Seperated with kids

[tnttim]

The messed up part of this whole ordeal I'm in, is 3 months ago this is what I wanted. I thought it was going to be easy when I got to this point. I'm starting to realize that it's never going to be easy. Because that was the problem with the first go with her, it got too easy. I think I didn't realize I wasn't putting too much into the relationship. I payed the price though and the way I look at it, I'm paid in full. Do I still love her, yes, do I trust her, yes but to a point. I can't help but feel like I made her run to OM, by my actions. I know you'll attack me for that and say it's her fault. I'll say it takes 2 to run a partnership, 1 fails, both fail. It's time to see how big of a man I really am. I remind myself everyday how far I made it with her and it humbles me. I know I can make this work, but it's up to her too, that's the scary part.

[tnttim]

I don't know if I'm a success story right now. We had a great X mas together. We have gone out a bunch of times and just made out here and there. It gets really intense, but I am keeping the sex part out of my mind for now. We agreed to start sleeping in the same bed. She wants me to take her out on her birthday. She has been very open and honest about what is happening. She said OM called and she ignored it, she asked me what she should do. I said it has nothing to do with me, you have to deal with it. She wants to renew our vows on our anniversary also. I'm guessing this is the up part of the rollercoaster, but I'm gonna enjoy it while I can.

[Gunny376]

What a lot of people don't understand is that in a LTR / marriage there's a lot of ebbs and flows ~ much like the tide coming in and out. One day your in love ~ the next you are ~ and then the next your back in love.

 

Women are much more in connection with their emotions than men are. Men tend to think more in "rational" terms ~ as women can and do? But, more often than not they need to ensure that that rational thinking with their emotional state of mind. Men don't have that problem.

 

An excellent book on the subject is "How To Manage Your Woman ~ Get to Know Her" I'm not even sure your can find it as I found it on the discount rack for $1 at Books A Million.

 

Basically the author says women are women, and they don't have to make rational sense (in the way men do about most things), they don't have to validate their decisions, their choices, their reasoning's etc.

 

This isn't to say that women are so called handicapped by their emotions, (many men believe they are) but its to say that women do things and make decisions just because they "feel" their way through life in as much as they "think" their way through life. (Actually they do both ~ but the two must be in conjunction with one another. Generally speaking.)

 

To the OP you've hit the nail on the head with some of your latest posts. And your response has been most excellent in regards to your DW.

 

In short? She's "Bitch-testing" you and has been for quite sometime now. You and her have suffered an emotional disconnect ~ she knew it ~ you didn't.

 

Or I should say she "sensed it" and you didn't. Thus the "I've lost my love for you and passion for you.

 

This doesn't necessary happen on strictly a conscious level ~ but a sub-conscious level as well ~ which is why she cannot fully explain it to you.

 

And Homer is right ~ (Sorry I've not read his material) but you've got to live your life for yourself and its you and you alone that's responsible for your happiness in life. Not your DW, not I, nor anyone else.

 

You try and live your life through and for another person? Your going to disappointed each and every time.

 

Be it your spouse, your children, your parents, your boss, whoever!

 

A common mistake most men make in relationships is in being the "provider" while neglecting to being the "validation" and all else.

 

They to the exclusion of all else ~ worry about succeeding, providing, climbing up the food chain or the corporate ladder.

 

And women are aware of all that, and that your job is important for their and the family's welfare.

 

But what you have to understand is that women need and want you to make them each and everyday the reason for living.

 

This is part societal and culturally induced ~ but its also partly innate to being a woman. To meeting and understanding the wants and need of a woman.

 

Trust me! I've read a lot of books about women, relationships, marriage, men & women, romance, seduction, sex etc. And it was when I read "How To Manage Your Woman ~ Get To Know Her! that I had an "Aha" moment.

 

It dove-tailed preciously with other books I've read, "Men Are From Mars and Women Are From Venus" , "When Mars and Venus Collide", "Why Men Don't Have A Clue, and Women Need Another Pair of Shoes" , Light Her Fire" , and many others.

 

 

Any and all women are the same ~ but they're each and uniquely separate and different. Treat them and interact with them as such ~ and you cannot go wrong. (Well for the most part ~ they're always are going to be uniquely sepearate and different indiviuals)

 

And your always going to get "bitch-tested" with such questions as "Does my @zz look big in this?"

 

The answer is ~ "Baby your my Girl and you look better than any woman in anything you wear!"

[JLoves]

I'm guessing this is the up part of the rollercoaster, but I'm gonna enjoy it while I can.

 

Been a while since we both posted. RL getting in the way as usual.

 

Keep enjoying it while you have the chance. I'd say keep it cool and calm.

 

If she thinks you are going to jump in head first the first time she smiles at you, then it's not going to work.

 

Can't wait to see what happens in 3 months in my life.. Joy.. Ride that bus when it arrives I think.

 

Keep up the good work..

[tnttim]

 

To the OP you've hit the nail on the head with some of your latest posts. And your response has been most excellent in regards to your DW.

 

Thank you, I can see the results

 

In short? She's "Bitch-testing" you and has been for quite sometime now. You and her have suffered an emotional disconnect ~ she knew it ~ you didn't.

 

Or I should say she "sensed it" and you didn't. Thus the "I've lost my love for you and passion for you.

 

I did sense it, I just reacted the wrong way. I came closer instead of moving further away. The rubberband technique.

 

And your always going to get "bitch-tested" with such questions as "Does my @zz look big in this?"

 

The answer is ~ "Baby your my Girl and you look better than any woman in anything you wear!"

 

Wrong, the answer is "yes your ass looks big in those jeans." It leaves the door open for your next comment. "But you know how I feel about big butts." You have to always agree with her negativity, if not she will shut out whatever you say. Since you left the door open you can then add what you want to say. But you have to let her think about her response, not a direct yes or no at this point. "you know how I feel about big butts." doesn't give a yes or no answer, she has to figure it out. You call it a game, and your right. Life is one game after another, get used to it, and then become a master at it, I say. I will definitely read that book. I will also keep you guys updated, thanks for the support.

[tnttim]

I guess I got what I wanted, do I still want it? This question swirls around my head daily. I'm still here so I guess the answer is yes. The trust issue is going to blow up between me and her eventually, I can feel it. She is being very transparent, and I have stopped snooping on her, but I know I'll have to check once in a while to make sure. Right now I'm just trying to keep things moving forward, and they are. I still live a day at a time, and future plans are still on hold in my mind. It's like I'm lost, but I know which way west is, so I'm traveling in that general direction. I'm sleeping with my wife again, and we talk like we used too, so for now I'm happy. I hope some of you can learn from my experience. I feel like I accomplished what many people on here are or were trying to do, in a very short time. I love helping people out, especially in really tough spots, so please don't be afraid to ask.

[JLoves]

Good to hear you are keeping on top of things. Better to know where you want to go than floundering getting no where.

 

Right now you are both walking around on eggshells trying to do the right thing by each other. The hard part is when complacency starts kicking in.

 

Don't stop checking up on her. You might find out something you don't want to know, but unless you do know then you can't act on it. Better to know early than let the 'what if' or 'is she' questions fester in your head.

 

The most positive thing is that it seems that both of you want to work on your relationship. Thats something that 99% of the people on here want to happen. Unfortunately most partners just want out, leaving the suffering one behind to pick up the pieces.

 

I'm happy your getting back on track.. Don't stop trying.. Thats when it all falls down.

[seibert253]

I guess I got what I wanted, do I still want it? This question swirls around my head daily. I'm still here so I guess the answer is yes. The trust issue is going to blow up between me and her eventually, I can feel it. She is being very transparent, and I have stopped snooping on her, but I know I'll have to check once in a while to make sure. Right now I'm just trying to keep things moving forward, and they are. I still live a day at a time, and future plans are still on hold in my mind. It's like I'm lost, but I know which way west is, so I'm traveling in that general direction. I'm sleeping with my wife again, and we talk like we used too, so for now I'm happy. I hope some of you can learn from my experience. I feel like I accomplished what many people on here are or were trying to do, in a very short time. I love helping people out, especially in really tough spots, so please don't be afraid to ask.

 

TN:

You're doing GREAT. The path to healing is a long and bumpy one. By all means keep checking on her. Each time you do, and nothing is there, is another test and she gets an A+

As far as trust, well in some instances it never returns fully. I'm over 2 years out, and well frankly I don't think I will ever fully trust my W again. I'm about 80% now, but I know it will never be 100. Some get there, others of us don't. But in most respects our M is better than ever.

 

Peace and good luck

[tnttim]

Thanks for the hope, not too many people on here offer it. I think even if I found a new woman, I wouldn't trust that b*tch either. I can safely say I'm back to my baseline level of trust, which is theoretical terms is 100%. New Years was a blast with my family, I do not regret sticking it out so far, ahh the dreaded so far.

[2.50 a gallon]

I was once like you and thought that there was no way that I could ever trust any woman again.

 

Thankfully with time I was able to heal and have learned to trust again, but in my case it was with somebody new.

 

As to trusting your wife, this is something the two of you will have to work on. It can be done, as I have seen it. I have even heard from some that their marriage is stronger, as they are both have first hand experience of the bad that can happen.

 

From your thread it appears that you are heading down this path and this is something that you want. So go for it. It can be done

 

It is like breaking a bone, it takes a long time to heal, and then once healed it takes even longer for it to regain its former strength

 

Luck to you in the New Year, keep the faith

[tnttim]

Yesterday was W's B day and we went out to celebrate. 5 months ago it was the last thing I thought I would be doing. Don't get me wrong, it's what I wanted to do, even back then, but never thought it was possible. Well, she got wasted and started talking to my friend about how she f*cked me over, and how sorry she was, and how happy I took her back. Then we got home she said the same to me, and also that she wished she could get the last 6 months back. I can tell she really really loves me again, maybe more than ever, I can feel it. It's so crazy but I still fear when the loves gone what the hell am going to do? Do I do what I did to get her back? Do I even bother the next time? I know all these questions will be begging for answers soon.

[Gunny376]

You crack me up~ you really do!'' JHC! What do I do now? I got her back! I saved my marriage?

 

Well first off you priortize her, your relationship with her, your marriage.

 

You re-define almost daily what your marriage and your relationship is about. (Hint its not about money, keeping up with the Jones', material things)

 

You re-define what your carrer goals and objectives are? (Hint its not about climbing up the food chain nor about climbing the corporate ladder)

 

Its about HER!

 

Its about ONE woman loving ONE man.

 

And ONE man loving ONE man!

 

Its quite simple really!

 

Mama's not Happy?

 

No one's Happy!

 

Its not such a bad trade off!

 

Men liike making women happy and satisfied, and women like their mates appreciated for such.

[tnttim]

Gunny I know I sound like a broken record of a whinny 4 year old. This sh*t gets scary sometimes, and I use this post to vent my fears, and show my appreciation to others. My second point is that at least now I'm scared and aware of my mistakes. When we seperated I was so complacent, I thought I had her no matter what. I let the little things add up, and resented her.

I really appreciate your straight forward honesty, it's the best way to give advise. Nope Gunny don't sugar coat Sh*t. Thanks for telling me to put my boots on and be a f*cking soldier.

[floridapad]

I have a question for both Seibert and TNTtim. How deep and long lasting were your wifes affairs? I'm waffling on all out Homer advice or just go complete NC in the tradition of plan B for marriage builders. My wifes affair was very deep, but she is also in counseling because she is in depression. Unfortunately she also works at the same school with the OM. I think I am leaning towards Homer's approach because I dabbled with it and his approach truly made ME feel better. It's tough to put in practice though when the W throws curveballas at you every now and then. Sorry for jacking your thread TNT.

[tnttim]

The Homer way is the only way for 1 main reason, it works for either outcome. It teaches you to become a better person in any relationship, even work. The main focus is changing yourself, and when you do that you will notice everyone treating you better in return. It helps with dealing with fights also, you understand that the person who apologizes to you is the real loser in the fight. It also helps you to realize the difference between wants and needs.

All I know about my wife's A was that is was way more important than anything except the kids. I've read posts of women leaving small children behind to go live with OM. She definitely didn't give a f*ck about me though. I don't know your story, but I know 1 thing. Reading that book and moving on will help both outcomes. If you stay under her thumb and always be there for her, she will keep you around in case things with OM don't work out. Show your independence and move on, then you will see if she wants you back.

[tnttim]

It's tough to put in practice though when the W throws curveballas at you every now and then. Sorry for jacking your thread TNT.

 

what curveballs is she throwing at you?

[floridapad]

OM is out of the picture but she works with him so he is partially in the picture. They have no more contact and I can verify that.

 

Curveballs? Well for one she wants to make sure I know she is not dating anyone. Huh? Why should that matter. I think she knows because if she is dating someone then I'll pull back and go NC. When we talk she facilates between being completely indifferent and then other times she teases me and jokes around. (Yesterday I had ketchup on my jeans when I picked up the kids and she said with a sly smile, oh whats that on your jeans..lipstick). She is a VERY stubborn woman and I am afraid she has been telling everyone and there mother that will listen that she is done with me and will never return. Then why not file the divorce?? I'm in the LC mode right now where I won't call her unless she calls first. I keep it light.

[tnttim]

OM is out of the picture but she works with him so he is partially in the picture. They have no more contact and I can verify that.

 

Curveballs? ompletely indifferent and then other times she teases me and jokes around. (Yesterday I had ketchup on my jeans when I picked up the kids and she said with a sly smile, oh whats that on your jeans..lipstick).

how did you respond to her comment?

[nobmagnet]

i would have said " yep" and turned tail and walked away with a giggle!

 

hahahh

 

nob x

[floridapad]

Yeah I did the opposite of what Homer would have said. I said "no its ketchup." I know I should have said "yes it is lipstick". Her comment just took me way off guard. She really wants me to date. I think to alleviate her guilt and take the pressure off of us reconciling. I was putting a bit of pressure on her a few weeks ago and now I have just let it go and started to move forward. I have been facilating between different approaches and it's time to get consistent. I just got the Homer book a month ago and need to read it like the bible. I do find it helps me. Dating has a helped a bit and I am letting go farely quickly now, with occassional backslides.

[tnttim]

we all backslide and have doubts about what we could or should have done, it's all natural responses. The best thing to do is not beat yourself up about what you could have done. Ypur response was fine, I was just wondering how you responded. I too would have said yes in a joking tone. Just keep doing what your doing, your on the right track. Yes you should have already read that book 5 times by now, it's your bible now remember. The book will give you the tools to move on, you just have to use the techniques in the book. Your doing great, be happy, most are stuck in the rut of blaming the other person soully for the break up, but it takes 2 to tango. Fix your flaws and your next relationship, possibly with your wife, will vastly improve if you read that book. Good luck.

[D Day]

I feel you i am trying so hard my H does the same thing and catches me off guard so i am trying to find the book that everybody is talking about good luck:(

[tnttim]

D day You can read the 180 post, its a watered down version of the homer technique. If you have any specific questions, feel free to ask me. I might be able to help.

[thefirstwife]

I had the same thing happen to me. Texting is the new outlet for cheating. Hang in there and be strong. Take care of yourself and move on.

 

Good-Luck...........

[tnttim]

I had the same thing happen to me. Texting is the new outlet for cheating. Hang in there and be strong. Take care of yourself and move on.

 

Good-Luck...........

 

who are you talking to