When did your wife stop being your lover and turn into your mother?

[MistyK]

I once found out that my xH was hiding his porn by removing the insides of our vhs tapes and replacing them with the reels of a porno.. imagine my embarassment when at "poker night" at my house with two other couples I popped in the movie "Forrest Gump" for background noise, and we were all treated to "Big D*cks, Little Chicks" instead.

 

I never hosted poker night again.

 

Yeah it's great isn't it? After xH moved out I kept finding more pornon stashes for the better part of a year as I cleaned out closets, etc. It was like a porno scavanger hunt.

[Texsun65]

I Agree. It is almost always the "husbands fault". Women decide to "turn off" and men become rejected and angry. Then the women wonder why we are such *******s. Duh! What I have seen is women use sex as a tool to manipulate their husbands and we will play the game awhile until we figure it out. Then women wonder why we are such pricks?

[Texsun65]

All of this is great information, but if I may play devil's advocate for a moment, it seems to be contradictory to other posts I have read or any other anecdotal evidence I have come across. It seems that although women want to be treated as wonderful and sexy, I'm also reading a lot of "I'm tired" or "All he wants is sex". Is it that women do not communicate the truth effectively or that you would like control over the timing? Either way, why do women not initiate sex as much as men do? I seem to also run into this issue when the husband always has to be the one to initiate sex or intimacy and are at the mercy of the wife's timing. Is she up to being cuddled at that moment or not? Is sex in our future tonight or is it cold shower time again? Men get turned down and have to ask again later while women don't have to go through this. Am I wrong in what I'm seeing or am I wrong in the way that I'm seeing it?

 

Amen brother!

[soserious1]

Baroness,

That is a sad story and I felt bad for you when reading it.

 

I will say that for younger women reading your post - you need to realize that if you have a good husband - the comment "not much time left to be a whore when he's in the mood" opens a door that you do not want to open in your marriage.

 

That comment is akin to the man saying - after a long commute, a tense workday, helping around the house and with the kids: "I don't have much energy or interest left to listen to you tell me how upset you are because your mother made some insensitive remarks about your parenting style earlier today."

 

It is easy to deprioritize your partners needs and to be dismissive of the things they require to feel loved.

 

 

What's funny about this is that I never felt the need to have my husband listen to me about much of anything. I also am not and have never been much of a romantic, flowers, pretty words etc frankly were boring to me.

 

What I wanted was sex, as frequently as possible, not warm, fuzzy lovemaking but mildly rough, mildly

verbally degrading sex. In short I wanted sex as it's shown in porn, frequent, without preamble, being all about

the physical.

 

I didn't expect him to support me fiscally

I didn't expect him to perform excessive household tasks

I didn't expect him to listen to me whine incessantly about

all the trival aspects of my day.

 

I didn't expect him to be responsible for my emotional wellness.

 

 

I didn't expect him to share all my interests, nor did I expect him to give up his.

 

All I wanted was regular sex, without drama, without either of us having to jump thru hoops or to beg for it.

 

Where did I go wrong?

Edited October 21, 2009 by soserious1

[mem11363]

No doubt it happens this way fairly often - meaning the sexual shutdown happens without explanation and then the guy gets mad and he shuts down. The woman proceeds to blame the lack of sex on all his behaviors that started AFTER she turned off.

 

I also think something more subtle often happens. She withdraws a bit sexually and instead of keeping his cool - and focusing on his friends and his hobbies until she comes around and chases him - he crowds her emotionally and sexually. Which is the biggest turnoff in the world.

 

Guys should get a handbook at the wedding says - if she pulls back - you pull back - do not crowd someone who wants some space it just makes them withdraw more. And don't be a jerk about your indifference - walking into the house and being coldly indifferent is not pulling back, it is quietly attacking. It is the worst thing to do. Being friendly and reserved and spending more time focused on other stuff is usually the best way to deal with this.

 

 

I Agree. It is almost always the "husbands fault". Women decide to "turn off" and men become rejected and angry. Then the women wonder why we are such *******s. Duh! What I have seen is women use sex as a tool to manipulate their husbands and we will play the game awhile until we figure it out. Then women wonder why we are such pricks?

[The Midnight Rider]

What's funny about this is that I never felt the need to have my husband listen to me about much of anything. I also am not and have never been much of a romantic, flowers, pretty words etc frankly were boring to me.

 

What I wanted was sex, as frequently as possible, not warm, fuzzy lovemaking but mildly rough, mildly

verbally degrading sex. In short I wanted sex as it's shown in porn, frequent, without preamble, being all about

the physical.

 

I didn't expect him to support me fiscally

I didn't expect him to perform excessive household tasks

I didn't expect him to listen to me whine incessantly about

all the trival aspects of my day.

 

I didn't expect him to be responsible for my emotional wellness.

 

 

I didn't expect him to share all my interests, nor did I expect him to give up his.

 

All I wanted was regular sex, without drama, without either of us having to jump thru hoops or to beg for it.

 

Where did I go wrong?

 

SoSerious, I did not want to give advice in this post, but this post compels me to speak up. You ask at the end of the post "Where did I go wrong?" You treated your husband like a vibrator attached to a jackhammer. This type of behavior doesn't work when men do it to women and vice versa. If you didn't want to show love and tenderness to a person and you wanted somebody to act the same to you, why did you marry somebody that was eventually going to need some affection too other than "Slap my ass and call me names!"

 

These posts are great and I am thankful for the results. Nowheretohide, thank you especially for your story. Mem, when did you figure out you were a jerk to your wife and change? Jersey Shortie, you seem to have only fed a fire here. Are you saying that it is mostly MEN'S fault? So the man has to put his wife on a pedestal, treat her like a woman, bend to her every whim and desire and STILL get turned down? And as an ADDED bonus, the initiation of even intimacy (let alone sex) is still the responsibility of the man. Wife doesn't like the man's timing? No. Man smells like he's worked in a coal mine all day (because he has worked in a coal mine all day)? No. Man fails to pay complete attention to wife when she is describing what Debbie did to Susan at Becky's house after Donna's kid stuck a Lego in Jenny's dog's nose while he is watching the Super Bowl, mowing the lawn, or holding a full house, aces over kings? No. Men get shot down more than the Luftwaffe over Africa but we have no choice but to keep plugging away until we finally hear "Yes". Jersey, I think you are really short changing husbands here and although you raise some valid points (marriage is a two way street), I think you are pointing your blame cannon at just husbands.

[The Midnight Rider]

I think I had better be clear about something. If I seem mean or crass about subjects, I just don't believe being nice and sweet and politically correct equals out to honesty. I'd rather have my feelings hurt than lied to and that's pretty much all of the touchy-feely-sensitive-male thing leads to. I am curt and as abrupt as a car crash, but I am straight forward in what I think. I am not always right and my mind can be changed because I am open to alternate points of view. You could call me a devil's advocate, minus the horns and Keanu Reeves. If you read my posts and think "Wow, that Rider guy is a big, flaming ass****", then you are correct. But I won't mask my feelings to spare any of your's here and I expect the same from all of you toward me. I appreciate all postings here and am gaining insight into a great many things.

 

BTW, Mem, I gave your list of things to ask my wife to my wife. I am awaiting the results soon. When I get them, I will share with the whole class and bring gum. Mmmmm...gum...

Edited October 21, 2009 by The Midnight Rider

[hopeful1980]

SoSerious, I did not want to give advice in this post, but this post compels me to speak up. You ask at the end of the post "Where did I go wrong?" You treated your husband like a vibrator attached to a jackhammer. This type of behavior doesn't work when men do it to women and vice versa. If you didn't want to show love and tenderness to a person and you wanted somebody to act the same to you, why did you marry somebody that was eventually going to need some affection too other than "Slap my ass and call me names!"

 

These posts are great and I am thankful for the results. Nowheretohide, thank you especially for your story. Mem, when did you figure out you were a jerk to your wife and change? Jersey Shortie, you seem to have only fed a fire here. Are you saying that it is mostly MEN'S fault? So the man has to put his wife on a pedestal, treat her like a woman, bend to her every whim and desire and STILL get turned down? And as an ADDED bonus, the initiation of even intimacy (let alone sex) is still the responsibility of the man. Wife doesn't like the man's timing? No. Man smells like he's worked in a coal mine all day (because he has worked in a coal mine all day)? No. Man fails to pay complete attention to wife when she is describing what Debbie did to Susan at Becky's house after Donna's kid stuck a Lego in Jenny's dog's nose while he is watching the Super Bowl, mowing the lawn, or holding a full house, aces over kings? No. Men get shot down more than the Luftwaffe over Africa but we have no choice but to keep plugging away until we finally hear "Yes". Jersey, I think you are really short changing husbands here and although you raise some valid points (marriage is a two way street), I think you are pointing your blame cannon at just husbands.

 

I don't think that's fair. I mean, the post in and of itself was a shot at wives. The entire premise was that we go from hot and heavy to nagging and frumpy overnight with no provocation or warning. For the most part, that's not true. BOTH people in the marriage change. This post could have easily being titled, "Women, when did your husband stop being your friend and turn into a whining child?" It's not very nice either way and I think Jersey was just trying to even out the one-sidedness of this post because too many men on this board believe women just up and stop wanting their husband without any motivation from them.

[The Midnight Rider]

I don't think that's fair. I mean, the post in and of itself was a shot at wives. The entire premise was that we go from hot and heavy to nagging and frumpy overnight with no provocation or warning. For the most part, that's not true. BOTH people in the marriage change. This post could have easily being titled, "Women, when did your husband stop being your friend and turn into a whining child?" It's not very nice either way and I think Jersey was just trying to even out the one-sidedness of this post because too many men on this board believe women just up and stop wanting their husband without any motivation from them.

 

My OP was not a shot at wives, but it does reflect a pretty common issue among men. The joke "What is it that women eat that stops blowjobs? Wedding cake!" is not without merit for a reason. Sex and intimacy changes between wives and husbands; type, duration, intensity and frequency. Men seem to bring up the issue the most because we have to be the ones to initiate it or even ask for it. Check this very forum and you will see this is the underlying theme in most male postings. I have heard a few reasons like:

 

I'm tired.

We have children.

My husband treats me like crap (this one will stop intimacy with anybody.)

 

Does the first two mean that intimacy MUST stop? If so, why? Have others encountered this and got past it to a healthy fulfilling marraige? If not, why not? A few of the postings from wives have been interesting because the WIVES recognized an issue and worked through it with their husbands, but I still get posting stating "It's his fault!"

[BlueMango]

This IS the most common complaint among men. I've been through this with my wife so many times, I already gave up. Once the kids are old enough, I'm leaving.

 

I've heard it all:

 

1) I'm tired (and yet manages to perk up when CSI comes on)

2) I can't do it now - the kids will hear us

3) How about tomorrow? (tomorrow doesn't happen)

4) Headache

5) etc. x 100

 

I've tried everything under the book, but bottom line, and she told me this: she believes that some people only want sex once a month or less and she's one of those. So I need to adapt.

 

I did adapt. Unbeknownst to her, for 6 months I slept with a married "friend" of hers here from Japan until her and her husband were sent back. There will be others.

[soserious1]

SoSerious, I did not want to give advice in this post, but this post compels me to speak up. You ask at the end of the post "Where did I go wrong?" You treated your husband like a vibrator attached to a jackhammer. This type of behavior doesn't work when men do it to women and vice versa. If you didn't want to show love and tenderness to a person and you wanted somebody to act the same to you, why did you marry somebody that was eventually going to need some affection too other than "Slap my ass and call me names!"

 

 

 

Who said there was no love ? What I said was that my ex was not required to cook,clean care take for babies, buy me expensive gifts, wine and dine me or beg me for sex.He wasn't expected to support me, he wasn't saddled with the sex drive crushing burden of our bills. I worked full time and supported us both. I was never too tired or too sick for sex. He didn't need to beg, flatter me with empty prose or buy me flowers. He didn't have to do the dishes for a week before timidly approaching me hoping that tonight he'd get lucky.In short I required none of the things the men here complain bitterly about in order to get me to put out.

 

 

As to my personality, my ex made it clear that he intently disliked women who required all of the above things from men, he also loathed women who filled the air with endless chatter, droning on and on for hours at end about their feelings. I am a quiet, very self -contained person

who prefers to show my feelings via my actions rather than words. The match seemed perfect for quite a long time.

 

 

I was hoping for a regular sex life during my marriage ie: 2-3 times a week, I'd have even settled for once a week

heck I don't think I had sex more than 3 times one year and I went totally without sex for 1 solid year prior to our divorce.

Edited October 21, 2009 by soserious1

[silktricks]

Men get shot down more than the Luftwaffe over Africa but we have no choice but to keep plugging away until we finally hear "Yes". Jersey, I think you are really short changing husbands here and although you raise some valid points (marriage is a two way street), I think you are pointing your blame cannon at just husbands.

 

well..... maybe some men get shot down... but.. In the many years we've been together, I think I've turned down my husband for sex - maybe twice. He on the other hand has turned me down every single bloody time I've approached the subject for waayyy the h*ll too many years. If I'm interested - then he isn't.

 

Oh yeah, he will be later - maybe even 20 minutes later - but it's got to be HIS time frame and HIS initiation for us to have sex. So... I can't say I never ever ever initiate it, but for me to bring it up and pretty much get shot down yet again, I've got to be either desperate or drunk.

 

There are a lot of women who like sex MORE than their husbands do... and a lot of controlling people in general when it comes to sex - not just women.

[The Midnight Rider]

Who said there was no love ? What I said was that my ex was not required to cook,clean care take for babies, buy me expensive gifts, wine and dine me or beg me for sex.He wasn't expected to support me, he wasn't saddled with the sex drive crushing burden of our bills. I worked full time and supported us both. I was never too tired or too sick for sex. He didn't need to beg, flatter me with empty prose or buy me flowers. He didn't have to do the dishes for a week before timidly approaching me hoping that tonight he'd get lucky.In short I required none of the things the men here complain bitterly about in order to get me to put out.

 

 

As to my personality, my ex made it clear that he intently disliked women who required all of the above things from men, he also loathed women who filled the air with endless chatter, droning on and on for hours at end about their feelings. I am a quiet, very self -contained person

who prefers to show my feelings via my actions rather than words. The match seemed perfect for quite a long time.

 

 

I was hoping for a regular sex life during my marriage ie: 2-3 times a week, I'd have even settled for once a week

heck I don't think I had sex more than 3 times one year and I went totally without sex for 1 solid year prior to our divorce.

 

You are better for divorcing him. He is obviously an idiot.

[hopeful1980]

My OP was not a shot at wives, but it does reflect a pretty common issue among men. The joke "What is it that women eat that stops blowjobs? Wedding cake!" is not without merit for a reason. Sex and intimacy changes between wives and husbands; type, duration, intensity and frequency. Men seem to bring up the issue the most because we have to be the ones to initiate it or even ask for it. Check this very forum and you will see this is the underlying theme in most male postings. I have heard a few reasons like:

 

I'm tired.

We have children.

My husband treats me like crap (this one will stop intimacy with anybody.)

 

Does the first two mean that intimacy MUST stop? If so, why? Have others encountered this and got past it to a healthy fulfilling marraige? If not, why not? A few of the postings from wives have been interesting because the WIVES recognized an issue and worked through it with their husbands, but I still get posting stating "It's his fault!"

 

I understand that it's an issue in most marriages. I'm not denying that. But the OP does make it sound as if women just morph into these nonsexual beings. It's insulting. It's as if we WANT to be that way. More often than not, that's not it.

 

And I'm tired and we have children are valid reasons for the sex to lessen in a marriage. Unfortunately, women aren't wired like men sexually. Most of us need our head to be in the mood before our body can get there. All of the responsibilities that come with marriage and parenthood are definite mood stealers and a lot of men do nothing to aide their wives in getting back in the mood. They just expect that she'll be the same and do the same things she did when she had all the time in the world and little to think about. I think it's unreasonable to expect.

[RedDevil66]

the day we began living together.

he became 9 years old overnight.

 

HAHAHA.....best reply!