She is no longer attracted to me, feels trapped in the relationship and has cheated

[Dexter Morgan]

Don't give up - there is definitely hope. There will always be ups and downs in a marriage and if both parties are willing to give it another try, they should definitely seek a counselor. I am not sure why some people on this board are so willing to ask posters to just give it up or walk away.

 

maybe you didn't read his story close enough. first off, they aren't married.

 

second, she has told him she isn't attracted to him anymore. thats the death kiss right there. she has cheated because she wants to bone someone that she finds attractive. not saying he isn't attractive, but there are fickle people out there that lose attraction for someone simply because they aren't a new conquest every other month.

[Chrome Barracuda]

How could she take half of your crap!!!

 

YOU GUYS ARENT MARRIED, WHAT STATE ARE YOU IN? DID YOU GET A LAWYER?

 

That's insane. and you know what at the end of the day. You'll be better off. You'll realize you was wasting your life and time. Now that you guys are split is someone else on the scene for her?

 

I'm telling you, dont go begging no female to come back, and trust I would have followed my options she wouldnt be getting nothing. I mean nothing, we're not legally married why the hell does she deserve anything! legally she isnt under your unsurance or beneficiary, you guys didnt buy a house together. then what is there to split. Alimony? lol.

Edited November 24, 2009 by Chrome Barracuda

[Samantha0905]

Why would I want her? Because I love this girl. I have been with her for close to half my life, she is my best friend. We are both very very close with each others familys. She has done so many good things for me, and vice versa.

 

I am sure that the affair is no longer going on, and I know she is ashamed of her mistakes and wants to take corrective action with herself mentally.

 

Is there any chance that this can be saved? She doesnt think so, and is so emotionally wrecked that she doesn't want to try. I can barely focus on my life. I am devestated. No one has ever cut me so deeply.

 

I think my house will be on the market by next week. This entire situation is not only destroying me emotionally, but also is going to hurt financially. We have to find a way to divide our personal and real property. I don't know how to deal with all of this.

 

Am I the only one in the world who thinks that this can be rekindled? If there is ANY chance that this can be repaired I would take it, but I know right now she isn't interested. If only I could try to get some professional help for both of us, then I would know.

 

No you are not the only one who thinks it can be rekindled.

 

I'm speaking from the other side of your problem -- 27 years of marriage -- dated 6 years before that (met at 14 years old/him 15). I moved into an apartment six months ago and am moving back into my home with my husband on Monday. Obviously, there is not 100% success yet with rekindling things, but we are trying. If she wants to try, that's a big step.

 

I believe you when you say she sincerely regrets the affair. I do regret mine.

 

Many people will say "love" was never there or has ended if someone has an affair. I have never stopped loving my husband, although I did feel lonely and like sexual attraction wasn't there. I'm open to trying to find it and we are making positive steps forward in the last month towards reconnecting.

 

If she's agreeing to counseling in any form, I think she's willing to try -- regardless of how she says she feels right now. It will either help the two of you to start working towards things together or help you to work your way through separating. But Hell yes -- after that many years together -- it's worth all the effort you're willing to put into it.

 

I'm sorry for the pain you are experiencing.

 

I have suggested councilling. She said she is willing to go to councilling together, but not as a couple.

 

She realizes that she needs help, but doesn't believe a MC can help us. I am trying like crazy.

 

Well, it sounds like counseling would be beneficial for both of you.

 

 

Women want to be listened to, REALLY HEARD. We want to have our feelings validated. We want to feel important to you. We want to feel special. We want to feel that you respect us, and our opinions, and that you care about what we feel.

 

In my opinion, if she was straying it may be because she was not feeling those things. This is NOT TO SAY YOU WEREN'T DOING THEM! Just that SHE may not have felt like you were. Sometimes we just don't see what is right there in front of us.

 

All of this is definitely true.

 

 

Anyway, I think you should just be honest with her, admit that you have both made some mistakes, tell her that you love her, and you want to try to make it work, so that you don't end up ten years from now wondering what may have been. Tell her you love her enough to want to try everything you can, before you give up on a relationship that you had BOTH at one time thought you wanted for a lifetime.

 

Good Luck!

Communication is key! I like this suggestion also. I think people -- many times -- forget how important communication, attention -- intimacy -- is when they are in long term relationships. Also, "communication" is interpreted very differently at times by women and men. It's important to hash things out to figure out each other's true needs.

 

This is jacked up on so many levels, I don't even know where to start. She says that she is not in love with you in a romantic way and that she feels trapped. When people say stuff like this, they may as well just toss a grenade in your car while your driving by. You two were high school sweethearts and have been together for twelve years. She may be curious about what she may have missed not experiencing no other love but yours. The "what-ifs" can sneak into a marriage and flat out torpedo it especially if you've been together since high school where you barely knew what sex was let alone what love was. I hate to say this, bro, but she may have just outgrown you. If you can get her into counseling, at least you may be able to find out if this is salvageable or not. Be ready for whatever happens. I wish you luck, friend.

 

This is true so true. People change so much over the years. People used to stick it out regardless, but now there is such a trend towards abandoning ship and seeking personal happiness if it's lacking.

 

It seems it would be even easier if the two people aren't married. Just guessing there......

 

 

Men are more likely to come back and try to save a marriage.

 

When a woman wants out... it's over. Remember women file for divorce in over 75% of the cases.

 

This is statistically true, but just as a ray of hope -- I'm female and am trying to save my marriage after I had an affair and separated from my spouse for six months.

 

 

To the OP -- good luck to you. Definitely do the counseling. It will help you tremendously if she continues along this track.

 

I hope things work out for the best for both of you.

Edited November 25, 2009 by Samantha0905

[Samantha0905]

I gave up on the forum for a while and decided to just go to get professional help.

 

Do you really honestly believe your quote? I guess its a different lifestyle... you are probably a religious person, and I am not. That doesn't make me any less committed.

 

Also, to the person who said move on, common-law is an excuse; really it isn't any different. We are now split up and she is taking half my ****. It is really no different.

 

Oops -- sorry -- just saw this post.

 

I'm sorry you've had to go through this. I hope seeing a counselor is helping you?

[Baroness67]

I had many moments where I also believed my marriage was not going to come back (after the whole "I love you but we are good friends" speech). It has been a long 2 years since the craziness started.

 

There were three basic things that helped turn things around for me:

 

1. individual counseling so that I was able to move from not being sure I could go on without him, to being confident that I could survive without him, to actually having days where I preferred being alone. Counseling also involved accepting that I had zero control, no matter what I did, over what my husband did.

 

2. I decided to view the marriage from the "for better or worse" proposition. Once I took this stance, I was able to move from feeling like the victim in the marriage to feeling like the strong one - i.e., I told him that I had once promised to love and cherish him always, and if that meant that I would have to endure his needing to have an affair, live apart for a while and put our romance on a shelf, that even if it hurt me deeply, I was willing to do that for him, because that was my job - to help him through life even when I didn't understand what he was going through. (By the way, this surprised him.)

 

3. I followed through on number 2 religiously. Did not communicate with him romantically, did not follow up on whether he came home at night or not, I kept in touch with him regarding the kids and necessaries only. I made plans with my friends and took two vacations with the kids without him. (I invited him, but when he declined, I said that was fine and did not say another word about it either time.)

 

When I stopped making myself an "obstacle", he stopped treating me as if I were one.

 

When I stopped fighting with him, I have a feeling that the girlfriend continued to push him.

 

I have a feeling he had the girlfriend over to our empty house while I was gone - and while I will never know for sure, I think seeing her in our house with me and the kids gone struck a chord with him.

 

I had dinner ready each night and the house was clean (and it was cleaner because I started treating the house as "my" house, not "our" house).

 

I asked each night which bed he wanted to sleep in - and I made that bed for him without a word.

 

In short, I gave him space. I also did not roll over and play victim. I vented online anonymously when I needed to. I vented as little as possible to friends and neighbors and family. I gave him room to come home.

 

Yesterday we drove as a family to Thanksgiving, and after two previous T-Days where he made himself scarce, this time he came over and sat with me, and held my hand under the table. I was so surprised. I had actually forgotten that's what we used to do.

 

I'm not stupid, I still understand things will probably never go back to what they were ... things have to be different (I know I am), but you'd be surprised at how little things have to do with you ... it's her problem. Not helpful when you are in the bad stages, it all hurts like hell, but you can take care of yourself.

 

As a start, best advice, if you can, is to let her go with as little argument as possible. She will stop struggling in the "trap" she imagines if she is given a green light to come or go as she pleases - that will take some wind out of the sails of an affair right away. Once they realize they really can do anything they want to do, they will finally figure out what they actually want to do. Kind of like catching your kid with a cigarette. Instead of punishing them, surprise them by handing them the pack and walking away.

 

You never know.

[moonshae]

How could she take half of your crap!!!

 

YOU GUYS ARENT MARRIED, WHAT STATE ARE YOU IN? DID YOU GET A LAWYER?

 

 

Um, yeah actually she is my beneficiary, we own a house together, and everything else. I am not in the USA. Where I live the religious portion is the only difference. She also is talking about alimony. This will likley haunt me for many years financially.

[Heroic]

Hell drive her over to the other guys house and buy him a ring to give her....

[carhill]

OP, as you both have been together most of your adult lives and built those lives and 'wealth' together, it's only fair that you both should share in those fruits if you break up. However, unless she is disabled, she can work and should not need to receive alimony. I'd push for equitable distribution and no alimony.

 

The counseling will help if you want it to. It will focus you and clarify a lot of the emotions, IME. Best wishes

[threebyfate]

moonshae, unless you live in a jurisdiction that recognizes common-law as a defined time clocked off like one or two years, or have filed as a common-law marriage, you don't owe her an equitable settlement. Do some research on your jurisdiction and then, go see a good lawyer.

 

I'm assuming there are no children involved, since you haven't mentioned any.

[moonshae]

I'm acually OK with splitting all of our possessions. We collected them togeher, so it's only fair.

 

The unfortunate thing is she is now living with the guy she cheated with. He was in prison for abuse his own wife, and now she lives with him? WTF that is, I don't know, but I can't wait to get all my paper work sorted out and stop dealing with this garbage.

 

None of it makes sense... but it's definitly time for me to move on because even if she came back, I don't know how I would find it in me to forgive.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I'm acually OK with splitting all of our possessions. We collected them togeher, so it's only fair.

The unfortunate thing is she is now living with the guy she cheated with. He was in prison for abuse his own wife, and now she lives with him? WTF that is, I don't know, but I can't wait to get all my paper work sorted out and stop dealing with this garbage.

None of it makes sense... but it's definitly time for me to move on because even if she came back, I don't know how I would find it in me to forgive.

 

I told you already that she had made up her mind.

 

She felt bad that she was cheating on you... but that's not going to stop her... it doesn't stop any woman.

 

Like you said... just move on. Do whatever you can to avoid paying more money for this. If you have to pay alimony... then you live in a stupid country... and I will laugh at any man I see from there.

[AmIParanoid]

The unfortunate thing is she is now living with the guy she cheated with. He was in prison for abuse his own wife, and now she lives with him? WTF that is, I don't know, but I can't wait to get all my paper work sorted out and stop dealing with this garbage.

 

None of it makes sense... but it's definitly time for me to move on because even if she came back, I don't know how I would find it in me to forgive.

 

 

Sorry to tell you that your ex is crazy, QED.

[moonshae]

Wow... 14 years later a podcast about relationships made me think of this post.

Since that time, everything in my life just got better and better. Travelled the, met new people, new life experienxes, tried out a few new relationships, found one that works. A happy relationship, a supportive partner all led to career and financial success.

Guys, if any of you are in the position I was back then, just walk away. I promise you it isn't worth the hurt and agrivation. The poster up above that said I'm wasting my time and life - absolutely correct.

Chin up!

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, moonshae said:

.if any of you are in the position I was back then, just walk away. I promise you it isn't worth the hurt and agrivation. 

Good update. Agree that cutting loses sooner than later is a good approach. Unfortunately there's a lot of sunk cost fallacy in trying to resuscitate a relationship that's not working.

[JTSW]

Good to hear that you are doing great

Edited April 24, 2023 by JTSW

[Nowherenear]

So amazing to read this post you made in 2009 and you being so sad and now, so many years later, you come back to update us on your life. I'm very glad for you. How about your ex? How did her story with the ex prisoner go?