Am I being unreasonable?

[GiveAndTake]

This is kinda long. I hope someone takes the time to read it. I need to know if I'm being unreasonable.

 

My boyfriend, who is as wonderful as they come, has a sister. When I met him, he had just bought a house and he and his sister lived together. They are from another country so only have each other here.

 

His sister is 25 years old but acts as if she's about 15. She has a past drug problem, is illegal so cannot work or drive and is very unstable emotionally. He's been taking care of her for the last 10 years (since she's been here in the US).

 

I love her like she was my own sister, I really do.

 

A couple of months ago, my boyfriend asked me to move in with him. I did. A few weeks prior to this, his sister got a boyfriend. They got close very quickly. Her boyfriend was staying at the house basically all of the time.

 

Now, I should state that my boyfriend is a truck driver and is gone about 80%of the time.

 

 

Anyway, not long after I moved in, I caught her and her BF smoking pot.

My BF and I are TOTALLY against any drugs. My BF was away but I told him on the phone about this. He then yelled at his sister and told her that her BF was no longer welcome to sleep over ever again.

 

So, she and her BF left the house and in the last 2 months, have only visited a couple times. She basically moved out. They have been staying in hotels all of this time.

They did run out of money once and came to the house (while my BF was away) and pretty much took over the house and she was kinda rude to me.

 

His sister said to me, "he's gonna leave before it's time to go to bed". (This was her brother's rule about not sleeping over). So, she was gonna take it to the limit and have her BF there all day until bedtime .

 

Well, I just found out from my BF that her BF pretty much is running out of money completely now and has found a place to stay but cannot take her with him. So I asked my BF, where will your sister be? He said she's gonna stay at the house.

 

I'm kind of upset about this. Firstly, because he didn't feel the need to talk to me about this and secondly, my life is going to change ALOT with his sister back in the house. He's never here, I am.

 

I just hung up the phone with him. I don't know if I was being unreasonable. I do know I made him feel bad and I feel bad about that. He's such a great person and I know it's his sister.

Truthfully, I am really uncomfortable with the prospect of her living with me and her BF staying here all the time other than sleeping but at the same time, I think if he had talked to me about it first, I probably would have said of course have your sister move back home. But, I would have wanted to discuss what to expect. My opionion wasn't considered in any respect.

 

I guess I'm more upset that he didn't feel like he needed to consult me (and maybe he doesn't) I just don't know.

 

Any words of wisdom?....

[TheLoneSock]

Whadya know, an illegal with a drug problem that acts like a teenager. What a great addition to our country!

 

No, you're not being unreasonable by any standard. It sounds like you have tried to be sensitive to the fact that she's his sister, family, and look past her negatives. However, it doesn't look like she appreciates that. You can't make him choose between you and her, and I doubt you want to. I also doubt you want to have to get into a female 'cat' war (no offense) over claimed territory in a house YOU help pay for.

 

I think the best thing you can do is lay it all out in the open before him, with force, in person, without her around. If he doesn't understand your point of view and why you'd be upset, then HE'S the one that is being unreasonable.

 

I definitely wouldn't run away from this problem, or hang up on him. He sounds like a decent guy. You just have to be assertive. Passive aggression won't work, and neither will open aggression. Assertiveness with him is the only thing that is going to help.

[Ronni_W]

What TLS said.

Also, you could check with your boyfriend to find out if he shared your perception that, at some point, his sister had "basically moved out" -- it sounds as if that is the crux of your current disappointment/upset, and it is due to you having considered/assumed that Sis had "basically moved out".

 

But if, for him, there was never any (permanent) change in her "real" address, then he would not have felt-seen any need to speak with you about her "coming back" since, in his mind, she never "really" left.

 

I'm not saying that he is 'right' or 'wrong', just that his own perceptions would have guided what he felt was necessary and appropriate -- how he handled it is not necessarily a sign that he is disrespecting you or not acknowledging your place in the household.

[GiveAndTake]

I should be fair and tell you, I do not help pay the bills. He bought the house outright and doesn't want any financial contribution for anything else.

 

I do however, take care of the house. It needs alot of work and I do contribute that way. I've done many small things thus far plus I plan to paint and fix up what needs fixing etc...

 

Also, before her boyfriend, I was taking care of his sister. She was always with me whether it be at my BF's house or my former place.

[eeyore1981]

I should be fair and tell you, I do not help pay the bills. He bought the house outright and doesn't want any financial contribution for anything else.

 

I do however, take care of the house. It needs alot of work and I do contribute that way. I've done many small things thus far plus I plan to paint and fix up what needs fixing etc...

 

Also, before her boyfriend, I was taking care of his sister. She was always with me whether it be at my BF's house or my former place.

 

BBM

 

This is what I gathered from your initial post.

 

Yes, I do think you are being unreasonable. I feel sorry for your bf, it sounds like he has a full plate.

 

Step back and look at it from his view for a moment.

 

He has this relationship with his sister for a good 10 years now, long before you came on the scene. It may be unhealthy, co-dependent, and enabling, but this is the choice he made. He's dealing with her crap, he lets her bf move in and is dealing with his crap, he moves you in and now he is dealing with your crap, too. At this point in the game, you have no right to dictate what goes on in his house. If the two of you had gone in on a place together, it would be a different story.

 

I have a brother I have been through this with. He has lived with me several times. This was a mutual decision between my H and me, because we purchased our house together, paid our bills together, etc. 2 or 3 months of living in his home does not give you the same status.

 

Instead of ragging on him and making his life more difficult, why not try being supportive? If she gets on your nerves that bad, find somewhere else to hang out away from her. Ask bf if you can put a lock on your bedroom door to keep them from stealing your stuff.

Good luck.

[Tayla]

Please ignore eeyores bias opinion. Clearly it comes from deep seeded issues.

Rarely a good idea.

 

In reality, you have just as much right to voice your opinion to your BF as his relative. You are both equally important.

 

As an adult you have the right to be supportive by telling your BF that she needs intervention and establish ground rules early. This young girls actions are screaming for professional attention. His enabling should be addressed as well. Its not healthy. Nor is it good for a healthy person to be in such an environment and asked to endure it simply because she is blood. No one is helping her if they are catering to her disease.

[GiveAndTake]

Thank you all for your advice. My BF is coming home tonight. His sister will be going to a hotel with her BF until tomorrow so it'll give us a chance to talk about this.

 

Wish me luck!

[eeyore1981]

Please ignore eeyores bias opinion. Clearly it comes from deep seeded issues.

Rarely a good idea.

 

In reality, you have just as much right to voice your opinion to your BF as his relative. You are both equally important.

 

As an adult you have the right to be supportive by telling your BF that she needs intervention and establish ground rules early. This young girls actions are screaming for professional attention. His enabling should be addressed as well. Its not healthy. Nor is it good for a healthy person to be in such an environment and asked to endure it simply because she is blood. No one is helping her if they are catering to her disease.

 

LOL, I don't see how I am biased. Some guy moves his girlfriend in, and she now has the right to tell him who can and cannot live in his house? The sister was there long before the gf, does she have the same rights? If so, maybe she can insist brother move gf out.

 

Yes, Giveandtake, listen to Tayla here. Get those ground rules established early. Make it clear to bf sister is too much to endure, and don't forget to point out how his treatment of his sister is completely wrong. Guys love being bossed around.

 

Good luck!

[GiveAndTake]

Things went well. My BF and I had a long talk today about this. He understood my point of view and I understood his. We do communicate very well.

Bottom line, he agreed that his sister is immature and in need of "babysitting".

 

So, because of that, HE decided that he wants ME to be in charge when he is out of town. He is going to tell his sister that before he leaves on the road again.

 

I think this will work out for everyone.

 

Thank you all again for your advice. If things go bad, I'm sure I'll be back on here posting about it..lol

[TheLoneSock]

So, because of that, HE decided that he wants ME to be in charge when he is out of town. He is going to tell his sister that before he leaves on the road again.

 

That's a fantastic start! Hopefully it will improve the situation.

 

The root problem here is her though, so more work lies ahead, I'm sure you know this. Good luck!

[Tayla]

LOL, I don't see how I am biased. Some guy moves his girlfriend in, and she now has the right to tell him who can and cannot live in his house? The sister was there long before the gf, does she have the same rights? If so, maybe she can insist brother move gf out.

 

Yes, Giveandtake, listen to Tayla here. Get those ground rules established early. Make it clear to bf sister is too much to endure, and don't forget to point out how his treatment of his sister is completely wrong. Guys love being bossed around.

 

Good luck!

I will give you this much Eeyore....and your words not mine - You just don't see it- therefore bias. Close minded - unable to rationally see both sides .

 

To GiveandTake- So glad he listened and it sounds like you both have good intentions overall. You both have mutual regard. Admirable.

[ADF]

You're being totally unreasonable, and you're way too involved in your BF's private family business. MOVE THE HECK OUT. Don't make him have to choose between you and his sister. And your boyfriend needs to make sure his sister's BF doesn't move back in either.