (innocently! not purposely snooping) and there was an IM from her up from when they had spoken earlier that day. I was curious, so I read it, and basically after a friendly conversation he said to her my girlfriend is coming with me to the gym today so.... and without anymore she understood that they would not be seeing or speaking to each other that day at the gym. This was when my insecurity started.

 

So while I do not for a fact know that they speak to each other on any sort of a regular basis, I do know, that the times they have chatted or met, he's kept it from me. That's what I'm worried about. I know he's not cheating on me, but at the same time I don't think that this is something that should be affirmatively kept from me, unless there is something to hide.

 

Vertex - He does know that I know his passwords, if that’s what you mean. I’m not positive he actually knows that I’ve used them to snoop though.

 

Serialgf – It was the most recent message. I did read it, but I marked it as “Unread “after I did. I may be a snooper, but I’m not stupid =)

[stace79]

Okay. Well, first off, thanks to all who answered and gave their insight. I did jump from "her" to "they" without adequately explaining the background, sorry about that.

 

It wasn't until 6-8 months ago that I even knew this chick was his ex gf, I was given hints, but I never put 2 and 2 together. So one day I was on his computer looking up something with him when she im'ed him saying something to the effect of "See you at 2! =)" Obviously I questioned him about it, and he explained that they had spoken the night before while I was sleeping about how they go to the same gym and they should motivate each other and they were going to go at the same time that day. I definitely believed that the whole thing was innocent, but that's when I realized that "this" Danielle was the same ex girlfriend Danielle that I briefly heard about. I mean briefly, we have never discussed his previous relationships (he refuses to tell me), though I do know she is one of the only ones and that he broke it off.

 

A few days later, I was on his computer again (innocently! not purposely snooping) and there was an IM from her up from when they had spoken earlier that day. I was curious, so I read it, and basically after a friendly conversation he said to her my girlfriend is coming with me to the gym today so.... and without anymore she understood that they would not be seeing or speaking to each other that day at the gym. This was when my insecurity started.

 

So while I do not for a fact know that they speak to each other on any sort of a regular basis, I do know, that the times they have chatted or met, he's kept it from me. That's what I'm worried about. I know he's not cheating on me, but at the same time I don't think that this is something that should be affirmatively kept from me, unless there is something to hide.

 

Vertex - He does know that I know his passwords, if that’s what you mean. I’m not positive he actually knows that I’ve used them to snoop though.

 

Serialgf – It was the most recent message. I did read it, but I marked it as “Unread “after I did. I may be a snooper, but I’m not stupid =)

 

Okay, I change my viewpoint based on this new info. There is no way in hell my fiance would be planning to meet up with any girl without at least mentioning it to me, and it certainly wouldn't be one-on-one time with an ex without him talking to me about it first.

 

It's one thing if he just happened to run into her once in awhile at the same gym -- that stuff happens. But planning to meet her at certain times, without even mentioning it to you, is off to me.

 

I'd have a seriously problem with it and would definitely bring it up. I'd have had issues with that even without snooping or seeing this most recent myspace message.

[alphamale]

How would I bring it up if I did?

you DON"T bring it up

[imagine]

Hmm. I would install a keylogger onto the computer in case he does change a password.

 

Would you object if he were to snoop on your calls?

[PuppyLove]

Would you object if he were to snoop on your calls?

 

Nah. I don't have anything to hide, he can snoop all he wants.

[serialgf]

your sitch sounds a little like mine in that your bf has nothing to hide and trusts you.... that doesn't mean that he's going to willingly share info he feels will hurt you

 

you sound like you really trust him... so as i said before... stop snooping on him...

 

and don't bring this up....

 

i think your real issue is your insecurity... do you feel like the rebound? it sounds like you're hurt that he didn't share his communications with her and honestly to me it sounds like a bit of a red flag that he absolutely refuses to talk about his former relationships... why is that? maybe this is the conversation you should be having...

[alphamale]

Nah. I don't have anything to hide, he can snoop all he wants.

its better not to snoop

 

i snooped once and found pics of my then girlfriend in all sorts of compromising sexual scenarios. there were some pics of her in leather and other pics of some guy's cock in her mouth and up close pics of her private parts....

 

not a pretty sight or memory

[imagine]

Nah. I don't have anything to hide, he can snoop all he wants.

 

Precisely. Neither should he have anything to hide!