Nerves or second thoughts?

[AnxiousToad]

Hi all. I'm a new user here, but I've read posts that are similar to my situation. This has helped me straighten out my feelings in my mind, but I still need some input. Here is my situation.

 

I am getting married next month. I don't really feel at peace about it, though I am the type of person who worries a lot (I've been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, though I don't let it keep me from doing things, but I also don't always trust my feelings because of it). I'm trying to discern if I am just nervous or having legitimate second thoughts. I always like to have a plan in life, including a backup plan. Unfortunately, there is no backup plan when getting married.

 

We got engaged almost a year and a half ago. I bought a house for us and her daughter and bought a newer car for her to use. I worry about our financial future and I like to save money. I make the most money I've ever made in my life right now, but feel poorer than I have in a long time since all of my money now goes to bills. (Welcome to family life?) I spent much of the first 6 months after we moved in together daydreaming that I was single, free, houseless, and with more money.

 

She has a very strong personality and sometimes a bad temper. Early in the relationship, I felt like if I had any self respect that I would break it off because of the temper. However, she has gotten better at controlling it, and I have learned not to trigger it. Sometimes I feel like I make decisions based on what is least likely to get me yelled at (including going through with the marriage?).

 

I feel a general feeling of sadness over the loss of my singlehood. I guess this is probably normal for someone who has never been married. I feel like I've resigned myself to getting married. We have the usual dull home life shuffling the child to activities and watching movies. A couple times we almost called it off/broke up and I felt a wave of relief from the stress.

 

There isn't anything really "wrong". We have similar tastes and values. We are both very accepting of each other's quirks. We are both in our mid 30's, so I should be ready to settle down. We are both the type of person who doesn't want to depend on anyone else, so we don't rely on each other too much emotionally.

 

Logically it seems like I should "choose to love her". However, for almost the entire engagement, I've felt nervous about getting married. Sometimes I think it would be easier if we had never met, then I wouldn't have to decide. I guess I've just been single so long that I'm afraid to venture into the unknown of marriage.

 

So am I just nervous or having legitimate second thoughts?

[GorillaTheater]

She has a very strong personality and sometimes a bad temper. Early in the relationship, I felt like if I had any self respect that I would break it off because of the temper. However, she has gotten better at controlling it, and I have learned not to trigger it. Sometimes I feel like I make decisions based on what is least likely to get me yelled at (including going through with the marriage?).

 

I think it's pretty normal to be worried or a bit anxious prior to the wedding, I wondered at times myself if I knew what the hell I was doing, but at 21 those thoughts weren't entirely unusual.

 

But the part I excerpted above is a little worrisome to me. I mean, to a certain extent that sort of thing is normal. Obviously you don't want to do a$$holish things and make her unnecessarily upset, but you don't want to be walking on eggshells either. Can you give some examples of what triggers her temper that you now avoid doing?

[apostasy71]

It sounds like pre-wedding jitters to me, AnxiousToad. I've dated women that had bad tempers, but usually they made up for it (like by being really organized and taking care of alot of the routine affairs) and if she's aware of it and working on it, she might really get it in control. I say go with it and if marriage to her ever got to be too much, you could always get a divorce.

 

Best of luck!

[apostasy71]

If you understand all the needs of body, mind and spirit, do you know whether your prospective mate also understands them? You must not only know your own particular needs for happiness in marriage but also discern the needs of your mate. You surely want your mate to be happy also. Unhappiness for one will mean unhappiness for both.

 

Many marriage ends up in unhappiness or divorce on the grounds of incompatibility. The importance of incompatibility in marriage cannot be over-emphasised. If two persons are not well suited as a team, the going can be difficult. A man and a woman who are not

well matched and yet teamed up in marriage would only bring hardship upon their marriage.

 

When mates have different interests, different tastes in friends, and recreational activities, and few things in common, the marital bonds come under great strain. Greater compatibility usually exists between two persons having similar backgrounds.

 

When the backgrounds of both partners are similar, they usually find it easier to grow in love. However, persons with different backgrounds and origins can also make good adjustments in marriage, especially if both are mature emotionally.

 

Notwithstanding all the precautions taken, you must still remember this: Compatibility between two persons will never be perfect. Both will have shortcomings. Some they may discern before marriage; some they will become aware of later. What then?

 

It is not the shortcomings that themselves that makes marriages fail, but it is how the partner feels about them. Can you see that the good outweighs the flaws, or do you focus on the bad and harp on that? Are you flexible enough to make allowances, just as you need and want allowances to be made for you? Do you have this kind of love for the one you contemplate marrying? If not, it would be better for you not to marry that person.

 

I think Dr Fade is right, although it sounds somewhat idealistic and I sometimes wonder if it's really possible. I can imagine a couple having this sort of compatibility, but I can't say I've seen too many. I think most people just have so-so compatibility and they get married anyway because that's what everyone else does. It's a shame really because it's a self-fulfilling prophecy.

[Bumble]

Just so you know, men aren't the only ones who have that little internal funeral for singledom. I love my fiance to death, despite wanting to strangle him often (I'm one of those bad-tempers like your fiance), but you can't help but miss what you won't have, especially when you add the stress of planning a wedding and a new life on top of that.

 

I often have fantasies of running off far far away, being single, and not having to deal with all of the pressure of to-be-married life. Obviously, you can't get a lot of premarital counseling at this point, since your wedding is only a few weeks away, but I would consider bringing up a couple's counselor. I'm not saying anything is wrong with your relationship by any means, but it can certainly ease the tension of all of the new change going on around you.

 

I am fortunate enough to have someone who we do premarital counseling with, which has done wonders for us (though, the normal jitters remain, like the fantasies of running off). For the time being, you could try talking to her calmly and honestly in ways that you know won't push her buttons so that you could perhaps resolve some of the anxieties you have going into the home stretch here.

 

I wish you the BEST of luck dealing with that last bit of wedding craziness. Hang in there!