Almost seven years and tired of waiting. Am I justified?

[MapleTeacup]

My boyfriend and I met in college and have been together for almost seven years now. He was the first to bring up marriage after three years of dating, which was exciting. However, it was understood that neither of us wanted to rush into marriage until we were both established. We've since graduated. He graduated three years ago and started out with a great job. I graduated a year after, and it took me another half a year to find a decent job starting off at the bottom of the totem pole. At that point, I had been anticipating a proposal (we've both established that marriage was definite in the future). It never came around, but I didn't stress over it since we were still young.

 

I'm now 25, which I know is still young, but considering the amount of time we've been together, I'd say we're ready to tie the knot. However, circumstances have since changed. My boyfriend was laid off from his well-to-do position last year. I've since flourished in my position and am able to support the both of us. I had also since gotten more impatient with marriage plans as I can tell he's made no effort to get engaged. Now, I am not insensitive to his current jobless state, but I knew for a fact (he told me) that he had a good chunk of money saved up even after being laid off. On top of that, he's currently receiving unemployment. By no means do I want him to spend his savings just to get me a ring, but since being laid off, he's gone on a cross-country backpacking trip with all new gear (backpacking gear is not cheap!), "surprised" me with backpacking gear of my own ($450+), continues to buy electronics and games, and is about to get lasik eye surgery with the last bit of his money. Meanwhile, I've told him that I want to get married, or at least let people know I'm engaged.

 

I thought I had a good plan - I would buy the setting myself with a synthetic stone, which he can later replace when he's ready. No need for a proposal from him, since it would just be a formality and he's not even the romantic type anyway. He objected saying that we don't have the money to have a decent wedding, and he doesn't believe in having a long engagement to wait until we have the money. I was saddened, but did a lot of thinking and realized that I didn't need a big wedding. I just want to be married to this man, so a week later, I broached the idea of an intimate courthouse wedding to him- no rings needed and only the two of us would know- and he blew up on me telling me that I was putting too much pressure on him. He then revealed that he wanted to have a wedding in order to save face with my family. If not for my family, he really wouldn't even care. This really hurt me in ways I can't even pinpoint.

 

*note* He's also in the process of going back to school to get the appropriate classes to get into dentistry school and says that he doesn't want to think about marriage until he's done... that's another 3-5 years!

 

I'm at the point where I don't even see a point in having a wedding anymore because (1) the wedding is nothing sentimental to him, but a way to show off to my family, (2) we would have been together for so long that I feel like life together would already be established (we've been living together for three years) - there'd be no , and (3) part of me already feels ashamed when people find out how long we've been together, yet I have no tangible sign of committment to show for... I can't imagine how I'd feel in another 3-5 years.

 

So my question is: Am I justified in feeling this way, or do I need to just get over it?

[sb129]

A bit of both Maple I think.

 

Firstly- of course you are justified in feeling the way that you do, however you need to examine exactly WHY you need the commitment of marriage.

Why is it important to have a "tangible" sign of commitment? Only you can answer those questions.

 

Secondly- there is another person in the equation- your BF- and he has clearly expressed that he isn't ready yet. His change in circumstances may have brought that feeling on. Perhaps he feels that he would rather wait until a few of the variables in his life have settled down.

 

His feelings are just as important- and no amount of pressure will force his hand in this.

 

Unfortunately you feel differently about it, which is going to have an impact on how your R progresses from now on.

 

Do you love him and want him and only him? IF so, then another 3-5 years is nothing in the grand scheme of things. However you could apply that to him too...

 

Its a tough one, and there is no easy answer...

[Lauriebell82]

I agree with sb: I don't think this guy is ready yet. He is using the wedding/money as an excuse to keep you at bay. You tested him by saying you didn't want a big wedding just a small courthouse one..he flipped out. He's putting you off by coming up with reason after reason why it "isn't the right time."

 

After 7 years, yes this guy should be ready. However he's not. Pressure isn't going to help, ESPECIALLY since it doesn't appear he is ready mentally.

 

Like sb said: Do you love this man and want to spend your life with him..married or not? I understand 7 years is a long time, I got anxious after 2 1/2!!! But is it worth giving up on your relationship? That's really the question you have to ask yourself. And who knows, maybe if you take marriage off the table and ease the pressure he will feel more ready to marry! (like the movie "He's just not that into you" if you have seen it)

[MapleTeacup]

I wanted the tangible commitment because I was tired of the remarks I'd get from people when I'd tell them how long we've been together. The remarks would be somewhere along the lines of, "Are you sure you're the one he wants to marry?" And I was sure, which is why I didn't think it was a big deal to broach my engagement ring idea. I know I shouldn't let remarks like those bother me and that I shouldn't have to justify my relationship to anyone, but I just thought a ring would solve all that.

 

I've tried telling him there's no need to feel insecure about his circumstances and that we're in this together (we're not asking our parents for help), but I guess he has the male ego thing going on. At times, it feels like he puts off marriage because we've already been living like we're married, and he doesn't see the big deal in making it legal. I think deep down inside though, as old-fashioned as it may be, I want him to make an honest woman out of me. He's a great guy towards me - very caring and my best friend, but his unwillingness to just take the final step makes me feel like there's something wrong with me.

 

By no means is the timing issue a deal-breaker, unless we're nearing the ten-year mark (c'mon, I only have one lifetime...). We talk about our future together like it's so matter-of-fact, so I don't doubt his intentions with me, but it's just so hard waiting for something you want.

Edited October 18, 2009 by MapleTeacup