She is no longer attracted to me, feels trapped in the relationship and has cheated

[moonshae]

My common-law and I are high-school sweethearts, and have been together for about 12 years.

 

We have had an inactive sex life for the past few years. It is good on and off, but mostly off.

 

I recently found out that she was spending alot of time with another man, who was an acquaintance of mine, and that she had kissed him.

 

I am terribly hurt and upset by this. She says that everything is now broken off, but she also admitted that she is no longer physically attracted to me, and that she feels trapped in our relationship.

 

I love her to death. She says she loves me, but no longer in a romantic way. I am willing to do anything to make her feel good and rekindle the fire. I know that if it can happen it will be a long painful process, and am willing to endure this.

 

I believe that she has self-image and mild depression issues that need to be addressed. I believe that it has been there for a long time, and I didn't know how to help her deal with it properly, and now I think whatever our relationship issue is stems from these problems. I probably have my own issues as well, in fact I am sure I do, but am unable to pinpoint them and have been too scared to consult professional help in the past. I think I am lacking self-confidence among other things.

 

She has agreed to go to a councillor with me, as a friend, but doesn't think that this relationship can be saved. I don't want her to feel trapped into the relationship, I don't want her to be depressed, or cheat again, but I also don't want to give up without knowing that WE have done everything to try to save us.

 

Can I convince my one and only to try? Should I, or am I just going to make her more trapped? Please help!

Edited October 16, 2009 by moonshae

[carhill]

Sounds pretty familiar. Lots of other threads with this same theme. Walkaway wife syndrome.

 

She's probably not 'broken things off' completely.

 

Get the counseling for yourself and improve yourself. Be prepared to walk away.

 

My sympathies....

[Dexter Morgan]

moonshae....nuff said. dump her. cause she will eventually dump you anyway.

 

besides, she is a cheater...why the hell would you want that?

[LucreziaBorgia]

At the point the most humane thing you can do for the both of you is to let go. Letting go is painful, but that pain is nothing compared to what it will be if you stay or try to make her stay.

[moonshae]

Why would I want her? Because I love this girl. I have been with her for close to half my life, she is my best friend. We are both very very close with each others familys. She has done so many good things for me, and vice versa.

 

I am sure that the affair is no longer going on, and I know she is ashamed of her mistakes and wants to take corrective action with herself mentally.

 

Is there any chance that this can be saved? She doesnt think so, and is so emotionally wrecked that she doesn't want to try. I can barely focus on my life. I am devestated. No one has ever cut me so deeply.

 

I think my house will be on the market by next week. This entire situation is not only destroying me emotionally, but also is going to hurt financially. We have to find a way to divide our personal and real property. I don't know how to deal with all of this.

 

Am I the only one in the world who thinks that this can be rekindled? If there is ANY chance that this can be repaired I would take it, but I know right now she isn't interested. If only I could try to get some professional help for both of us, then I would know.

[eyeswide]

Why don't you ask her if she'll at least agree to a few sessions of marriage counseling? It sounds like you may go into it with different desired outcomes - you wanting to reconcile, her wanting to end the relationship - but a good MC can facilitate you both finding common ground no matter what the two of you end up deciding, i.e. ending it or trying to rebuild.

 

Good luck. This is devastating, I know. I'll bet you a pony that she's so clouded up with guilt (especially over the parts she hasn't told you yet) that she can't see clearly to her own feelings. It happened to me.

[LakesideDream]

Moon, Listen to Carhill, he's been there. I been there too... it's "walk away wife time". I'm sorry. I know it's going to hurt like hell.

 

Time will heal, it always does. Take care.

[moonshae]

I have suggested councilling. She said she is willing to go to councilling together, but not as a couple.

 

She realizes that she needs help, but doesn't believe a MC can help us. I am trying like crazy.

[carhill]

Did she explain what 'together but not as a couple' means? Ah, NVM.... like I said, get some IC for yourself. Things will become clear.

[Fallen Angel]

In my opinion, there is hope here. I think that with work you may be able to save this relationship.

 

I think MC might be very helpful, and IC for each of you as well.

 

I think for the most part, when a woman has any type of affair she is looking for an emotional connection. If you have been feeling distant from each other that is where you need to start trying to reconnect.

 

Women want to be listened to, REALLY HEARD. We want to have our feelings validated. We want to feel important to you. We want to feel special. We want to feel that you respect us, and our opinions, and that you care about what we feel.

 

In my opinion, if she was straying it may be because she was not feeling those things. This is NOT TO SAY YOU WEREN'T DOING THEM! Just that SHE may not have felt like you were. Sometimes we just don't see what is right there in front of us.

 

She may be suffering from a lack of self esteem or a perceived lack of validation, and when another man boosted her ego, it made her feel good. But those are HER ISSUES, and she needs to be the one to work on them.

 

You suffering from a lack of self confidence may also cause her to have a lack of confidence in you. Leading her to question a lifetime commitment to someone who doesn't think he himself is worthy. (Would YOU feel safe with someone who was planning your life but was unsure they could do it?)

 

IC should be where you start, when you both feel "worthy", you will start to see each others worth again as well. (If you tell the boss you are only worth a five cent raise, why would he ever give you a five dollar raise? )

 

Anyway, I think you should just be honest with her, admit that you have both made some mistakes, tell her that you love her, and you want to try to make it work, so that you don't end up ten years from now wondering what may have been. Tell her you love her enough to want to try everything you can, before you give up on a relationship that you had BOTH at one time thought you wanted for a lifetime.

 

Good Luck!

[boogieboy]

Right now you need to stay as far away from her as you can. She has to miss you. She doesnt want to work this out because she doesnt miss you, and you two are probably always in each others faces. She wants the feeling in her stomach of new love. All you can do is stay away from her and let her miss you. Maybe try staying completely oput of contact for a month. Stay at a hotel, whatever you have to do. I dont think councelling will help rekindle anything, missing you might, but dont count on it. Its you only hope. Let her be on her own for a while, where she has no choice, and cannot get in touch with you, then you might have a chance. Maybe eve two or 3 months.

[The Midnight Rider]

This is jacked up on so many levels, I don't even know where to start. She says that she is not in love with you in a romantic way and that she feels trapped. When people say stuff like this, they may as well just toss a grenade in your car while your driving by. You two were high school sweethearts and have been together for twelve years. She may be curious about what she may have missed not experiencing no other love but yours. The "what-ifs" can sneak into a marriage and flat out torpedo it especially if you've been together since high school where you barely knew what sex was let alone what love was. I hate to say this, bro, but she may have just outgrown you. If you can get her into counseling, at least you may be able to find out if this is salvageable or not. Be ready for whatever happens. I wish you luck, friend.

[MadMission]

An affair is like tasting of the good wine.

Once you have the good stuff, it is hard to go back to the old wine.

She probably felt like she was living a dream with this OM...every moment with him being made to feel special, important, valued, sexy, wonderful, beautiful, etc.....a dynamic which is unrealistic and impossible to sustain 100% of the time in a 'real' relationship.

 

Even if you give it all you have and kick it up a bit, it will never match the 'high' an A provides.

 

Your gf would benefit from IC because it may be a place where she can learn this distinction so that she does not continue to believe that by staying with you, she is missing out on a real relationship with another man which will have this affair-quality. It will not.

 

I am not saying that it is impossible to rekindle passion and connection, etc...I am just saying that you will never be able to duplicate an A in a real relationship. She needs to learn and understand this.

 

If and when she does, there will be hope for reconcilliation in your relationship.

 

Go to therapy together if she is willing.

 

Just know that often when a partner checks-out of a relationship...that they have really gone and will likely never return.

It is sad because it sounds like she has known for some time...but that you never got the memo.

Had she been open and honest with you when she first started feeling disilusioned in your relationship, you may have been able to take action then to get things back on track.

It just may be too late now.

But, maybe not.

 

I wish you all the best.

[Fallen Angel]

It never ceases to amaze me that if a woman asks if she can save her relationship, she gets encouragement and understanding, a man asks same thing everyone tries to tell him there is no hope move on.. UGH

 

I stand by what I said, there is hope.

[Untouchable_Fire]

It never ceases to amaze me that if a woman asks if she can save her relationship, she gets encouragement and understanding, a man asks same thing everyone tries to tell him there is no hope move on.. UGH

I stand by what I said, there is hope.

 

Men are more likely to come back and try to save a marriage.

 

When a woman wants out... it's over. Remember women file for divorce in over 75% of the cases.

[Fallen Angel]

Men are more likely to come back and try to save a marriage.

 

When a woman wants out... it's over. Remember women file for divorce in over 75% of the cases.

 

 

In my opinion though, most women try for a very long time before they give up.

 

Hell, I tried for 15 YEARS before I gave up on my alcoholic/drug addict/ physically and mentally abusive/serial cheater of a husband!

[Chrome Barracuda]

To the OP, bottom line is this is no relationship where you are loved equally. you guys arent married, and possibly got no kids (I hope). As sad as this situation is, look at the bright side. You can find someone else and start over. Even you said it from your first post you guys havent had sex in like what 4-5 yrs??? WTF kind of relationship is this?

 

You need to get some heart and drop her, you dont want to beg a woman to come back, if all you did is give and give and it still isnt good enough, then what the hell! the problem isnt with you! it's her! it's time to cancel her ass and get some new, new.

 

Trust me in the long run if you guys dont get back together, then your gonna look back and realize you wasted your time with a woman you never married. And dont give me that common law crap. No papers or no ring, you guys are or was in a commited relationship, but never married. So therefore, nothing is holding you back from moving on except yourself.

[Angel1111]

This is the problem with the high school sweetheart relationships and why few of them survive. Neither of you ever really got a chance to explore your growth into adulthood freely, and you never got a chance to learn who you were as people. That may be ok with you, but for some people this is a true stumbling block. I experienced something very similar when I was in my teens because I came from a protective family and religion, and went right into a marriage at a young age. For my personality type, this was my worst nightmare. And even though I tried to make our marriage work, he simply would not and could not grow in the same direction that I grew. It seemed he was stuck in the past, and I was living in the future. I could not possibly have known the kind of man I wanted to be with at that age because I didn't even have a chance to explore the world or my own personality fully. I continually felt unfufilled. Looking back, I now can see that we never had a snowball's chance in hades.

 

I don't know if this is what your wife is going through or not, but I suspect it is. There's not a lot you can do about it, unless the two of you learn to grow together and allow one another a huge amount of personal space. Plus the fact that you aren't married is another issue - what that says is 'let's not really commit, but we'll kinda call it that. it'll be like a marriage but it really isn't and i'm free and you're free'. Relationships cannot survive while riding the fence. I hope the two of you can work it out.

Edited October 18, 2009 by Angel1111

[jany]

Don't give up - there is definitely hope. There will always be ups and downs in a marriage and if both parties are willing to give it another try, they should definitely seek a counselor. I am not sure why some people on this board are so willing to ask posters to just give it up or walk away. Do they realize the consequences of saying something like this to people who are truly seeking advice for their marriage?

 

Moonshae: Only you know what's best for you and your marriage. Every situation is different and take what people here say with a grain of salt. Wishing you all the best.

[Untouchable_Fire]

In my opinion though, most women try for a very long time before they give up.

Hell, I tried for 15 YEARS before I gave up on my alcoholic/drug addict/ physically and mentally abusive/serial cheater of a husband!

 

I've seen that too. Improving a relationship often requires a change of strategy from time to time. I don't think many people do that.

 

Bottom line is... It's often pointless to try and help a guy get his wife back on this board. All the probabilities are stacked against him. Plus the system is designed to highly favor women financially in divorces. If someone paid me to end a relationship... it would be very hard to talk me out of it as well.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Don't give up - there is definitely hope. There will always be ups and downs in a marriage and if both parties are willing to give it another try, they should definitely seek a counselor. I am not sure why some people on this board are so willing to ask posters to just give it up or walk away. Do they realize the consequences of saying something like this to people who are truly seeking advice for their marriage?

Moonshae: Only you know what's best for you and your marriage. Every situation is different and take what people here say with a grain of salt. Wishing you all the best.

 

That's bad advice. If he walks away... he is more likely to get his wife back than if he acts like a puss trying to get her back.

 

When the guys here on this board give advice like that... it's because we know what works and what is a waste of time. When a woman says she isn't attracted to you anymore... the vast majority of times... that is code for "I'm seeing someone else". Go back and reread the initial post. Think about it.

[Fallen Angel]

All the probabilities are stacked against him. .

 

As a WOMAN, I would have to disagree. As you know by now I always give the advice of a man being a MAN, and Itell women to be more feminine and act like WOMEN instead of having to be in charge all the time. So I am with you that he needs to stand up and have a back bone here, but I think that women in love don't fall out of love as quickly as men seem to, and that if he tries (with confidence, not a whiney "pity me" attitude) that there is hope for this relationship.

[MrFun]

If you ask me. I'd just ignore it.

 

Looking back to my relationship with my ex (who also cheated on me) instead of trying and talking and discussing I wish I had just ignored it all.

 

Just go out, lift weights, start hanging around with people and women. When she wants to talk about it, tell her that you'd like to, just after the game with the guys or the boating trip with your sports club. Put her where she belongs once and for all, i.e. third place, behind yourself, behind your mates, behind your children.

 

Just go to her when you want sex and leave it at that.

 

It's her emotions that she cheated, let her deal with them as well. You're hurt, fair enough, but don't mope around too long. IT WAS A SUCKER PUNCH you couldn't have seen coming.

 

Once you regain your own value and status, she will breakdown. They always do.

[moonshae]

the fact that you aren't married is another issue - what that says is 'let's not really commit, but we'll kinda call it that. it'll be like a marriage but it really isn't and i'm free and you're free'. Relationships cannot survive while riding the fence.

 

I gave up on the forum for a while and decided to just go to get professional help.

 

Do you really honestly believe your quote? I guess its a different lifestyle... you are probably a religious person, and I am not. That doesn't make me any less committed.

 

Also, to the person who said move on, common-law is an excuse; really it isn't any different. We are now split up and she is taking half my ****. It is really no different.

[Dexter Morgan]

Can I convince my one and only to try? Should I, or am I just going to make her more trapped? Please help!

 

if she cheated, then she isn't your one and only.

 

I'm going to tell you something, and you may not like it, but it comes from experience.

 

I too once felt desperate when someone cheated on me long ago. I didn't think I'd find someone better(wrong), I felt less like a man because I was cheated on(wrong) and acted like a lovesick lapdog and showed her that she had me wrapped around her little finger.

 

You are doing the same thing. She isn't attracted to you anymore. Doesn't mean you aren't attractive, she just has her own problem with committment.

 

You are being a lapdog for her and you are acting like someone who is desperate and I can tell you that you aren't thinking correctly.

 

I know it hurts, I know its devestating, believe me, I know. But you need to get out and be with some friends. Which is what I did. They helped me to see that she isn't the only girl out there, and if she has cheated, she isn't a girl that is worth 2 squirts of piss.

 

You need to stand up, brush yourself off and realize, she isn't worth it and is absolutely NOTHING to cry over and bend over backwards for.

 

There are great women out there, there is one for you. Let the cheater be some other poor saps problem.