allhopelost Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 Here is an update from my initial post for those friends that have offered so much good advice through these forums. As you may recall, D day for me was Oct 4th. I had discovered that my W was in an affair with a person that she worked with and I was crushed. The details are in another thread. I struggled with the thought of kicking her out and moving on. On one hand that was all I could think about and yet I could not bring myself to treat the mother of my children with that much deliberate contempt. I immediately proposed marriage counseling and she was responsive to the idea. My biggest thing that I wanted, or rather demanded, was complete transparency about the relationship. I needed to know every detail, every occasion, the timeline, what I was doing when they would meet, everything. My imagination was running on overtime trying to put all the pieces together. While I knew in my heart that I wasn’t getting all the details, I decided to give her a couple days to think about what she had done and see if she would come to me and tell me in her words what had happened, no matter how painful those words would be. I put on a strong hat and showed her that I wasn’t going to take any of her lies and if she didn’t agree to become transparent, I was leaving. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, giving her the ultimatum. It wasn’t a direct threat like “You’re going to tell me or I’m leaving”, but more of an “In order for this to work…” approach. Last night, eleven days post D Day, I was picking Dust in the Wind on my guitar and she looked at me and confessed she was still lying to me. The gravity of the whole affair was finally, in my eyes, bearing down on her and she looked like she had fallen to rock bottom. I said nothing and let her continue to explain, on her own, without me asking questions or prying, what she had done. Her words pained me more that I was expecting, yet her openness and willingness in telling me the details in some small way comforted me. The one thing I was holding on to was that they had used protection, and she knew how important that was to me. So for her to have the courage to tell me she had lied about that, as painful as it was to hear, showed me that she was willing to accept the consequences of her actions at all costs, even if she believed the price of her confession would ruin our chances of reconciliation. She also told me that she had received one note, after NC was expressed, and elected not to show it to me. His first words were something “What’s your problem? You got a bug in your ass”, which really pissed her off. I expressed my conditions again that ANY and ALL contact is to be brought to me, regardless of the content and she was in no way to interact with the AP. I think she was afraid I would physically hurt him if he didn’t get the message and continued to initiate contact. We have been to three counseling sessions and have ordered some books to read that were suggested by our MC. We go again for our fourth session on Monday… Link to post Share on other sites
hopeful1980 Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 Good for you AHL! You sound like a different man than the one that posted before. Way to go! Link to post Share on other sites
Devil Inside Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 Good luck my friend. I hope that you two can put back the pieces. Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 AHL, you sound better than you did before. I hope that things work out for you. You should remember, that your kids and yourself come first. Remember also that until she is completely honest and transparent, you should not trust her at all, without proof. Never let yourself get into this position again. Link to post Share on other sites
JumpinJimmy Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 Good for you AHIL. Link to post Share on other sites
65tr6 Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 I expressed my conditions again that ANY and ALL contact is to be brought to me, regardless of the content and she was in no way to interact with the AP. OP, you are doing great. Be strong as you grieve the loss of your companionship. Remind her what the boundaries are. You are absolutely right in asking that any contact must be brought to your attention immediately. What did she do with that one note she got from the OM ? It is still early for you. Hang in there. And yes...verify when in doubt. Link to post Share on other sites
Author allhopelost Posted October 16, 2009 Author Share Posted October 16, 2009 She threw the note in the garbage, and unfortunately the garbage went out that day. I was pretty p!ssed that she didn't show it to me. I am still distrustful, and am trying to verify everything she tells me. I am still pretty wounded, though, and I know it will be a very long time untill we get to a place where we can subjectively look at this life altering experience without feeling the sharp stinging pain we are still feeling. We are scheduled to go in and be checked for STDs next week and I am praying that her indescretions haven't scarred us for life (physically). I know that the emotional scars will always be present, but will fade with time. My biggest concern, going forward, is that we can resume a somewhat enjoyable/normal/intimate sex life together, although the dynamics involved in this situation make that seem insurmountable at the moment, especially for me... Link to post Share on other sites
65tr6 Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 (edited) My biggest concern, going forward, is that we can resume a somewhat enjoyable/normal/intimate sex life together, although the dynamics involved in this situation make that seem insurmountable at the moment, especially for me... OP, I was in your shoes about one year ago with exactly the same concern. I know everyone heals/recovers different..... 1) dealing with an affair when the wayward is the women is very very difficult. What your wife has to overcome is the fog...the romance fog that she is addicted to in the affair. It takes months...anywhere from 6 months to 18 months for your wife to exit the fog. It is a very slow, painful process. 2) she must never contact the OM ever again 3) Ask all the questions you have about the affair NOW. Get everything out. She will see the pain you experience as some of the sordid details come out. If she is remorseful, she will be stunned by your reaction. She will not blame you but instead realize how foolish and immature her decision was to have an affair. If she is not remorseful, then it becomes a different issue. 4) YOU take care of yourself. Take responsibility for your share of contribution towards bad marriage. Do a 180 in your bad behavior if you not done so already. You know the more i read here the more i think Infidelity is the norm in today's marriage & not the exception anymore. Edited October 16, 2009 by 65tr6 Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted October 17, 2009 Share Posted October 17, 2009 Allhope, Textbook in the way you handled this. IMO Fog lifted my friend. Focus on moving forward. One important note, your wife sounds very hurt and remorseful about what she did. That is good. When your anger comes, and it will, walk away, go for a walk, run, go to the gym. Don't take it out on her. Tell her your angry, but you need to get away for awhile. Good Luck my friend. Remember, this is a marathon, not a sprint. Link to post Share on other sites
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