how to find a decent freind?

[matt87]

Cant remember the last time I had a good freind, that I would actually call a freind.. most people are assoicates..

 

is it me, or do some people lack social skills nowdays, to interact with other people

[Pedigree]

What's the specific problem, are you having trouble converting acquaintances into friends?

[matt87]

What's the specific problem, are you having trouble converting acquaintances into friends?

 

yep.. just difficult to find real freinds.. i would rather have 1/3 close freinds, that I can connect with, then loads of people that i hardly see

[Devil Inside]

Are there some people that you associate now that you would like to form deeper friendships with?

 

I agree that as we get older it is harder to form these bonds. When you are younger school and other social outlets seem to provide more opportunity.

 

However, there are things you can do. Disclosure is the vehicle of intimacy. When you are interacting with others...letting them see who you really are is how you get people to know what you are all about. It also connects them to you. So try to get past superficial interaction and open up.

[Pedigree]

yep.. just difficult to find real freinds.. i would rather have 1/3 close freinds, that I can connect with, then loads of people that i hardly see

 

When it comes to turning acquaintances into friends, the thing to do for me has been to ask them to do something that is not related to the context in which you became acquainted with them.

 

Example:

Someone who I get along with in politics class and who I talk politics with= acquaintance. And if I keep it like that, the person'll be an acquaintance.

 

When I ask the person "Hey, you wanna go watch this movie?" or "Hey, wanna hang out at the pub?" that's when I start to turn him into a friend.

[alphamale]

finding a good friend is like finding a good lover...it takes time and patience and chemistry

[Toki]

I've struggled in the friendship department for quite a long time, and to be quite blunt, its a matter of common ground. I have a lot of acquaintances, but really few friends, and most of them are a part of my family. However, having that said you have to take the steps to put yourself out there, join a group of some sort (sports, writers group, religion, you name it) chances are you'll find someone who is tuned into the same frequencies as you are. Also, work can be a good outlet, however if you're in a position where you're in charge of a group of people (much like I am) it may not be so wise to make friends of them.

 

Anyways, its not up to "them" to be your friend, it's up to you to be their friend first. Something as simple asking them if they want to go have a drink, or inviting them to a barbecue is enough to break the ice.

[matt87]

Are there some people that you associate now that you would like to form deeper friendships with?

 

I agree that as we get older it is harder to form these bonds. When you are younger school and other social outlets seem to provide more opportunity.

 

However, there are things you can do. Disclosure is the vehicle of intimacy. When you are interacting with others...letting them see who you really are is how you get people to know what you are all about. It also connects them to you. So try to get past superficial interaction and open up.

 

 

Yep there is some people that I would like to form a deeper freindship with, but they are more interested in talking to girls.. (same with some guys nowdays)

That is true though, letting people seeing who we really are, is a good way to attract people.. think is do you find alot of people dont have the social skills to be able to talk? I have found this since being at uni.. where hardly any of the guys or girls talk to me, as if im not even there

[matt87]

finding a good friend is like finding a good lover...it takes time and patience and chemistry

 

true though.. how long does it take? cause im 22 now and im still waiting.. infact I dont think I have even ever been asked out.. and its always been me doing the asking

[matt87]

I've struggled in the friendship department for quite a long time, and to be quite blunt, its a matter of common ground. I have a lot of acquaintances, but really few friends, and most of them are a part of my family. However, having that said you have to take the steps to put yourself out there, join a group of some sort (sports, writers group, religion, you name it) chances are you'll find someone who is tuned into the same frequencies as you are. Also, work can be a good outlet, however if you're in a position where you're in charge of a group of people (much like I am) it may not be so wise to make friends of them.

 

Anyways, its not up to "them" to be your friend, it's up to you to be their friend first. Something as simple asking them if they want to go have a drink, or inviting them to a barbecue is enough to break the ice.

 

True, I have done that on many times and have never succeded. To be quite honest I dont like to drink socially, I aint into drinking or clubbing.. I perfer talking to people and spending time with people e.g. relaxing with them. watching a film etc.

I have joined groups at uni, but find that nobody really talks to me, unless they want someting e.g. help with uni work.

 

I also thought aswell.. I dont know any girls. I have never even talked, let alone speak to a girl.. I have spoken to males before.. its pretty sad really when all the assoicates I know have girl freinds, and I have never had one, even tho I done the socialsing when I was younger

[Odyssey]

Matt, what do you mean a lot of people don't have social skills to talk, can you clarify & give some examples?!?

 

I don't know how long you've been in uni. but i remember i had a hard time during my first month there. It was hard trying to settle in to the 'right' group of people i would enjoy hanging out with. It only got easier when i started being more pro-active and joined up to as many activity groups as possible. I even created my own activity group and posted fliers around campus. Basically got involve with as many things that i had even a tiny interest in. I met a lot of people! Most were bad, but i eventually did find a few that clicked with me. Then i met their friends etc...

 

I found that i had to put myself out there, as in my attitude, personality, especially humour, interests, past experiences. Empathy. I even had to force myself to go clubbing a lot even though i hated it then. I found the more relax and open i am, the more people will talk to me (well at least hold a decent conversation before disappearing back to whence they came)

[Pedigree]

True, I have done that on many times and have never succeded. To be quite honest I dont like to drink socially, I aint into drinking or clubbing.. I perfer talking to people and spending time with people e.g. relaxing with them. watching a film etc.

I have joined groups at uni, but find that nobody really talks to me, unless they want someting e.g. help with uni work.

 

Some tips:

1. Not liking clubbing is fine. You can't socialize when then music's making you deaf, anyway. I think you would have to have some tolerance for going to a pub with people, drinking with them and hanging out.

2. If an acquaintance invites you on a social outing, say yes and come along. Being noncomittal or answering no will result in you not being considered for social events.

3. Don't be passive and organize things. eg. "Hey, it's my birthday and I'm having barbeque at my place." or "Hey, that movie's coming out, wanna come along?". You will find that next time, you'll get invited along when they're doing something.

4. What I said earlier, even if they're "That guy from Uni" or "That guy from work", start to talking to them about stuff beyond uni or work.

5. Like Odyssey said, be pro-active. It's your best shot. I have a group of friends from my history class. You know how they became my friends. The 5 of us happened to show up early to our first class, we got bored waiting and I asked "Did you watch that thing on tv last night?"

[matt87]

Matt, what do you mean a lot of people don't have social skills to talk, can you clarify & give some examples?!?

 

I don't know how long you've been in uni. but i remember i had a hard time during my first month there. It was hard trying to settle in to the 'right' group of people i would enjoy hanging out with. It only got easier when i started being more pro-active and joined up to as many activity groups as possible. I even created my own activity group and posted fliers around campus. Basically got involve with as many things that i had even a tiny interest in. I met a lot of people! Most were bad, but i eventually did find a few that clicked with me. Then i met their friends etc...

 

I found that i had to put myself out there, as in my attitude, personality, especially humour, interests, past experiences. Empathy. I even had to force myself to go clubbing a lot even though i hated it then. I found the more relax and open i am, the more people will talk to me (well at least hold a decent conversation before disappearing back to whence they came)

 

 

Thats a good idea.. I mean what you had done to put urself out there more, so that you talk and chat to new people etc. I did use to try a similar thing back in the college days.. where I would just start talking to people.. it didnt always work, but most of the time It did.

 

When I meant social skills, I mean alot of people communicate by emails and text messages etc, so theres hardly ever any conversations, as its all done by phones and computers nowdays.

[matt87]

Some tips:

1. Not liking clubbing is fine. You can't socialize when then music's making you deaf, anyway. I think you would have to have some tolerance for going to a pub with people, drinking with them and hanging out.

2. If an acquaintance invites you on a social outing, say yes and come along. Being noncomittal or answering no will result in you not being considered for social events.

3. Don't be passive and organize things. eg. "Hey, it's my birthday and I'm having barbeque at my place." or "Hey, that movie's coming out, wanna come along?". You will find that next time, you'll get invited along when they're doing something.

4. What I said earlier, even if they're "That guy from Uni" or "That guy from work", start to talking to them about stuff beyond uni or work.

5. Like Odyssey said, be pro-active. It's your best shot. I have a group of friends from my history class. You know how they became my friends. The 5 of us happened to show up early to our first class, we got bored waiting and I asked "Did you watch that thing on tv last night?"

 

 

Thanks for the tips.. they will help and come in quite useful.. I have done a couple of some of those.. and orignally I use to say no wen going out or got offered, cause I never liked to travel far and not find my way back..