When did your wife stop being your lover and turn into your mother?

[The Midnight Rider]

MEN!

 

This goes out to the husbands out there. When did your wife stop being the sultry, flirty, seductress that dressed sexy for you, flirted heavily with you, and couldn't wait to jump your bone(s) the moment nobody was looking into that person that dresses like she escaped from a rummage sale, flirts with you by not killing you in your sleep, and jumps your bones only when begged for six weeks? Can you pinpoint a time since you got married? Was there a turning point? Did she change back to the hot nymph that you married or do you continue to suffer in silence?

[Lizzie60]

MEN!

 

This goes out to the husbands out there. When did your wife stop being the sultry, flirty, seductress that dressed sexy for you, flirted heavily with you, and couldn't wait to jump your bone(s) the moment nobody was looking into that person that dresses like she escaped from a rummage sale, flirts with you by not killing you in your sleep, and jumps your bones only when begged for six weeks? Can you pinpoint a time since you got married? Was there a turning point? Did she change back to the hot nymph that you married or do you continue to suffer in silence?

 

I don't think any man can pinpoint an exact time ... passion slowly dies out.. it doesn't happen overnight.. it's a slow process... routine, work, kids, stress... there is NO turning point..

[TaraMaiden]

the day we began living together.

he became 9 years old overnight.

[hopeful1980]

Before we had kids I had all the time in the world. I used to go shopping for sexy lingere whenever I felt like it. I used to plan romantic dinners for us and time it to have the music start and the candles lit right when he was walking through the door. We used to sleep in on weekends and turn the phone off so we could make love all day without interuption.

 

Fast forward to today, three kids later, working different shifts, less time, less money, more chores, helping kids with homework, potty training, the list goes on and on.

 

I still do what I can. Sexy text messages and emails from work and stuff like that. Sometimes I set the alarm clock to 30min early so we can get it in before we have to get the day started. But I just don't have the time to go all out like I used too.

[Fallen Angel]

I am not a man, so I can only answer for when I quit trying to be those things.. it was right after I had my first child, and the Dr. gave the okay again (and I was back in my size six jeans *sigh*), and he said to me "You can't really want to do THAT (referring to a particular sex act I wanted), you are a mother now. THAT is something you only do with your girlfriend or a one night stand, not with your wife and the mother of your children."

 

It was like all of a sudden I went from being a sex toy, to being a china doll. And it never got any better. He used to say that something must be wrong with me because I still wanted the sex life we HAD pre-marriage/children.

[mem11363]

What is the difference to your wife between how YOU are when you are sexually satisfied versus when you are sexually starved? Meaning - what impact if any is there on her quality of life when you are satisfied vs starved? Do you act the same way towards her, help out just as much, etc?

 

Why does your wife not feel very guilty for doing this to you? I am serious about that. If I denied my wife for more then a couple/three days I would start to feel really bad. And vice versa. She actually uses the term - bad wife - when we have a series of unfortunate events that mess up our sex life. And not in a false way - like give me pity - in a real way like sorry for not connecting with you.

 

I am a very good husband/father - her words not mine - so that makes me comfortable enough to be very blunt about things that are important to me - I believe that there are only 5 things in the world that really, really matter to me - and she and the kids are the top 2.

 

And hey I posted about mercy sex - our version of mercy sex is not an unkempt wife saying hurry up. It is simply wife saying "I am all yours" when I ask to connect. That is the mercy version, the non mercy version is "good, I want you too."

 

But I do know this.

 

At once every six weeks I would simply say:

1. Set up a Doctor visit to check hormones other stuff

2. I will set up marriage counselor weekly until we fix this - and if that expense means we don't go on vacation this year - that is ok

 

The focus in MC would be on what needs to change for me to feel loved even half as much as I love. This forces conversations about what you do that turns her on - what you do that turns her off. Why she is not concerned about treating you decently. How she feels about you overall.

 

Married 20 - together 21.

 

 

MEN!

 

This goes out to the husbands out there. When did your wife stop being the sultry, flirty, seductress that dressed sexy for you, flirted heavily with you, and couldn't wait to jump your bone(s) the moment nobody was looking into that person that dresses like she escaped from a rummage sale, flirts with you by not killing you in your sleep, and jumps your bones only when begged for six weeks? Can you pinpoint a time since you got married? Was there a turning point? Did she change back to the hot nymph that you married or do you continue to suffer in silence?

[NowhereToHide]

MEN!

 

This goes out to the husbands out there. When did your wife stop being the sultry, flirty, seductress that dressed sexy for you, flirted heavily with you, and couldn't wait to jump your bone(s) the moment nobody was looking into that person that dresses like she escaped from a rummage sale, flirts with you by not killing you in your sleep, and jumps your bones only when begged for six weeks? Can you pinpoint a time since you got married? Was there a turning point? Did she change back to the hot nymph that you married or do you continue to suffer in silence?

 

 

Hmmm... maybe it was at exactly the moment that she realized that you have THIS attitude towards her and figured it was no longer worth putting in the effort?

 

Did you ever think that this is a "mutual" thing? The signals you put out to you affect her just as much as the signals she puts out affect you. I guarantee the problem lies with both of you and NOT just with her.

[giotto]

MEN!

 

This goes out to the husbands out there. When did your wife stop being the sultry, flirty, seductress that dressed sexy for you, flirted heavily with you, and couldn't wait to jump your bone(s) the moment nobody was looking into that person that dresses like she escaped from a rummage sale, flirts with you by not killing you in your sleep, and jumps your bones only when begged for six weeks? Can you pinpoint a time since you got married? Was there a turning point? Did she change back to the hot nymph that you married or do you continue to suffer in silence?

 

my wife was never like that, being extremely reserved... so, no real change there... didn't even notice... she just got even more reserved! You know the typical British, highly private woman? Yes, exactly like that... I should have known better...

[The Midnight Rider]

Thanks everybody for your posts! Keep them coming, this is all VERY interesting! It seems that once children were introduced, things changed in the most drastic way. Your no longer lovers, your partners. Do you guys discuss these issues with your husbands/wives and if so, who initiates the discussions? How did/do they turn out?

 

Mem, thank you especially for your post. I think that if more marriages had this type of honesty and communication, there would be fewer divorces!

 

NowhereToHide, exactly where in my post did I say this was me? Read not just my post, but ALL posts on this site concerning marriage and they all seem to be going the same direction. "My wife stopped having sex with me unless I bug the hell out of her and she relents to shut me up." I would like to know if this is what marriage turns into eventually and if so, can it be changed. Are the husbands, wives doing something that can be changed and if so, what? Why is there such a disconnect between husbands and wives after marriage? NowhereToHide, I didn't ask you for your advice, I only asked for your experiences. If you can give me that, that would be great. If you don't like the way I asked the question because it is not in a loving sensitive way, answer a different post.

[JackJack]

Well fortunately right now, I haven't experienced that.

 

Now my brother on the other had has. He has talked to me about it before. He would mentioned things about his wife acting like mom, well my response to him was, "maybe if you stop acting like a child she wouldn't".

 

Now of course I can not speak for all, but for my own brother I can. He did act like a child first. He always acted like others owed him something and never did anything unless it was asked of him 100 times, then he would get mad and say she was b*tching, and acting like his mother. Well, lets see shall we, if she asks you something or tells you something and hours later your a$$ has still not done whatever or responded there ya go dude!

 

I do think there are SOME women who maybe want to be the fixer, controller, mommy to their husbands etc, HOWEVER, I think there are SOME men too, who bring it on themselves and then wonder why.

[The Midnight Rider]

Well fortunately right now, I haven't experienced that.

 

Now my brother on the other had has. He has talked to me about it before. He would mentioned things about his wife acting like mom, well my response to him was, "maybe if you stop acting like a child she wouldn't".

 

Now of course I can not speak for all, but for my own brother I can. He did act like a child first. He always acted like others owed him something and never did anything unless it was asked of him 100 times, then he would get mad and say she was b*tching, and acting like his mother. Well, lets see shall we, if she asks you something or tells you something and hours later your a$$ has still not done whatever or responded there ya go dude!

 

I do think there are SOME women who maybe want to be the fixer, controller, mommy to their husbands etc, HOWEVER, I think there are SOME men too, who bring it on themselves and then wonder why.

 

 

THIS I totally agree with. Thanks!

[MistyK]

My interest in being sexy towards my xH dramatically slowed about 2 years into our relationship, not long after we moved in together. Knowing that we saw each other everyday it didn't seem to need to be this act of bonding for not knowing when we would see each other again anymore. I did try to rekindle my interest, but once he got seriously into porn, my interest waned even more. We couldn't ever have vanilla sex. It ALWAYS had to invlove outfits, hooker makeup and an hour of prep time. I can't even tell you how much money he blew on outfits, high heels, glow in the dark lipstick. Ridiculous. I have kids, and even if I didn't, that's a pain in the a*s to do every single time. Not worth it (especially because sex with him pretty much sucked anyhow). I had plenty of nice nighties, but apparently, that wasn't good enough, he wanted costumes. Eventually I just decided that since he wanted a porn star so bad, he could go ahead and find one.

[The Midnight Rider]

My interest in being sexy towards my xH dramatically slowed about 2 years into our relationship, not long after we moved in together. Knowing that we saw each other everyday it didn't seem to need to be this act of bonding for not knowing when we would see each other again anymore. I did try to rekindle my interest, but once he got seriously into porn, my interest waned even more. We couldn't ever have vanilla sex. It ALWAYS had to invlove outfits, hooker makeup and an hour of prep time. I can't even tell you how much money he blew on outfits, high heels, glow in the dark lipstick. Ridiculous. I have kids, and even if I didn't, that's a pain in the a*s to do every single time. Not worth it (especially because sex with him pretty much sucked anyhow). I had plenty of nice nighties, but apparently, that wasn't good enough, he wanted costumes. Eventually I just decided that since he wanted a porn star so bad, he could go ahead and find one.

 

It sounds like his porn addiction killed the sexual relationship as well as his relationship with you. Has he changed at all or seen the error of his ways? Did he remarry? Did he stop wearing high heels and glow-in-the-dark lipstick (On a woman=okay. On a dude=not so much)? Thank you for your post and your honesty.

[MistyK]

It sounds like his porn addiction killed the sexual relationship as well as his relationship with you. Has he changed at all or seen the error of his ways? Did he remarry? Did he stop wearing high heels and glow-in-the-dark lipstick (On a woman=okay. On a dude=not so much)? Thank you for your post and your honesty.

 

I'm sorry, I thought it was obvious that he was buying that stuff for me to wear. For me at least, I found it really insulting that I wasn't "sexy" enough on my own accord that he required me to be in outfits all the time. (Understand that I'm very slender, fairly well built). I don't know whether he's seen the error of his ways or not. I know he's had some girlfriends, but nothing serious. Porn took over his life, to the exclusion of everything else.

[The Midnight Rider]

I'm sorry, I thought it was obvious that he was buying that stuff for me to wear. For me at least, I found it really insulting that I wasn't "sexy" enough on my own accord that he required me to be in outfits all the time. (Understand that I'm very slender, fairly well built). I don't know whether he's seen the error of his ways or not. I know he's had some girlfriends, but nothing serious. Porn took over his life, to the exclusion of everything else.

 

It seems that he was more attracted to the fantasy that porn is than the real life of what was in front of him. I think dressing sexy every now and again keeps spice in a marriage. It reminds that dude that you took time out to plan something special for the two of you and gives him some eye candy to boot! Constantly trying to keep up some sort of show or a play cannot be helpful and it sounds like your ex-hubby took it to the extreme. He is obviously in a lot of trouble and probably in a great amount of pain right now, but it sounds like you came out allrightythen!

 

BTW, I was kidding about the high heels. I kinda figured they were for you, but you never can tell nowadays...

[MistyK]

It seems that he was more attracted to the fantasy that porn is than the real life of what was in front of him. I think dressing sexy every now and again keeps spice in a marriage. It reminds that dude that you took time out to plan something special for the two of you and gives him some eye candy to boot! Constantly trying to keep up some sort of show or a play cannot be helpful and it sounds like your ex-hubby took it to the extreme. He is obviously in a lot of trouble and probably in a great amount of pain right now, but it sounds like you came out allrightythen!

 

BTW, I was kidding about the high heels. I kinda figured they were for you, but you never can tell nowadays...

 

Yeah, the thing is, I didn't want to do that because it was EXPECTED. Current boyfriend gets a lot more playfulness because he doesn't demand it. It feels more like a nice surprise.

 

Porn desensitizes you - and he was in that zone for a minimum of 3 hours a day (that I know about). It sorta brainwashed him, and he stopped acting like he had any respect for me at all. He didn't do anything at all around the house and we both worked - I was to do everything, AND be a sex kitten on top of it. Not realistic, I'm afraid.

[Untouchable_Fire]

MEN!

This goes out to the husbands out there. When did your wife stop being the sultry, flirty, seductress that dressed sexy for you, flirted heavily with you, and couldn't wait to jump your bone(s) the moment nobody was looking into that person that dresses like she escaped from a rummage sale, flirts with you by not killing you in your sleep, and jumps your bones only when begged for six weeks? Can you pinpoint a time since you got married? Was there a turning point? Did she change back to the hot nymph that you married or do you continue to suffer in silence?

 

From my experience if you treat your wife like a mom... she will act like one.

 

If she treats you like a child... you will act like one.

 

If you want her to be different, treat her like she is different.

[hopeful1980]

From my experience if you treat your wife like a mom... she will act like one.

 

If she treats you like a child... you will act like one.

 

If you want her to be different, treat her like she is different.

 

That is excellent advice and it works in my exerience.

[The Midnight Rider]

This is only a response not meant to berate or belittle an opinion!

(Sometimes people can get a little touchy)

 

From my experience if you treat your wife like a mom... she will act like one.

 

If she treats you like a child... you will act like one.

 

If you want her to be different, treat her like she is different.

 

Soooo...it's the husband's fault? The only line in this that doesn't point to the husband seems to be "If she treats you like a child... you will act like one." and that's touch and go at best. Hopeful, according to you, your sex life started to change as more responsibilities came along, not because your husband treated you any sort of way. Am I to believe, Untouchable, that the men who have posted on this site have, in some way, doused the sexual flame in their mate and turned them somehow into June Cleaver by acting in the above manor? Maybe some, but all? I have a hard time either believing that's what your saying or understanding what you are telling me.

 

The women who have responded to this post have, for the most part, told me the exact same story; "I'm flippin' tired!" A few have expressed that their husbands were complete and utter morons (Misty, that's a shout out). Do you believe that your above statement is true for most sexual disconnects between husbands and wives or just a few and if so, did it happen to you? What occurred?

[hopeful1980]

This is only a response not meant to berate or belittle an opinion!

 

(Sometimes people can get a little touchy)

 

 

 

 

Soooo...it's the husband's fault? The only line in this that doesn't point to the husband seems to be "If she treats you like a child... you will act like one." and that's touch and go at best. Hopeful, according to you, your sex life started to change as more responsibilities came along, not because your husband treated you any sort of way. Am I to believe, Untouchable, that the men who have posted on this site have, in some way, doused the sexual flame in their mate and turned them somehow into June Cleaver by acting in the above manor? Maybe some, but all? I have a hard time either believing that's what your saying or understanding what you are telling me.

 

The women who have responded to this post have, for the most part, told me the exact same story; "I'm flippin' tired!" A few have expressed that their husbands were complete and utter morons (Misty, that's a shout out). Do you believe that your above statement is true for most sexual disconnects between husbands and wives or just a few and if so, did it happen to you? What occurred?

 

Oh, I didn't think UF was saying that it was the husband's fault. I thought the post was saying it's all about your perception. If you treat a person they way you want them to act, they usually start acting that way. People always rise to your level of expectation and if you expect them to act like a mother or a child, that's the way they will act.

 

If I treat my husband like a great provider, sexy lover, and sweetest man on earth, he'll probably start acting the way I am treating him. But if I treat him like he's a loser, he'll probably start acting like a loser (at least to me). That's what I took from UFs post.

[Fallen Angel]

Oh, I didn't think UF was saying that it was the husband's fault. I thought the post was saying it's all about your perception. If you treat a person they way you want them to act, they usually start acting that way. People always rise to your level of expectation and if you expect them to act like a mother or a child, that's the way they will act.

 

If I treat my husband like a great provider, sexy lover, and sweetest man on earth, he'll probably start acting the way I am treating him. But if I treat him like he's a loser, he'll probably start acting like a loser (at least to me). That's what I took from UFs post.

 

I have been preaching exactly that ALL over these boards, but I don't think anyone is listening! Everyone just wants to make sure that they get validated when they say 'it is not my fault my relationship is going downhill' !

 

Finally, someone who at least GETS it!!!

 

It is not ALWAYS true, but in my experience it is MORE OFTEN THE CASE THAN NOT!

[Untouchable_Fire]

Soooo...it's the husband's fault? The only line in this that doesn't point to the husband seems to be "If she treats you like a child... you will act like one." and that's touch and go at best. Hopeful, according to you, your sex life started to change as more responsibilities came along, not because your husband treated you any sort of way. Am I to believe, Untouchable, that the men who have posted on this site have, in some way, doused the sexual flame in their mate and turned them somehow into June Cleaver by acting in the above manor? Maybe some, but all? I have a hard time either believing that's what your saying or understanding what you are telling me.

The women who have responded to this post have, for the most part, told me the exact same story; "I'm flippin' tired!" A few have expressed that their husbands were complete and utter morons (Misty, that's a shout out). Do you believe that your above statement is true for most sexual disconnects between husbands and wives or just a few and if so, did it happen to you? What occurred?

 

Yes, if you want your wife to be sexy, you must treat her as though she is sexy.

 

The only time this fails... is when she refuses to give you permission.

 

No matter how bad you want to treat a person in a certain way, it requires their compliance. In that way we control how others treat us.

[hopeful1980]

Yes, if you want your wife to be sexy, you must treat her as though she is sexy.

 

The only time this fails... is when she refuses to give you permission.

 

No matter how bad you want to treat a person in a certain way, it requires their compliance. In that way we control how others treat us.

 

Absolutely.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Absolutely.

 

If you want my humble opinion on your situation... I have read some of your stuff.

 

Giving is great, but you need to receive in return. If you give without asking for anything, it is human nature to give you nothing in return.

 

Instead, before you give ask for something in return. Then you may hold your partner accountable to that promise. That is a good way to teach someone not only how you want to be treated, but also allows you to learn how they wish to be treated in return.

 

I hope that is helpful.

[The Midnight Rider]

All of this is great information, but if I may play devil's advocate for a moment, it seems to be contradictory to other posts I have read or any other anecdotal evidence I have come across. It seems that although women want to be treated as wonderful and sexy, I'm also reading a lot of "I'm tired" or "All he wants is sex". Is it that women do not communicate the truth effectively or that you would like control over the timing? Either way, why do women not initiate sex as much as men do? I seem to also run into this issue when the husband always has to be the one to initiate sex or intimacy and are at the mercy of the wife's timing. Is she up to being cuddled at that moment or not? Is sex in our future tonight or is it cold shower time again? Men get turned down and have to ask again later while women don't have to go through this. Am I wrong in what I'm seeing or am I wrong in the way that I'm seeing it?

 

Posters, I know I am asking a lot, but your answers are fascinating. When you turn your husband/boyfriend down for sex, why do you usually do it? Is it usually something that he has done (or failed to do) or is it that you just aren't into it? Do you usually initiate and if not, why not?