dani91621 Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 Okay so if you have read my past questions you will know the whole story..but to get to the point. We broke up and now he says he wants to "date" again and take it slow. Says he wants to start from the beginning. Well...how do you do that when you were together for 2 years and lived together? Its frusterating because everytime I ask him if he wants to hang out he says no..or that he has plans..or if he has time he will. He NEVER responds to my texts nor calls me. I feel like I am the only one fighting for this to work. He says how much he loves me and misses me, and how I am the one he is going to marry. He said maybe Sunday we can watch the game but like seriously.....how romantic right? How am I supposed to exspect any attention doing that? He is a football nut...I dont exist when the game is on. I feel like he is not being fair and only wants to hang out when its conveinent for him. Im really feeling like a pushover but I love him terribly!! What do I do...? Should I give up? I dont get it...how is this dating? Link to post Share on other sites
Author dani91621 Posted October 16, 2009 Author Share Posted October 16, 2009 Anyone???..... Link to post Share on other sites
t0ri Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 My ex dumped me, came back about a month later and was telling me the same things yours is telling you. "Let's start fresh, and forget the past." "I've realized you have everything I could ever want in a woman." "Let's take things slow, not get back together officially yet cuz things will go back to the routine we had before." We also discussed what exactly went wrong in our relationship and finally figured out what needed to be changed on both of our parts. He happily agreed to working on those things. We started to work on things, and they were good for about two weeks. The entire time, though, things were mostly on HIS terms. We'd hang out mostly when and where he wanted to. Then, despite his promises, he didn't take our "slow reconciliation" seriously, because he WASN'T serious. He dumped me again after a month of this supposed "reconciliation." He never answers your calls or texts? Won't make time for you? Isn't making you or your relationship a priority? Tells you no to hanging out? (I'm assuming you're not being overly-needy, which is a no-no!) All I can tell you, is to listen to ACTIONS. Not words. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dani91621 Posted October 16, 2009 Author Share Posted October 16, 2009 OMG....That is soooooo exacly what is going on. What douchbags. Did he ever come crying back? Well my ex crys all the time when we see each other and tells me how much he loves me but that we both have issues we have to work on before getting back toegtehr...then the other day he said he wanted to start fresh and date again. Now today he is being a prick and he says I get amd when he doesnt do whgat I want! Well thats true...Im not seeing anthing from him so YES! I dont deserve this..he is playing with my heart and gettin my hopes up. I told him Im done today. I told him that we will never see eye to eye and I want what he cant give me and he wants what I cant give him. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 he's not making the effort... hence watching the game that he intends to watch. when i read your post - it was interesting because all your words revolve around YOU. what you will get out of this, what YOU won't get out of this... maybe that's why he just wants to watch the game - to see if you participate if it's not always what you want, when you want it and how you want things to be... maybe it's a test...??? Link to post Share on other sites
t0ri Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 Now today he is being a prick and he says I get amd when he doesnt do whgat I want! My ex said this also, and said I tried to control him when I didn't treat him any differently than he treated me! Well thats true...Im not seeing anthing from him so YES! I dont deserve this..he is playing with my heart and gettin my hopes up. I told him Im done today. I told him that we will never see eye to eye and I want what he cant give me and he wants what I cant give him. Good for you! Now stick to your word, because you really don't deserve this. You're not his toy. No contact is your best friend now! And no, my ex hasn't come crying back to me again. However, he told me about 6 months ago that he wanted me out of his life forever and didn't want to speak to me ever again. Low and behold, three months after that, he contacted me. I've NEVER been the one to initiate conversation, but I responded to him 3/4 the time. The next month, he did it once more. And the next month? Twice. I haven't heard from him since, and that was over a month ago. And I really don't care if I never speak to him again! I'm over it, over him. FINALLY! You're right, though. They are quite the douchebags! Link to post Share on other sites
Logik Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 He ended it, so he had control and he still has control. It's about him wanting to remain in the driving seat. You need to take control back. Render him powerless to this situation. Don't contact him. Ignore him and move on with your life. He's on a power trip and it won't end until YOU end it. Stop letting him string you along. If he's really serious about getting back into a relationship with you, he'll have to fight for it. Why make everything on his terms. **** his terms. Look where they got you? Don't let him have any power over you. Make a stand. You've already put the ball in his court. It's up to him to play it back. If you don't like the shot he's making in return, then don't hit it back. Just leave the court. Why play a game with someone who keeps changing the rules? It's your life, so it's your terms. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dani91621 Posted October 16, 2009 Author Share Posted October 16, 2009 Well.... Its not all about ME! I am very aware..but umm I have all the right to be upset when he states he wants to work on this. If he doesnt then be a man and say so...I dont have time for games. And I am going to try the NC thing...thanks for the advice... PS:It already worked...ha ha! He text me So no drinks tonight? I just ignored it.... Link to post Share on other sites
Logik Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 (edited) Of course you're upset and you have every right to be. Just don't do things that are going to keep on upsetting you. And yes, you don't have time for games. That's what my post was all about. His "power" game. And your life IS all about YOU. That's all I was trying to say. It seems like he is trying to make this all about HIM. Don't accept that. Edited October 16, 2009 by Logik Link to post Share on other sites
Author dani91621 Posted October 16, 2009 Author Share Posted October 16, 2009 Oh no I loved your responce....the one before claimed It was all about me. I think your right tho. I need to get my reigns back. He already text me again and said...."so maybe another time?" lol...what a loser..i finally text him back and said "prob not". He might be trying to test me and see if I give in..but I dont plan on it. Im playing the games back...moving on is my focus. Thanks for all the great advice Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 probably not means nothing... it is neither a yes or no answer... you just left yourself prey to more of his same manipulations. why didn't you just say no? if no is what you mean - say what you mean. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 Words: He says how much he loves me and misses me, and how I am the one he is going to marry. Actions: every time I ask him if he wants to hang out he says no..or that he has plans..or if he has time he will. He NEVER responds to my texts nor calls me. Note the inequality. I will opine he's wetting his noodle in another can of sauce Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 I have a slightly different read on the original post, so here I go. You and your ex's approach to getting back together are completely different. You want him back, 100%. He wants to date. You're either fine with that or you're not. He wants to date? You want him back? Then date him! But date! Don't let your life revolve around him. Let him call you. Let him set up the dates. Take this time to evaluate if you like being with him and if he's a good match for you. Don't sit there steaming because he's doing exactly what he said he would do: date. and ps: don't play games. Texting him "prob not" is games. If you want him back, and I'm under the impression you do, you should have answered something like: sure, you set it up. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 That sounds nice but if he doesn't respond to her texts and doesn't call her, how is this supposed to happen, via telepathy? Link to post Share on other sites
Author dani91621 Posted October 16, 2009 Author Share Posted October 16, 2009 Everyone is right about the "prob not" answer...my bad. He text back with "So thats not a no, so theres a chance"..I replied with "That defeats the purpose of my moving on" he says "well what if Im not..we still can then"...I said "no"...now he is telling me I should erase his number so I dont text him when Im drinking or need mail lol... like a twelve year old ha ha...he is 29 and act like this? Seriously...why cant he just tell me what he wants and stop playing games? Im over it Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 That sounds nice but if he doesn't respond to her texts and doesn't call her, how is this supposed to happen, via telepathy? Dating rule 1: if a guy doesn't contact you, then he doesn't deserve any of your time. Dating rule 2: if a guy wants to date you, then he has to make an effort and set up a date with appropriate notification. It just didn't sound like Dani was giving him any space to actually "date". He wants to date, than let him do the work. .why cant he just tell me what he wants and stop playing games? Im over it Well that's his problem. Not yours. He has to figure himself out and what he wants. If he wants to be with you, he'll do the work. If not, then you are free to move on to someone who will be mature about relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 Try Carhill's rule of relationship communication.....it's really simple: If it's serious, it's face to face. Accept no less. Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 Try Carhill's rule of relationship communication.....it's really simple: If it's serious, it's face to face. Accept no less. Oooh, another great rule! More on the dating: Dani, if you can, have fun with this. Enjoy it. When he finally gets his azz in gear to ask you out to a proper date, live it up. Go out and act like you two are indeed just starting to date. Flirt with him and be mischeivious a little bit. Well I know that's what I would do in your shoes. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 BTW, he did ask her out on a date: He said maybe Sunday we can watch the game but like seriously.....how romantic right? How am I supposed to exspect any attention doing that? He is a football nut...I dont exist when the game is on. Sounds exactly what I would do to blow the skirt up of the woman I wanted to marry Link to post Share on other sites
Author dani91621 Posted October 19, 2009 Author Share Posted October 19, 2009 Well we ended up hangin out on Friday and Sunday and I told him my expectations when it comes to dating. I told him the ball is in his court and Ill keep on doing me until he decides he wants to step up. So we will see when he wants to hang out next lol...he said Tuesday and possibly Sat. But he said he needs to fit me into his new sceadule. ha ha... Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted October 19, 2009 Share Posted October 19, 2009 Well we ended up hangin out on Friday and Sunday and I told him my expectations when it comes to dating. I told him the ball is in his court and Ill keep on doing me until he decides he wants to step up. So we will see when he wants to hang out next lol...he said Tuesday and possibly Sat. But he said he needs to fit me into his new sceadule. ha ha... Is he assuming you don't have a schedule yourself? I say book Tuesday for him - and keep your options open for Saturday until he confirms. And get busy finding activities you can do without him. You're dating after all, so he shouldn't expect your schedule to revolve around his. Link to post Share on other sites
Beeotch Posted October 19, 2009 Share Posted October 19, 2009 Okay so if you have read my past questions you will know the whole story..but to get to the point. We broke up and now he says he wants to "date" again and take it slow. Says he wants to start from the beginning. Well...how do you do that when you were together for 2 years and lived together? Its frusterating because everytime I ask him if he wants to hang out he says no..or that he has plans..or if he has time he will. He NEVER responds to my texts nor calls me. I feel like I am the only one fighting for this to work. He says how much he loves me and misses me, and how I am the one he is going to marry. He said maybe Sunday we can watch the game but like seriously.....how romantic right? How am I supposed to exspect any attention doing that? He is a football nut...I dont exist when the game is on. I feel like he is not being fair and only wants to hang out when its conveinent for him. Im really feeling like a pushover but I love him terribly!! What do I do...? Should I give up? I dont get it...how is this dating? You already know the answer girl....that guy is bs'ing. I remember the days I went through that with my ex. I cut that off with a swiftness! I would always be the one inviting him out but he could never make it...never. He would pretend like he would make it up to me but never did. He even invited me to spend the weekend with him once and I was supposed to call him and let him know when to pick me up...I called, left a msg...nothing. He said he didn't get them and some other excuses. You KNOW when someone is bsing and it doesn't matter why...don't stand for it. Those things are what pushed me to do NC and leave him alooooone! I refused to be the idiot running after him. I think you should do the same. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 21, 2009 Share Posted October 21, 2009 Well we ended up hangin out on Friday and Sunday and I told him my expectations when it comes to dating. I told him the ball is in his court and Ill keep on doing me until he decides he wants to step up. So we will see when he wants to hang out next lol...he said Tuesday and possibly Sat. But he said he needs to fit me into his new sceadule. ha ha... and so, what are you going to do about it? wait for him? pine after him? continue to look desperate? i would have never gone over on Sunday... your words mean nothing to him when you say one thing - but continue to see him when he makes no effort. do you see what a huge contradiction YOUR words and actions are? it's about the same as his - in reverse. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dani91621 Posted October 22, 2009 Author Share Posted October 22, 2009 So heres an update... He came over on Tuesday night and when he left he asked if I would come over for dinner the next night..he said he would cook for me and we can hang out...we also made plans to hang out Sat and go on a "real" date..since thats what we are doig is "dating"...well yesterday (wednesday) I told him after I was done doing my daily things (gym, tan, shower, etc.) I would come over..well he says "take your time, me and Zein still gotta watch UFC at 10"...?????WHAT!! So he makes plans with me but yet makes other plans? So I tell him "Its okay, you seem busy..lets just hang out Sat like we had planned"...so then he says "Sat not good..I have plans". Ummm.... okay yeah ya do, with me. He says we never made plans and then pulls the guilt trip crap on me saying "Fine Ill cancel my plans and we can hang out, Ill give you all my attention" HAHAHAHA!!! Are you serious...so here is his sceadule and he says he is not changing anything for me. Sunday-Football with the guys Monday-Football with the guys, gym at night Tuesday- Gym in morning...hang out with Zein all day...gym at night Wednesday-Gym with Zein...UFC show Thurs-His free day Fri-Work, gym, hang out with Zein Sat-Hang out with friends, gym So...if he is trying to work on this then why does he have to fit me in his sceadule? I have a life outside of him, but I seem to have time. So I told him Im done..I told him I cant handle the fact that he is so selfish about this...ummm he is the one who asked ME for a second chance..I feel like I should have been the one asking with the way things are going. There is so much more to this story ugh!!! Im over it... Oh and after I say this he says "I know you did and thank you for that. Im not giving up tho. I will try again when you give me another chance" What a douch Link to post Share on other sites
LexiB Posted October 22, 2009 Share Posted October 22, 2009 ugh, babe you said it yourself - he is a douche. PLEASE STOP all contact with him immediately. I know you love him but he's clearly not giving you what you need right now so you have to focus on moving on. Maybe he will come to his senses and sincerely want to get back together with you. But when/if that happen, you'll KNOW it. There wont be any half-*ssed attempts to "squeeze you into his schedule". He will be treating you like you and this relationship are his top priority - just as you are treating him now. It's not selfish to expect that - and don't think you deserve anything less. Seriously, set a standard (in your head) for what he needs to do 1) for you to even talk to him again & 2) to win you back. Be objective about it... basically make it as tough as what you would tell your best friend if a guy was treating her the way this dude is treating you. Then cut the chord and dont even think of responding to ANYTHING until he's proven himself to you. Good Luck! Link to post Share on other sites
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